Seinfeld s07e04 Episode Script

Every morning, when you wake up, it's like you're born all over again.
You can't see, you can't talk.
You're on your way to the bathroom trying to remember, "How do I walk?" Like you've never been alive before.
But if any invention marks the decline of human civilization it would have to be the snooze alarm.
The snooze alarm is based on the idea that when the alarm goes off, you are not getting up.
You're not even awake, you're already a failure.
They should sell the snooze alarm with an unemployment application and a bottle of tequila.
Just make it a complete pathetic-loser kit.
- Hello.
- This is your wak e-up service.
It's 7.
15.
Oh, God.
Oh, I could use a few more hours sleep.
- Hot date last night? - I wish.
A woman with a sexy v oice lik e yours it's hard to believe you're waking up alone.
Really? Thank you Tri-State Wake-Up Service person.
- Call me James.
- Oh, all right, James.
The wake-up guy asked you out? Yeah, I've never seen him but I feel like we have this weirdly intimate relationship.
You know, I mean, I'm lying in bed.
I'm wearing my nightie.
I don't know.
A blind date? You wanna go out with my cousin Holly.
You've never met her.
Yeah, but I've seen pictures of her.
At least I've spoken to my guy.
You're going out on a deaf date.
I think I'd rather go on a deaf date than a blind date.
The question is, would you rather date the blind or the deaf? - Now, you're off on a topic.
- That's interesting.
See, now, I think I would rather date the deaf.
Because I think the blind would probably be a little messy around the house.
I mean, let's face it, they're not gonna get all the crumbs.
You're constantly walking around with a sponge.
See, I disagree.
I would rather date the blind.
You know, you could let the house go, you let yourself go.
A good-looking blind woman doesn't know you're not good enough for her.
I think she'd figure it out soon enough.
What? What is this? Veggie sandwich and a grapefruit.
Veggie sandwich and a grapefruit? What are you turning into? A healthy person.
- You squirted me.
- Oh, sorry.
Boy, that stings.
George, have you seen Morgan? - No.
- He's been coming in later and later.
- Is there something wrong? - No, not that I know of.
Really? Well, make sure he signs this.
George, if there's a problem with Morgan, you can tell me.
Morgan? No, he's doing a great job.
I understand.
I still can't believe you're going out on a blind date.
I'm not worried.
He sounds like he's good-looking.
You're going by sound? What are we, whales? I think I can tell.
What percentage of people are good-looking? - Twenty-five percent.
- Twenty-five percent? No way.
It's like 4 to 6 percent.
It's a 20-1 shot.
- You're way off.
- Way off? You been to the Motor Vehicle Bureau? It's a leper colony down there.
So basically, what you're saying is 95 percent of the population is undateable? Undateable.
Then how are all these people getting together? Alcohol.
What is your problem? No problem here.
You keep winking at me.
That's really obnoxious.
- I had no idea.
- Right there.
You just did it again.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
It's from that grapefruit Jerry squirted at me.
Oh, your eye still hurts? Yeah, yeah, you must have squirted a piece of pulp in it too.
Pulp couldn't make it across the table.
Pulp can move, baby.
Why can't you eat a real breakfast? I eat healthy.
If I have to take out an eye, that's the breaks.
Wait a minute.
I must have been winking down at the office.
That's why Mr.
Wilhelm was acting so misterioso.
What did he think, you were flirting with him? No, he thought I was hiding something about Morgan.
- Hey, guys.
- Hi, Jughead.
Hello, Archie, Veronica, Mr.
Weatherbee.
Hey.
- Is this Don Mattingly's signature? - Yeah.
And Buck Showalter's? It's an interoffice envelope.
It gets passed around all over the office.
Hey, can I show this to my buddy Stubs? He runs a sports-memorabilia store.
He'll pay top-dollar for pro autographs.
Yeah, like I'm gonna risk my job with the New York Yankees to make a few extra bucks.
No, of course not.
No, you see, Don Mattingly signed this envelope.
Then he sent it to room 318 where it was received and signed for by manager Buck Showalter.
I don't know.
An envelope? - It doesn't really cut it.
- Why? And what is this? A birthday card.
Signed by the entire Yankee organization? This could be worth something.
- Is that the lovely Mrs.
Morgan? - Hello.
You got that birthday card? - Birthday card? - Mr.
Steinbrenner's birthday card.
Wilhelm said you'd have it for me to sign.
Oh, yeah.
I'll have that for you right after lunch.
- Fine.
I'll be back after my massage.
- Of course, your massage.
Enjoy your massage.
- Hello? - Elaine? - James.
- Yes.
Hello.
I can't believe Elaine's never taken you here.
I'm really not much of a meat eater.
You don't eat meat? - What are you, one of those? - No, I'm not one of those.
When we were little girls Grandma Mema would take us to a matinee and dinner here.
- Grandma Mema? - Elaine must have mentioned Mema.
No, I think I would have remembered Mema.
Oh, well, that's typical.
Elaine never liked Grandma Mema.
Ready? I'll have the porterhouse, medium rare, baked potato with sour cream.
What do you recommended besides a steak? The lamb chops are good.
Anything lighter? How do you prepare the chicken? It's a full bird, stuffed with ham, topped with Gorgonzola.
You know, I'll just have a salad.
Thank you.
Just a salad.
Just a salad.
Just a salad.
Here you are.
Hey, boys.
Hey, you.
Hey, you.
Hi.
These are your dogs? Yeah, when you live alone, your dogs are all you have.
Do you like dogs? Shut up, you stupid little mutt! - Dogs? Oh, I love dogs.
- Boys, this is Elaine.
I'm sorry.
They're usually very friendly.
Hey.
Hey, Mr.
Morgan, how was your massage? I had to cancel it.
For some reason my wife got it into her head that it was more than just a massage.
- Really? - We got into this big fight at lunch.
- I'll be sleeping on the couch.
- Listen, don't oversleep.
- You can't afford to be late again.
- I know.
Somebody's been giving Wilhelm the impression I've been slacking off.
Hey, you know, you should try my friend's wake-up service.
She's swears by this thing.
You may be my only friend around here.
- By the way, you got that card? - Not yet.
Make sure Steinbrenner doesn't get it till I sign it.
Yes, sir.
I mean, I just don't understand it.
As soon as I met these dogs, they started growling at me.
Well, maybe his dogs heard about how you tried to kidnap that other dog.
These mutts like to gossip.
So have you talked to Holly? Did she mention our lunch? - Kind of.
- Well, what do you mean, "Kind of"? I mean, she thought it was kind of strange to just order a salad.
You know, for a man.
Like a quiche thing? You're in the ballpark.
Salad? What was I thinking? Women don't respect salad eaters.
You got that right.
You're going over there for dinner tonight, right? - What is she making? - I don't know.
I'm sure it had parents.
Call her up.
She won't mind if you come.
Oh, don't worry, I'll be there.
And I'll be packing an artery.
Well, Mr.
Weatherbee.
Do you have that Yankee envelope? I sure do.
- There you are.
- Hey.
Think you're gonna be very pleased when you see what's inside.
- What is this? - Your cut of the loot.
Stubs gave me $200 for the autographed birthday card that was inside.
Who told you to sell the card? - You did.
- No, I didn't.
Well, not in so many words but I believe we had an understanding.
I was not winking, you idiot.
That was the grapefruit.
It's like acid.
I need that card back.
It's Steinbrenner's.
I was responsible.
Well, Stubs sold it to some guy whose kid is in the hospital.
Well, get it back.
It's very important.
Look, you want me to get it back or not? Get it back! This is such a lovely table setting, Holly.
- Where did you get these napkins? - They were Grandma Mema's.
- I don't remember them.
- You wouldn't.
She only used them on special occasions.
Special occasions? It wasn't special when my family visited? Everybody like mutton? Mutton.
Hope you didn't cut the fat off.
- Are you Bobby? - Yes.
Well, I heard that you have a very special birthday card with all the Yankee autographs on it.
- Sure do, mister.
- Oh, boy.
Yeah, yeah, that's it.
Yeah.
Boy, Stubs sure went to town with this thing, huh? Yeah, well, Bobby, what if I told you that a very important person at the New York Yankees needed this card back? Oh, no.
I'd never part with this card for anything in the world.
Well, Bobby - Who's your favourite Yankee? - Paul O'Neill.
What if I get Paul O'Neill to hit a home run just for you? - Really? Paul O'Neill would do that? - For you, he would.
Could he hit two home runs? Two? Sure, kid.
But then you gotta promise you'll do something for me.
I know.
Get out of this bed one day and walk again.
Yeah, that would be nice, but I just need the card.
What about this candelabra? That was Grandma Mema's also.
She bought it on her trip to Europe in 1926.
Jerry, I'm thrilled you like my mutton.
I was afraid you only ate salad.
Hey, salad's got nothing on this mutton.
That is so funny.
Did you just make that up? I wish I could take credit for it.
It's actually a line my butcher uses when we're chewing the fat.
How about that beautiful desk over there? Yeah, that was in Mema's study.
I love that desk.
What did you do, ransack the place after she died? This is some fine mutton.
You know what? I'm getting out of here.
Can I borrow your jacket? - Well, the thing is - It's cold out, okay? I didn't bring my own, okay? Jerry.
Jerry! God forbid I should borrow one from Holly.
It might have belonged to Grandma Mema.
Thanks for mutton.
Nice doggy.
I'm a nice person.
Don't believe what you hear.
I love dogs.
I really do.
- Where are the napkins? - What? Grandma Mema's napkins.
Two are missing.
Elaine took them, didn't she? I don't know about that.
- Have you got any floss? - You heard her.
She coveted them.
I bet she took them just to spite me.
She's probably having a laugh about it right now.
Down, doggy! What are you doing in this neighbourhood? - Did you hide the dogs? - Yeah, they're in the kitchen.
It's okay.
Okay.
Quiet! - What's going on? - Oh, God.
These dogs were chasing me.
And no cabs were stopping.
I had to get off the street.
I remembered you lived here.
Why were dogs chasing you? They just don't like me.
It's a long story.
I can tell you about it someday, but not right now.
I would ask you to stay, but I only have the sofa bed, and it's where I sleep.
Well, we'll have to sleep head-to-toe.
- Head-to-toe? - Head-to-toe.
Hey, wake up.
It's 8:30.
You were supposed to wake me up at 7: 15.
I'm sorry.
I didn't get any sleep.
You kept kicking me in the face.
You're a wake-up guy.
Don't you have calls to make? I'll make them later.
- Have you seen Morgan? - He's not here? No, he's late again.
That's impossible.
I got him a wake-up service.
You don't have to cover for him.
He's gonna be gone soon and I'm gonna recommended you for his job.
Gone? Sounds like all that winking got you a promotion.
I don't want Morgan's job.
He's got a lot of work to do.
Hey, Elaine, your friend never woke up Mr.
Morgan.
Yeah, well, he was tired.
He had feet in his face.
My cousin Holly is completely insane.
She keeps calling and accusing me of stealing her napkins.
- Napkins? - I mean, why? Why would I take her stupid napkins? Because they were in the pockets of my jacket.
- They were? - Yes.
I was using them to spit out the mutton.
You spit it out? I had dogs chasing me for that.
I was almost mauled because of that mutton.
- What exactly is mutton? - I don't know.
And I didn't wanna find out.
So where's my jacket? I must have left it at James'.
Spent the night at James', did we? Yeah, but we reversed positions, so there was no funny business.
- Reversed positions? - Yeah, you know, head-to-toe.
So what? Your genitals are still lined up.
No, because I slept with my back to him.
- Mr.
O'Neill? - Yeah.
Yeah, look, you don't know me.
All right.
I can give you an autograph here but my pen's kind of screwed up and you'll probably only get, like, half a P.
No, it's not that.
It's about a boy in the hospital.
I was wondering if you could do something to lift his spirits.
- I can help you there.
- I promised you'd hit two home runs.
- You what? - Yeah, you know, a couple of dingers.
You promised a kid in the hospital I'd hit two home runs? - Yeah, what? No good? - No, it's no good.
It's terrible.
You don't hit home runs like that.
It's hard to hit home runs.
Where did you get two from? Well, two is better than one.
That's ridiculous.
I'm not a home-run hitter.
- Well, Babe Ruth did it.
- He did not.
You're saying that Babe Ruth was a liar? I'm not calling him a liar, but he wasn't stupid enough to promise two.
Well, maybe I did overextend myself.
How did you get in here anyway? Oh, hi, Elaine.
You know, I lost all of my 6:30 clients because of you.
Yeah, well, why did you have to stick your feet in my face? Yes, I have the jacket.
Hold on.
Fellas.
What do you got? The Yank ees tak e the field on a beautiful afternoon.
It's hot in here.
Hey, Bobby, can I have some of your juice? After Paul O'Neill hits his first home run.
- Yeah? - It's Holly.
- Come on up.
- And the two-and-one pitch to O'Neill.
Towering shot to deep right field, and it's gone! - Yeah! - A home run for Paul O'Neill.
- The Yanks lead 1-nothing.
- Oh, yeah! All right.
Yeah.
One more to go.
Hey, what's all this? I decided I'm gonna make you dinner.
Oh, I thought we were going out.
After you scarfed up my mutton I had the irresistible urge to make pork chops for you.
Well, I said hello to Franco for you.
- Franco? - Your butcher down the street.
I bet he acted all aloof like he didn't know me.
- A little.
- That is so Franco.
Bottom of the eighth.
Score tied at 1 apiece.
Two and one to Paul O'Neill.
Bobby, it's hard to hit two home runs in one game, even for Paul O'Neill.
He can do it, Mr.
Kramer.
I know he can.
He'll do it for me.
Long fly ball into deep left field, and it drops just over Belle's head.
O'Neill's rounding second, the ball rolling back to the wall.
- O'Neill heading for third.
- Come on! O'Neill rounds third, being waved in.
Yeah! Go! Go! And Martinez throws it over Alomar's head.
O'Neill is safe at home, the Yank ees tak e the lead.
Inside-the-park home run! - Yes, he did it.
- All right.
Yeah, well, I guess I'll be on my way.
Now, that's being scored a triple for Paul O'Neill with a throwing error charged to Martinez.
Hey.
That's not a home run.
Well, maybe not technically, but You said he would hit two home runs.
Come on, Bobby.
Bobby, that's just as good.
- Well, you're not taking that card.
- Now, Bobby, Bobby.
We had a deal.
Come on, give me that.
So is the chop the way you like it? I usually like mine with an angioplasty.
Something really stinks to high Holly.
What are you doing here? What everyone does here.
Cooking pork chops.
Listen, I'm meeting James here.
He's bringing over your jacket.
- And what about the napkins? - Oh, God.
I didn't take your napkins.
- Then who did? - Ask Jerry.
Hey, we can argue all night over who took the napkins.
The point is, in today's modern world, it just doesn't seem relevant.
I still wanna know what happened to that birthday card.
- Now, Morgan, did you ever sign it? - No, sir.
George never gave it to me.
That's right.
I didn't.
I take full responsibility for the card not being here, l - I got it.
- What's this? Oh, it's a birthday card.
Yeah.
George, by the way, tomorrow night Paul O'Neill has to catch a fly ball in his hat.
George, this is beautiful.
Why didn't you tell me you were gonna have it mounted? Yeah, you were probably just gonna stick it in an envelope.
George, keep up the good work.
Well, you screwed me again, Costanza.
How am I supposed to sign the card now, huh? It's already under glass.
Hi, James.
Oh, this is Excuse me.
What are those dogs wearing? Oh, bandanas.
Aren't they cute? You gave Mema's napkins to some dogs? Hey, what happened to my jacket? Oh, the dogs did that, but it wasn't their fault.
Somebody stuffed some strange meat in the pockets.
- Was it mutton? - Could have been.
You always stuff meat in your pockets? Sometimes I use the sofa.
You wanted to see me? Yes, George.
Please, come in, come in.
Thanks for the card.
I loved it.
It made me feel good.
Word has it you were the brains behind the thing.
No, no, not just me.
The whole organization.
Especially Mr.
Morgan.
Morgan, Morgan.
You know, his name is absent from this card.
Like he went out of his way not to sign it.
Oh, no, Morgan is a good man, sir.
You can stop.
Congratulations, you've got his job.
Well, thank you, sir.
You know, I'm not quite sure I'm right for it.
It's done, George.
He's out, you're in.
- It's a lot more work.
- I know.
A lot more responsibility.
- Long, long hours.
- I know.
Not much more money.
But you'll finally get the recognition you deserve.
That's what I'm afraid of.
You know, Mr.
Steinbrenner George, as painful as it is, I've had to let a few people go over the years.
Yogi Berra, Lou Piniella Bucky Dent, Billy Martin Dallas Green Dick Hauser, Bill Virdon Billy Martin Stump Merrill, Billy Martin Bob Lemon, Billy Martin Gene Michael, Buck Showalter George, you didn't hear that from me.
George!