Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s07e05 Episode Script

Come ALONG that man! You're hanging behind! (And in front, and sideways.
) Listen, Mavis, I'd like to think about this.
Good grief! It's not as if you're getting married.
If I were, I wouldn't 'ave to think about it.
You know what to expect.
Oh, I don't know, a lot of it came as a shock to me.
Tha soon got the hang of it though.
I don't remember, it all seems like a bad dream.
See this? Have you any idea what it is? Norm, what is he on about? That's not just a roll of concrete.
THAT is the path of duty waiting in front of us.
You know these people have called for volunteers.
Tha's a Christian, thee go.
You were baptised, weren't you? It wasn't Total Immersion, that's for sure.
Technically, he IS a Christian.
Me? Certainly.
I'm a Christian? Not a good one, if I was God, you wouldn't get past the door.
ButHis Mercy knows no bounds.
It's funny they only see you're a Christian when needing volunteers.
Exactly! You're not surprised nobody's recognised him as a Christian.
After all, he has been wearing this SUPERB disguise.
Norm, why is he tidying me up? It's not personal, he thinks you look scruffy, and he's ashamed.
I just wondered.
You do, don't you? Check him from your angle.
For things visible that should be invisible.
Well, it all looks fairly yeeuch! Why didn't you do yourself up a bit? You knew I was planning to see the vicar.
I wasn't meeting the vicar.
HEY! Have we to go to church? It won't do you any harm! I'm not going to church.
Come here.
We don't have to go to church.
We are merely volunteering to assist the concert party.
CONCERT PARTY? I'm not goin' on the stage.
That's right, ruin it for everybody.
Never mind how much some of us have beensecretly rehearsing.
I'm NOT going on the stage.
We heard you Well, perhaps there's something we can do, behind the scenes.
Foggy, what's tha been rehearsing? Never mind It doesn't seem to matter much now.
I can't help it.
I get this sense of inadequacy when I know I'm being watched.
When did tha find out? On me honeymoon.
Now, stay at the back, and try to keep out of sight until I have successfully concluded the arrangements.
Oh If that's all we've go to do, I don't mind doing that.
I'm naturally gifted at staying at the back, out of sight.
Not you, him.
The thing to aim at, is keeping old-reckless-trousers invisible until such time as it becomes safe, for him to pop out and when I say POP OUT, I mean the ENTIRE PERSON, not just some little bits which shall be nameless.
What was that? A nervous lady, getting rapidly worse.
It were the vicaress.
You couldn't warn me, could you? How could I? With a death grip on me windpipe.
You could have nudged me, oh no.
Just stood there, slyly being strangled.
Playing for sympathy.
We are here, madam in a voluntary capacity If we could have a moment of your VALUABLE time.
Creep, no wonder he made corporal.
Oh, credit where it's due.
He talks very nicely through strange letter boxes.
If I could just have a moment of your valuable time.
Shut up! Owowow! HE'S BROKE IT! HE'S BROKEN MY LEG! Only at the bottom.
Tell me, Doctor, do you think I'll ever play for England again? I want you to go out there, and WIN, for Nora.
I will, I WILL! Will you keep quiet you two.
I'm trying to establish contact.
Don't be alarmed, madam, I have them under control.
GO AWAY! I've come to offer my services.
That's very kind, but I don't need anyone strangled.
There's no demand for it.
I've come for the concert party.
You could strangle them for ME, but HE'D never allow it.
It's HIS concert party, I deny ANY responsibility.
I am merely here to keep them gorged on tea and buns.
HAVE YOU ANY IDEA WHAT AN INFINITY OF TEA AND BUNS CAN DO TO A PERSON? Please, madam, don't excite yourself.
We are here merely to offer our services as volunteers.
My God, three MORE for tea and buns.
Vicar! I'm very busy, Miss Hare.
The WEIGHT of this enterprise is on these shoulders.
I know, I sympathise.
We need your approval.
What is it? What is it? The rough lay-out for the programme.
I hate it.
Oh! I hate it.
It's got no pzazz.
Pzazz? Showbiz, Miss Hare.
(Must have pzazz.
) Why are you in your costume? There's a lot of spadework before putting on our funny clothes.
Cheeky wap.
He's got HIS funny clothes on.
They're his overalls.
What's he doing on his knees? As a clergyman, you're AGAINST people on their knees? In broad daylight? Out of doors? It's too damned Oriental.
He's not on his knees.
He's chatting up your missis through the letterbox.
Lydia! What now? Are you in that letterbox? It's mine.
Why converse through a letterbox? I think this strangler wanted to I mean, this gentleman wanted to see you.
Volunteers, Vicar.
Will you explain why you were The man from the council rang.
.
.
conversing through a letterbox? I'd rather NOT discuss it.
I think we ought! Not in front of stranglers, eh, I mean strangers.
A small reservoir, not only of performing talent, but managerial capacity.
Hey, missis, give us a bun and I'll give you a flash of me matchbox.
Oooh! What ARE you gasping for? You're looking tired, I've WARNED you.
I am not looking tired, Am I looking tired? Would you say I was looking tired? No, not exactly Yes, I am.
I am looking tired.
He tires easily.
I DO NOT TIRE EASILY! He's VERY highly strung.
I DON'T SPEAK THROUGH LETTERBOXES.
Don't SHOUT, dear.
These persons want to SEE you.
I can't see them now, not anyone! He's very busy, as you can see.
Anyone at home? Reinforcement party here, NCO and two other ranks.
Ah well, that's it, nobody here, let's go.
Hey up! Just a minute, we can wait, can't we? They'll be back.
In the meantime, have a brief inspection.
Yesget the feel of things.
A decent little stage.
Great, let's go.
I could get the hang of this stage.
Friends, Romans, Countrymen lend me your ears.
Let's go.
We've only just got here.
Look, come up here, come up here.
Stand here, you'll soon get the feel of things.
By Jove! I could dominate an audience from here.
Hey up, they've got mice! There you are, they've got mice.
Let's go.
You can't take HIS word.
The Great White Hunter.
How does he know? Listen, Noddy, I'll tell thee how I know there's mice Here! What's that? What d'you think? It's mouse crap! Urgh! Oh, no! Oh my God! He's riddled me with germs! A LITTLE SPECK OF MOUSE! Give over! I'm a mass of micro-organisms.
See, he's not just an ex-corporal.
It's all very well for him, he'd give a germ a disease.
WHAT A CARRY ON! ALL OVER A LITTLE SPECK OF MOUSE CRAP! I KNOW what it's over.
Don't go on about what it's over! Find a sink! There must be a place to wash! Find A SINK! This is a good time to find him a sink.
Yeah.
Come here! Come back, give me a hand! Will you, will you see what some fool has built here! Ha-ha-ha! Good job I spotted the flaw in that rickety structure.
Somebody could have been hurt.
CREAKING Encore! Encore! Very good! Eh, you can see that they are, eh, rather short of high-calibre volunteers.
Oh aye! You made a right boghole o' that! Me? I was just passing by when it fell on me, didn't it? Don't just sit! Come on, help me put it back.
You see, it probably just gets a hold of a bit there, you know if we all push Does tha know this feller? Complete strangler to me.
Stop messing about.
I'll say this for scenery shifting - his mind's off the mouse crap.
OH! Aaaaaaahhh.
You must admit, when Foggy volunteers, you can see where he's been.
I-I-I'll attend to the scenery, when I've washed my hands.
Oh, and made sure that the mouse mechanic here has washed his.
Think I'll wash, Norm.
Looks that way.
HEY! YOU! You promised you'd have my scenery erected.
I did? Oh well, at least he admits it.
Where's my scenery? It's all here somewhere.
It's a tangled mass on the floor! That's a novel idea! Who are you? I think there's been a mistake.
I've come to that conclusion myself.
Now your name is? I'm sorry, I'm terrible at names.
If we've known each other for years, I apologise.
You must realise I DO meet a lot of people, many of whom are dead.
So, well, where's the incentive? Now, your name is? Well, really, honestly, truly, there's been Come, come, come, your name, your name.
It's Clegg.
I see, well, this is what I propose.
You mustn't take offence at this, so brace yourself, man, I'm going to take you off scenery, you need a complete change.
I won't argue, it's settled.
The truth is, I know you'll agree, you're not very good at scenery.
Not to worry, we'll soon find something for you to do.
It's only fair to point out that as a volunteer, I fall short of many of the basic skills.
Ballad singer.
Including ballad singing.
I need a strong, male, ballad singer.
Unsuitable on all three counts.
No need to be modest, all friends here! It's not affectation, I've got genuine reasons for being modest.
Come onlet's hear you sing.
Sing? Me? Here? Now? Come on, just a few bars.
# Come into the garden Maude # # Comecome into the ga # No, you can't sing in a waistcoat and pullover.
When I was young, I had to choose between singing and waistcoats.
I chose, and I don't regret it.
(Oh dear.
) Can you juggle? Ju? No, no, I'm famous in supermarkets for dropping bacon, and sometimes eggs.
Contortionist? No, I don't bend easily.
It comes from my mother's side.
Must be something.
Don't put money on it, it's a bad bet! What are you doing here? There is a destiny that shapes our ends, he's washing his hands.
Top hat and cane dance, with a few elegant steps.
Now you MUST No! No! be able to No! No! .
.
do it.
Yes, we can do a top hat and cane dance.
Oh! Excellent! Pzazz! That's the spirit! Just the two of you? No, three.
No! Name? The Three Astaires.
What stairs? A-staires, as in Fred.
Oh! The Three Astaires.
It'll look more like the Three Freds.
Splendid! Now, we'll be counting on you.
I'll soon whip them into shape.
Good show.
Oh, em Yes? Keep that one away from the scenery.
Eh, ballad singer, must find one.
# On the road to Mandalay # Where the # Three of us? Well, I've got to include him Oh, my God! I've found this hamper full of gear like this.
The Yorkshire Bandito.
Hey hey! Get it off! Senor, who eez thees Gringo? Look, I could sever your neck.
This weapon is bone and gristle.
His nose! He's going to STAB me with his nose! Listen Speedy, get that stuff off, report back here.
El! Noso! Magnifico! COMPO STAMPS OFF It's a soldier's nose.
Give it back to 'im then.
It's a well-shaped nose, isn't it? Well, say something.
I saw Viva Zapata - you don't contradict short Mexicans.
Yeah, well, I mean, you've seen what he's like, haven't you? I mean, we've got to include him or he'll start taking the mickey.
I mean, youyou know what he's like, scruffy.
We'll have to smarten him up.
Well, I can do it.
I'm a trained leader of men.
If I can make civilians killers with knife-edge creases, I can shape HIM up for a top hat and cane dance.
A good bath, and a stiff dickey - that'll transform him.
It's not him I'm worrying about.
Why do you have to include ME? I need three, it's the minimum for executing precision footwork.
I shall need, I shall need you two as a sort of showcase.
You needn't be shy, They'll be watching ME.
"Six legs in perfect unison.
" I've not got one leg in perfect unison.
# Da da di di, da da da dah # An elegant top hat and cane dance.
I've always sensed I was the man for an elegant hat and cane dance.
I've got stuttering feet, It's only fair to warn you.
It's, eh, very like army drill.
I've always sensed it.
We both have the same gift.
Both? Me and Fred Astaire, I spotted it instantly.
The sameslim figure, the knack for wearing clothes.
Feet, like precision instruments.
Oh yes, I saw it at once.
It could have been me with Ginger.
CAN YOU COME 'ERE A MINUTE, NORM? Once I've worked out a routine, it'll just take practice.
OOOWW! I warn you OOOWWW! .
.
I'll drive you at rehearsals.
I'll demand perfection! Success is a matter of driving the bodyto the utmost.
AOOW! What is it? DON'T STRETCH IT! THA'S STRETCHING IT! OOWW! Come here, I'm talking about rehearsals, come here! I-I-I'm just trying Come here! Don't leave me, Norm! Come here! That's showbiz! That's better, I don't want you to move till I dismiss the artists.
It's not personal, I'd expect the same discipline from Larry.
Larry? What, big Larry at the cake shop? Sir Laurence to you.
CAN YOU COME HERE, NORM? No, he can't come there! You come here! Do as you're told.
Come and stand here! Look! Will you STOP playing about with these costumes and props! I thought he'd shout, you said he wouldn't.
I was wrong.
Look, take this stupid stuff off! I can't get the helmet off.
Of course you can! AAAHHHH! AAAHHH! Steady! Steady! You MUST be able to get it off.
Mind me 'ead! You got it on, you must be able to get it off.
OOOWWW! OOOWWW! It won't come off.
Ye daft pillock.
It's what I said, twisting people's heads.
You can see why it won't come off.
It's a cheap, theatrical copy.
I mean, you wouldn't find a real, military helmet seizing up.
It's the hinges, you see, it's the hinges.
Oh aye, aye.
Just a moment, come over here.
(Come along, I'm going to help.
) Actually, it suits him.
He looks like the Black Prince.
Yes, well half of him does anyway.
Come over here, take the rear end.
Rear end? Into every life a little rain must fall.
Just bend over, would you? Now, when I give the word, pull.
Are you ready? Yup.
Right.
Ready, steady, go! Owwww! Will you shut up when people are trying to help! AH! OH! He does remind me of the Black Prince.
Me neck, you're stretchin' me neck.
Don't you want to be taller? Make a bit of an effort, wriggle your face free.
I'll wriggle SUMMAT free in a minute! It was just an idea, you've got the sort of face for wriggling.
I'll 'ave a neck like a giraffe.
You can't wash the one you've got.
All right, calm down, we'll take you someplace with some tools.
Hey up! I'm not going out in the street like this.
Is there no satisfying the man.
He's always complaining.
All right, all right, we'll fix you with some sort of disguise.
What d'you think this is? I think he means a disguise, to disguise your disguise.
OH! Come along that man, at the double.
This is no good.
You look VERY attractive.
Doesn't he look very attractive? It's Dolly Parton.
I could have sworn, it's Dolly Parton.
Hello, Dolly.
BEEP BEEP! HEEEEY! I've just caught you, 'aven't I? Goin' off, sneakin' out.
I should'a paid more attention at school.
I seem to remember a rumour about this bein' a free country.
You get back inside that house.
You can give me a hand out wi' that feather quilt! AW.
Marriage is so unequal! How d'you make that out? Because you're only married to me.
Look what I'm married to.
Well, come along then.
Not if there's anybody about.
There's nobody about.
Some disguise this is, everybody staring at me on the bus.
In sympathy though, weren't they? Feeling sorry for you.
Not because I look stupid? No, of course not.
Is that true, Norm? I think so, they're bound to feel sorry for anything that looks so stupid.
OH! What ever 'as he done? What's 'appened to his poor 'ead? Don't concern yourself, madam.
There's nothing to Oh God! Oh! (Shut thee face.
) If she want to feel sorry for me, leave well alone.
Oh Nora, I 'ad to see thee before it were too late.
"Have you any last wish?" they said.
Who said? Shut yer face.
I said, "Aye, take me home to Nora Batty before it's too late.
" Oh, me poor lamb.
What ever 'ave you done? I'd rather not talk about it, Nora.
Just hold me close, I'm sinking fast.
Hold tight love, hold tight.
I will, I will.
His 'ead's all queer lumps.
What's 'e done? What's 'e done? Nothing yet.
I think his trouble's just about to begin.
WOOOH! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! HOW DARE YOU! Go on, you creepy devil! That's no way to behave! COME BACK HERE, I'LL GIVE YOU SOME MORE LUMPS.
And you! Go on, get inside! Ow! Ow! Ooooww! THUD! Oh dear! Never mind, if at first you don't succeed Yeah.
Oh you, dozy great pillock, put me down.
PUT ME DOWN! You don't want to go through life with this on.
I think he wants to try.
I do, I WANT TO TRY.
Come on No, oh no Come on.
Nooo! No, no.
That's it, that's it.
AAAAAHHHH! THUD! Hah! There you are, came off easily that time, nothing to it.
You great big prawn What are you doing? There's no need to take that attitude.
You were right, Foggy.
That's a very good top hat and cane dance.
I'LL GET YOU!