Modern Family s07e02 Episode Script

Hey, all y'all.
What's going down? My opinion of you.
What's with the fake glasses? As an actual glasses wearer, this is offensive.
It's like non-disabled people who park in handicapped spaces.
I was in and out in three minutes, young lady, and it was your stye medication I was picking up.
That's a lot of bracelets there, buddy.
Just ignore them.
They're being sheep.
[ Doorbell rings .]
If I'd listened to what other people said, I'd never have rocked my '90s frosted tips.
We've got pictures.
No, we don't.
You're an original, son.
When they made you, they broke the mold.
What's good, L.
D.
? Yo, Will.
Luke, um, there's no easy way to ask this.
Are you in a boy band? So, we're gonna go hang at the pier.
You in? Sounds cool, but I don't know if I can.
That's right.
We got a big day planned.
He's coming to work with the old man.
Sorry.
Next time.
Deuces.
Deuces.
Word to your mothers.
Seriously, David.
Tell your mom I say hi.
Claire: There she is -- Our little genius.
Look at my conscientious little girl getting ready to leave for college a whole day early.
I'm leaving today.
- What? - No.
No, no.
No, no.
We have a plan.
I-I was gonna make your favorite meal for dinner, and then we were gonna fight because of separation anxiety, and then tomorrow morning, we would make up before you leave for good.
- I just -- - Oh! No, no, guys, this is exactly why I didn't tell you! But I can't take you.
I have a showing.
I was gonna burn a CD of goodbye songs for the ride.
I have never felt better about a decision.
Look, I'm only 30 minutes away, and I'll be back in a couple of weeks.
I already asked Haley to take me.
Well, I better get going.
You may each hug me for five seconds.
I want you to know that you'll always be my little girl.
[ Singing .]
Goodbye, Nor-- Time's up.
Mom.
I am so proud of you, and I know you're gonna achieve great things in this world, and I just read about this new nail polish that changes colors if you dip it in a drink that has a roofie -- - Next.
- I'm good.
All right, cool.
Well, I will text you guys when I get there.
I'm taking his five seconds.
It's a tragedy -- No other way to put it.
Such a beautiful day, too.
We just have to accept that Lily has a soccer game and we all have to be there.
You were supposed to make an excuse.
I'm sorry! I ran into Cam at the market.
He asked if we could go.
I panicked.
I shot myself in the foot.
Oh, yeah, you shot yourself on your foot, you put your foot in your mouth, you put the shoe in the wrong foot.
What is with you Americans and the foot? I hate that painting, by the way.
I'm having the last cronut.
I'm so depressed.
I'm sorry, kid.
I think Andy ate it.
So the game starts at 2:00, right? Jay ate the last cronut.
No one likes a tattletale, kid.
Thank you, baby, for being so honest.
So we should leave in about an hour.
What is this "we"? I have to go and register Joe for the winter camp.
Mommy's going to buy shoes.
I did not raise a rat! Nobody gets out of this.
World's worst sport, world's worst players of it.
zig-zagging across a field like a busted Roomba.
Except the only thing it sucks up is two hours of my life.
Behold, the unsellable house.
Two years on the market, it's crushed the soul of every real-estate agent in town.
Todd and Terry Taylor, the spouses selling houses -- They're no longer either.
I used to love going to work with my dad to his grocery store, Frank's Food Town.
I got to watch him crack up the deli team by pretending to lose a finger, or he'd pull out an orange from the pyramid and somehow, it wouldn't fall.
I don't care what the sign out front said -- Savings wasn't king.
My dad was.
You know, with Alex leaving, you and I are gonna get to spend a lot more time together.
Wait.
What the whatsit? Those are duck eggs.
Cool.
So -- Remember how you and I used to talk about raising ducklings and building them a little bird circus? Kind of.
Hey, how long do you think we're gonna be here today? Oh, I like where you're going with this -- Make it a time challenge.
I think I can get 'er done in under five hours.
That'll leave us time to get to the trampoline park.
Oh, and surprise.
We're going to the trampoline park.
Boing! [ Sobbing .]
His life will be rem-- [ sobbing intensifies .]
No.
So, busy time at the house lately.
Fun busy.
I've taken on some work helping people with estates and wills.
It's sadder than I thought it would be.
Fun sad.
- No, no, don't shoot! - Bang, bang, bang, bang! Oh! Oh, no! Oh, I'm dying! I'm dying! [ Groans .]
Meantime, I'm running a side business we started doing short-term rentals on our unit upstairs.
We call ourselves the Artful Lodgers.
Mitchell, by any chance when you were filling out the new rental agreement, did you forget to mark no pets, or, specifically, dogs? [ Sneezes .]
Oh, sorry, sorry, ooh! You remember the Donaldsons? Oh.
This is a Vanderkoff.
You know, s-some couples might feel the strain and take it out on one another.
[ Cockney accent .]
But not the Artful Lodgers.
This morning was tough.
There, there.
And whenever you're ready, there and there.
[ Girls screaming .]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, girls.
No, no, no.
Not a good time, not a good time.
Wasn't daddy supposed to be driving you to our game? Daddy's been a little bit busy himself dealing with linens that no guest has ever called scratchy before.
Is there a way to make the room not so cold? Do you know what it's like to wake up next to your husband one morning and he's cold as ice? Yes.
[ Sobbing .]
Yeah, I'll work on that while you eat breakfast.
- Did you make the French toast? - Yes, it's right on the counter.
- That's French toast.
- What's happening? I wanted regular toast for the French people.
Surely there was a better way to describe that.
He's allergic to eggs, Mitchell.
[ Coughing, wheezing .]
Okay, w-why did you eat that? Why -- Why did he eat that? Okay, maybe we should finish this up another time.
And just so you know -- Ooh! I do -- I do work on referrals.
Here is a room you're going to love -- Your very own man ca-- Closet.
Man closet.
Who loves, uh, basements? That's a rhetorical question.
Have I got a basement for you.
Watch your step coming down.
Because it's a finished basement, you can actually count the square -- Huh.
I don't think this house is kid-friendly.
Well, you said it yourself when we were taking the towrope up the driveway.
This -- this house looks like a weird spaceship.
Kids love spaceships.
Don't they, Luke? Yeah.
I remember one day, I was around Luke's age, and I wasn't all that happy to be at Food Town, but my dad knew exactly what to do.
He gets on the P.
A.
and he says, "attention, shoppers," and then he hands the mike to me.
I was like, "what?" [ Chuckles .]
"Uh, Red Wing peanut butter -- $1.
69 for two.
" [ Laughs .]
He lost a lot of money on that sale, but it's a rush I'll never forget.
It's like being on a submarine, right? [ Laughs .]
You guys, uh, fans of Tom Clancy? Oh, uh, you know what? Luke'll finish the tour.
It's the office.
- It's not ringing.
- This is your moment.
Hello? Follow me, I guess.
How did we get on the second floor? Isn't it great? There's an imperceptible rise.
So you guys can either reverse course or take turns sliding down the fireman's pole.
Luke'll show you.
Huh? Oh.
H-hang on.
But because you wouldn't let mom and dad cry over you, that emotion is gonna build up and explode all over Luke and me.
I'm sorry.
I just couldn't want.
Do you know how long I've been dreaming about this day? Leaving your family? Don't turn it into an insult.
I'm just really ready for this.
I'm finally surrounded by smart, curious people.
OK.
So I'm gonna go.
Hi! You must be Alex.
I'm your roomie.
I'm Maisie.
My dad says it's short for Amazing, but it's not.
- Wait, I picked a different -- - roommate, I know.
She got sick -- She got a panic attack.
I can sympathize, I usually get one right before my cycle.
Anyways, they denied her visa and she's still in Norway.
"Help! There's Norway out.
" [ Laughs .]
[ Whimpers .]
Uh, how old are you? Oh, I'm 15, but I've seen four R-rated movies already.
I'm so excited you're here.
Where should I put my medicines? - Yeah, so you are good to go.
- I'm fine.
Oh, not quite yet.
So, Maisie, do you speak any languages? Uh, sí, oui, da, ja, and of course I also speak Wookiee.
[ Growls like a wookiee .]
Ahh! This is gonna be so much fun! Haley: [ Squeals .]
Yay! [ Giggles .]
They've been here 2 days and they've used 18 towels, yet the soap is untouched.
What are they -- sloughing each other clean like elephants? Mitchell.
Great, you're here.
Coach Chuck had a death in the family.
Oh, thank you so much for remembering about the referrals.
I don't have a card on me right now, but -- Oh, no.
He can't come, and since you're the assistant coach, - you're in charge.
- Oh.
Oh.
Okay.
[ Chuckles .]
Wow.
Think you're gonna be okay with that? Assistant coach, coach.
What's the big diff? Well, as an actual coach, um, diff.
Come on, today's about being out in the fresh air, forgetting about our problems at home, spending some quality time with the family.
- You're right, you're right.
- Where is my family? You don't think they're standing us up, do you? You know, when I saw Jay at the grocery store and asked him if they were coming, he took a sample meatball and chewed it for a full minute before he said yes, so Oh! You all are still here.
Jay: How often do you break in here? Does that explain the white wine? We fired a cleaning lady.
Listen, I thought you guys would already be at Lily's soccer game, and things have been pretty emotional at my house this morning.
I just wanted a couple hours by the pool.
Claire must have left the ice bucket by the jacuzzi, too.
I will write the cleaning lady a letter.
How'd you get out of Lily's game? I lied and said that Alex was leaving for school today, which turned out to be true, so I'm off the hook.
You guys let me know what I miss.
[ Telephone rings .]
Could you get that? - Yello? - Mitchell: Claire? What are you doing there? We've been waiting -- Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god.
- I don't believe this.
- I don't believe this.
They want more towels.
What are they, midwives? Here.
[ Telephone rings .]
Just ignore it.
[ Cellphones ring .]
How many phones does he have? Pick up.
Anybody.
I -- You know, I could get more phones.
Could I-- [ cellphones ringing .]
He's never gonna stop.
Mitchell, hi.
Hey, can't talk.
I'm just leaving my house right now with Alex.
I know you're at dad's house.
Yeah, okay.
Um, look.
I didn't want to say anything.
Dad got in an accident.
He's fine.
Nothing to worry about, but I got to go.
Bye.
That was pathetic.
[ Cellphone rings .]
Let me show you how it's done.
Hello, Mitchell.
Mitchell: So I hear my dad had a little accident? Yes, of course, well, the accident that your father had is that actually he shot himself in the foot.
Trust me.
He believed me.
You're not listening to any phone ringings right now, are you? So, this is turning into a whole group thing by the pool.
Our pool.
Um, you guys, I just got a text from Cam.
Give me that.
"Gosh, I sure do hope Jay's all right.
It's unbelievable something like that could have happened.
" You're welcome.
Fantastic.
It's perfect.
We're all good.
Well, you guys, you might want to listen again, only this time, I'll be Cam.
[ Sarcastically .]
"Gosh, I sure do hope Jay is all right.
" It's unbelievable something like this could happen.
" We're screwed.
Okay, they're coming, but can you believe they were gonna bail? Keep your -- keep your eyes down.
Eyes down.
Have we missed a single one of their kids' events? And it's not like we don't have a million things going on right now.
Follow through! Yeah, like when we had to sit through that sanitized fifth-grade production of "Rent" where they all got head colds? Keep your leg straight.
Keep your leg straight for me.
- Cam, can you not do that? - What? Well, it's just that, you know, I'm kind of coach, so -- It just seems weird that this is the time that you're trying to help me.
Okay, and in what way am I not helpful? Okay, well, when I'm with a bereaved client, say, and you decide that that's the perfect moment for a scenery-chewing death scene.
Unlike the tremendous help you've been to me running the Artful Lodger.
You couldn't even register the domain name.
I never liked that name, anyways.
And there it is.
Oh, oh, I see what this is.
- What? - Jealousy.
- Oh! - Yeah! Yeah.
'Cause your football team can't seem to win, but here I am 4-0.
- Okay, please.
- Yeah.
This is little girls' soccer.
It's not even a real sport.
[ Parents gasp .]
Excuse me? I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Oh, no, I was just -- Let's not do this the hard way.
- It's the worst of everything.
- Mm.
- We have to go to the damn game.
- Mm.
And they're never gonna believe any of our excuses in the future, even if they're real.
Unless Why do you do that? Why do you say "unless" and then pause? Just finish the thought.
Unless Jay really gets shot in the foot.
I can't believe I'm saying this, once again, in only seven years of marriage, but please put the gun down.
Don't be a baby.
It's a pellet gun.
It's just going to be a little nick on the side, and then we go to the game.
They're gonna see that it's true.
They're gonna feel horrible because they didn't believe us, and then we don't have to go to anything for a whole year.
- Mm.
- I have to say, it makes sense.
No, it doesn't! Why don't I just bandage my foot up and limp on in there? No, no, no, no, no.
It has to be real because if they catch us faking it, it's going to be worse.
Please don't point the gun at me.
Okay, all right, all right.
You heard my dad.
Put the gun away.
We just -- We'll have to think of something else.
What to do? Shoot, shoot, shoot.
Okay, I'll put the gun away.
[ Pop! .]
- Ow! - Oh! No! No! You did that on purpose! - Ow! - I wasn't even looking! I turned my back on you.
I'm so sorry! Watch the sippy cup.
[ Pop! .]
I hope you are a heavy-metal fan, because all the heavy metals are going right here above your trophy.
Oh, hey, cool.
Maisie.
So, I heard they're giving out mailbox keys downstairs, and I was thinking maybe you could pick up both of ours? Sure thing, friend! What a day -- I've got a mailbox and a friend! You sure do.
Could you try not to enjoy this so much? This is me trying.
This ends now.
What are you doing? What do you think I'm doing? I'm getting rid of her.
I'm calling my advisor and getting a new roommate.
Hey! No, give that back.
Need I remind you I am a yellow belt? Ugh, I can't keep track of all your ugly belts, but I don't think you should change roommates.
Listen, as much as you're my go-to girl on college advice, - I really -- - Oh, my god.
Would you just shut up for a second? Here's the thing -- I had a similar experience with a roommate.
She was this annoying little know-it-all who totally got on my nerves.
- Yeah, I get it.
- Oh, shh! I spent a long time trying to get rid of her until I realized that that little girl, in her own way, put me on a pedestal.
It felt great.
You just landed in a world of superstars, and I know you'd never admit it, but you're scared.
It's not the worst thing to have your own personal cheerleader.
I miss mine already.
Well, I guess my five seconds is up.
You don't often see a 5/8 bathroom, but they're highly sought after.
The deal's in the bag, kid.
I'm just gonna wrap it up, and then we bounce.
And then we bounce.
Trampoline park.
How are you not high-boinging me right now? Oh, I was thinking of maybe meeting up with my crew at the pier.
Sure thing.
After we tramp.
Fine.
After a while, I stopped hanging out with my dad at the store.
I got busy with cheer practice, and I guess pyramids of oranges don't seem so great after you've built pyramids out of man.
I don't know if it bothered him that I stopped coming around, but if it did, he never let it show.
All right.
Let's do this.
Actually, I think I, uh -- I twisted my ankle jumping out of the way in that room full of Murphy beds.
I probably shouldn't get on a trampoline.
You should go hang out with your friends.
- Really? - Yeah.
Might be faster if they come get you, though.
I should do one more sweep of the house.
I think I lost the Blanstons.
Thanks, dad.
Deuces.
Let's go, girls! Uh, pass and move! The players should never be standing still! The best defense is good offense.
Well, now, that can't be true.
[ Whistle blows .]
Halftime! Okay, good -- Good half! All right, we're down by three, but that's okay.
Oh, hey, look.
Look who finally showed up.
Not easily.
As you can see, I have a severely injured foot.
Where is Cam? Um, he -- He got banished by the ref.
Oh, how did that happen? Be specific.
Who cares? The important thing is I did, in fact, shoot myself in the -- Save it.
Don't add insult to fake injury.
- Fake.
- Yeah.
Seriously? Say hello to his little toe.
Oh, my god.
You really -- oh.
- Shot myself in the foot.
- Yeah, it was so scary.
- Sí.
- Oh, and the blood.
There was so much blood.
Oh, but you guys -- You still showed up anyway.
- Of course! - Without a doubt.
Mommy shot Jay.
I'm sorry, what? I thought you said -- Yeah, mommy shot Jay.
Aunt Claire said, "shoot him.
" Dad.
You would rather take a bullet than support your granddaughter? This was really Gloria's idea.
I'm surrounded by rats.
Mitchell, listen to me.
I know "I'm sorry" barely covers it, but it's very difficult for me to come here today and watch little girls playing soccer on the same day that my little girl left for college.
Jay: Well, me too.
I mean, watching my little grandbaby go off -- Don't jump on my thing.
Debbie: Sorry to interrupt.
So, the parents and nannies voted, and we're going to relieve you of your command.
Oh, but I'm the coach, so -- I'm the coach now.
Oh, whoa.
Glad you got here in time to see that.
[ Cellphone rings .]
[ Sighs .]
It's not funny, Claire.
Hey, Cam.
Where are you? In the parking lot with binoculars.
What -- When did -- When did you buy an army jacket? Not him, to the left.
Oh, hi.
So you let Debbie take your whistle? Well, yeah, I can't blame her.
I'm a terrible coach.
I mean, I'm sorry I-I pushed you away.
No, no, no.
You hush up.
I'm the one who's sorry.
You know what? I've been trying to pretend like the pressure hasn't gotten to me, but it has.
Oh, my god.
Me too.
I -- I always thought we were that couple that could rise above tough times, you know? I just -- I don't want to feel like there's distance between us.
What? Sorry, you're -- Say that again.
- You're breaking up.
- I didn't hear you.
- What? Huh? - What? T-there you are.
[ Whistle blows .]
Referee: Second half, girls.
Oh, god.
Okay.
Intermission's over.
I got to -- Okay, listen up, bub.
You go get your team back.
We need this.
You're gonna get us a win today.
How? Just go get your whistle back.
Look at me.
We got this.
- Okay, so we're down by three, but -- - Hi! Hey! So, I got this from here, so -- [ scoffs .]
What do you think you're doing? What I was born to do.
I am a coach, damn it.
[ Grunts .]
Oh, god.
I'm so sorry.
That came off so much easier when you did it.
As our history with costume parties has taught us -- We shine brightest when we work as a team.
Yeah.
Okay, have the forwards form a triangle, spread the defense.
Okay, uh, forwards, form a triangle.
Spread the defense.
By late in the half, we had tied the score.
Proving once again, the best offense is a good defense.
That's like saying the best hat is a shoe.
Okay, with 10 seconds left, Lily was open on the wing.
Now have her pass to Lily.
Pass to Lily! - She passed to Lily.
- I can see.
Oh! [ Whistle blows .]
What?! Yes! Yes! Yes! Whoo, whoo! That was me.
I did that.
Claire: Uh-oh.
That was him! He did that.
It does feel different without her here.
Yep.
Pretty quiet without Luke here, too.
Did he say what time he's coming home? Soon, I'm sure.
Oh, he left you something.
"Thanks for letting me see that crazy house today.
Feel like building one ourselves tomorrow?" What? He went back for the duck eggs.
We found these eggs out in front of the house.
Yeah, honey.
I-I-I got it.
I got it.
I know the two of you well enough.
I can connect the dots.
But you just really helped me out.
Who are you -- [ Stammers .]
Alex: Again, mom? Alex, I know you said not to call unless it was very important, but this is.
I need to know everything you can tell me about baby ducks.
Ow! That stings! This is so not sexy.
Okay, so we all agree.
Everybody gets a free pass once a year to miss a kid event.
Ooh, I heard Luke might be forming a boy band, so I want to get out in front of that.
Great! That means you'll be available for my one-man quick-change version of "Seven Brides For Seven Brothers.
" I'm gonna change my vote.
Yeah, put me down for missing that, too.
No, but you don't understand.
I-I play all the brides and all the brothers.
Make it three.
But you'll come, right, Jay?