Desperate Housewives s07e05 Episode Script

Previously on Desperate Housewives.
Bree's affair with her contractor broke new ground.
Perhaps I could make you dinner? Like a date? I can't wait until I grow up so I can have beautiful things.
Gabby doted on her biological daughter, Grace.
Look who's missing her big sister.
Lynette had too much on her hands.
Get me a nanny.
Susan found that keeping her new job a secret My partners are not gonna eat the cost.
$9,000.
was going to be expensive.
But her secret had already been discovered.
Emma Graham was an ordinary woman.
And like most ordinary women, she had an extraordinary dream.
She wanted her husband to know she was more than just a wife.
She wanted her daughter to know she was more than just a mother.
She wanted her neighbors to know she was more than just the woman who lived next door.
So Emma made a decision to turn her dream into reality.
I want to do a cabaret show.
I'll need a band, orchestrations, and sound equipment.
And you're going to pay for all of it.
And that is how Emma Graham's friends and neighbors came to gather at the Smokehouse Lounge two weeks later.
They would soon learn Emma Graham wasn't so ordinary after all.
Yes, Emma's dream of sharing her talent had finally come true.
Unfortunately, the high note that ended the evening did not come from Emma.
I'm going to kill you! You whore! Get off me.
Okay, ladies, please.
Oh, my nose.
My nose.
My nose.
Oh! She knew what she was doing was wrong.
She knew it was very dangerous.
She knew the risks if people found out.
But Susan Delfino was determined to get back to Wisteria Lane and that is how her world began to fall apart.
Hi, I'm Tanya.
Thank you for choosing to spend time with me.
I'm all yours for the next hour.
Now how about we start by getting to know each other a little better? Show me yourjugs.
Aren't you a frisky little Ooh! I see some dirt under the coffee table.
Would you like me to vacuum? Sure.
Right after you take out those tots and shake 'em.
Okay.
Slow down.
We've got Fifty-nine more minutes together.
And isn't it sexier to warm each other up with some naughty talk first? I have to listen to my old lady's blah-blah-blah all day long.
Lose the top so I can see those money-makers.
What are you, reading from a boob thesaurus? Come on, isn't there some romantic fantasy you'd like to share with me? Okay.
Are you lactating? Oh! Pig! You never do that.
You never pull the plug on a session.
The guy was a total perv.
Who clearly had serious mother issues.
You cost us a major client.
And God forbid he starts talking about this at work.
We could lose the whole city council.
I'm sorry.
I lost my nerve.
Susan, I can't keep giving you chances like this.
Va-Va-Va-Broom.
Oh, you want a private session with Tanya? I'm sorry, that's not going to happen.
She doesn't work for me anymore.
Once again, I am so sorry.
I forgot that French restaurant was so formal.
Next time I will pick a place with fewer forks.
Yeah, thanks again for helping me out with that.
Well, I had a lot of fun.
Good night.
Keith, did you really have a lot of fun? Yeah.
Why do you ask? Well, because it's our third date and you just kissed me like you were saying good night to your aunt.
I'm trying to treat you like a lady.
Oh, that's sweet.
Now, knock it off.
Three times? In one night.
Oh, my God.
Three times was my entire September.
I just had the nicest chat with Grace.
She said the cutest thing Bree had sex three times last night.
Oh, screw my story.
Tell me everything.
Okay.
The sex was amazing.
It was like How to describe it? An opera.
You fell asleep during it? I'm telling you.
Making love to a man in his thirties, it's like the sun shines brighter, the grass looks greener, food tastes better Okay, we get it.
You had sex three times.
Three! Oh! Hey, look, Renee's back from New York.
Oh, God.
You invited her? What, now you don't like Renee? I know she's your friend, but isn't she kind of a self-absorbed, narcissistic diva? Good point.
We already have one of those.
Drop the drugstore champagne, ladies, and make way for the real stuff.
We are celebrating! What's the occasion? My divorce settlement.
I just soaked my ex for Well, a whole lot of these.
I thought there was a pre-nup.
Yup, there was.
But no pre-nup is a match for the legal team of Grind'em, Screw'em, and Rothenberg.
-That was iced tea.
-Well, I just made it fun.
Now, I want to have you all over for dinner tonight.
I've got two more cases of champagne, a truck-load of caviar, and a pile of money to roll around naked in.
What do you say? If there's more of this, I am definitely there.
Great.
How about you, Bree? I wish I could, but I have a date.
I need to carbo-load.
I've got to pass, too.
We still haven't found a nanny, and so Tom's working late, so I have to Yawn.
Susan? I would, but it's macaroni and coupon clipping night at my house.
Yawn and sad.
Well, I guess it's just you and me.
"Gabs and Nee.
" That is great.
We were just talking about how much you two have in common.
Weren't we, Gabs? Thanks so much.
Your baby's really cute.
It was nice meeting you.
We'll let you know.
Thanks.
Well, any luck finding a nanny? No.
I've interviewed eight girls, they were all either too inexperienced or too expensive.
Hmm.
What about the one with the boobs? And that's why we're not hiring her.
Well, don't give up yet.
Because I found us one more applicant.
You did? You took the initiative? Why you so surprised? Our Christmas lights are still up from last year.
And not only is she punctual, she's early.
Who is it? Let me put it this way, Lynette.
Remember how you always used to hate yams? But then you gave them a second chance, and they weren't so bad.
And over time you realized, "I like yams.
Yams are great.
" Well, sometimes, Lynette, people are like yams.
What did you do? Are you insane? I was talking to her last night, I mentioned we might need help and she volunteered.
You get it.
Tommy! Mom! Why couldn't she have been a yam? Okay.
So this Tina, was that the first time he cheated on you? Ah, I don't know.
You hear stories There was this thing during the All-Star game.
Pictures of Doug in the tabloids with a cocktail waitress.
But then he came back with a Bulgari bracelet, so we never talked about it.
God, being married to a pro athlete.
It must be a nightmare.
Well, sounds like you're well rid of him.
You know, I feel like you get me, Gabby.
And you know why? Because we're both extremely beautiful.
God bless you for having the courage to say that.
Only someone who looks like us can understand what a burden it can be.
Actually, it's pretty awesome.
You know, sometimes I drive fast on purpose just to see if I can flirt my way out of the ticket.
Amateur hour.
I got a bank manager to shave a point off our mortgage by bending over to pick up a pencil.
To this day Carlos calls it my million-dollar ass.
Wait, I can top that.
Yesterday, these babies earned me a cool $8 million.
What do you mean? Well, I wore a low-cut dress to my settlement hearing.
And afterwards, Doug's lawyer came to my hotel to renegotiate.
You slept with him? You're awful.
I know.
Oh, I shouldn't have told you that.
Keep it to yourself.
Honey, I won't tell anyone.
Um.
I don't know you well enough.
You've got to give me some dirt on you.
Huh.
I can't think of anything.
Really? Nothing like, say, plastic surgery? What? Honey, a scalpel has never touched this body.
Maybe not the body, but that nose is a Dr.
Brotski.
I'd know his work anywhere.
How dare you! I am insulted! Okay, fine.
I was 19.
It was just a little bump.
That's what they all say.
Did you have a deviated septum, too? Don't tell anyone.
Carlos knows, but if the girls find out, I'd never hear the end of it.
Of course, you can trust me.
I'm beautiful.
That's true.
Good morning.
Good morning, sweetheart.
Still not speaking to you.
All right.
Your breakfast will be ready in a minute.
You want coffee.
I'll get it.
Your scrambled eggs are ready.
Oh, Mom, I was hoping for your French toast.
She made you eggs, Tom.
Eat them.
No, it's no problem.
You read your paper and I'll fix it right up, Rodney.
Tommy, Mom.
Oh, didn't I say that? Oh, it's just that you look so much like your father.
Oh, gosh.
What now? Let me get her, it's what I'm here for.
Would you look at that? My mother is on top of it.
And you get to sit and have coffee with the man that you kicked three times "in your sleep" last night.
Look, I can take your mother in small doses, but her living here, every day I never got what this thing is you have with her.
You say you love her, she's great with the kids.
What's your beef? Okay.
You really want to know what it is? -Yeah.
-Okay.
I can't stand the person she turns you into.
You become this Neanderthal while she's tripping over her apron strings to serve you.
So she likes to dote on me and I don't mind the attention, what's the big deal? False alarm.
She's fine.
Thank you.
And by the way -More coffee.
-Yes.
Right away.
Just know if you ever hold your coffee cup up to me, you will be tapping it with a stump.
Mike! I was going to call you.
I was talking to Paul Young.
He and the new missus are really enjoying the house.
-Are they? -Yeah.
And Paul was wondering if you would be interested in selling the place.
He's willing to make a very generous offer.
Lee, I never kicked your ass for renting our house to that guy 'cause you didn't know our history.
But now you do.
So I've got to wonder, are you an idiot? I'm sorry.
Paul wanted me to ask.
Susan and I are working really hard to save money.
You tell Paul that the day his lease is up, we're moving home.
Hello.
Hey, it's me.
I just ran into Mike.
Did you ask him about the house? Yeah.
He wasn't interested.
Did you tell him I'm willing to pay above market value? I could have, but I didn't want to get punched.
You disappoint me, Lee.
There are other houses, Paul.
No, I need this one.
Fortunately, I have another way to handle this.
Your deposit should clear Monday.
And this will be your balance.
Wait, this isn't right.
We should have a lot more money in here.
Yes, the silver bracelet that you cleaned last year that belonged to my grandmother.
What do you think it's worth? Okay.
Yeah, I'll come by tomorrow.
Hey.
-Hey.
-Hi.
Here's that gold necklace you lent me.
What do you need it for? You guys going on a fancy date? No, I just I just needed it back.
You okay? Uh-huh.
You want to talk about something? I can't.
Oh! Oh! Um, I'm gonna find you a tissue.
Susan, I was just at the bank.
We're missing $9,000 from our checking account.
You went to the bank? What the hell is going on? Did you take that money out? Yes Susan? Susan, what happened to that money? She lent it to me.
We had some bills from Paige's birth that weren't covered by insurance, and Susan very kindly offered to help us out.
That's right.
And she's going to pay it back by By Friday.
With interest.
Or not.
Because I mean, we're friends.
So, why would you charge us interest? I gotta get back to work.
In case any of our other friends need money.
Thank you so much.
You're so welcome.
Anything you want to tell me? Yeah.
But promise you won't yell.
You did porn on the Internet? No, it was just cleaning.
In lingerie.
I was never naked.
There was no sex.
Well, unless the guys were watching for cleaning tips, it's porn.
Susan, how could you do this? Look, I feel bad enough already.
Well, you should.
What if Mike finds out? Or your kids? Hey! It is really easy for you to come down here from your five-bedroom house in the suburbs and criticize me.
I am not on Wisteria Lane anymore.
Look at what Mike and I are trying to climb out of.
We can't even afford hot lunches for MJ at school.
So just think about that the next time you want to judge me.
Okay.
Done judging.
Back to being a friend.
I'm sorry you had to do that.
Me, too.
Doug, what are you doing here? I had to see you.
Well, I'd invite you in, but it's late and I hate you.
Baby, I flew all this way.
At least hear me out.
If it's about the settlement, you're wasting your breath.
I miss you.
Well, how does Tina feel about that? That was a stupid mistake, and it's over.
I know I screwed up.
Big this time.
But give me another chance.
I'm sorry, Doug, but I'm actually happy here.
I'm getting a fresh start and making new friends.
Come on, you can't be happy here in Mayberry.
You were made for Manhattan.
By the way, Cartier called.
They miss you, too.
Oh, Doug, don't do this to me.
Think about everything we had together.
I want it back.
Don't you? Oh, I can't stop thinking about that play.
What do you think the angel represented when he flew down in the middle of the night? I don't know.
I was too busy looking for the wires.
So, are you in the mood for some dessert? Totally.
I think the angel symbolized hope.
Or a second chance at redemption, perhaps.
Of course, another interpretation, I suppose, could be Oh, my! When you said dessert, I just assumed Well, there's no two ways to interpret that.
That was incredible.
Where did you learn to do that? And why the hell am I asking? Don't tell me.
Let's just say you inspire me.
Oh! Well, that'll teach me to let you walk behind me up the stairs.
What is that? I guess inspiration struck again.
Hi.
Please tell me you're here to stab me.
What? Nothing.
Come on in.
What's that? Crudités.
Aren't they supposed to be sliced and peeled? I'm too tired.
Please get that away from me.
I guess someone was with Keith last night.
Were you once, twice, three times not a lady? It's not funny.
Six hours, we had sex.
I feel like the Holland Tunnel.
Honey, why don't you just tell him you need a little break? Because he's young.
If I turn down a roll in the hay, he's gonna think I'm an old woman.
You just said "roll in the hay.
" I think that ship has sailed.
Oh, I better figure out how to slow him down before this John Wayne walk becomes permanent.
Coming.
-Hi.
- Hey.
Come on in.
Hey, girls.
-Hey.
-Hey.
You are just in time.
I mixed up a signature drink in honor of your divorce.
I wouldn't pour that just yet.
I'm starting to rethink this whole divorce thing.
Doug showed up last night.
He flew in from New York? I know.
He said it's over with Tina.
He wants me back.
And he gave me this.
Oh, Doug screws up a lot, but his apologies are always the Fourth of July.
Wow.
Tom's apologies are more like Arbor Day.
But he cheated on you.
Okay.
A guy who has women throwing themselves at him in every city? Meanwhile, we had 10 great years.
And he loved me and cared for me and I think I should give him another chance.
Am I crazy? Well, you have invested 10 years in the marriage.
No one goes that long without a few bumps in the road.
Okay then, I'm doing it.
Are you insane? The man dumped you for another woman! Well, he apologized.
Can't I forgive him? Why? Because he gave you a stupid ring? He's buying you off again.
Open your eyes.
Hey.
It's my marriage anyway.
Why don't you just keep your fake nose out of it? What does she mean "fake"? Gabrielle Solis, did you have a nose job? Hello? We're talking about Trampy McTrinket! After all these years of you bragging about your natural beauty Oh, I never bragged.
You once called your face, "Proof of God's existence.
" You said I was a fraud for wearing a padded swimsuit.
And now we find out you've had plastic surgery.
-Ooh! That changes everything.
-Mmm-hmm.
No, it doesn't.
It wasn't plastic surgery.
It was corrective rhinoplasty for a deviated You will regret this.
Oh, Gabby, come on, we're kidding.
Don't get your nose out of joint.
Bree Van De Kamp had a problem.
Her boyfriend's sexual appetite was proving to be exhausting.
And then out of the blue, Bree came up with a solution.
Since Keith's demands were overwhelming her, why not make some overwhelming demands of her own? Wow.
There's a lot of work here.
I guess I could get it done by Friday.
No, I'm going to need it sooner than that.
Certainly by tonight.
Hey.
Allison made you your favorite cookies for your trip.
Macaroons? Oatmeal raisin.
Those are my dad's favorites.
Maybe you can trade them with the boy next to you on the plane for his snack.
Make fun, but you have to admit, she's been great with the baby.
She has been great.
You were right, I was wrong.
Oh, if only these were macaroons, this would be the best day of my life.
Call me when you land.
See you later.
So, can I help with the lasagna? Actually, the boys said they wanted meatloaf.
So I switched the menu.
Now sit.
All right.
So, Tom was telling me about you going back to work.
I must say, I don't understand that.
Well, that's okay.
Oh! What are you doing? I'm out of milk.
Your grandmother is not here to serve you.
I don't mind, dear.
See? She wants to.
Soda, Gram? Make it two.
Boys! Penny, I have to get the meat, so you get the sodas.
Uh, why? Why? We have to take care of our men.
Penny, sit.
You boys want a drink, get up and get it.
They have such a long day.
Classes and then their afterschool sports.
Allison, in this house, the women don't wait on the men.
The men get off their asses and help themselves.
When did it become a sin to take care of your family? You modern women, you just plop out a baby and then you can't wait to get back to your silly careers.
I took care of my boys.
When my husband came home, there was a hot meal waiting for him on the table.
He never wanted for anything.
Yeah and how did that work out for you? He had an affair and left.
Damn it.
I didn't realize you were still here.
Have you been working this whole time? You said to get it all done today.
So if there is nothing else, I would like to go home and slip into a coma.
Why don't you spend the night here? I'd hate to see you out there driving when you're so exhausted.
You are exhausted, right? Totally.
Every part of my body hurts.
Then stay.
Sleep here.
In the morning, I will make you Belgian waffles.
That will be my special thank you for all of your hard work.
Uh.
What are you doing? I thought of another way you could thank me.
You said every part of your body was sore.
One part's doing okay.
Okay.
-That's it.
-What's wrong? I can't do it.
I can no longer keep up with you and your Woody Woodpecker sex drive! What? I'm just gonna say it, okay? I'm older than you.
I don't have your stamina and I can't keep up.
You? You can't keep up? I'm dating a woman who talks to waiters in French and wants to discuss a play's symbolism during halftime.
Intermission.
You see? You're 10 times smarter than me.
That's why I keep sexing you up.
I'm trying to keep you interested.
Make no mistake, I am interested.
I love when I'm prattling on about the meaning of the angel, you notice the wires.
You have your own way of seeing the world, and it's fun, and down to earth, and everything I'm not.
So you're saying you like me how I am? Wow.
I hadn't thought of that.
Yes.
Very much.
Now put that thing away and let's get some rest.
Hi.
Who are you? Oh, I'm Jenny.
I'm the new nanny.
Yeah.
Isn't it great? I offered her a little more money and she took the job.
She's the one with the boobs, remember? Yeah.
You're welcome.
Lynette, can I talk to you upstairs for a minute? Okay.
I'll be right up.
Oh.
Okay.
So, great news about Jen, huh? Yeah.
I just fired her.
What? You have no right to do that.
And you had no right to make my mother feel unwelcomed in my house.
She just wanted to be a part of this family.
Tom, I love your mother and if this were 1955, I would be so on board with her parenting techniques.
But I will not let her raise our children to turn out like Whoa.
Finish that sentence.
Turn out like me? No, no, I didn't say that.
But wait, let's be honest.
When we first met, you thought there were only two roles for women, making a cake or jumping out of one.
I'm sorry.
I just don't want her here.
For our entire marriage, you've been the one who makes the decisions.
"I'm going back to work," "I'm hiring a nanny.
" This time I'm making the decision.
She stays.
Okay, boys and girls, gather up your supplies and put them away.
See you tomorrow.
Maxine, I can't talk now.
I'm at work.
Look, I know I fired you.
But if you like, I'm willing to offer you another chance.
Why? This guy keeps calling.
He really wants a private session with you.
And he's starting to offer some serious money.
Come on, what do you say? How serious are we talking? Thank you so much for coming.
I cannot tell you what it means to me.
Yeah, yeah.
Are you gonna be singing any songs about a woman who's a back-stabbing bitch? We are really looking forward to it, Emma.
Good luck.
Thanks.
Would you get over it already? Why don't we go sit down with our friends? No.
I'm sick of Lynette making those Cyrano de Bergerac jokes, whoever she was.
He.
And, baby, they are just teasing you.
It's not funny.
My thing was my natural beauty.
Like Susan's an artist, Lynette's a great businesswoman, Bree's the perfect homemaker.
I was the beautiful one.
Now I'm just the plastic one.
And there's the woman who's to blame.
Man, I would love to smack that smile right off her face, which, by the way, has been pulled so tight it'd probably smack me back.
I forgot what it's like walking into a room on your arm.
I like it.
Baby, I think you are the one they were staring at.
Well, this doesn't hurt.
Hey, Gabby.
I didn't nose you'd be here.
Okay, I don't know what you heard, but it's all crap.
Don't lie.
That'll make it grow again.
Tell Doug Perry it's on the house.
I'll do it.
It's on the house.
Oh, by the way, she slept with your lawyer.
Enjoy the show.
Is that true? Well, the thing about that is Ladies and gentlemen, the Smokehouse Lounge is proud to present Emma Graham.
Whoo! Emma! A word.
Hey, hey, hey, get the claws off the Versace! Why the hell would you tell him that? Well, you know me and my big nose.
This is my marriage we're talking about.
This trumps your stupid nose! Whatever, they're both fake.
What do you know? You're nothing but a boring housewife Shut up! whose life is so pathetic you gotta crap all over mine.
I'm pathetic? Hey, what do you call a girl who sleeps with a guy for $8 million? Get off! I'm going to kill you! You whore! Get off me.
Okay, ladies, please.
I will never forgive you for this.
Sure you will! I'll just buy you a sapphire ring! You like my ring? Get ready to smell it! Oh, my nose.
My nose.
My nose.
Oh! Didn't think I'd hear from you again.
Look, I've been thinking about everything that's happened.
You slept with someone, I slept with someone.
Maybe we should just call it even.
-Really? -Yeah.
I mean, that's what we both want, right? Thank you, dear.
I am so sorry for saying those things about your husband.
I appreciate that.
And I'm sorry if I crossed some sort of line.
No.
It just felt so nice to feel useful again.
You are useful, and I really need you here, especially when I go back to work.
You know, the kitchen is my favorite room in the house.
The family sits together here.
You get to cook for them and make them happy.
And I just don't understand why you would ever wanna give all that up to go out there.
It's just who I am.
Mom, the baby's crying.
Oh! She's probably hungry.
Ooh! Yummy.
I'm so sorry, what's your name again? I'm Penny.
And do you live here? Hi.
Hi.
I'm not really used to apologizing.
But here are some chocolates.
I haven't touched a carb since 1985, but thank you.
Believe it or not, I was actually on my way over to apologize to you.
I don't know what came over me.
Look, I still feel you deserve better than that guy, but I had no right to screw with your marriage.
It's your life.
Doug called this morning.
He said he still wants me back.
Oh.
Wow.
And I said no.
Seriously? He said we could pretend it never happened.
And I thought of all the things I pretended never happened over the years.
You were right, Gabby.
I needed to open my eyes.
Okay, before I take credit for this, are you sure this is what you want? Yes.
And thank you.
Out of all the women, you were the only one who had the guts to tell me the truth.
You're a real friend.
And I'll take that over a sapphire ring any day.
Oh! You're keeping the ring, right? Oh, hell, yeah.
Hello? Is anyone there? Oh! Hi.
Are you shy, too? Well, that's okay.
So am I.
Why don't you start with just telling me your name? I think you know my name.
Oh! Oh! Oh! I'm still here, Susan.
I'm glad you put your robe on.
I hate to see you debasing yourself.
What do you want? I'd like your house.
And I'm willing to pay a very fair price for it.
Yeah, Mike told me about that.
It's not for sale.
Susan, it seems to me a lot of things are for sale.
Your body, your honor, your reputation.
The house would seem to be the smallest of those things.
Are you threatening me? I'm simply saying it would be terribly unfortunate if anyone were to find out what I already know.
I mean, I was shocked.
I can only imagine what your husband and son would think.
You son of a bitch.
It's a lot to take in, I know.
Why don't you take a couple of days to think about it? I'd hate for you to feel that I was pressuring you.
He knew what he was doing was wrong.
He knew it was very dangerous.
He knew the risks if people found out.
But Paul Young wanted to punish those who had betrayed him.
So he had a plan that would set neighbor against neighbor.
And friend against friend.
And it was a plan that was going to succeed.