Roseanne s07e02 Episode Script

Ugh! David! Mrs.
Conner.
I know, it's late.
I was just down in Darlene's room playing Monopoly.
Yeah, right, and I was up here doing sit-ups.
I'm not lying, Mrs.
Conner.
Darlene and I haven't had sex all summer.
Well, I wouldn't know anything about that, what with being born yesterday.
Mrs.
Conner, there's something I have to tell you.
I love your daughter, but I don't wanna hurt her relationship with you and Mr.
Conner.
And I plan to marry Darlene someday, so if we have to wait for a little while now, it's a small price to pay to be with her forever.
You can't use lines like that and expect me to think you're not having sex.
Well, we're not.
I swear.
I mean, we still pet- Stop it! Right now, you are grounded for two weeks.
One week for having sex with my daughter, and another week for using the word "pet.
" D.
J.
What the hell are you doing up so late? They made me play Monopoly.
I wanted to go to bed and get my rest for school.
You haven't been feeding me a load of the truth, have you? Yeah, I thought that's what you'd like.
David, obviously you know very little about this family.
We have raised three children without the truth, and we've managed to do very well, thank you, without your consarned, newfangled ways.
Hey, honey.
David, what are you doing up? Well, uh I heard this noise.
So I came downstairs to see what it was, and it was this huge bird that was caught in the screen door there.
And I got it out, and then he left.
Okay.
See? Gross, oatmeal! I want a bear claw.
Well, tough, we don't have any.
We're eatin' healthy now, and oatmeal's good for ya.
There's your brown sugar and your syrup.
Since when did this family start eating oatmeal? Well, I'm not having any junk food in the house at all when I'm pregnant this time, 'cause I'm hoping that this one will turn out to be smarter than the other K- I-D-S.
Is it too much to ask that there be a washcloth in the bathroom in the morning? No, it's not too much to ask.
It's too much to do.
D.
J.
, why aren't you in the car? We're late.
I haven't eaten my breakfast yet.
There's Tic Tacs in the armrest.
Move! What's with him? Oh, he's a great, big, old sugar addict, going through withdrawal.
So desperate, I caught him out licking a beehive in the yard.
Good grief.
Why didn't he just ask for some sugar? Well, he doesn't know that that's what's bothering him.
He doesn't? No.
He's a man.
He has no insight into why he acts the way he acts.
He just knows he's mad.
You gonna explain it to him? Why should I? He's still taking most of it out on D.
J.
Hey.
Where you two going? I don't have to tell you what I'm doing.
I'm in college now.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
I don't own you anymore.
Where're you two going, David? We're gonna go study in the basement.
Thank you, there'll be a little something extra in your paycheck this week.
I thought they weren't allowed alone together in the basement.
Well, they weren't, but that was before I found out that they're not having sex.
And it's not like when Mom found out that we weren't having sex.
It's really true.
Roseanne, it is like when Mom found out.
What? I saw their car parked outside the Green Lantern Motel yesterday.
I saw Darlene going into one of the rooms.
Was D.
J.
there with a Monopoly board? No.
Damn them! Why did you have to tell me this? Don't get mad at me! I'm just the messenger.
Yeah, you're right.
I'm sorry.
You like some milk in your coffee? You two are having sex.
We are? David, why didn't you tell me? I'd have put my book down.
Well, I would expect to be lied to by you, young lady.
But you! I never even saw it coming, with those puppy-dog eyes and that sad clown hair.
What, did D.
J.
tell you? I don't plan to reveal my source, but suffice it to say, that your car was seen yesterday parked outside of the Green Lantern Motel.
It was not.
Are you calling Jackie a liar? I was at a movie yesterday afternoon.
Don't even start with me.
We take you into this house and treat you like one of our own kids, and then you turn around and treat us like you're one of our own kids! Mom, leave him alone.
I was at the motel, but not with David.
Well, did you save your ticket stub, you know, 'cause they're good for free fries at the Dairy Queen.
What are you doing, meeting strange men at motels? No, you have it all wrong.
I meet them at the truck stops, I take them to the motels.
So who're you meeting? Just this guy from school, Jimmy.
He came down for a few days and I met him in his room so we could talk.
Right.
Yeah, the advantage of talking in a motel is that, what, you can shower afterwards? Look, I didn't want David to find out I was meeting Jimmy.
I was trying to be considerate.
God, you are just such a wonderful gal, Darlene.
David is such a lucky fella.
There's nothing wrong with what I'm doing.
David knows about Jimmy.
What? He's known about it all summer.
And he's fine with it.
Oh, he's fine with his girlfriend meeting another guy in a motel? Yeah.
Cool for me, huh? No, Darlene, it isn't cool at all.
It's cruel and heartless.
How can you be so insensitive to a tiny, little wuss like David? Hey, I'm okay with it, and so are David and Jimmy.
So why do you have to try and control my life? Because, Darlene, I cannot shift the entire balance of nature just to please you.
Well, there's nothing you can do about it.
Oh, there's plenty I can do about it.
Like what? Like, no matter what happens, that Jimmy kid's not moving in here.
I thought you told me you'd have that truck finished before noon.
Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan.
I don't think you've quite got the hang of this civil service thing.
Finish the truck, then you go to lunch.
But Jackie's coming.
Since the baby, it's hard for us to have lunch as often as we used to.
And if I don't have lunch now, I'm gonna have to wait till Sunday for lunch.
I tell you what, for once, why don't you just act like an employee and do what the boss tells you.
Guess we won't be having lunch.
Now now, Jackie.
Dan? Not now, Jackie.
Dan.
Not now, Jackie.
Dan! Not now, Jackie.
I know what's bothering you.
Not now, Jackie.
Dan, eat a Ho Ho, would you? What? Roseanne won't tell you, but I will.
You're all testy because you don't have any sugar in your system.
What are you talking about? I had three donuts when I come in this morning.
You did? So why are you being so short with everybody? I got stuff on my mind.
Dan, I am your sister-in-law, and I would like to think that if I ever had a problem, that I could come to you.
You can't.
Dan, I just get the feeling that you wanna talk about it.
Jackie, if I tell you anything, you're gonna run to Roseanne.
No, that's not true! No, not if you tell me not to.
I'm gonna tell you something.
And you're gonna think I'm the worst person on the face of the planet.
Oh, my God, you're having an affair.
No, I'm not having an affair.
Would I be in my office during lunch if I were having an affair? You have thought about having an affair long enough to know that you would have to do it during lunch? I'm not having an affair.
I'm not thinking about having an affair! I just I'm not- I'm not feeling good about having this baby.
That's it? Yeah.
My wife is pregnant with my child, and I'm having all these doubts.
That's pretty terrible.
Dan, no, it isn't terrible.
Dan, it's perfectly natural to have doubts.
Not for me.
I've never felt this way before.
Dan! You always feel this way.
No, I don't.
Yes, you do! During every single one of Roseanne's pregnancies, you always freak out just like this.
I do? Yes! You couldn't sleep when she was expecting Becky, you had the chronic flop-sweat over Darlene, and you were convinced that D.
J.
was a bad idea.
Yeah, well, that's when he was six.
You're always a wreck about the pregnancy thing, and then Roseanne calms you down, she rubs your head, and she tells you that everything's gonna be all right.
Yeah, she does do that, doesn't she? So now don't you feel like everything's gonna be okay? Yeah.
Hey, thanks, Jackie.
You've actually helped me with my problem.
Did I really? Did I help you? So, what helped you the most? The part where I was really forceful, or the part where I told you how you always are when Roseanne is pregnant? Fred, lunch! Hey, don't eat all of that.
I'm saving half of it for Jimmy.
Okay.
Oh, God, David, you're so pathetic.
Sit down.
Mrs.
Conner, this whole Darlene and Jimmy thing, I really am cool with it.
You know, you might not think that you deserve to have Darlene all to yourself, but you do, David.
You're a really great kid.
Mrs.
Conner I'm willing to do whatever it takes to hold onto Darlene.
Even if that means sacrificing my self-respect and every shred of manhood I ever had.
Wow.
Does this Jimmy kid know what he's up against? Honey, I got all kinds of good food for the baby.
I got oranges, I got grapes, I got raspberries.
You've seen some of this stuff before, on the Trix box.
Why are you in such a good mood? You're not allowed to have sugar, so you better be drunk.
Listen.
I've been beating myself up about something all week, and I finally realized that what I need to do is talk to you.
Yeah? All right.
Well, I'm listening.
Well I been real scared all week.
You know? About the baby.
I just can't get it out of my head that what if it's a huge mistake.
And I thought we should you know, talk.
Well maybe we should have, you know, talked before we had, you know, sex.
No, see, you're getting mad, and I'm just having my usual doubts about having a baby.
You know what I'm like.
What do you want me to do about it, Dan? You want me to get rid of it? I didn't say that.
Oh, man, this is going all wrong.
Of course it's going all wrong, Dan.
You're not sure you wanna have the baby.
I'm not completely sure, I'm- I'm pretty sure I want it.
Well, I'm pretty sure that I'm completely pregnant.
So you better get completely sure pretty damn quick.
Thanks, hon, I feel a lot better.
Don't they have an adult section here or something? This stuff is for 12-year-olds that get knocked up.
What are you in such a bad mood about? Well, if you really must know, Mike Douglas is no longer on the air Dan hates the baby, and I suddenly realized I'll never be a ballerina.
What? Dan said he hates the baby? He didn't exactly say that, but he might as well have.
He comes home yesterday and starts griping to me about all these fears and doubts he's having.
I don't get it.
You didn't mind comforting him every other time.
Well, this time's different.
Why? I don't know, it just is.
Look at this crap.
I'm gonna wind up wearing Dan's clothes again.
I don't get it! What is so horrible about Dan having a few doubts? Because, Jackie, the jerk knew for a whole year that we were trying to have a baby.
Okay, it's just a little bit too late for him to be having doubts now, isn't it? And besides, I'm having them too.
Really? Why? I'm 42 years old.
I'm already tired.
What if I don't have the energy to raise this baby right? Well, you never worried about raising them right before.
Well, yeah, but I mean, what if something's wrong with it? I mean, 'cause my eggs are so old.
And then it ends up with a lifetime of problems and it's all my fault.
That's just silly.
You had the same worry about D.
J.
He is a perfectly normal 12-year-old.
He's 17, Jackie.
We just say he's 12, 'cause we're so damn embarrassed.
Why don't you just tell Dan that you're worried.
No! I can't be upset if he's upset too.
He needs me to be all sure, like I was the other three times.
So I can rub his stupid head and tell him everything's gonna be all right.
Well, so what if you've always been the strong one? You have a right to have some doubts.
I'm sure Dan would be very supportive if you just give him a chance.
You think so? Yes! Look how good he was when your back went out.
And when Dad died.
When you got that really bad haircut.
Yeah, that was hard on the whole family.
Yeah.
All right.
Maybe I'll give him a chance.
Thattagirl.
Yeah.
And you know, Roseanne, one of the magical things about relationships is the way that two people can find strength in being scared together.
Where did you come up with that crap? You said that to me when I was scared to marry Fred.
Come on, Jackie, this is serious! Darlene, there's something I wanna get off my chest here.
Oh, David, a lot of guys have a third nipple.
That doesn't make you a freak.
It's Jimmy, Darlene.
I wanna talk about Jimmy.
So talk.
What's he look like? David, come on.
Is he tall? I don't know.
Average.
Is he taller than me? Average would be taller than you, yes.
Are you sleeping with him? No.
Are you gonna sleep with him? I don't- I don't know, maybe.
When? David, don't do this.
This is killing me, Darlene.
You need to choose.
Oh, come on.
No, I'm serious.
I mean, I do have an ounce of dignity left.
Who's it gonna be, me or the other guy? The other guy.
Or me, that's right, choose.
I did.
David, you're so important to me.
I mean, were were each other's first love.
But people who don't explore other relationships end up becoming my parents.
He can't love you more than I do.
David, stop.
You know, if you sleep with him and you don't like it, I'll take you back.
David, please don't say anything else nice to me.
You know, this is hard for me too.
Fine.
I can't believe I wasted three years of my life with you, you coldhearted bitch.
Did that make it easier? Oh, hey.
Hey.
How you doing? Mmm Well, I'm okay, but I thought maybe we should talk.
Good, good.
I think we should too.
Yeah, 'cause there's a lot of stuff I didn't get to say yesterday.
Honey, we don't have to argue anymore.
I said a lot of stupid stuff I didn't mean yesterday.
Of course I'm not scared about the baby.
Really? Of course not.
I was completely out of line.
I mean, we're having a baby.
This is great news.
Oh, that's so sweet, Dan.
I'm so glad that I'm having your kid, and not one of them other guys I'm sleeping with.
Yeah, we're gonna raise this kid just fine.
Oh, man, you just have no idea how much this means to me.
Sometimes I need some support too.
Really? Well, you got it.
I'm there 100 percent.
I'm 100 percent behind this.
This is gonna be the best kid yet.
Well, so, what was it that changed your mind? Well, you know, your mind has thoughts, and that leads to other thoughts and then you're thinking.
And pretty soon, you're there and it's great! You're lying to me.
What do you want me to do? I'm trying to say the right thing here.
Well, saying the right thing doesn't mean anything if you don't mean it.
Well, I am gonna mean it.
I'm here to support ya.
When you have stuff to talk about, we should talk about it.
I mean, especially if you have doubts.
Do you have any, you know, doubts? Come here.
Everything's gonna be fine, Dan.
You really think so? Yeah, sure.
Yeah, you and me can handle anything, as long as we just talk these things through.
Yeah.
Yeah, makes everybody feel better.