King of the Hill s07e03 Episode Script

FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY and TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX TELEVISION Q-bag.
Q- bod.
No, man.
Looks like dang ol' "Mogmo.
" I'm not even going to give this animal the satisfaction of trying to read it.
That's just what he wants.
One day you're living in paradise.
Next day, it's a crime-ridden slum.
Society's going to hell in a hand basket.
I blame the media-blamers.
(car approaching) MAN: And one more thing, people.
K-107 is sponsoring this year's science fair which now will be known as "Rock the Science.
" The winner gets to present their findings to Easy Ed and the Chicken Boy.
(bell rings) Dude, you want to be my partner for the science fair? I found a dead bird in my backyard we could probably do something with.
Thanks, Joseph but I'd like to increase my chances of winning and decrease my chances of working.
Hey, Connie, want to be my science partner? That'd be great! I've got about 50 awesome ideas.
Well, 57 if we're allowed to use radium.
I'll e-mail them to you tonight.
Why are you trying to get back together with her? What? I'm not.
It's just a science project.
It's not like we're in a play together.
Dude, she might be thinking something else.
When she walked out of the room, she looked back at you.
I think you've been reading too many of your dad's romance novels.
Why else would the smartest girl in class want to work with you? You made sun tea for last year's science project.
Uh-oh.
Damn vandal.
This'll probably take us hours between the joking around and the horseplay.
And the beer runs.
Look, we're all upset but this guy hasn't licked me yet.
This is going to be cool.
Here we go.
That was fast.
You missed a spot.
I did? No, man, he didn't.
Like a dang ol' shadow.
I got to let her down easy.
Normally, I'd start with a joke but that's how she fell for me in the first place.
You know what might soften the blow? Tell her I've always been into her.
And that I always stare at her not because I'm creepy but because I'm deep.
I'll do what I can.
Hey, partner.
(grunts) (groaning) Connie? Whoa.
I knew you weren't wearing slutty lipstick.
Huh? I just got flipped by this girl who looked kind of like you but she was dressed like a teenager.
Ugh! That's Tid Pao, my cousin from L.
A.
She's sleeping in my room.
L.
A? She was so in my face, I thought New York but L.
A.
Is even better.
Hey ain't you the fat kid who jumped me? Yes, yes, I am.
Bobby Hill.
So, Tid Pao, how long you going to be here on the Third Coast? Till I ain't.
She's here for the rest of the semester.
Not that anyone asked me.
And while you're here, stop attacking people.
This isn't L.
A.
Where "anything goes.
" Where it's cool to take me to Knott's Berry Farm and totally ditch me.
Whoa, sorry, I didn't know I was smacking down your boyfriend.
Uh, boyfriend? Well Well, he's uh I'm not! We're just science partners.
Nothing more.
(scoffs): Peace.
Catch you later.
"Catch you later's" still a cool phrase, isn't it? I mean, have you ever used it? No.
Okay.
Whew.
Everybody, we have a new student: Tid Pao.
Now, I know there are a number of ways we can make fun of her name like "Kung Pao" or I suppose "Tid Poo," so let's have none of that.
So, do you enjoy exploring the mysterious world of science? Do you? Uh yes.
Did you see how she turned it around on him? Okay, Tid Pao will need a partner for the science fair.
I assume Joseph is available.
I don't want Tid Pao.
I want Connie.
You want Tid Pao.
BOBBY: That whole family is hot.
We could do something with photosynthesis but that's not very sexy.
And of course, mitochondrial cell swapping has been done to death.
Connie, I think we should switch partners.
What?! You asked me to be your partner and now you're blowing me off? Great.
Fine.
You and Joseph have fun.
So what's it going to be, paper airplanes? How a rock works? Actually I want to work with Tid Pao.
But she's just a stuck-up wise ass who wears too much makeup.
And the real reason her parents made her leave L.
A.
Is because her grades are slipping.
That's right, slipping.
So, she's not book-smart.
She gets an "A" in cool.
Hi, science partner.
You want to see my dead bird? Man, I hate it here.
I just want to come home.
GIRL: Too soon, Q-Bag.
Know what I'm saying? The Olvera Street Queens still going off about that kilo you stole.
Yo, just stay away, yo.
Yeah, maybe I should give back what I took from them.
Where you going to cop that much meth? You don't know any dealers down there.
I guess I'll have to cook it up myself.
I just got to get a hold of the equipment.
You better be careful, girl.
People probably got their eye on you.
No sweat.
I can con one of these inbred hicks to do my dirty work for me.
Hi.
Hold on.
Yo, Cleo, that hot dude from next door is here.
Call you back.
Will you be my science fair partner? Science partners, huh? Sounds cool.
All right! I mean 'Sup? BILL: See? I was right.
It's Q-Bag.
There's the "Q," and that's clearly "bag.
" Gentlemen I believe I've solved our graffiti problem.
We build a protective razor-wire-topped fence around our existing fence.
(sighs) Dang it, Dale that's genius.
Indeed.
I will use a salami to simulate what this stuff will do to a vandal's arm.
Hmm.
We need a real arm.
Bill? BOBBY: Hey, Tid Pao I've been, uh (clears throat) Jamming on some science fair ideas.
I've got some notions involving goggles and some kind of beaker.
Why don't we get together tonight for a brainstorming session? See where it takes us.
Don't worry about it.
I already got an idea.
Awesome.
I'll pick you up at 7:00.
Luann, you're the hippest person I know.
I need to take Tid Pao someplace that's not boring.
You know, sophisticated but close enough that I can ride my bike.
Okay.
Um you know what's exciting? That place where you bet on which chicken is madder.
I could not help overhearing and I cannot help making some suggestions.
Here's what to do.
The Pioneer Women's Museum.
Mom, I'm looking for cool, not lame.
Lame? Well, maybe if you think it's "lame" to spend an evening with costumes and artifacts used by our fore mothers.
BOBBY: I bet you thought we were too hick to have sushi in Arlen.
And a year ago, you would have been right.
MAN: Salmon's almost defrosted so it'll be just a sec.
Your fries are ready, though.
(coughing) Yo, man, this tuna's from a can.
I got it, Carl.
Maybe we should go roller-skating.
My mother clipped a coupon for me.
(scoffs) Um BOBBY: Oh, no! They're after us! (sighs) This is crap, isn't it? The crappiest.
Ooh I don't think you're supposed to touch the women.
Got boogs?! (laughs) (laughing) I think the cow wants to milk Grandma.
(laughing) You know what we should do for our project? Find out how boys like Bobby could possibly be interested in some street trash like Tid Pao.
You know, if you're tired, you could crash here.
Oh, Joseph, I really don't want to get into this again.
Joseph! Joseph, don't forget to do the yawn and stretch.
(yawns) Uh.
Hey, check this out.
You're the one doing that? My dad keeps having to sandblast restain and lacquer it off.
He's the one doing that? You've got to understand.
He doesn't even approve of bumper stickers.
Yeah, but you're cooler than that, aren't you? Give me that can.
Hmm.
Check it out, girl.
I'm representing! BILL: Q-Bag! Painterer! You inside now.
Dang it, Bobby.
Your mother and I took our wedding photos in front of that fence.
Man, I'm just keepin' it real, dawg.
(chuckling) You'd never make it in L.
A.
I hope I never make it to L.
A.
I could make it in L.
A.
I just have very fair skin.
My dermatologist says it would be a death sentence.
What's that? I'm sorry, Mom, I-I couldn't hear you over the crickets and banjos.
Mister, if you think you're in a small town now you're about to be mayor of your room for a few months, I tell you what.
And stay away from that Tid Pao.
And don't think I can't tell the difference between her and Connie because I can.
I swear to your father I keep you out of trouble and now you get mixed up with Bobby Hill! What is it with you beautiful Asian girls and that stupid redneck boy?! Why so self-destructive? Low self-esteem? Uh, long distance.
You use calling card? Of course not.
Yeah, the stuff will be ready by next week.
I just got to sell it, then book it back to Cali.
I'll bring you a little extra for your birthday.
Aw MAN (on radio): Clear your calendars open-cockpit biplane fans.
This weekend is the dedication of Arlen Airfield's new wind sock.
(sighing heavily) Yo, Tid Pao my dad said I couldn't see you and I just said, "Chill, Hank.
You don't tell me what" Close the door! Oh, crap! Did my dad see me?! Whoa.
My dad said that you're a bad influence and here you got half our science fair project done.
What are we making? It's a candy machine.
All right! Hard candy, chewy candy, sticky candy, gummy candy? Just candy.
Interesting.
Interesting.
So, what's the filling caramel, nougat, nuts, jelly? You ready to help me? Anything, partner.
Yo, your dad works at a propane place, right? Yeah, I'm going to need, like, four tanks.
Uh, I don't know.
As soon as I ask him, he'll want to know what it's for and when your name comes up, no go.
Then don't ask him.
But (sighing seductively) (moaning) (grunting and sighing) Sometimes I over think.
(Hank sighing) Can you believe the sass coming out of his mouth? And now it's on my fence.
Oh, come on, Hank.
He's just trying to impress a girl.
Remember how when we were first dating you used to run up the down escalators? Yeah, well at least he was using paint.
This is your dad's job? This place stinks.
Uh, yeah, you think that's bad? You should get a whiff of his overalls.
Most of his customers pay him in manure.
We're going to need two more tanks.
But these were the only little ones outside.
So, get some from inside.
You've already jacked his key chain.
What's the biggie? Oh (noise from behind door) (gasping and panting) Just going to grab a soda, fellas.
Morning, Joe Jack.
Morning, Enrique.
Morning, darlin'.
Oh, my God! Mr.
Strickland, we've been robbed! No, no, it all got spent on coffee yesterday.
Honest.
What the hell is going on in this town? First kids are spray-painting fences.
Now someone is stealing propane.
I can understand wanting propane so bad you could steal it but to actually go through with it? What kind of sicko would do that? (sighing) Well, the propane is under my watch so, it's coming out of my pay.
I was thinking maybe we can sell our first batch of candy and use the money to repay my dad.
Also, I was thinking we could call them Bobby Ruths.
Forget that.
I need you to jack us some cough syrup, yo.
You know, to finish our project.
More stealing? Yeah, we got heavy into that in the sixth grade.
It's kind of played out.
Now we're into asking our parents for the money and explaining what it's for.
(sniffing) Yeah, that's what's cool now.
Come on, Q-Bob.
Uh, I got five bucks.
We can go buy a bottle of children's cherry.
Man, you are so weak.
I'll meet you here before the science fair.
I mean, the science fizz-air.
Check out this machine we made.
It picks up radio signals.
(exasperated sigh) It's an incubator, Joseph.
I had the radio on in my room while I was making it.
Then does music just? So, Bobby, where's your cool girlfriend? She'll be here.
Don't you worry about that.
Mom, the science fair's today.
I need some cough syrup.
Are you trying to play sick? Because I will have a thermometer in you before you can sit down.
No, no, I want to go to school and win that science fair.
And when I come home the only thing I'm putting on Dad's fence is a blue ribbon.
Or a Chicken Boy T-shirt.
I don't remember what the prizes were.
I'll be honest with you.
I'm a little uncomfortable buying such a large quantity of zoom from a 13-year-old girl.
Please, mister, could I just get the deposit? I'm late for a Girl Scout meeting.
Don't you cross me, little girl.
Just made my deal.
It'll be enough to pay back the Olvera Street Queens and fly back to Cali first class.
Your punk ass picking me up at the airport? Great, thanks.
Oh, this is lemon! You brought it here? God, you are one dumb-ass pig farmer.
What are you yelling at me for? I'm the one here rocking the science.
Now, if you're ready to make some candy hand me that brake fluid.
What's that cop doing here? Oh, that's Mike Soto's dad.
He's one of the judges.
He was a substitute science teacher last year while he was on suspension from the force.
Yo, I got two priors.
But if you leave you won't get any credit.
It's all yours, man.
Fine, more "A" s for me.
Um, I think somebody already did your project.
Oh, yeah, it's right over there.
The vending machine.
That the best dig you got? Maybe you need to invent a trash-talking machine.
(chortling) Doof! I hope this candy tastes better than it smells.
Oh, it's got to.
It smells like cat pee.
Ammonia, cough syrup, drain cleaner Bobby, you're not making candy.
Didn't you watch that MTV special with Andy Dick? You're making methamphetamine.
You know crystal meth, ice, crank? Big deal, I made a crank machine.
I'll just change the sign to "How a Crank Is Made.
" Now, quit blocking me from the judges.
It's drugs, Bobby the kind you go to jail for.
Oh, God.
I swear I didn't know.
She set me up.
I'm just a clod-hopping pig farmer who was too dumb to listen.
You were so right about her.
Yup.
Connie, please, think.
You got to help me.
Hey, you wanted excitement, you got it.
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
The compression generated by the air pump can launch the potato with enough force to go through a man's skull at 100 yards.
Candy? Bobby, this is a refreshing change from Emily's "Can mice swim?" project.
Turns out they can, but not for long.
Let me try a piece.
No, no, no.
No.
The experiment is a failure.
I'll take the "F", sir.
Ooh, it's like rock candy.
You know who has a sweet tooth? Officer Soto.
Chad? No, you can't! It's bad! It's too sweet! You'll get diarrhea! I sneezed in it! W-what the heck is wrong with you?! It was an accident.
Prove it wasn't, yo.
I'm the last uncle you got.
You screw up here we ship you back to Grandma in Laos.
(grunting) The yellow tail smells a little funny but it all smells kind of funny to me.
Would you look at us chillin' in a hip new sushi place right here in Arlen.
Who needs L.
A? Hmm.
So, this is chicken tempura, huh? It's pretty good.
Mmm, try it with the gravy, Hank, it's mmm.
(drawl): Domo arigato.
at WGBH access.
Wgbh.
Org Man, I'm just keepin' it real, dawg.