Family Guy s07e05 Episode Script

We now return to Jackass.
Hello.
My name's Johnny Knoxville and I'm gonna take a shotgun blast to the face.
Okay, ready? God.
These guys are hilarious.
They do so much funny stuff.
Hey, you know what? We should try some of that stuff here at home.
I don't know.
That skull-and-crossbones warning before the show was pretty clear about not doing that.
Cleveland, shut up.
I saw something on TV that I wanna imitate.
Peter, what are you? What are you boys doing up there? Get off the roof.
Go back in the house, Lois.
We're being Jackass.
Ready? We're rolling.
I'm Peter Griffin, and this is Shopping-Cart Roof Roof-Shopping-Cart Guys.
Okay, go.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
- My God.
- Oh, my God.
Are you okay? I don't know.
I don't know.
What does it look like? What do I do? What do? Aah.
What is that? What is that? I feel something.
It's your spine, dude.
It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches.
I'm scared.
I'm scared.
I'm scared.
I'm scare - Aah! Oh, God! - Does this get fixed with ice or heat? Ice now, heat later.
I'm Glenn Quagmire, and this is Bee Bush.
All right, what'd you do to yourself, Quagmire? Well, I just covered my entire private area with honey.
Now we're just waiting for the bees.
Heh.
- Giggity.
- All right, here they come.
Heh.
Okay.
Okay, they're on there.
Let's just Just Nobody move.
All right? Nobody do nothing.
Just Don't wanna make them mad.
Ha-ha-ha.
- Stop it.
Stop it.
Knock it off.
We wouldn't want the bees to get mad.
I hate you, bees.
- I hate you, bees.
- Oh, stop it.
- I hate you, bees.
- Knock it off.
I'm serious.
Stop.
- I hate you, bees.
- Stop.
That's enough.
Just get them off.
Put them back in the hive.
Yeah, enough is enough.
Cleveland, open the hive.
All right, Quagmire, bring them over here.
Oh, my.
Aah! What the fuck? Why would you do that? Hey, you guys, Lois says it's time for dinner.
Peter, this is not safe at all.
- Shut up, Brian.
Just keep filming.
I'm Peter Griffin, and I am the Greatest American Hero.
My special power is being somehow memorable after a very short run on TV.
- Get some, Peter! - Nice job on that ramp, Joe.
- Lf there's one thing I know, it's ramps.
- Wait, guys, I think he's really hurt.
Help! Help! I think my arm is broken! Ow! My back.
I can't move.
I thought I was gonna die.
Aah! Yeah.
Yeah, that's good.
You know, I'd expect this kind of behavior from you but you have no business endangering Brian like that.
- Thank you.
- He jumped into that lake to try and save your life, and he's 8 years old, Peter.
- Eight.
That's 56 in human years.
- Okay, Lois.
I mean, why do you think he almost drowned? He's old, Peter.
Plus, he drinks and he smokes all the time.
So take that 56 and make it 79, at least.
Why are you making such a big deal out of this? I was just tired.
That's how it begins.
Then the next thing you know I'm making Peter dig a hole, and you're in a pillowcase.
You're out of your mind.
Brian's young, and I'm gonna prove it to you.
Hey, youthful guy.
How is your "bur-usiness" on this aggressively redonkulous morning? What are you talking about, Peter? Don't you mean, "'Tis-alking' about, P.
Dudey?" You don't have to be formal with me.
I know how you young people talk.
Peter, I'm not old, but I'm not that young either.
We should sip Bacardi like it's your birthday.
What does that mean? It means that this damn thing doesn't work at all.
- Peter, what are you doing? - Lf movies have taught me anything it's that young people are constantly being antagonized by preppy '80s bullies.
- What? - What are you gonna do about it? - Peter, this doesn't make sense.
- You know what doesn't make sense? Some new-kid jerk moving into my town and being worse than me at karate.
- Peter, you don't know karate.
- Stay away from Muffy.
She's my girlfriend.
She just doesn't know it yet.
Excuse me, I gotta go get yelled at by my father because we're more alike than we know.
- Peter, did you have fun with Brian? - No, Lois, he was a wet blanket.
And I'm starting to think you might be right.
Brian's getting old.
He's not the dog he used to be, and I'll have to get used to it.
Just like I got used to my acrylic nails.
Stanion, Winestock and Riesman.
Hey, LaRonda.
No, I got four people on hold, but I can talk.
Good morning, everybody.
Brian, I have something to say.
I'm sorry I've been so preoccupied with your age.
Well, look, Peter, don't worry.
Let's just forget about it.
Fantastic.
And to help us forget about it, family I'd like to introduce New Brian.
Hey, gang.
Whose leg do you have to hump to get a hug around here? Oh, I like him.
- You got a new dog? - Yes, sir.
- But I'm the dog.
- Well, now that you're getting older New Brian's here to take some of the load off.
- Can he do tricks? - Oh, you bet.
He's trained to fetch, roll over, and make you feel really good about yourself.
Wow, Meg and Chris.
I can't decide which one of your hats I like better.
I can't believe you got a new dog.
What about me? Hey, you're still my buddy.
New Brian is just a new friend for the family.
You guys are gonna get along better than Abraham Lincoln and his neighbor.
Hey, Dale, I noticed your lawn's getting a little high.
Yeah.
I used to have a guy for that, dick.
Okay, now, you have a good one.
My word, what a gorgeous way to wake up.
I hope you don't mind.
I checked the time your alarm was set for, and I shut it off.
I figured this might be a more gentle way to start the day.
Oh, that is so thoughtful, New Brian.
I'll start up again in nine minutes.
Hey, Meg.
I know how you like to let off steam once in a while.
- So I got you a journal.
- You got me a journal? Actually, I got you two of them: My right ear and my left ear.
Fire away.
Dear diary: Today, at the school library, I saw a picture in National Geographic of a woman with nipples that cover most of her breasts too.
- And suddenly, I didn't feel so alone.
- You know what it sounds like to me? Sounds like the woman in that picture was pretty beautiful.
All right, I'll see you at dinner.
- Think fast.
- Wow, deodorant.
- Are you sure I'm old enough? - Oh, I think so.
I'm gonna make you a little less gross every day.
- Hey, New Brian.
Oh, you have a guitar.
- Yep.
In fact, I wrote a new song today, and I wanna hear what you think of it.
Where did you find the time for that? Peter, inspiration doesn't have a schedule.
I don't like fancy learning books I don't like apple tarts I don't like cozy breakfast nooks I don't like modern arts Well, I like farts Ah! Yes, I like farts I like long farts, short farts Wet farts, your farts I like farts - If you've got heart - Oh, I've got heart - Let's hear those farts - How do I start? Well, Peter I will help you get your farting started Brian, I went out for a run this morning, and I found this stick.
- I thought you might like it.
- Wow, thanks a lot.
And I got you this bag of weed.
I don't smoke it myself, but I sure won't judge you.
- Gosh, thanks.
- Check you later, handsome guy.
Well, I wasn't sure about this new-dog thing at first but I gotta tell you, he's a really terrific guy.
You poor damn fool.
- What? - You have no idea what's going on here.
He's not just a delightful new friend for the family.
- He's your replacement.
- Oh, come on, that's ridiculous.
You're getting old, and they know it.
You're no longer the cover girl.
Look at Carol Alt.
That's what You're Carol Alt.
- I'm through listening to you.
- Fine.
Think what you want, aging supermodel Carol Alt.
Carol, come in here.
They're saying your name on the Family Man.
What? Huh? - What? - Huh? - What? I forget.
And besides, Brian, the evidence is all right in front of your nose.
Ha-ha-ha.
That's hilarious, New Brian.
Now do your impression of Punky Brewster's father.
Punky.
- Oh, Punky.
- Ha-ha-ha! Oh, Punky, you have a dog named Brandon.
"Hi.
I'm Carol Alt for PoliGrip.
" They did it again.
Who? - The Family Man.
Is that the one with the fish? - No, that's American Boy!.
Okay.
Relax, Brian.
There's no way they'd replace you.
But it couldn't hurt to remind them how much they value you as a family member.
- Hey, buddy.
- Uh - Hey.
- I just wanted to check in with you.
You know, sometimes life happens so fast we miss the most important part, which is sharing it.
- Uh-huh.
- You see, Chris, I care about you.
And if there's ever anything you ever wanna talk about or if you just want some company, I'm here for you.
- So how's it hanging? - Uh - Okay.
- Hey, what do you got here? Oh, Maxim.
That Jessica Biel sure is a cutie.
You were masturbating when I came in.
Yeah.
- So how's it hang? - Get out! Gotcha.
Okay, everybody, tonight, I've got a real treat for you.
We've all seen your compilation video, Brian: Shatner singing "Rocket Man," drunk Orson Welles doing that commercial Sylvester Stallone in that porno, and Bill Cosby beating up that midget.
- I don't remember that last one.
- It's freaking brutal.
For no reason, you know? Poor guy's sitting there eating his Snack Pack.
Bill Cosby runs in out of nowhere and starts wailing on him.
Didn't that guy die? These are home movies from when I was a puppy.
- He died.
- Okay, look, just watch.
Aww Oh, look at him sleep.
Oh, I wonder what he's dreaming about.
Shut up, Meg.
Oh, did you hear that? - He farted.
- Just like in the song.
Aah! What the hell is the matter with you? Outside.
Outside now.
Well, I hate to say I told you so, but Wait a minute, I love saying I told you so.
Ha.
Doy.
Ha.
" Hey, Stewie Griffin, meet Stewie Griffin.
" Ha.
"Nice to meet you.
" "Charmed, I'm sure.
" "Great outfit.
" "Oh, go on.
" "No, it is.
" So what if there's a new dog? Lots of families have two dogs.
I thought maybe we could spend the afternoon together.
- Really? That'd be great.
- Awesome.
- Because, uh, I got this new gun.
- Here we go.
I thought we could go deep in the woods where no one would ever think to look.
Oh, boy.
- And, uh, just shoot it.
- Awkward.
You know, like so far in that no one can hear gunfire.
- A little on the nose.
- Or screaming.
Uh I don't think so, Peter.
It's like he thinks I'm gonna shoot him.
He's acting all crazy, like Quagmire when he drunk-dials me.
- Hello? Hey.
What are you doing? - Quagmire, I'm sleeping.
- Yeah, I was just out with Joe.
- What are you doing? - I just told you.
Oh, that's right.
I just asked that.
I forgot.
Hey.
Hey, this song made me think of you.
So li Wait.
Listen to this song.
Isn't that awesome? You said you weren't gonna call him.
It's not him, you big bully.
Joe told me not to call you.
So, what are you doing? Everyone, I have an announcement to make.
- I've decided I'm leaving.
- What? Leaving? Brian, why? Well, you know, I feel like I've sort of run my course here.
And, you know, besides, there's a whole big world out there and it's time I saw it.
But, Brian, you live here.
This is your home.
I know, but I've thought about this long and hard, and Ha-ha-ha.
"Long and hard.
" I'm sorry, Brian.
Please, please, continue.
- This is just something I have to do.
- Well, where will you go? Well, I haven't decided that yet, but I promise I'll be in touch.
- Ha-ha-ha.
- Wait, how is that one dirty? It's I was remembering "long and hard.
" Well, if your mind is made up about this, Brian, then I wish you the best of luck.
I hope this move won't be a boner for you.
- Peter? - Hmm? - What? - I was just saying to Brian: - "I hope this move won't be a boner.
" - I would agree.
- I hope he finds what he's looking for.
- Okay.
Well, we're gonna miss you, Brian.
Hey, everybody, let's watch this tape.
Okay.
There's the midget just sitting there.
Watch the left side of the screen.
I'm in a bad mood, and I'm gonna take it out on you.
Oh, my God.
Well, he's obviously drunk.
Ow! Ow! You're hurting me.
About which I do not care very much.
- Pancake? - Oh, just a small one, thanks.
Mm.
My God, these are the best pancakes I've ever had.
And I've been to IHOP.
These are the best pancakes I've ever had.
And I've been to Applebee's.
These are the best pancakes I've ever had.
And I've been to Denny's.
These pancakes are okay.
Oh, boy.
I bet Brian would love these pancakes.
- I wonder where he is.
- He's next door with Cleveland.
I saw him on my morning paper route.
I appreciate you letting me stay with you but I'm perfectly capable of going to the bathroom by myself.
Sorry, but there's a leash law in this neighborhood and you never know who's watching.
I'm watching you make stool.
Hey, New Brian.
Oh, I see you're having pie.
You know, pie isn't really pie without Cool Whip.
Everything's better with Cool Whip.
- Did you hear what I said? - What about it? It doesn't bother you the way I pronounce it? "Cool Whip"? - No.
Why would it? - Cool Whip.
- I'm putting emphasis on the H.
- Sounds right to me.
- Nothing ever bothers you, does it? - No, not really.
I like everything.
God, he's a bigger buzz kill than Buzz Killington.
Stewie, do you know why W.
S.
Gilbert was frequently drunk on his transatlantic crossings? No.
Because he was quartered on the portside.
Now that I've got you let's both revisit the birth of the D'Oyly Carte Opera Company.
Two, three.
- Okay, New Brian, you're next.
- Ha-ha-ha.
Oh, no.
Oh, boy.
All right.
Well, I can't do this alone.
Lois, I'm gonna need your help here.
Oh, my God.
Uh-oh.
Okay.
Rita Coolidge's less-talented sister here.
In what way is that a joke? - Okay.
You start.
- Okay.
All right.
I don't know Am I blue or am I red? - You're blue.
You're blue.
- This is crazy.
Okay, I'll do it, then.
Thanks for letting me stay here.
- I hope I'm not in the way.
- No, no.
Should be fine.
Um But, uh, listen, Brian I'm gonna be bringing a Puerto Rican girl over here later and she's super hot and real nice.
But when she was 5 years old her dad ran over one of her legs with his van and it's still kind of messed up in a pretty obvious, instantly visible way.
Um Please don't say anything.
And try to make eye contact with her when she wobbles in because I want this to work.
- Uh Yeah, sure.
No problem.
I'm serious, Brian, that leg is a train wreck.
I mean, she herself is so pretty but that thing just looks like a string of sausages with one empty casing in it.
- I get it.
- It's quite a sight, you know? When she's not looking, you should take a look at it, but be discreet.
Yeah, I'll, uh I'll check that out.
- Stewie, what are you doing here? - Brian, you gotta come back.
- Why? - Because New Brian is such a tool.
I mean, he's so damn sweet and saccharine and perfect and he's turning the family into a bunch of douches.
Well, big deal.
You always told me I was a douche.
Yeah.
But you were my douche, Brian.
My douche.
Come back and be my douche again.
- Hi.
I'm looking for Glenn.
- Oh, what happened to your leg?! Damn it, Brian.
Come back home, Brian.
When this is all over, I'll make you some pie with a nice dollop of Cool Whip.
There it is again.
Why are you putting so much emphasis on the H? That's exactly why I miss you, Brian.
Forget it.
I'm not going back as long as that new dog is there.
As long as he's a part of that family, there's no place for me.
Well, I can't say I blame you.
I hate him as much as you do, Brian.
He's a bad fit.
Like a crocodile at an alligator rally.
Yeah, lurking in the water with our eyes poking out.
Yeah.
Sneaking up on a crane or an egret and snapping our jaws on it.
Yeah.
And sometimes walking out onto a dry plain or dusty field because it's nice to get out of the swamp now and then.
- Yeah - Wait.
- What? - What? Huh? Dry plain? Dusty field? Nice to get out of the swamp? What a croc.
And that's where we get the term.
Hey, New Brian.
Bad news.
You gotta leave.
Huh? What are you talking about? This is my home.
Nobody likes you here.
Well, I disagree.
I think everybody likes me.
No, we don't.
We don't like your cooking, your stupid karaoke nights and we especially don't like the way you hump that chair in the den.
Well, Rupert seems to like my humping.
- What did you say? - Rupert.
Humped him for two hours yesterday.
He just laid there and took it.
- Did he? - Yeah.
And now every time you're sleeping with him, he's gonna be thinking of me.
"And that is why I killed myself, chopped myself up and put myself in the garbage.
" - Wow, he must've had some demons.
- Oh, my God.
Suicide? How could we have misjudged him so severely? Oftentimes it's the ones who seem the happiest.
Well, the upside is, at least we have our old Brian back.
From now on, buddy, you're the only animal I care about.
Hey, everybody.
I'm Bernie the Hamster.
- Would you like to be my friend? - Oh, my G It's okay, Peter.
Yay! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
It's a hamster.
We'll talk about it when you want to talk about it.
I don't blame you.
I I don't blame you.