The King of Queens s07e01 Episode Script

Hey.
Hey, what's up, man? Hey, you guys remember Steve, the guy I worked with at the pizzeria? No.
No.
Remember how he moved to Vegas a couple years ago? Yes, Danny.
I don't remember Steve, but I have a very clear memory of where he moved.
Well, the guy's a real big shot now and he works for a hotel that looks like something in Europe.
Uh, a pyramid, I think.
And? And he still has his classic corvette garaged here in Queens.
He said if I drive it out to Vegas for him, he'll hook us up.
Free hotel, free food.
Are you serious? Yes, yes! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Is this for real, or is this just another one of your desperate ploys to be liked? No, this one's totally legit.
Wait a minute.
We don't have to act as drug mules, do we? I mean, I'll do it.
I just need prep time.
No, no, no.
This is no strings attached.
I pick up the car on Tuesday, I drive it out there.
You guys fly out and meet me.
Who's in? I'm in.
I'm in.
Well, let's just say I'm all in.
I just gotta run it by Kelly.
Don't you have to ask Carrie? Actually, yeah, I do.
I don't have to ask anyone permission.
That's why I'm single.
Yeah, that's why.
Are you sure you can get this by Carrie? I mean, she wouldn't even let you buy those walkie-talkies.
Hey, that's not over, and, yeah, I can handle Carrie when I need to.
You know what? I gotta pick her up at her salon at 5.
I'll just say somethin' like, "Carrie, have I told you you look even more beautiful than the day I met you?" She'll melt like butter, and then it's hello, angry drunken gambling.
Yes! Carrie, have I told you you look even more beautiful than the day I met you? What's that? You want me to go to Vegas for the weekend? Okay.
Double-stuffed apple pie.
I heard they were working on something like that.
Yes, I'd like to try your new double-stuffed fudge-covered apple pie.
Will that be all? You know, as long as you got the grill on, I'll take a double whammer with cheese.
Come on.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah, napkins.
Okay, yeah.
Uh, could we hurry this up, please? I- I really need to get going.
Oh, the pie's not ready.
They have to heat the fudge because it's too thick to pour.
Too thick to I'll wait.
Hey.
How's it going? Where the hell have you been? There was a huge accident way back.
Like, three tractor trailers hit another tractor trailer.
It was, like, jackknifed, and there were, like, people lined up for miles.
And they, uh- The cops came and it was a whole- They gotta put in a light over there.
What? Is that fudge on your face? How the hell did that get there? Did you stop for fudge? Have I told you you're more beautiful than the day I met you? I can't believe you screwed up our whole Vegas plan for fudge.
Again, it was too thick to pour.
I just bought a very expensive neck pillow and now I have nowhere to fly.
Thanks a lot.
Look, we can sit around here all day trying to decide who's at fault, okay? But I say we work on a solution.
The solution was not to hit the drive-through and leave your wife in the rain.
Yeah? Tell it to the belly, okay? Look, it's not that bad.
I didn't even ask her yet.
I just gotta figure a way to get back on her good side, build up enough credit so she forgets the whole rain thing.
No, man, that just gets you even.
You gotta earn extra credit to get us to Vegas.
You know, you might be right.
Gosh, I need something huge.
You know, something nice, thoughtful.
Something sensitive.
Something almost gay.
What do you got? Well, you could take her to a wellness spa.
That sounds pretty gay.
What is it? It's a place where they rejuvenate you spiritually and physically.
I went to one in the Poconos.
They have a great couples package.
Couples? Well, not only couples in a sense of two married or dating people.
It could be a couple of friends, or uh- Son and his mother.
We had separate beds.
That sounds like something Carrie would love and it would get you the credit you need.
Yeah, it's just the whole idea of wellness.
It just sounds wrong.
Ah.
Hey, don't worry about it.
The wellness will bounce off you like bullets off Superman.
You know what? You're right.
Three days at a wellness center can't put a dent in me.
I use bacon as a condiment.
Hey, Arthur.
Is Doug here? No.
He and Carrie left for the weekend.
Oh, that's right.
I was gonna ask him something about our Vegas trip.
You're going to Vegas? Las Vegas? Yeah.
I got a foolproof card-counting system to beat the house at blackjack.
Works every time.
If you've got this winning system, why do you still live in Doug's basement? Why haven't you paid me back the $37 you owe me? You want your filthy money, fine.
Let's settle this thing once and for all.
You wanna learn the system or not? Yeah.
The fee is $37.
And this will be your living space for the weekend and you don't need a key.
Here at the Zen Wellness Center, we don't believe in locks.
Oh.
Maybe you should, 'cause it looks like you've been robbed.
I gotta tell ya, I ain't hatin' this.
So, uh, is the TV in the other room, or does it pop out of something? There's no TV.
We believe that TV is the gateway to negative thoughts and sadness.
Not if you have the football package.
Honey.
You're gonna love the bathroom.
They have a tub you can land a plane in.
Ah.
That sound like a lot of fun.
So is the, uh, TV in the bar? We don't have a bar.
I need to speak to your supervisor.
Well, here's a list of our treatment options.
Have a wonderful stay.
Okay.
Okay, honey, to avoid a repeat of the honeymoon incident, the second thing in there is not a toilet.
It's a bidet.
Okay, thanks for the heads-up.
You're gonna love this place.
Look at this.
Aroma therapy, shiatsu massage, and to bring it all home, colon irrigation.
How great is this place, huh? No, it's great.
It's pretty great.
Just one question, though.
What's goin' on? What do you mean? Well, the whole taking me away to a spa for a weekend doesn't really sync up with the rest of our marriage.
What, a husband can't do something nice for his wife just to do it? Well, somethin's goin' on.
Oh.
I see.
Something's got to be going on for me to do something nice? Is that how it works? Something's gotta be going on.
Look, Doug, I didn't mean it that way, okay? It's just, I'm surprised, that's all.
Well, did it ever occur to you that I'm trying to be a better man? A new and improved Doug, huh? You know what? Just forget it.
Look, honey, I just thought- Yeah, it's pretty clear what you thought.
Doug, I'm sorry, honey.
This was a very sweet thing for you to do and I love the new and improved Doug.
Just trying to make you happy.
And I am happy.
I am.
That's what a relationship's about, making each other happy, yeah? Yes.
If something that made me happy, I'm sure you'd want me to do it.
Of course, I would.
Of course, you would.
These are the moments, honey, we gotta remember.
The cards you wanna count are the tens, jacks, queens, kings.
Okay, I got that.
So you can communicate without arousing suspicion, each card has a nickname.
Say hello to Alfred Lord Tennyson, Johnny Switchblade, Mississippi Mabel, and The Farmer in the Dell.
Aren't there shorter names that make sense? This is the system.
Why can't you be more like Rain Man? Oh- Okay, those- Those names are fine.
Now, sometimes your eyes can give you away.
So I want you to wear these.
Why are you wearing gym stuff? They told me to when I signed up for the men's package.
Oh, I signed up for the relaxation package.
What's the difference? Aagh! Breathe, breathe, Find your center.
I can't feel my center.
Mmm.
Oh, come- Oh, come on.
Reach back and grab your heel.
Okay, and seven more.
Six, and five, and four, and three- You can do two more! Come- This better be good.
Hey, Doug, it's me.
How's the spa thing going? It's brutal.
They're killing me here.
Come on.
It can't be that bad.
Tomorrow, I'm scheduled for them to pour coffee into a part of my body where it doesn't belong.
I'm telling you, man, I'm out of here.
But Danny's already driving.
You have to stick it out for Vegas.
I can't do it.
You can.
Now come on, man.
Gambling, buffets, free drinks.
I just can't do it.
You know what I heard just opened up? A topless doughnut shop.
A topless doughnut shop? Do they make 'em fresh? Every hour.
All right.
I'm back in for Vegas.
May I take your car, sir? Oh, hey.
Uh, yeah.
That'd be great.
How could you possibly think there'd be valet parking at a diner in Kutztown, Ohio? I have never been to Ohio.
I don't know the local customs.
I got all this credit with Carrie and nothin' to use it on.
Why don't you just save it and put it in the bank and use it for another thing? You can't put wife credit in the bank.
Why not? It's like a piece of fish.
As soon as you get it, it starts going bad.
He's right.
With each passing minute, Carrie's forgetting all about that spa.
I gotta use that credit quick or it's gonna be gone.
What do I wanna do? What could be fun? Help me find something fun.
Well, come on, look.
Um Oh, hey, the Lipizzaner Stallions are coming to the equestrian center.
Great.
You and Mommy can have a good time.
What? Ah.
"Garfield.
" Hey, hey, how about this? Tony Orlando's doing a show right here in Queens.
I'm just saying the man had a lot of hits.
Still.
Keep looking.
Phew.
Arthur, what are we doing here? I thought you said we were gonna go see the Lipizzaner Stallions.
We clean out this place, you can buy all the high-steppin' horses you want.
This casino night is for charity.
It doesn't feel right.
Look, you blew your shot at Vegas, but that doesn't mean all our hard work should go to waste.
Now, let's light this candle.
I read three books by Alfred Lord Tennyson.
In one of them, Mississippi Mabel and The Farmer in the Dell had a double date.
Hit me.
Twenty-one.
Another winner.
Spence Olchin, is that you? Oh, Father Sheehan, hi.
Why don't you take a break? I'll deal for a while.
Haven't seen you in confession in a while, Spence.
Uh, I've been doing it online.
Ah.
Blackjack.
Ha-ha! Yeah, yeah! And the rich get richer.
Oh, God, I can't take it anymore! I- I've been cheating.
I've been counting cards.
Here, take my chips.
Please forgive me, Father.
Well, it appears this seat is open.
I'm gonna need a line of credit.
Kelly's lettin' you go? All right.
Well, it's gonna be awesome, Deac.
I'm home.
Yeah, you know what? Carrie's here.
Uh, I'll call you back as soon as I get the thumbs up.
Hey, there's my special little gal.
That was Deac on the phone.
Oh, I had the worst day.
He just happened- Yeah.
Where's our aspirin? Oh, good.
Here it is.
What happened? Ah, work was a nightmare, and on the way home, the subway stalled and I was wedged up against some guy who was morally opposed to showering.
So I just feel pretty crappy.
Well, I don't want you to feel crappy.
I want you to feel good.
You know, like you felt when I took you to that spa.
Huh? Oh, right, that.
Compared to the day I had today, the spa feels like that was 1000 years ago.
Yeah, but it wasn't.
It was just this past weekend.
Hey, I got an idea.
Why don't we get you back to that relaxed spa frame of mind right now? No, honey, I just wanna go upstairs and get the smell of unwashed hippie out of my nose, okay? Come on.
I'll just give you a quick little massage here on the couch.
It'll be nice.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, sit right down.
Thank you, honey.
There you go.
Okay.
Oh, how does that feel, huh? Feels good.
Good.
This is really sweet of you.
No problem.
You know what? I got another surprise for you.
You remember that Sounds of the Ocean CD, the relaxation one they had at the spa? Oh, you got it? Nope.
But I don't need it.
What the hell was that? It's- It's a beach cat.
That's right.
It's a beach cat.
Relax.
It feels good, doesn't it? Yeah.
Honey, I gotta tell you, you've been really sweet lately.
I like the new and improved Doug.
Well, you know what? You deserve it.
Yeah? Well, how about you come upstairs and I show you the new and improved Carrie? Oh.
All right.
Wow.
And, uh, how about tonight we play "High Society Lady and Sweaty Cabana Boy?" Really? But you said what cabana boy wanna do no es bueno.
Well, since you did the spa thing for me, I think I can do this for you.
Since I did the spa thing.
No, wait! I believe I asked for a margarita and a fresh towel an hour ago, Pepe.
Where are they? I just don't think we should do this right now, Carrie.
Okay, my name is not Carrie.
It's Penelope Van Smythe.
Now, get on the lounge chair, you filthy cabana boy.
Look, I just- You know what it is? I pulled a hammy on the way up the stairs.
Okay, okay, I get it.
I get it.
Come on, take a rain check.
You're puttin' up a fight.
Now, you stay on this lounge chair, or I will have you fired, Pepe.
Okay.
You know- I don't wanna do this.
Stop it.
I- Stop it! What's the matter? I don't wanna do it! Why? I don't wanna waste my credit on sex! What? The credit I get for taking you to the spa.
I wanna use it to go to the Indian Casino to watch the Ultimate Fighting Championship this weekend.
Okay, let me see if I understand this correctly.
You only took me to the spa because you wanted a credit which you don't wanna waste by having sex with me? It sounds bad when you lay it out like that.
Oh, my God, Doug! I can't believe you! There's no new and improved Doug.
It's just the same old selfish, lying Doug.
I like to refer to it as "Doug Classic.
" Look, it doesn't matter why I took you to the spa.
The point is, you had a good time, and I should get credit for that.
Oh.
Okay.
Not only do you not get any credit for the spa, but you just forfeited any possible credit for years to come for you and Pepe.
But I went through hell.
They put coffee in me! And I hope it was piping hot.
I deserve somethin'.
The man does have a lot of hits.
Hey! Blackjack.
You win again.
Well, looks like you've cleaned us out.
I guess the orphans will have to spend the summer in the city.
I'll take this in cash, please.