The King of Queens s07e04 Episode Script

All righty.
I'm thinking something cocoa.
Oh, no.
Oh, for the love of Pete.
Don't panic.
Don't panic.
All right.
What else we got here? Fiber, fiber, fiber.
Bran, bran.
Thank you, Arthur.
Okay.
Keys.
Purse.
Sunglasses.
Okay, bye, honey.
Sweetie, uh trying to keep it together here, and know that I'm not mad at you.
I'm mad at the situation.
We're out of Cocoa Puffs.
So? There's a whole cabinet full of cereal there, hon.
Thank you, but I'm plenty regular.
Um See, you told me if I wanted something to put it on the shopping list, which I did.
If you can look here, see? Cocoa Puffs, four boxes.
I'm doing my part.
I'm just not understanding where we're going off the tracks.
Let me tell you something, Doug.
I had a total of four hours sleep, and that's because I spent the other 20 hours working on three different projects.
And it's all stuff that I haven't done before, so if I hear the words "cocoa" or "puff" one more time, you will be eating my fist for breakfast.
I'm just saying the list was your idea.
All right, gang, it's story time, so cell phones off, Heffernan on.
All right, you know that guy I'm delivering to, the guy who's becoming a woman? Well, the beard is still there, but as of yesterday, the boobs are in.
Big ones? No.
He went small and perky.
Damn.
If you're gonna do it, how do you not go huge? Exactly.
I mean, I'm a B cup, and I've done nothing.
That's not even the funniest part.
Funny part is while he's signing, he's squeezing 'em together, and leaning in, and I'm giving him nothing, you know? Hey, guys, I want to introduce you to, uh, Tim Murphy.
Hey.
What's up, man? Guy, what are you doing? I'm in the middle of my story.
I'm just introducing my new trainee.
You're training somebody? What's your first lesson gonna be, how to drive a 14-foot truck under a 13-foot underpass? All right.
The sign was covered with ivy, all right? It was, like, a year ago.
When are you gonna let that go? Probably when somebody does something stupider, so never.
Hey, but at least he got to drive back to the depot in a convertible.
You know what I'm sayin'? Hi.
I'm Michelle.
They sent me from upstairs.
I just told Patty that the specs aren't ready yet.
Oh, no.
I'm your assistant.
My what? Your assistant? No, I don't have an assistant.
I am an assistant.
Miss Boone said you could use some extra help.
Okay.
Is this a practical joke? Did Debbie put you up to this because I said her ankle boots made her look slutty? No.
Here's the assignment memo.
Mm.
So you're really my assistant? Yes.
So what can I do for you? Um, okay, hold on.
I'm new at this.
I'll find something.
Um Looks like you could use some more coffee.
Yes.
Yes, I should've thought of that.
Yeah.
Cream and sugar.
Okay.
Okay.
And make it snappy.
I'm kidding.
I was just doing a thing.
Oh yeah.
Nah.
Okay, so I'm looking at him, and I never thought I'd say this to another man, but I was like, "dude, you gotta put on a bra.
" You know, either that or go up a button, 'cause it's so annoying.
Speaking of annoying, we had that guy, sounded like Gilbert Gottfried: You want me to sign this? Okay.
Should I have a lawyer present? The thing is, I don't trust you people.
That's the deal.
That was a good impression.
Yeah, that was a real treat.
All right, anyway, uh So the guy's staring at me- Who else do you do? Can you do Eartha Kitt? You guys like Adam Sandler? All right.
Here's some Adam Sandler for you: Hey, uh, you guys are very nice people.
I've had a great time, uh, on my first day.
I just don't know what I.
P.
S.
stands for.
I think it stands for Immature People Sitting around doing nothing.
Hee-hee-hee, hoo-hoo-hoo.
That is dead on, man.
Oh, thanks, buddy.
You're too kind.
Danke.
What's that? Lunch Thursday? I don't know.
I'm gonna have to check with my assistant.
Tell you what, why don't you have your assistant call my assistant? What's that? You don't have an assistant? Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
Hey, honey.
Remember last week, I made that delivery and that little dog bit my ankle? Doug, you are not gonna believe what happened to me at work today.
They gave me an assistant.
That's great.
Nobody deserves it more than you.
Now what's a funnier animal than a dog? What are you talking about? I need a great story to tell the guys tomorrow, so I need a funnier animal.
I don't know.
Just name an animal.
All right.
An eagle.
Okay.
Uh you wanna explain to me how an eagle's gonna bite my ankle? You know what, Doug? I don't have time for this.
Why don't you call my assistant and set up a meeting.
I got it.
Would it be okay if I told that story about when you got the ultrasound of your ovary? No, you cannot tell that story.
What are you, an idiot? Come on.
It looked like Shrek.
Okay.
I delivered the TRDs to the third floor, picked up the lease applications, and here's your fruit salad, no grapes.
Wow.
That was a productive 10 minutes.
So what should I do now? Damn it.
All right, here's something you can do.
Get me a pair of work boots so I can kick the crap out of this computer.
Anything I can help with? Oh, no.
These are budget breakdowns.
They're pretty complicated.
I've done those before.
Let me take a look.
Okay.
You know, you should do it in two columns.
It's much faster.
Oh.
Like that? No.
It's actually more like this.
Okay.
Then you just cut and paste, and hit control-k, which brings you to the bottom line, which gives you your total.
Huh.
And then you just drag and drop the tax rates and you're finished.
Oh.
You want me to do another one? Yeah.
Why don't you just go ahead and try a few more there.
All right.
I'm glad you're all gathered, 'cause you're about to hear the tale of a driver, a swollen ankle, and get this, an iguana.
Hey, Doug, you mind? Uh, show's about to start.
What show? Hoo-ah.
I hope you boys are ready for retired Colonel Frank Slade, reporting for duty.
Hoo-ah.
Hey, that's, uh, that's pretty funny.
How old is that movie? Was it, like, early '80s or something? You're overthinking, Heffernan.
Just enjoy it.
Hey, guys, guys.
Watch this.
All right.
Christopher Walken as an I.
P.
S.
driver.
Go.
All right.
Listen the address on your package is smudged.
Is that a two or a seven? I don't know.
It's a quandary that's perplexing me.
Come on.
Finally some real laughs around here.
Danny, can I- Ah.
What can I do you for? You know lunchtime is my time.
Why are you pushing the new guy? You wanna know why? Because the sign was covered with ivy.
So that's what this is about? Yeah, it is.
Yeah.
See, Tim doesn't take shots at me.
There are no victims in his comedy.
It just makes you feel good.
Hey, did I ever tell you Carrie's ovary looks like Shrek? That's your wife, man.
Why would you tell me something like that? 'Cause it's funny.
Hey, Carrie, we're heading out for happy hour.
You wanna come? Oh, thanks.
I'm pretty swamped here.
Oh, too bad.
It's dollar shooters at Tooty McGee's.
Maybe next time.
Okay.
Carrie, I could finish these if you wanna go.
Oh, I couldn't ask you to do that.
Could I? I'd be happy to.
Really? Okay, thanks.
Hold up, Lisa.
Hey, baby.
I got taquitos for dinner.
Is that okay? Taquitos give me gas So you gotta ask yourself one question.
Do you feel lucky, punk? Why are you calling me "punk"? I'm doing an impression of somebody.
Who? My dad? No.
My friends call me Clint.
Eastwood.
Clint Eastwood.
How do you not get that? I'm sorry, honey.
I'm sorry.
I had five shooters.
Excuse me, ma'am.
I'm sorry to bother you there, but, uh, you said you had, uh, five shooters, and there were six shooters at the crime scene.
That's all I'm saying.
Why are you talking like that? You mean, why am I talking exactly like Columbo? What are you doing? I don't know.
Why don't you ask Dee from What's Happening? Ooh, you in trouble, Raj.
I'm tellin' mama.
Now you're just creeping me out.
The thing is, Danny's new trainee.
He does all these impressions, and the guys love it.
I don't know.
It's just that I'm the funny guy at work.
Really? Yes.
Forget it, all right? I'm sorry I brought it up.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
No, I mean, you are funny.
That's one of the reasons why I fell in love with you, because you always make me laugh.
But not by doing lame impressions.
Just by being yourself.
Maybe- Maybe you're right.
So, Warren, how was your day? Well, today I delivered to a lumber yard.
Whoa.
That- That sounds pretty cool.
Yeah.
It was like going to a family reunion.
Get it? Because I'm made of wood.
Wood lumber yard.
What else is in the news? This is physically painful.
Okay.
Here are the budget breakdowns.
Ah.
Great job.
That's what I'm here for.
Yeah? Here are the budget breakdowns.
Great job.
That's what I'm here for.
You know, Carrie, you've always been a good assistant, but lately, the quality of your work has really skyrocketed.
It's like all of a sudden, you get it.
Yeah.
I feel like I get it.
Hey, Deac, tomorrow at lunchtime, round up the guys, 'cause the Amazing Flame-o is gonna be spittin' fire.
Doug- No, it's easy.
I just coat my mouth with lighter fluid, then it's like: That's entertainment.
All right, brother.
Sit down.
Why? Well, we need to talk.
Now, what's up with you, man? Just the new driver, Tim.
I mean, everyone knows I'm the funny guy around here, but then he comes in with his impressions, and he just steals my thunder.
It's messed up.
You know what I'm saying? You know, I- I'm pretty funny.
What? Well, you said you were the funny guy, but, you know, I get some laughs around here, too.
Maybe nervous ones.
You're like seven feet tall.
At least I didn't go out and buy myself a puppet.
I didn't buy it.
It's a rental, Lurch.
Hey, my boy Tim just radioed in.
He's on a record pace for Zone 6.
Yeah? Fast and funny.
Ha ha.
And you might want to be here when he gets back.
He's gonna do a medley of every Baldwin brother.
Cool.
Zone 6, Zone 6, come in, Zone 6.
Dispatch for Zone 6.
Yeah.
Go, dispatch.
Yeah.
Murphy, got a couple late night pick-ups for you.
Uh, first I'm gonna need you to go into Manhattan, Uh, 125 MacDougal Street.
Then you gotta come back out on the Triborough Bridge, and head on over to LaGuardia.
Okay.
What terminal? Air Jordan.
Uh, dispatch, that routing sounds a little off.
Oh, that routing sounds a little off? Does it sound a little off? Let me tell you something there, Murphy.
You've been working here a day.
I've been here for 27 years.
Okay.
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
That's all right, kid.
I know you're nervous.
Now, how familiar are you with New Jersey? So, Danny, where's your, uh, trainee? He'll be here.
Really? Well, it looks like Rich Little is Rich Little late.
It looks like his next impression is gonna be of a guy looking for a new job, right? Yi-e-yi.
Would you like paper or plastic? Yi-e-yi.
Hey, I ever tell you guys the story of a hot cup of coffee, a giant pothole, and a scar down south? Hey, guys, a call just came in about Tim.
He's, uh- He's what? He's lost, and he's calling his mommy to pick him up? Nah.
He's in the hospital.
Huh? What happened? He was somewhere in Jersey, and he got jumped.
Why the hell was he in Jersey? I don't know, but some guys pulled him out of his truck and beat him pretty severely.
Hey, Carrie.
Oh, morning, Miss Boone.
Um- I've got a project I'd like you to take a shot at.
It's normally something I'd handle, but you've proven you're up to the challenge.
What do you say? Uh, well Bring it on.
Great.
Okay.
Sorry I'm late, Carrie, but I-I-I just found out my boyfriend's been transferred to Denver.
Oh, you poor thing.
Would getting right to work take your mind off of it? No.
I- I'm going with him.
We're planning on getting married, so I'm sorry, but Friday's gonna have to be my last day.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Back it up.
Why? What's wrong? Do you even know this guy? I mean, where'd you guys meet? In ninth grade.
Ninth grade? Now, what is this, an arranged marriage by the village elders? You gotta play the field a little bit, you know? I don't wanna play the field.
You know, um, I didn't want to have to tell you this, but remember when you brought him here? He hit on me.
What? Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I just- I just don't want you to get hurt.
You know what doesn't hurt? A hard day's work.
You know, Carrie, I've got a lot of sick days saved up, so I think I'll use them and make today my last day.
Okay.
I'm gonna level with you, all right? Um, I've been given an incredible opportunity based on your talent and hard work.
So how about this? Stay, and I'll give you the big desk.
Huh? Bye, Carrie.
Okay, fine, go.
I think I can handle my work on my own, thank you.
No idea what I'm looking at here.
That's it.
They pull me out of my truck, I turn into Sam Kinison.
I'm sittin' there goin': You know, I don't think there's anywhere on this route where I was supposed to pick up a beating.
Oh.
Ohh.
You jerks.
Oh, man.
Half dead and he's still slaying us.
We love you, man.
What were you doing in Jersey, anyway? Dispatch sent me.
But I guess some guy was playing a joke on me, so Some joke.
What a jerk.
Can you believe that? Listen, we're gonna let you get some rest.
All right.
You're an inspiration.
Thanks for coming.
Feel better, brother.
Thank you.
Take care.
Thank you so much.
All right, I'll talk to him.
You're still going to hell, but give it a shot.
Hey, man, what have you- You got there, a sprain? No.
It's a shattered elbow and my ligaments are all torn up.
But, uh, they're gonna give me a year of physical therapy, and I'll get back to about 60 percent mobility.
Sixty? That's great.
Hey, when you hit 70, sell.
Um Look, Tim, this is all because of me.
What do you mean? It was me on the radio.
I- I sent you to those places.
That was you? Yeah, but I swear to you, I never meant for you to get hurt.
I was just trying to get you fired.
What did I do to you? Well, you were gettin' laughs at lunch.
So? So, it's just that I'm the funny guy at lunch.
Really? Yes.
Why is everybody fighting me on this? Anyway, it was a really stupid thing to do, and I'm so, so sorry.
I would totally understand if you reported me to Mr.
O'Boyle, and had me stuck on the night shift, but I think I know a cool guy when I see one.
Senor Doug.
Huh.
They finally cut the ivy off that sign.
Oh, great.