The King of Queens s07e05 Episode Script

That is the coolest motorcycle I've ever seen.
Makes you want to run out and get a giant tattoo, you know? Maybe like Mickey Mouse giving the finger.
No, Mickey Mouse can't do that.
He doesn't have a middle finger.
What are you talking about? He only has four fingers.
You're thinking of the Hamburger Helper hand.
No, I'm thinking about the Mickey Mouse hand.
Actually Danny's right on this.
I was in the Mouseketeer club.
And the final piece of why I'm single puzzle In place.
Hey, if you're out of the club, why do you have the mouse ears? Instead of worrying about what's in my private trunk, why don't you focus on not being such a slob? Well, why don't you work on getting your mom out of our apartment? Your mom lives with you? Her building got torn down, and she's been nothing but a delight.
I'm just saying I could do without the see-through housedress.
I lived with the woman for 29 years.
I think she can live with me for 6 months.
Six months? Twenty-nine years? If I have to wear one, why can't it at least be my fish tie? No.
That's stupid.
Okay, a tie that looks exactly like a trout is stupid.
Now, let me explain what tonight is, okay? Mr.
Dugan- He owns the company.
- is throwing a party for our floor- Is throwing a party for our floor to show his appreciation for all the hard work- .
.
that our department- Forget it.
You know, don't go.
I'm kidding around with you.
Come on, Doug.
You never take any of my work things seriously.
That's not true.
Oh, it is true, okay? The last party, you left me for an hour, because you were having a burping contest with the bathroom attendant.
He challenged me.
I had to take him to school.
And another thing, Doug.
You've met the people I work with a million times, and yet you never remember who anybody is.
I remember Dieter from the bathroom, who I burped out of the building.
Honey, listen to me.
This is very important to me tonight, okay? So I am begging you, if you have any feelings for me at all, please, please don't embarrass me tonight.
All right.
You got it.
Thank you.
A.
Spooner, dressed and ready.
He's going? You wanna make a good impression and you're bringing him? The invitation says "families welcome.
" I'm family, and I like free shrimp.
Dad, I am happy to bring you, but just remember, the shrimp is free, but it's not to go.
It is if your pockets are lined with tin foil.
Okay, Dad, I'm begging you, for one night, please just act like a normal human being for me, okay? What do you say? No.
Dad.
And inhale up.
Ahh.
And exhale out.
Ahh.
Oh, hi, Danny.
Hey.
And last time, big inhale up.
And out.
Good work.
We'll see you tomorrow.
Oh, ho-ho.
What a workout.
I feel great.
You done with the TV? Huh? Yeah, sure.
It's all yours.
Great.
Thanks.
Uh.
What's up? You know, you remind me of a magician I once knew.
We were just friends.
At first.
But then I decided to take him on as a lover.
Hey.
Oh, Spencer.
Do you remember that magician I dated when you were a boy? Ivan the Magnificent? No.
The other one.
Oh, the Amazing Carl.
Yeah.
He always had those weird balloons in his wallet.
Doesn't Danny look a lot like him? No, not really.
Come on.
The strong jaw? The full lips? He's a dead ringer.
We'll have to start calling you Danny the Great.
Ha, ha, ha.
Anyway I'm gonna go take a long bubble bath.
Hey, dude, I'm not sure, but I think your mom's hitting on me.
Hey, you stay away from her.
What are you talking about? She's vulnerable, okay? And when she's vulnerable, she turns to men, and I couldn't bring any of my friends home in high school.
Look, forget it.
Just stay away from her.
I didn't know it was such a sensitive area.
It is.
And how many times have I told you, do your own dishes.
Get up and do it now.
Do it now.
All right, I'll do it now.
Although it's gonna be hard for me to do the dishes and stay away from your mom.
You wouldn't.
No, I wouldn't.
But Danny the Great might.
Which is why I look at all of you people, not as co-workers, but as family.
The only difference being that I can fire you people.
I can't fire anybody in my family.
Lord knows I've tried.
Doug, bring it down.
Bring it down.
Anyhow, stay as long as you like.
Enjoy the drinks and the food.
Oh, I will.
Believe you me, I will.
So, this wasn't so bad, right? Well, I thought it was gonna be really boring, but i-it's all right.
Hey, Carrie, nice to see you.
Hi.
Oh, hey, Doug.
Hey.
Doug, you remember meeting Mike? Of course I remember Mike.
How's it going, Mike? It's going good.
I was on my way out, and I wanted to say hello.
Oh, okay.
All right, man.
Have a good night.
Take care.
Bye-bye.
Okay, I think I schmoozed everyone I need to schmooze.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom, then we'll go.
All right.
I'll wait here.
Yes, but make eye contact with no one.
Put 'em back, Dad.
Doug.
Hey.
Stay right there.
Hey, hey, hey.
That lady in the purple suit there.
I know I met her before.
Who is she? I'm sorry.
I don't know her.
Her name, her job.
Anything.
Mm No.
My wife's gonna kill me.
Come on, man.
Oh, crap, crap.
Hey, Doug.
Hey.
I was hoping to see you here.
What are you doing here? Ha, I work here.
I know.
I'm just saying, like, "what are you doing here?" like, "what's up? What's shakin'?" We miss you, is what I'm saying.
We really miss you.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Yeah.
We have got to get together.
Wow.
Great.
I'd love to.
Okay, just walk away now.
Just say good night and leave.
How 'bout Sunday? How 'bout brunch? Brunch on the beach? On the beach? What beach? Shut up.
Stop talking.
I would love that.
I- I guess I'll set it up with Carrie.
You guess? You make it happen.
Okay, I will.
All right.
Well, you take care now, then.
Douglas, aren't you gonna introduce me? No! Hm? Aren't you gonna introduce me? Oh.
Oh, God, how rude of me.
I'm sorry.
This is Arthur, my father-in-law.
Arthur, heh-heh.
Uh, this is- Well, this is just one of the coolest people here at the firm.
She's a great gal Think of something.
Think.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
He's having a heart attack.
Mr.
Heffernan, can you describe the pain? Uh, yeah, there's a pain just shooting down my right arm.
Well, with a heart attack, there'd be pain shooting down the left arm.
I- I meant my left.
I said right for you.
I switched it around for you.
Okay.
Just hang in there, all right? We'll be in the emergency room in a minute.
Baby, I love you.
I love you.
You'll be okay.
Don't worry.
I'm faking it.
What? I'm faking it.
You know, I'm still waiting for my thank you.
Oh, I'm sorry, Doug.
Thank you.
Thank you for faking a massive heart attack in front of all the people I work with, because you forgot somebody's name.
You're welcome.
What were you thinking? I was thinking about you.
I was trying not to embarrass you.
Not embarrass me? You were carried out on a stretcher.
People were praying for you.
Look, you're missing the big picture here.
What's-her-face doesn't know I forgot her name.
That's called thinking on your feet.
You know what might have been a better thought, Doug? If you remembered Molly's name from any of the five times that you met her.
It's very easy to be a Monday-morning quarterback.
Let me ask, what do you do when somebody asks you for the time, and you don't have a watch? You swallow your own tongue? No.
But that's going right in the bank for next time, I'll tell you that much.
What is your problem? I'm bad with names.
You said yourself.
No, Doug, you're only bad with the names of the people in my life.
That's not true.
Really? What's my boss' name? Mrs ter.
I don't know.
Right.
And what's the guy's name you buy kebabs from outside Shea Stadium? I don't know.
What is his name? Sanjay Habandjasing.
And his wife's name? I don't know.
You know it.
Say it.
Say it.
I don't know it.
Ellen, damn it.
Ellen Habandjasing.
Them you remember, but Molly you forget.
Who? Molly.
Heart attack girl.
I just said it five seconds ago, Doug.
All right.
It's not all right.
Forget it.
You don't have to remember anybody's name, because you're never gonna go to another work thing with me ever again.
Except for beach brunch on Sunday.
Okay, and, uh, when you're done with my jeans, why don't you go, uh, vacuum my room, roll my pennies, and, uh, oh, yeah, that shirt you're wearing? That's mine now.
You know what? I'm not doing this anymore.
I'm done.
Hi, boys.
Hey.
I got ziti and Entenmann's.
Tonight we're gonna eat like kings.
Oh.
That sounds great, Veronica.
Hey.
Tell me something.
What is this behind your ear? Ooh.
Ah.
Ooh.
Is it a shiny quarter? Oh, my.
That's a good trick.
You know any others? I don't know.
Do I, Spence? Hey, Carrie.
How's Doug doing? Oh.
Uh, he's fine.
Turns out it was just indigestion.
But thank you for doing CPR on him.
That was brave.
Carrie, I was just wondering how your husband's doing.
Indigestion.
It was just indigestion.
Carrie Heffernan? Yes.
I'm Andrew Dugan.
I own the company.
Yes, I know.
Your picture's on my paycheck.
I just wanted to know, how is your husband? Oh, he's much better now.
I'm glad.
Now, what was the diagnosis at the hospital? Oh, it was just indigestion.
Just indigestion? Yeah.
Yeah.
Gas.
A lot of gas.
They said it was like But he's okay now.
He's okay now.
Doctor said my father had indigestion.
A week later we were playing badminton, I lofted a high, arcing shot to his side of the net The shuttlecock never came back.
I won the point.
But lost my dad.
I'm so sorry.
Ah, well, Carrie Don't you worry.
This isn't going to be happening to your husband.
Do you know what I'm going to do? I am going to get him to the best heart specialist in the city.
Oh, no, no, no, sir, sir, that's really not necessary.
We already took him to a specialist.
Oh? Who? Dr.
, um, Habandjasing.
Never heard of him.
I'm gonna send him to my specialist.
No, you really don't need to do that.
Carrie I saw how your husband clutched his chest and went down.
You put that behind a badminton net, and it's my dad all over again.
Now, you have your husband at All Saints Hospital at 7 a.
m.
tomorrow.
Oh, and no food for 12 hours before.
Hold on to your skirt.
I had Mario attempt the very first ever quadruple cheese pizza.
I swear, it's like I'm holding a body.
Let's dig in.
What? Right back at ya.
Come on, baby, win me a stuffed animal.
Carrie, I can't go in there.
I'm claustrophobic.
Well, it's gonna be a rough half hour for you.
Half hour? Longer if you move.
Hey, Dad.
I'm heating Doug up some soup.
You want some? No, thank you, darling.
I'd like to talk to you about something.
What's up? As you may know, I'm twice widowed.
Yes, I heard.
I'm so sorry.
Well, I think it would be easier for you to handle Doug's impending death if you begin dealing with it now.
Dad, Doug is not dying.
Still in denial.
Listen to me.
Doug is fine.
You're fooling yourself.
He's a ticking time bomb.
All right.
So what do you want me to do, put a pillow over his face, finish him off? No.
That's horrible.
However, if you're asking for a few minutes alone with him message received.
What's your point? I want you to look these over, get familiar with them.
Dad, these are men's profiles from a dating service.
Exactly.
Now, this time, I say we go for money.
Huh.
Where's my soup? All right, hold on to these.
Hey, hon.
How you doin'? Not too bad.
Who knew it would actually turn out that I'd be healthy? Yeah.
And the doctor said you were big-boned.
Who knew that was a real thing, huh? Listen, uh, as you know, I did a lot of thinking in the hour and a half you were screaming in the MRI tube.
And I know what you did, you were just doing for me.
I was.
You just did it in the stupidest way possible.
Yes, I did.
I just have to realize with you, I just need to lower my expectations.
The lower you go, the happier you'll be.
Don't be afraid to get 'em way down low.
Okay.
Look, I know that I have to take more interest in your work and things that are important to you.
Thank you.
Could you do me a favor and just put the pillow behind my back? Yeah.
Oh, God.
Oh, hello, Danny.
Hey there.
Hey, buddy, how's it goin'? What's going on here? What do you mean? Sink's full of dishes, basket of my dirty clothes is still there, and I'm not smelling any zucchini bread.
Well, I've decided not to do your chores anymore.
Really? Yeah.
Well.
Well, if that's the way you feel, then it looks like Danny the Great is on.
Hmm.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That's for me.
Good evening, Trudy.
Mom.
What are you doing here? Spencer invited me for wine.
Come on in, sweetie.
Hello, Trudy.
Oh, it's so good to see you.
Can I talk to you in the kitchen? Oh, sure.
I gotta go pour a couple of glasses of award-winning Beaujolais.
What are you doing? You know she has a drinking problem.
Really? Is that gonna make her vulnerable? You wouldn't? I would.
You're bluffing.
Try me.
Oh, yeah? Try me.
Okay, I'm out.
Me, too.
Forget it.
I can't believe I opened a $300 bottle of wine.
I can't believe I bought a rabbit.
Hey.
You ready to go to lunch? Yeah.
And I'm thinking soup and a salad? Well, if those items come with my lasagna, we're in the right restaurant.
All right, we'll go wherever you want to go.
Just give me one second, okay? Doug? Is that you? Ah, you're a sight for sore eyes.
Doug, you remember meeting Mr.
Dugan.
Of course I remember Mr.
Dugan.
Please, we're family.
Call me Andrew.
Okay.
Tell me, how you feeling? Great.
Yeah, and your, uh, doctors gave him a great diet, and I will make sure that he sticks to it.
Fantastic.
I'll tell you what.
Why don't you go up to my office, and get Doug a set of Dugan Group golf club head covers? I am on it.
Anyway, Doug, it's good to see you up and about.
It makes me feel better that you feel better.
Oh, thanks so much, Mr.
Dugan.
Ah-ah-ah.
Come on, now, Doug.
What did I tell you to call me? Oh.
Here are your golf club things.
Thanks.