Modern Family s07e05 Episode Script

Honey, would you buy a closet called.
.
Shh! I am waiting to see if I get to go tomorrow.
Jury duty.
You know, you can just throw that away.
There's no way they can ever tell you got it.
Jay, you're a bad American.
It is a privilege to serve on a jury.
For the first time, I get to be part of it.
Talk to me when you're eating a tuna sandwich out of a machine.
Anyway, it's a distressed-oak model that I like to call Wait, wait! Wait! Oh! I'm in! Parking structure "C"! You're excited about a parking structure? It's not even "A" or "B.
" You're gonna have to take my place working at Joe's school.
I can't do that.
I have a job.
Have Claire cover for you.
She knows how to yell at people and read the newspaper.
What the hell's wrong with that school? Aren't we paying them so we don't have to take care of our kid? That's not the way it works at The Learning Barn.
You know that they want the parents to be involved so that they can bond with the kids.
What's wrong with schools today? I'm successful, and I had a nun with a mustache.
Well, you better get used to going there, because if I get put into a murder trial, I could be gone for weeks.
Maybe I should tell them that I have experience on a firing squad.
Why do you say crazy stuff like that? Now, that isn't true, is it? Wait a second.
That new closet, what did I say it was called? You never said.
Damn it! That's why I need a grease pencil in the shower.
Oh, I don't know, Haley.
I mean, he is really cute and really smart and really funny, but, oh, he's always wearing clogs.
Oh, no, no.
If he is not a chef, a nurse, or a tulip salesman, you need to run.
Hey, if your mother had that attitude about a man in clogs, you two wouldn't have a dad.
Okay, thanks, Dad.
I won't let you down.
Bye.
[ Telephone beeps .]
Guess what, guys.
I am going to be the big boss at work tomorrow, and coincidentally, it's take your daughter to work day.
- Huh? - I'll go to work with you, Mom.
Stop trying to get out of community service.
You need those hours to graduate.
And you're not a daughter.
Mom, Dad, sit down.
There's something I need to talk to you about.
You're going.
So, girls, what do you say? Uh, you know we're not 8, and I have a job.
You called in sick twice last week because you had a zit.
I work in fashion.
They told me not to come in.
Alex, honey, your last class tomorrow is at 10:00 A.
M.
, - so if you hit the road - No, no, no, no! Haley, quick, close the laptop! Until now, I was always a full-time mom, so the girls never had a chance to see the other side of me You know, powerful woman in charge.
Yeah, 'cause we never get to see your tough side.
[ Snorts .]
[ Chuckles .]
Come on, Daddy, we're gonna be late for your work.
[ Whistle blows .]
I know.
I'm excited, too.
[ Whistle blows .]
Okay, I was wrong.
The whistles aren't better outside.
Are you sure you can get all these groceries home by yourself? I don't know.
I'm kind of scared.
I've never driven groceries home before.
Hey, you guys.
- Ray Raymond? - Raymond! Hi.
Oh, it's been so long.
Yeah.
Haven't seen you since, you know.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Raymond and J'Marcus broke up three months ago, and they'd been together almost as long as we have.
J'Marcus got all the friends, and Raymond got all the confidence to go shopping in his pajamas.
You guys having a party? - No, no.
- Party? No, not a party.
Olive medley, square napkins, cracker trio.
Um, well, these things are just more for a What would you say? Kind of like a get-together.
Get-together, get-together.
It's a last-minute thing.
Yeah.
It's no big deal.
- Sounds fun.
- No, it's not gonna be fun.
No.
It's crackers.
Yeah.
It's supposed to rain.
Well I'll see you guys.
- Yes.
- You, too, Raymond.
- Bye-bye.
- Take care of yourself.
Phew! That was close.
I thought we were gonna have to invite him.
Hey, Raymond, you should come tonight.
Really? It wouldn't be a get-together without Raymond.
- Right, Cam? - Absolutely.
Yeah.
Oh, you know what? But - I should tell you, J'Marcus is gonna be there.
- Yeah.
So, if that's gonna be uncomfortable, we totally understand.
No, it's fine.
I'll be there.
It'll be nice to see J'Marcus again.
Maybe he'll bring one of those shirtless ab sluts I've seen on his Facebook page.
- I'll see you guys.
- Yeah.
Yeah, see ya.
- Okay.
- Look forward to it.
-You, too.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
[ Whistle blows .]
What was I supposed to do? I mean, he was all sad and pathetic and broken.
Oh, well, yes, the perfect addition to any party.
They are gonna be at each other's throats and ruin the whole night.
Come on, Lily.
Thanks to you, we are throwing the antisocial event of the season.
- Cam.
- No, I'm late and I'd like to leave on that.
[ Sighs .]
[ Indistinct conversations .]
Hi.
I'm I'm here.
Well, this is a special treat.
I spy with my little eye a first-time volunteer! Gloria had jury duty, so no chance I could get out of this by pretending to be racist? [ Chuckles .]
Anyway, uh What do you need? You can set up the paints, make the Kale smoothies, and wipe down the rabbit hutch.
On it.
Margaret? Paint, smoothies, hutch.
- Got it.
- Excuse me.
- Who's this? - That's Margaret, my assistant.
I couldn't have children.
This is not how it works with parent volunteers.
You're already playing fast and loose with that term "volunteer," so what do you say? As much as we don't like to use the word "no" And, by the way, if any of these little tykes start acting up, she's not afraid to get out the wooden spoon.
Jay, I know it's a little scary, but you're going to have to let her go.
I don't want her to go.
Margaret, just go.
I'll distract him.
Come back.
Margaret, don't turn around.
Okay, men.
Gather 'round.
Teachable moment.
Don't think of community service as a requirement.
Think of cleaning up this park as an opportunity.
To get hepatitis? To make the world a better place.
That's why I'm here.
I already did my required hours.
That's a fancy way of saying you're a virgin.
Joke all you want, but this looks good on an application to NYU or UCLA or KFC.
Okay, stop trash-talking and start trash picking up.
I-I'll get that.
Hey! There he is.
Hey You.
How long's it been, Mr.
Real Estate? Well, you tell me, Mr.
You.
I'm usually really good with names and faces, but I could not remember who this guy was.
Fortunately, I found that one perfectly worded question can get you all the information you need.
How's things? - Good.
- Uh-huh.
How's the beautiful wife? Claire's great.
Yeah.
Thank you so much for asking.
How's How's your situation? - Oh, you know, same ol', same ol'.
- Mm-hmm.
Actually, I'm glad I'm running into you like this.
My car just got towed, and my wallet and cellphone were in there.
- Oh.
- Could you possibly lend me some money for cab fare or - Yes.
- Oh.
Of course.
How's, uh, $40 with a little extra in case you run into trouble? I want to make sure you get back to your house in, uh Time for dinner, I hope.
[ Both laugh .]
Thanks, man.
You're the best.
Hey, Dad.
Oh, my god.
Last time I saw you, you were so small.
I better run.
Thanks, pal.
All right, buddy.
Good to see you.
- Dad.
- Hmm? That guy just scammed you.
No, he didn't.
It's a classic scam.
You pretend you know someone and then borrow money.
Okay.
Men, gather 'round.
Teachable mome Hey.
Just a circle.
Gather means a circle.
What did you just see? A squirrel eating a band-aid.
No.
You saw a man helping out a friend in need.
If he was your friend, what's his name? That slipped my mind.
Did you recognize him at all? Gentlemen, don't be cynics like Luke.
Don't let your skinny jeans cut off the blood to your hearts.
I'm with you, Phil.
I choose to believe in the goodness of men.
You have a condom stuck to your shoe.
Oh.
Defense also has no objection to juror 14.
Moving on, juror 15.
Here.
Ask me anything.
I am an American.
All right.
When someone hires a lawyer, do you think they're more likely to be guilty? No.
Thank you.
When they play with their hair like he is, that's when I know that they're guilty.
Your honor, we request dismissal of juror 15.
Why? I'm very good at reading people.
He is guilty.
And, by the way, so is the guy that is behind him.
He's not even on trial.
Well, then he should be.
I don't know what you did, but you did it! Your honor.
He's getting away.
Juror 15, you are dismissed.
Ay! No, please, your excellency.
I just want to do my part as a citizen.
Lady, you can stop acting crazy.
You got out.
Ladies, right this way.
Come on in.
Oh, you're in Grandpa's office? Yeah.
Of course I am.
It's no big deal.
I'm in here all the time.
I mean, practically every day at this this point.
This is It's not usually such a thing.
There we go.
Have a seat.
Does that guy with the tattoos still work on the loading docks? When I was 15, he gave me my first catcall.
Pretty sure that was his last day.
- Huh.
- Hey.
Oh, where's Jay? He's not here, but I'm filling in.
What can I do you for? I'll ask him tomorrow.
Are you sure? Uh Men are often intimidated by a strong, powerful woman.
Jay around? No, he's not.
Oh, damn it.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Captain's chair is not empty.
I'm here.
Let me help you.
- Seriously? - Seriously, huh? Okay.
Well, we need to take a delivery of 100 mirrored doors, but warehouse one and two are both full.
Huh.
Okay, I know what to do.
I've got this.
Uh What if we move the drawers into that busted semi in loading dock four? - And that works because - That frees up warehouse two.
Worst-case scenario, we're a day late on delivery.
But they'll be mad at us.
We'll give them a break off shipping? I don't know.
Maybe like We did it.
Yeah! Huh? [ Chuckles .]
Good job, team.
You see, what I did there is I created a framework for problem solving, and I didn't spoon-feed them the answers.
It's just good management.
Yeah.
That's exactly what it looked like.
Hey, Jay, I need a decision on that oh, boy.
Get back here, Dom.
What needs to be decided? Well, we're throwing that party later for Herm's retirement, and Jay's just sort of the master when it comes to picking out cakes.
Oh, I'm here.
I can pick out a cake.
Uh, ice cream cake.
Mm, I don't know about that.
It's a cake.
It'll be fine.
- Okay, is there a number where I could reach - Just get it.
Jay? No matter how big or small the issue, people want their leaders to be decisive.
- Oh, definitely.
- Of course.
- What flavor? - Mint chip.
- I'll come back.
- I said mint chip! Hey, Joe! You want to I'm like Bruce Willis in "The Sixth Sense.
" Jay, will you please put the craft table over on the hemp rug? No.
For a word you don't use, I'm sure hearing it a lot.
That's the craft table.
You're holding the feelings table, where we talk about how we feel.
Hey, Mr.
Table, I feel like breaking you over a hippie.
Well, you're the lawyer.
When can I go to jury duty again? Uh, you know, I have no idea.
You're literally the first person who has ever asked that.
I am so frustrated.
This reminds me when I was a little girl in my village and we had no power.
Oh, this is the story about the TV set powered by the donkey, right? No, political power.
We had no say in anything.
But now I am an American, so I thought things were going to be different.
I wanted to listen to testimony, look at the evidence, have somebody burst in with new information.
Mitchell, guess what just happened.
You're home early.
I have a two-hour lunch Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
And summers off.
I'm beginning to get the low pay.
This just in.
Pepper says he's not coming if both J'Marcus and Raymond are here.
"If I wanted this much tension in a space that small, I'd go up to my mother's room.
" That's not nice.
We can't afford to have another bad party.
You have to call Raymond right now and un-invite him.
I-I can't believe you and Pepper aren't being more compassionate about this.
Raymond is a human being.
What is the problem with inviting Majarcus and Roland? They had a horrible breakup.
Months ago.
Gloria, what do you think? I think I need to know more before I adjudicate.
Adjudicate? When the skies were clear and the donkey was very strong, we would watch "L.
A.
Law.
" That is the mockup room.
Hey, guys.
Keep up the mocking.
[ Chuckles .]
It's important to keep it fun.
Ooh.
Look at that.
The design team's having a meeting.
What do you say we go in there and give them a couple "attaboys," huh? No.
No, they look really busy.
Don't be silly.
Everybody wants face time with the boss.
Oh! [ Laughter .]
Oh.
Mom, are you okay? Alex, I'm fine.
- Oh, my god.
- What? - Your pupil is the size of a nickel.
- Oh.
It looks like half of you went to a rave.
Claire, we have a storage problem.
If it's those mirrored doors, I think I solved that one.
No, some idiot ordered Herm an ice cream cake.
I don't think that name-calling Wait, how is that a storage problem? The damn thing won't fit in the freezer.
It's melting like a son of a bitch.
Well, then, um, find the smallest room we've got and crank the A/C full blast, hmm? - Oh, that's a great idea.
- Thank you.
Maybe later, we could turn the heat up in the broom closet, bake muffins.
Complete disaster.
I'm gonna say something.
You people are being ridiculous.
It's a freaking mint chip cake.
Mint chip? Yeah, mint chip.
You're gonna love it.
And if it's melting, so what? We move the party up a little.
In fact, why don't you tell everybody to be in the mill in 10 minutes.
But Jay's not here.
Yeah, who will give Herm's farewell speech? I will.
Give him the best farewell speech Herm has ever heard.
Mom, are you sure you're up for this? Yeah, you look a little loopy.
You know what? I'll be fine.
Just as soon as I figure out who Herm is.
Keep it up, gentlemen.
Hey, Dad, remember that time you were getting ripped off? You're still on this.
I took a picture of the guy and sent it to Mom.
She swears she's never seen him before in her life.
Your mom could say that about anyone she met at a party with an open bar.
Sounds like someone could use another teachable moment.
- Oh, I'm good, Dad.
- Men, gather 'round.
Teachable mo Mother of Luke here still thinks I got ripped off, but if that guy wasn't legit, how did he know that Luke was my son? Because I called you dad.
But how did he know that you used to be small? I get the problem with that one.
Phil, don't give in to his hipster cynicism.
I admire your childlike faith in people.
And, Luke, answer me this.
If this guy is such a con man, how did he know your dad was Mr.
Real Estate? Boom! Someone give this kid a mike to drop.
Wow.
You got me.
I'm actually feeling a little dizzy because of that.
My whole world view has been rocked.
I'm just gonna sit down before I pass out.
Pretty smug for a guy sitting on pigeon droppings.
Totally worth it.
Jay: I was standing outside feeling sorry for myself.
[ Tambourine rattling .]
Erica: Larry the lonely leopard couldn't change his spots but once he put his smile on look at all the friends he's got Jay: Then I realized I was Larry the lonely leopard.
I just needed to put my smile on.
That song works on so many levels.
Whoo! [ Tambourine rattles .]
Hi, gang.
I'm Joe's dad.
Hey, uh, anybody want to hear a story? - That's a great idea, Jay! - Okay.
This one's called "The Teeny Tiny House.
" Ooh.
"In a teeny tiny town on a teeny tiny block stood a teeny tiny house with a teeny tiny" You're old.
You seen my wife, Big Ears? After that, Big Ears' parents and I had to spend a little time at the feelings table.
Let me see if I'm understanding this.
So, you have known Radar longer, but Jemima is the fun one.
Uh, yes, and kudos for really zeroing in on those names.
Come on.
Raymond's fun.
Name one fun thing he does.
[ Stammers .]
One So many things.
Okay, this [Laughs.]
he does this thing where he imitates his parents' answering machine.
It's hilarious.
It kills every time.
- And it's J'Marcus.
- Damn it.
Mitchell, why is this Raymond so important to you? What is it that you're not telling us? Nothing.
Isn't it true that you have feelings for him? No.
Admit it.
You have a crush on him.
I don't.
You love him.
You want to be with him.
And you won't stop until Cameron is out of the picture.
Okay, okay, you're you're crazy.
- Then why? - Be [ Sighs .]
Because I am Raymond.
Mm.
What? Yeah, if -- if we ever broke up, all of our friends would pick you, and I'd be the one who's left behind.
Oh, honey, that's not true.
I would make them invite you to stuff.
He's lying.
I can tell from the way he's playing with his hair.
No, I-I think you really got to it.
- Say it.
- Okay, fine -- Cam! Cam's the one, all right? Cam's the one I'm worried about.
He's the one who's gonna be left behind.
I rest my case.
Well, I don't rest mine.
Why do you think I'm the one that's gonna be left behind? I'm the belle of the ball.
Right there That's the type of thing you should let other people say.
About a woman.
Nobody really cares about your political rants.
Our friends don't want to hear about the Koch brothers unless you're talking about a couple hot guys in a bathroom at a nightclub.
Cam, you have no filter.
You say whatever rude thing you're thinking, and that ruffles feathers.
Feathers has terrible breath, and I was the only one with the decency to tell him.
Okay, that's it.
Both of you sit down.
I have reached my decision.
Raymond is coming to the party.
Yes! It's a smart precedent to set, because after what I heard here today, I think there is a big chance that both of you are going to be left out.
- Wow.
- Uh, you know you're not under oath, right? Monty: Hey, there he is.
[ Laughs .]
How long's it been, Mr.
Sport Coat? And there it was.
The ultimate teachable moment.
I guess the answer is nothing.
Nothing separates us from animals.
Grow up, Manny.
Human beings are basically terrible.
Yeah.
Hey! What the hell? There he is! Mr.
Full-Of-Garbage.
What are you doing? Payback for turning a bunch of innocent kids into cynics by preying on my good nature and pretending you know me! Yeah! Phil Dr.
Monty Lemon.
I delivered Luke.
Dr.
Monty Lemon was thinner, had more hair, and was a good 15 years younger than you oh.
Oh, yeah.
You're in my baby photos.
[ Garbage rustling .]
[ Indistinct conversations .]
Anybody wants cake, grab a cup.
I'll have some.
It's mint chip.
Oh.
[ Door rattles .]
Did it.
I got Herm's personnel file, and I wrote a kickass speech.
Your eye is turning black and blue.
Yeah, and and what happened to your hand? Um, nothing.
I just gashed it trying to get into the filing cabinet.
Nothing a stitch or two at urgent care can't fix.
Hey, uh, "boss," are we gonna do this? Oh, we're doing this.
I know it's been a tricky day, but I am so glad the two of you are here to see this.
Okay, everyone, gather 'round.
Just bring it in.
Let me get your attention here.
Oh, oh! [ Crowd "oh" s .]
- Mom! - Mom! Stupid ice cream cake.
[ Groans .]
I'm okay.
Ooh.
Oh, god.
Mom, stay down.
No.
I need this.
I know you think you need to impress us, but you don't.
You've impressed us our whole lives.
Alex: And especially today.
Nobody but you could put up with this much punishment and keep going.
It means so much.
It really does, but [Inhales.]
I've got a job to do.
And I'm gonna do it.
[ Sighs .]
[ Claire breathing heavily .]
Herm is so many things to so many people.
To his three sons, he is a role model.
To his wife, Dolores, he is a devoted husband.
And to his six rescue beagles, he - Wrong Herm.
- What? You're talking about Herm Anderson.
Herm Kowalski is the one who's retiring today.
There are two Herms? - Three.
- Okay, I'm out.
Ow.
Jay? In here with the booze.
Oh, ay.
How are you? Fine.
Why? The school called, and they said that a mean boy made fun of you.
Shh! He can probably hear us from here.
Kid had ears bigger than Stella's.
Other than that, how was it? Like me in the tube slide Not a good fit.
Just not my thing.
And don't give me that business about bonding, because Joe didn't even know I was there.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, I got rejected from jury duty, so you don't have to go to school anymore.
Joe: Mommy! Mommy! Hey! [ Speaks Spanish .]
[ Chuckles .]
Ay-yi-yi.
How was your school day? Best day ever 'cause Daddy was there.
Really? Did you like Daddy being in school? He made snacks, he read books, and now I call Tommy "Big Ears.
" I'm glad that stuck.
[ Laughs .]
That's so nice.
Daddy, can you come back tomorrow? Do you really want me to come back tomorrow? Yeah.
Huh.
What do you know? I'm a hit.
Jay: Anyone there? Hey, a little help! - Hello? - Tommy? Tommy, oh, hey.
I'm kind of stuck here.
Could you go get a grown-up? Sorry, can't hear you! Really? With those ears? I'm sorry, that was uncalled for.
What do you want? Money? I got money! Go ahead, use the credit cards! You'll spend less than my wife.