Home Improvement s07e05 Episode Script

- Does everybody know what time it is? - Tool Time! That's right! Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Whoo! Hey.
Wow.
I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Welcome to Tool Time.
Of course, you all know my assistant, Al Borland.
Thank you.
This year we're kicking off Halloween week with a very special event: - Pumpkin racing.
- All right! That's right.
On this very ramp, Al and I will be racing our pumpkins in the first annual Tool Time Gourd-O-Rama.
- Well? We all ready? - I was born ready.
Interesting.
Let's compare our pumpkin-mobiles.
- Here you are, Tim.
- OK.
Well, mine first! - Whoo! - Thank you.
Well, I built my Borland beauty according to the rules set down by the Pumpkin-Racing Council of Manattan Beach, California.
It runs on independent axles and it is powered entirely by gravity.
And nobody knows more about gravity than Al.
Let's take a Let's take a look at this bad boy.
Yeah.
This is a graphite tube frame, independent suspension.
And under the hood, a two-cycle, ethanol-powered chain saw motor.
Excuse me, Tim, but according to the pumpkin-racing bylaws, section one, paragraph one, word one, "No engines allowed.
" Well, sure you can joke.
But for seven years you've been putting an engine in everything you can think of, and then you have an unfair advantage.
All right, tell you what.
How about I give you a head start? Great! Al? - Nice advantage.
- Gentlemen, start your pumpkins.
I win! Cool.
Yeah.
All right, I'll be there.
Bye.
Who was that? One guy on the team's having people over for Halloween.
- He wanted to tell me what to bring.
- I don't think that Mark has any plans on Halloween.
Could you take him along with you? Mom, I'm supposed to bring the chips, not the dip.
What about you and Lauren? You're going to a costume party.
Yeah.
We're going as the scariest people we could think of: Republicans.
Why don't you take Mark along? That's a little too scary.
- Hi, Randy.
- Hi, sweetie.
How are you? I heard that Al creamed you in the pumpkin race.
You know, that's the trouble with Halloween in this country.
There's too much emphasis on winning.
I'm worried about Mark spending Halloween alone in the house here.
Or worse, with that weird new friend of his, Ronny.
He's been moping around the house a lot lately.
When I was his age, I was always doing productive stuff.
Whether it was reading car magazines or That was really all that I ever did.
- Hey.
- Hey, Mark.
Oh, hi.
Hey, Ronny! Just back from glee club? - I need to borrow the video camera.
- What for? Well, Ronny and I are in a film class and we're making a movie.
- A movie? - Wait, wait.
Let me guess.
A fun-filled romp with some musical interlude numbers.
Fred Astaire and Ethel Mertz.
- It's a horror film.
- That sounds really cool.
- I was hoping the family'd be in it.
- Yeah, that sounds good.
Gosh! I haven't acted since high school.
'Course, that was just a couple of years ago.
That was a joke.
Good one.
Come on, Ronny.
Let's go work on the script.
Nice talking to you, Ronny.
Well, it was encouraging.
I mean, he's finally interested in something.
And it's gonna include the whole family.
It's good.
- Little problem.
- What? - My contract demands.
- Which would be? I don't work cheap.
I do not do nude scenes.
Unless it's integral to the plot.
- Ready? - Yeah.
Uh, wait.
Yeah.
OK, we're rolling.
Halloween film, take three.
And action! Hi, honey.
I'm home.
Hi, sweetie.
How was your day at the office, Jim? Peachy, Lil.
Say, I got the Dithers account.
Which means that washerldryer combo is all yours.
What a fella! Now we can be the family of tomorrow today.
Look, it's our two sons, Chad and Andy.
Hey, great news, Mom and Pop! As you know, I'm very athletic.
And today, as always, I scored the winning touchdown.
- Crackerjack, son! - That's wonderful! Have a cookie! - Thank you.
- And how was your day, Andy? Dandy! I've been accepted into Harvard and every other college in the western hemisphere.
That's wonderful! Have a cookie.
We certainly are blessed to have two such smart children.
No, Father.
It is we who are blessed.
- Because we have such great parents.
- Ah! - And cut.
- Ew.
Honey, are you sure you want it that exaggerated? It was perfect.
Come on, Ronny.
Let's go out in the backyard for the next scene.
I thought this was supposed to be a horror film.
- It's just one scene.
- Yeah.
For all we know, this may be a piece of cinema history.
Oh, it's a piece of something.
Come on.
We're doing this to help Mark out.
And you know what? Just for starting out, I think it's a pretty damn good movie.
Not surprising.
Your favorite film is Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein.
Hey, that movie was important! It was about relationships.
If this movie is bad, Mark is just gonna be devastated.
He's gonna go back to moping all the time.
Jill, you're jumping the gun.
This movie, it's bound to get better.
It could just be that it just starts out with the happy family.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Once you get to know and love us, we get terrorized by cannibals - Perfect! Yeah! who rip up our flesh - and eat us alive! - Yeah! A love story! I like it! Let me in! Let me in! Let me in! Your face is all smushed! You could drive a truck up that nostril! These things are great! Well, hidy-ho, Taylor-teers.
Whoa! Cool do, Wilson.
So aerodynamic.
Actually, I'm dressed as a mad scientist for my scene in Mark's movie.
You know, he's a very talented director.
- Do you really think so? - Uh-huh.
He was very clear.
He knew exactly what he wanted.
I think it's gonna be an excellent movie.
- What's the movie about? - I have no idea.
Neither do we.
I just hope it's good and he gets a positive response.
Yeah.
Then maybe he'll come out of his shell and feel more comfortable socially.
Well, the teen years are difficult, but we always manage to get through them.
You know, when I was Mark's age, my parents thought that I was an odd duck.
And look at me now.
- Well, I finished.
- What did you do to it? I modified it for my rematch with Al.
This is the only gourd in the city with an anti-sway bar on it.
I thought modifying was how you got in trouble in the first place.
I don't think so.
I think it's how Al built that track.
Come take a look at old Tool Times with me, and we'll look at that episode in slow motion.
This is a classic library, honey.
- "Repairing a Gas Heater.
" - Or how to blow up a house.
Yeah.
Oh, wow! "Veneering a Table.
" How to glue a board to your head.
"Suburban House of Horrors"? Where you burned down the garage or filled the basement with sewage? - This is Mark's movie.
- Ooh! - Where is he? - He's asleep.
Really? Too bad we promised him we wouldn't look at it.
We could make sure he's on the right track.
Get a better feel for our characters.
For better performances in future scenes.
- We made a promise.
- We always keep our promises.
- Do we? - Not always.
I didn't think so.
Hi, honey.
I'm home.
Hi, sweetie.
It's black and white.
I look good in black and white.
Unfortunately, I have to live with you in color.
Perfect parents.
The perfect sons.
The perfect family.
Except for the family member they ignore.
The outcast, the forgotten son, Clark.
But Clark's got a plan.
And when he's done, they'll be sorry.
Very sorry.
Who's Clark? Hello, Dr.
Wilsonstein.
I need a potion.
What is your pleasure, Clark? I need something that'll make my family look as weird as they think I am.
The Number Six.
Selling like hotcakes today.
You rang, Dr.
Wilsonstein? - Who's that? - That is my assistant, Algore.
He assists me.
Algore, I need four of my special face-distorting potions.
I see you sampled one yourself.
I don't think so, Doc.
I don't think I like where this is going.
Thanks to Dr.
Wilsonstein, I've turned my horrible family into zombies.
Now I have the whole house to myself.
- Oh, Clark? - Well, almost to myself.
- More root beer? - Don't mind if I do.
Let me in.
Let me in.
Let me in.
Clark, parents.
What are you gonna do about them, Clarkie? I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
It's time to say goodbye to them forever.
- Hey! - This is frightening.
It's twisted.
It's morbid.
This kid's great! I thought that Mark was behaving strangely.
This is worse than I imagined.
What are you talking about? He wanted to make a hideous movie.
He delivered big time.
This stuff is great! No.
This film is about a boy who thinks his parents favor his brothers, so he turns them into freaks and kills them.
- It's a great premise! - It's not a premise! - It's the way he feels about us! - Oh, stop that.
We don't favor Brad and Randy.
It's just simple Halloween fun.
No.
This is a boy who has some issues.
We need to talk to him.
- We're not gonna talk to him.
- Why not? He's interested.
Let's not screw up something he's excited about.
He's excited about killing us! At least it's something.
Mom, Dad, we're almost ready for your scene.
- This is creepy.
- This is great! I can't wait to do this scene.
And look at this.
These little wax heads.
- They look just like Randy and Brad.
- Dad! Gosh, this is awful! I mean, look at this altar.
And the heads in the basket.
And the fog.
It's giving me the willies.
But he's decapitated his brothers in such a fun, creative way.
We're not dead yet.
Mark just wanted to see how our heads would look in a basket.
I've often wondered that myself.
We're gonna go get our costumes on.
If you were gonna be executed, how would you dress? Very slowly.
Think that there's any chance that Mark really wants to Whack us? I think you got the issues, Jill.
I know.
What am I thinking? He loves us.
He's our son.
He would never even think of that.
Ready to die? Mark, Mark, Mark.
Just because it's a horror film doesn't mean everybody has to die.
Make it upbeat.
Go another way.
Have the freaks dance.
Have them do some kind of sing-along.
You're an actor, not a dancer.
Your job is to say the lines.
OK! Let's die! - Dad, you first.
- Good! Good, good, good, good, good! Gee, thanks, Ronny.
You always want a clean surface for a beheading.
Let me look at that blade there.
Let me see this.
All right.
Now, I hope you're using hard rubber because that plastic looks so cheesy.
- This is a real blade.
- What? That's a little dangerous.
Come on, now.
It's only for this shot.
I need the light reflecting off the blade.
Well, what about latex or something? Roll camera.
And action! - Cut! - Don't cut! - You ruined my shot.
- Well, I'm sorry.
You have to come inside and talk to us now! Let me have that thing.
- I have to finish my movie.
- We'll talk for a second.
We'll be right back out.
Hold still, Ronny.
Can we make this quick? I got a picture to shoot.
No, no.
We are not going back out there until we've had a talk.
- This movie has us very concerned.
- Why? Because it's about a boy named Clark who thinks his parents favor his brothers.
So he gives them a potion and turns them into freaks and kills them.
- Too much information.
- You watched my movie?! We did.
We shouldn't without your permission.
Now that we have, we're worried about you.
- In spite - No.
The reason your mom's upset is she thinks that the movie is really about how you feel about us.
If that's true, there's a problem here, Mark.
- It's just a movie.
- But in the movie, the lead character feels that his parents favor Chad and Andy.
And your mom thinks that sounds a tad bit like Brad and Randy.
You put your father on a chopping block - and go after him with a real blade.
- You think I wanted to kill you? Well, no.
Of course not.
No.
Maybe.
I don't know.
We don't know what's going on with you lately.
Nothing's going on.
I mean, it's just a movie.
The last months you've been quiet and withdrawn.
Maybe that's just how I am.
You know, I'm not like Brad and Randy.
Nobody's asking you to be like Brad and Randy.
- You're different.
That's OK.
- It doesn't seem OK.
- What do you mean? - I mean, you don't like my clothes.
- You don't like my friends.
- OK.
OK.
Look, it is hard to come downstairs one morning and find your son suddenly dressing, all the time, in nothing but black clothes.
Yeah.
And with black nail polish.
But, you know, given some time, we're adjusting to that.
What about Ronny? It might take a little longer to adjust to that.
Look, honey, just because I may not like one of your friends, or your movie is so good that it freaks me out, doesn't mean that I don't love you as much as I love your brothers.
And we want to support you in whatever it is that interests you.
- You're not just saying that? - No.
Of course not.
We're your parents.
We're here to help.
- You really want to help? - Yeah.
Let me chop off your heads.
OK! As long as it's OK with your mom.
How can we deny our youngest son this simple joy? - But let's use the hard rubber blade.
- Yeah.
- You think he's gonna be all right? - He's gonna be fine.
I hope he doesn't continue to shut us out.
No.
This movie's a good expression for him.
It's great.
He's talking.
True.
He did tell us something about what he's feeling.
- Yes.
- We know he doesn't want to kill us.
- I wouldn't turn my back on Ronny.
- Oh, no.
Cut.
Perfect.
Just need one more shot.
Mark, can you take these stockings off our faces? They're kind of hot.
Sure.
All right, Ronny.
Move the basket a little closer to the cauldron.
Yeah.
I feel so much lighter.
Yeah, me too.
And that pain I was having in my back gone.
No engines allowed! I will just have to incur the wrath of the pump pump Just because we may have a problem with one of your friends, or your movie's so good that it freaks us out, doesn't mean that we don't love you every bit as much