Seinfeld s07e01 Episode Script

Well, you got no place to go.
Your problem is you brought your queen out too fast.
What do you think, she's a feminist looking to get out of the house? No, the queen is old-fashioned.
Likes to stay home, cook.
Take care of her man.
Make sure he feels good.
Checkmate.
I don't think we should see each other anymore.
Shut up! Shut up, you stupid mutt! You broke up with her because she beat you at chess? That's pretty sick.
I don't see how I could perform sexually after something like that.
I was completely emasculated.
Anyway, it's not the only reason.
- Yeah, what else? - All right.
You wanna know what one of her favourite expressions is: "Happy, pappy?" "Happy, pappy?" What does that mean? If she wants to know if I'm pleased with something, she'll say: "Happy, pappy?" - Oh, you're pappy.
- I'm pappy.
- Oh, I get it.
I see.
- Yeah.
- So that's not so bad.
- Come on.
What, are you kidding? So tell her not to say it.
I'm much more comfortable criticizing people behind their backs.
Look who's talking.
You just broke up with Melanie because she shushed you while you watched TV.
Hey, I got a real thing about shushing.
What is this? You ever get the feeling like you had a haircut, but you didn't have one? I'm all itchy back here.
- What? - What is this? What are we doing? What in God's name are we doing? - What? - Our lives.
What kind of lives are these? - We're like children.
We're not men.
- No, we're not.
We're not men.
We come up with all these stupid reasons to break up with women.
I know, I know.
That's what I do.
That's what I do.
Are we gonna be sitting here when we're 60, like two idiots? We should be having dinner with our sons when we're 60.
- We're pathetic, you know that? - Like I don't know that I'm pathetic.
- Why can't I be normal? - Yes, me too.
I wanna be normal.
Normal! It would be nice to care about someone.
Yes.
Yes, care.
You know who I think about a lot? Remember Susan, the one that used to work for NBC? I thought she became a lesbian.
No, it didn't take.
Did I tell you I ran into her last week? She looked great.
You thought she was good-looking, right? See, there you go again.
What is the difference what I think? - I was just curious.
- Well, this is it.
I'm really gonna do something about my life.
I think I'm gonna call Melanie again.
So what if she shushed me? George, I am really gonna make some changes.
- Yes, changes.
- I'm serious about it.
- Think I'm not? - I'm not kidding.
Me too.
Melanie, you can shush me at every opportunity.
So we're all straightened out? You happy, pappy? Oh, it's just an expression.
All right.
That's very sweet of you.
Okay, I'll call you later.
All right.
Bye.
Hey.
Well, I had a very interesting lunch with George Costanza today.
- Really? - We were talking about our lives and we both kind of realized we're kids.
We're not men.
So then you asked yourselves, "Isn't there something more to life?" Yes, we did.
Yeah.
Well, let me clue you in on something: There isn't.
- There isn't? - Absolutely not.
I mean, what are you thinking about, Jerry? Marriage? Family? - Well - They're prisons.
Man-made prisons.
You're doing time.
You get up in the morning, she's there.
You go to sleep at night, she's there.
It's like you gotta ask permission to use the bathroom.
"Is it all right if I use the bathroom now?" - Really? - You can forget about watching TV while you're eating.
- I can? - Oh, yeah! You know why? Because it's dinnertime.
- And you know what you do at dinner? - What? You talk about your day.
"How was your day today? Did you have a good day or a bad day? What kind of day was it?" "I don't know.
How about you? How was your day?" - Boy.
- It's sad, Jerry.
It's a sad state of affairs.
- I'm glad we had this talk.
- Oh, you have no idea.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Three hours of sleep again last night.
Three hours of sleep because of that dog.
- What dog? - Why don't you call the police? - I did, Jerry.
They won't do anything.
- Yeah.
What dog? There is this dog in the courtyard across from my bedroom window that never, ever stops barking.
I lost my voice just screaming at this thing.
I can't sleep.
I can't work.
I mean, I just moved.
I can't move again.
What am I gonna do? What? What am I gonna do? - Well, there is something you can do.
- What? Kramer, I'll do anything.
Well, what if there should be an unfortunate accident? You're gonna rub out the dog? No, no.
Not me.
I just happen to know someone who specializes in exactly these kinds of sticky situations.
What, you're considering this? Just meet with him.
See what he has to say.
You got nothing to lose.
L I don't really know why I'm here.
Kramer talked me into coming here but obviously I could never really do anything.
Of course.
Obviously.
Well, so anyway, I'm sorry for wasting your time.
What kind of dog did you say it was? - I don't know.
I've never really seen it.
- I see many dogs on my mail route.
I'll bet there's not one type of mutt or mongrel I haven't run across.
If you ask me, they have no business living amongst us.
Vile, useless Newman! Newman! Stop it.
- Anyway.
- Yeah.
Well, I was just curious if I were interested in availing myself of your services what exactly would you do? Well, Elaine there's any number of things that I could do.
But I can promise you this, though: This vicious beast will never bother you again.
So, what's it gonna be? No, I'm sorry.
I can't hurt a dog.
- I can't hurt a dog.
I can't.
- Wait a minute.
I got it.
We'll kidnap it.
We'll kidnap the dog, we'll drop him off upstate.
Then he won't bother you anymore and he won't get hurt.
Yeah, I suppose.
I'd have to think about it.
I doubt it, though.
I'll let you know.
Of course, take your time.
I'll be here.
All right.
Let's do it.
Excellent.
Excellent.
How come you eat your peas one at a time? Well, what's the hurry? Who is it? - It's George.
- George? George, what is it? Will you marry me? - Hello? - Ma, guess what? - Oh, my God.
- No, it's nothing bad.
- I'm getting married! - You what? - I'm getting married! - Oh, my God.
You're getting married? - Yes.
- Oh, I can't believe it.
- Frank, come here.
- You come here.
- Georgie's getting married.
- What? - Georgie's getting married! - Get the hell out of here.
- He's getting married? - Yes.
- To a woman? - Of course a woman.
What does she look lik e? I'm sure she's gorgeous.
- What differences does it make? - Is she pretty? Yes.
What difference does to make? I'm just curious! - She's not pretty? - Let me talk to her.
She wants to talk to you.
- Hello? - Congratulations.
I just want you to know that I love your son very much.
- You do? - Yes.
- Really? - Yes.
- May I ask why? - Okay, let me talk to her.
- Will you stop? I'm on the telephone.
- Can I talk to her, please? - Hey.
- Hey.
- What are you up to? - Nothing.
What's the rope for? Well, how do you like that? I got rope.
Well, I gotta go.
- The dog.
You're getting the dog! - Kramer, where you going? - Out! - Don't go.
Kramer! Come back.
I got great news! Well I did it.
- Did what? - I got engaged.
I'm getting married.
I asked Susan to marry me.
We're getting married this Christmas.
- You're getting married? - Yes! - Oh, my God! - I asked her to get married.
I'm a man.
Jerry, I'm a man.
And do you know why? It's because of that talk we had.
You were my inspiration.
Do you believe it? You.
That lunch was the defining moment of my life.
- I'm blown away! - Are you blown? - Blown! - You like that? - And she said yes? - Well it took a couple hours of convincing, but I was persistent.
I was just like those guys in the movies, and it worked.
She said yes.
I can't believe my luck that she was still available, a beautiful woman like that.
You think she's good-looking, right? You're gonna have gorgeous kids.
She's got great skin.
She's got a rosy glow.
- A pinkish hue? - Oh, she's got the hue.
So, what's going on with Melanie? I know you're not getting married but things are happening? - Well actually, we kind of broke up.
You what? Well, we were having dinner, and she's got the strangest habit.
She eats her peas one at a time.
You've never seen anything like it.
It takes her an hour to finish them.
We've had dinner other times.
I've seen her eat corn niblets, but she scooped them.
- She scooped the niblets? - Yes.
That's what was so vexing.
- What about the pact? - What? What happened to the pact? We were gonna change.
We shook hands on a pact.
Did you not shake my hand on a pact? You stuck your hand out, so I shook it.
I don't know about a pact.
Anyway, you should be happy.
You're engaged.
You're getting married.
Well, it's not that.
I just You know, I thought that we were both You thought I was gonna get married? Well, maybe not married, but I mean, you love Susan, right? Yeah.
You wanna spend the rest of your life with her.
Yeah.
So? Yeah.
- This doesn't make any difference.
- No.
- So we're still on to see Firestorm? - Yeah.
I'll pick you up at your apartment.
We'll go to the 8.
- Yeah.
- Hey, wait a second.
Wait a second! Celebrate! How about some champagne? - Champagne? - Yes, come on! How often do you get engaged? - Come on.
- Okay.
All right.
You know what? No champagne.
Anyway, I'll see you later.
Yeah.
That's it.
That's it.
Stop right here.
How much is that doggie In the window? Will you shut up? Is that a new song? All right, give me the rope.
What? What do you need a rope for? - Look, I don't have time to explain.
- Oh, I don't know.
I'm thinking maybe we shouldn't do this.
- I knew you'd back out.
- Are we doing a bad thing? Look, we drop the dog off in front of somebody's house in the country.
They find it and adopt it.
Now the dog is prancing in the fields, dancing and prancing.
Fresh air, dandelions.
We're doing this dog a huge favour.
Yeah, yeah.
- That's him.
- All right.
I'm going in.
Keep the motor running.
Ready? - I don't really think I can go.
- Oh, how come? Well, I didn't really tell Susan about it and she doesn't really have anything else to do.
She can come.
Well, she doesn't really wanna see Firestorm.
She She wants to see The Muted Heart.
Oh, The Muted Heart.
Glenn Close, Sally Field.
That should be good.
- Yeah.
I guess I'll see you later.
- Wait.
We can share a cab.
- They're playing at the same Cineplex.
- George, better get ready.
I am ready.
You're wearing that shirt? - Okay, I guess I'll see you down there.
- Yeah.
- What time you got? - No, I don't wear a watch.
- Well, what do you do? - Well, I tell time by the sun.
- How close do you get? - Well, I can guess within an hour.
Well, I can guess within the hour, and I don't even have to look at the sun.
What about at night? What do you then? Well, night's tougher.
But it's only a couple of hours.
- Okay, let's go.
Move.
- You got it? What do you think? Drive! Drive! Where is it? Where is it? This? - This is the dog? - Yep.
- But it's so small.
- Yeah, but he's a fighter.
That can't be the dog.
You sure you got the right one? You said the second courtyard.
He was there.
- How could that be it? - Get him to bark.
- Yeah, I'll know it if it barks.
- All right.
Bark.
- Bark! - Bark! - Bark! - Bark! - Bark! - Bark! - Did you like it? - Yes, it was very, very good.
- Do you think he'll ever find her? - Oh, I sure hope so.
How about when Ford jumped out of that plane and was shooting back as he was falling? - What about the underwater escape? - Oh, man.
Let's put the radio on.
Maybe there's a news report about it.
Let's dump it.
I'm getting antsy.
- Think we're far enough? - We're nearly to Monticello.
Yeah.
I think this looks right.
All right.
Give me the dog.
- Yeah, that's it.
Yeah.
- There.
Okay, boy.
This is it.
This is your new home.
Let go.
Let go of my shirt.
Come on.
Let go of my shirt! This shirt is from Rudy's! - Hello.
- MSG's rerunning the Yankee game.
- You watching? - They are? George, are you coming to bed? I taped Mad About You.
Yeah, I'll be there in a minute.
What was that? - Nothing.
I gotta go.
- Oh, Mattingly just singled.
You know, it was very wrong of you to back out on that deal.
- I just shook your hand.
- That's a deal where I come from.
We come from the same place.
George, I'm starting it.
I gotta go.
Roxy, where have you been? We've been worried sick about you.
What's this? No.
No, it's impossible.
It's impossible.
I don't know how it happened.
We were practically in Monticello.
I mean, how could that thing have found its way back? There is no way.
- Very strange.
- I know.
So tell me, anyway, who was the big mastermind? I can't, Jerry.
I'm sworn to secrecy.
All right.
But then I can't tell you the big news.
News? What news? Sorry.
What? What? All right, Elaine.
But this is beyond news.
This is like Pearl Harbor or the Kennedy assassination.
It's, like, not even news, it's total shock.
Oh, come on, Jerry.
Please, please, please, please, please.
George Costanza Yeah? is getting married! Get out! Hi.
- You Cosmo Kramer? - Yes.
Yeah.
- You recognize this piece of fabric? - Yeah.
Yeah, that's What? Nothing.
- You're under arrest.
- Arrest? I have a receipt for a rental car with your signature including a report of some damage to the rear seat.
It seems as if the springs were so compressed that they collapsed the right side.
- Newman! What took you so long? - What do you think they'll do to us? - Don't worry about a thing.
In 20 minutes, that place will be swarming with mailmen.
We'll be back on the street by lunch.
I gotta make some changes.
I'm not a woman.
I'm a child.
What kind of life is this?