The Golden Girls (1985) s07e03 Episode Script

Thank you for being a friend Traveled down the road and back again Your heart is true You're a pal and a confidant And if you threw a party Invited everyone you knew You would see The biggest gift would be from me And the card attached would say Thank you for being a friend (RINGING) You rang? I want a cracker.
I'll need something to wash it down, and a twist of lemon would be nice.
What is it now? Habit.
Give me that.
Listen, Ma, I've made a decision.
I think we're gonna have to get a nurse to take care of you until you're well.
A nurse? Why can't you take care of me? Normally, I would, but I have that education conference starting Tuesday.
And Blanche is busy with her granddaughter, and Rose is Well, I just think a nurse is the way to go.
I don't need a nurse.
I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself.
Oh, really? Then why have you been running me ragged doing things for you? Honestly? It tickles me.
Look, Ma, I'm hiring a nurse.
At your age, we can't take any injury for granted.
Well, it's your fault I sprained both my ankles.
Ma, you were the one who sneezed and blew yourself off the stool.
It wouldn't have happened if you'd let me sit at the table that night.
Look, Ma, you know the rules.
When we eat Mexican food, you sit at the counter.
Now, it's settled.
I'll have a nurse here tomorrow.
Wouldn't it be cheaper just to set me adrift on some ice floe? If it were, do you think you'd still be here? Oh, hi.
We're back.
Oh, hi, honey.
And what did you do today? Grandma took me down to the docks to watch the sailors come in.
I remember spending that quality wharf time with my grandma.
Oh, and guess what? Grandma gave me a new nickname to call her in front of the Navy.
Oh, what was that? Sis.
Sis? Well, she calls her other grandmother "Grandma".
This just cuts down on the confusion.
Run along, darling.
Run along.
Oh, girls, I'm just so worried.
You've got to help me.
I'm so concerned about Melissa.
Why? What's wrong? I'm just afraid I had a lot more fun this afternoon than she did.
And I promised Janet her little girl would have fun this week.
I swear, I have no idea how to keep her entertained.
Honey, the important thing is to spend time with her.
Why don't you do something that both of you enjoy? Why don't you take her to the movies, to the beach? Why don't you take her to the petting zoo? The Petting Zoo? Dorothy, even I don't go to that club anymore.
Girls, I've got big news.
I found something Melissa and I can do together.
I have entered her in the Little Miss Miami pageant.
And we're a cinch to win, aren't we? Hit it, sweetheart.
Hi, my name's Melissa, and I'm five years old.
Blanche, she's seven.
No, that works out to be five in Blanche years.
Look at this face, girls.
How could a child this gorgeous lose? I think it's a great idea.
Oh, sure it is, if you like the notion of children competing in a bloodthirsty, winner-take-all contest, where what's on the outside is considered more important than what's on the inside.
Lost the Little Miss St.
Olaf pageant, did you? Twenty-three years in a row.
Once they picked Eileen Ditmeyer's imaginary playmate over me.
Well, sure, she was more talented, but still, I smelled a rat.
You mean the contest was fixed? No, that was my talent.
Smelling rats.
Blanche, I'm not sure that this is a good idea, either.
I mean, beauty pageants are archaic and sexist, not to mention degrading.
Lost the Little Miss Brooklyn contest, did you? I practiced that trombone for weeks! And there was Ma sitting in the front row, sucking a lemon.
Well, you were just nervous because your mother was in the front row.
She was a judge.
Well, come along, Melissa, we have a lot of work to do if we're gonna win.
But we can still go to the circus this week, right? Well, we'll see.
Honey, the pageant is just a few days away.
You can go to that circus any old time.
How many years can you enter the Little Miss contest? Evidently, twenty-three.
At least my mother voted for me.
(DOORBELL RINGING) Ah, Nurse DeFarge, right on time.
Of course I'm right on time.
I'm always on time.
You know what happens when a nurse is late? People die.
Well, then, let's get the party started.
Uh, this is my friend, Rose Nylund.
I'll go get Ma.
I'm sure she's anxious to get reacquainted.
Oh, then you've known Sophia before? Yes, she was one of the residents a few years ago at a place I worked called Shady Pines.
But to tell you the truth, I don't think that she'll remember me.
Ma, I'm sure you (SCREAMING) I hope that doesn't make you uncomfortable.
Ma, what are you doing? I'm rolling for my life.
You hired the Angel of Death from Shady Pines.
Ma, don't be ridiculous.
She is not the Angel of Death.
She is a private nurse with excellent references.
And for the last time, Shady Pines is a very reputable rest home.
I'm telling you, Dorothy, they used to pre-sell our bodies to medical schools.
That was the big joke, "How would you like to go to college?" Now, where's my patient? Don't you mean victim? Ma! Now, look, Sophia, I know you didn't like it at Shady Pines.
Nobody did after their families dumped them there.
But I'm sure if you just give me a chance, we'll become fast friends.
Dorothy, I really wish you'd respect my feelings about this.
Ma, I really wish you had voted for me in the Little Miss Brooklyn pageant.
Hey, I calls 'em as I sees 'em.
Now, ladies, please.
Sophia, I'm just here to take care of you.
You want your back rubbed? I'm here.
A glass of water? Call me.
My job is just to see to each and every one of your needs.
Will you excuse us? I have to talk something over with my daughter.
Of course.
You see, Ma You rang? You're hired.
Well, it won't be a stylish marriage I can't afford a carriage (BOTH SINGING) But you'll look sweet upon a seat Of a bicycle built for two Oh, my God, they've bonded.
Hey! What are you doing? We were going to watch The Nun's Story.
I've never seen it before.
Oh, she leaves the convent in the end.
Here it is, Ironside.
He's the master of the wheelchair.
Just look at the way he takes those corners.
Oh, come on.
The guy's got radials.
Excuse me, we were watching something else.
Well, Sophia wants to watch Ironside, and I believe a happy patient is a healthy patient.
He's a fine detective, isn't he, Sophia? Oh, please, call me Ma.
Ma? Not you.
Popcorn, Ma? Oh, no, it gets caught in my teeth.
I tell you what, I'll floss them while you nap.
You're a good kid.
You want plain floss or mint-flavored? Surprise me.
Now, I'm serious.
You have got to get rid of that woman.
Look She just bosses us all around, won't let us have any fun, make any noise.
She's makin' our lives miserable.
I don't like her any more than you do, but what can I do? Ma's ankles haven't healed yet.
And besides, Nurse DeFarge means well.
Dorothy, at 2:00 a.
m.
this morning, I was entertaining a gentleman caller when she opened the door at the most inopportune time.
I could have lost my balance and chipped a tooth.
You think that's annoying? She came into my room last night when I was reenacting the gangplank scene from Peter Pan.
What the hell goes on at night in this house? Look, I know you are both upset, but nothing I have heard is grounds for firing the woman.
Oh, excuse me, ladies.
Oh, by the way, Dorothy, a man called wanting to know if you were free Saturday night, but I forgot to write down the number.
Sorry.
Hasta la vista, baby.
Grandma, is this the one you said you liked? Oh, yes, isn't that just beautiful? Girls, look.
This is one of her outfits for the pageant.
I'm telling you, she's gonna win this thing hands down.
Sweetheart, sing your song for everybody.
Grandma, I'm tired.
We've been rehearsing all day.
But if we don't rehearse, we don't win.
Blanche, aren't you getting a little carried away with this pageant? Well, don't be ridiculous.
In fact, I wish Janet were here to see how wonderful her mother and her little girl are getting along.
I just know she's gonna let her come back year after year.
I'll go get the music.
You be sure and get some sleep tonight, sweetheart, so you'll be all rested when we go to the zoo tomorrow.
I'm not going to the zoo.
Grandma says we have to rehearse tomorrow.
In fact, we can't do anything fun because of the stupid pageant.
I wish I could just go home.
(SIGHS) Here we go.
But before we sing our little hearts out, how about a hug for the best grandma in the world? (EXCLAIMING) I hate this.
I am not good at firing people.
I've never been good at confrontations.
How about when you made that cop cry? Then he wasn't much of a cop, was he? Maybe I better talk to Nurse DeFarge.
I think I could handle it with a little more tact.
Ah, good morning, ladies.
Not for you, Nursey-nurse-nurse-nurse.
Uh, what I think Rose is trying to say is that Uh, things aren't working out, and we're gonna have to let you go.
You're firing me? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Yes.
What's going on? I've been fired, Ma.
What? We all think it's for the best.
Well, Mildred, I guess that's it.
What Dorothy says, goes.
We'll just have to say (GROANS) Leg cramp.
Oh! There, there, there.
Oh, that's better.
Thank God you were here.
Dorothy, I'm sorry.
I cannot leave.
What? Until she can walk again, I'm staying put.
You're a good daughter.
Take a lesson, pussycat.
You're pussycat, too? I am pussycat one.
You are pussycat two.
What can I do? Ma obviously needs her.
My hands are tied.
Sorry about that nursey-nurse-nurse-nurse thing.
I never thought I'd see you again.
Well, Sophia, I'm going to have to keep my word.
As soon as you can walk, I'll have to leave.
Yeah, I know, as soon as I can walk.
But I don't think that's gonna be for a long, long time.
This competition's gonna be a piece of cake, Rose.
Just look around.
Ugly.
No charisma.
Now there's a gym teacher waiting to happen.
Blanche, how can you say that? All these girls are adorable.
Oh, yeah, sure.
I just wish I had that one's nose full of nickels.
She's on in two minutes.
Oh, two minutes.
Grandma, I don't think I can sing in front of all those people out there.
But of course you can, sweetheart.
You're just a little nervous.
(GIGGLES) They always get this way before the talent portion.
My Clarisse still gets butterflies before she twirls her fire batons.
Fire scares me.
But I just remind her that Mommy is right off stage with a big bucket of baking soda, and then she feels better.
It scares me a lot.
Well, anyway, good luck to you both.
Come along, Clarisse.
Help me.
Did you see that? I tell you, some people should not be allowed near children.
That poor little girl.
What could be worse than havin' a mother like that? Having a grandmother like that.
Now, wait a minute, Rose.
I'm just doin' this for Melissa.
She's been havin' a wonderful time.
Has she? Yeah.
Meli-Melissa, come here.
Sweetheart, come here, I want to ask you somethin'.
Now, tell me the truth.
You want to be here, don't you? You've been havin' a wonderful time with Grandma, haven't you? 'Cause if you haven't been, darlin', well, we'll just leave right now.
She's on! Showtime! (PIANO PLAYING) She's not singin'.
Why? Why ain't she singin'? Well, she's just frozen solid.
Oh, no.
Melissa? Oh, gosh, Melissa! That's your music, Melissa.
Honey, do you remember the words? Gray skies are gonna clear up Put on a happy face Come on, sweetheart, sing.
Brush off the clouds and cheer up Go down the stairs.
Here's where you move your feet.
Move! Take off the gloomy mask of tragedy It's not your She was so good at home.
You'll look so good that you'll be glad you decided to smile Smile.
Pick out a pleasant outlook Stick out that noble chin Stick it out.
If you sing, I'll buy you a puppy.
Slap on a happy grin And spread sunshine all Oh, let me have that boa.
Just put on a happy Put on a happy Her daddy's still in the Gulf.
Put on a happy Melissa? Face (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Oh.
Uh, Melissa, may I speak with you, please? Could you wait a moment? Someone's having a story read to her.
I'm sorry.
Go ahead.
"And the prince took the princess to the castle, "and they lived happily ever after.
The end.
" They didn't get married? That's implied.
For what it's worth, I, um I know it was a mistake to make you do the pageant and--and And I'm truly very sorry.
(SIGHS) (IN A GRUFF VOICE) You know, your grandma feels real bad about everything.
What do you say we forgive her? You know, you You remind me so much of your mother when she was your age.
(EXCLAIMS) She used to get so mad at me.
And then as she got older, it seems like we just fought all the time.
Till finally, one day, we just stopped talkin' altogether.
It wasn't until you were born that we tried to make up, but seems like we still couldn't let go of the past.
Oh, Melissa, I don't want to go through that again.
I would just die if I thought that was gonna happen to us.
Melissa, I know you're just a little girl, but this is the point where you're supposed to stop me and say, "I love you.
Don't go.
" Why? Well, because you're from the South, honey.
It's just good manners.
Course I still love you.
You're my grandma.
I'm just mad at you.
Oh, well.
I I can accept that, if you're still gonna give me another chance, 'cause I still want to try to be the best grandma in the whole world.
Does this mean I can start calling you grandma again? Aw, of course you can.
Just not around anybody in uniform.
(MELISSA GIGGLES) Okay? Daisy, Daisy Give me your answer true I'm Hello.
Hello.
It's a miracle.
I can walk.
Sophia, look at you! You're walking.
I just can't believe it.
Neither can I.
Pretty amazing, eh, pussycat? Mmm-hmm.
Congratulations, Sophia.
I am so proud of you.
But I suppose this means that my work here is done.
But don't you worry about me.
As long as there's pain and suffering in the world, I'll be okay.
Well, now that I'm up, I might as well do some shopping.
Get back here, you deceitful little Sicilian gecko! I wuv you.
Too wittle, too wate.
Ma, I can't believe you did this.
Why did you lie to me? Because, for the first time in my life, somebody was paying attention to me, pampering me, and it was nice.
Mildred made me feel special, feel loved.
But what about the awful way she made the rest of us feel? Hey, that was just gravy.
Look, Ma, I know I don't pamper you.
But the reason I make you do things for yourself, is because I want to keep you active and vital.
The best way to show you I care is to make sure that you You don't settle into old age.
So you're saying you make me vacuum and dust and scrape crusty stuff off the tile because you love me? Honestly? It tickles me.
Pussycat.
Ma.