Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s07e06 Episode Script

COMPO: 'Ey up, could somebody tell me why we're crawling around 'ere like three duck eggs? FOGGY: Stop complaining.
You're getting expert, free tuition in how to blend in the background.
CLEGG: Once you've dealt with his background, could you do something with his foreground? Whoops! Sorry, Norm.
Now pay attention! The next thing we have to do Is go for a drink.
We do NOT go for a drink.
Not even if it blends in the background? The next thing we have to do is learn how to cross an open space.
Hey! Wow, an open space(!) Uuugh! I'm fed up wi' this.
I am, I'm really teed off wi' this! Will you get down, or do I have to tread on your head? Oh well, if you put it like that.
I'm prepared to listen to reason.
You can't be fed up already.
Would you like a second opinion? He's got the concentration span of a modern football supporter.
What did you say? Modern football supporter.
RATTLING Where did you get that damned thing from? I swapped it wi' some kid.
What did you give him? My feelings exactly I thought 10 would have been plenty! Fat lot of use trying to move like a panther round here.
What do you need that thing for? You're not a football supporter.
He's a rattle supporter.
I am, Norm.
Ho-ho! I like a bit o' rattle.
RATTLING Put it away! Steady on! A bloke has to be very careful putting a thing like this away.
One false move and your clacker's in a mess.
What's this? Your trousers are in threads.
Go steady, go steady, tha'll have me trousers fall apart.
Who makes them, Shredded Wheat? You stay here and watch me demonstrate crossing open space.
It won't be dangerous, will it? It will if 'e pulls these threads.
It won't be dangerous.
I hate watching anything dangerous.
You just watch the road carefully.
Keep your eye on the road, I'm going to SLIP across the road.
Now you'll hardly see me, you'll think it's a shadow of something.
Will that be a small or a large shadow? Just watch! I'm going to disappear into cover.
I'm going to ground.
If you don't see me for a while don't worry.
I'll still be around.
Remember, I could be within inches of you.
I can't see 'im.
Ooh! I can't see 'im.
Remember, he could be within inches of you.
He's a great dollop! No Credit where it's due.
I mean, this moving across open spaces is much more fun than we thought it would be.
Ohthis rattler.
'Ey up! Mm? A moving bush.
They're quite rare, you know.
Oh, it doesn't surprise me.
What's the great prawn going to do when he gets on the road? He's going to leap out like a shadow and straight across.
Unless he's going to pause halfway disguised as a white line.
COMPO AND CLEGG LAUGH There he is! Up the terriers! Wahey! It's the Red Shadow.
RIOTOUS LAUGHTER FROM COMPO AND CLEGG I tell youI tell you, it isn't every day that you see cyclists run over by a bush! RATTLING Up the terriers! Oh no, Norm We mustn't laugh.
I don't see why not.
I suppose you think it's funny.
What gave you that idea? I hope tha never comes across that mob again, they'd lynch thee! What's up with you lot? Lost your tongues? That makes a pleasant change.
Actions speak louder than words.
They do with you.
Aaaaah! Aagh! KEEP AWAY! Did you enjoy that? Oh aye, I always enjoy a little grapple with Ivy.
I used to feel the same and look at me.
No, II'm only joking, luv.
Actually, she's never been that fond of a grapple.
No? No.
A bit of wallpapering she can get enthusiastic about.
Some women have a black belt in chastity.
Ayeand the pity of it is that I am STILL AVAILABLE.
Sometimes I don't think they know what they're missing.
With them trousers they MUST.
What's that bit hanging loose? I never dared to enquire.
Hand-made are these.
My Aunt Lizzie makes them to special order.
Have you done? No, I haven't done.
Don't take all day.
Who trained your Ivy to handle customers, Sidney? Did you send her to Cosa Nostra, or did she pick it up with the Waffen-SS? I keep telling her, be nice to people.
Start with me! Don't upset 'im, Ivy.
If 'e gets excited, his leaves'll fall out.
I don't know You try to help people, you try to get 'em interested in some healthy, outdoor activity Being a tree?! Not just being a tree.
There's more to it than being a tree.
It's the physical exercise.
I meanhow do you think I got these tiger-tight muscles? Physical exercise.
It's tha gob that gets all the exercise.
Wait till you feel the glow that comes from tiger muscles.
He does talk some twonk.
I should be sorry to lose my flab.
Every sinew like a steel wire.
Absolutely fluent twonk.
It's very underestimated is flab.
I don't think people appreciate it as they ought to.
I didn't get into this condition by accident.
You have to work at it.
What are you twitching at? Twitching? These are exercises.
Well, go somewhere else and twitch.
I've got a party coming in a minute.
A party? A few trippers.
You'll see 'em if you hang on.
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT On second thoughts, I wouldn't hang on, not your type really.
Not our type? How do you know? Sort of a husband's intuition.
They're all health freaks.
Well? Healthy outdoor types.
I should have thought we had a lot in common.
WE'RE fitness freaks.
AREN'T WE? Oh, aye.
We're all fitness freaks.
COMPO COUGHS Excuse me Excuse me.
Come on, excuse me Why, what've you done? Sorry.
Excuse me! EXCUSE ME Norm, do you think she's trying to tell us something? What gives you that impression? Excuse me.
I don't know about you two, but I'm determined to stay.
I don't know about you two, I'm determined to chicken out.
You are staying! Looks as though tha're stayin'.
Ah well, that's democracy.
What 'Ey Oh! Still 'ere? We intend to stay.
I look forward to meeting these people.
You can stay for me.
But how long will you last, now she's decided you should leave? We're doing nothing illegal, she has no reason for throwing us out.
She'll think of something.
Well, she'll find I can be stubborn too.
I don't know why you're making a fuss.
You'll find out.
What we've got to do is box clever.
We'll order something else and we'll make it last.
Ohh! Three of your distinctive cups of tea, please, Sidney.
Tea's off.
Off? Sorry.
But we've just had some.
Weren't you lucky? You had the last three.
Love-30.
Your service, Foggy.
All right, we'll have three coffees.
No coffee.
No coffee? No.
Sorry.
Butwhat's in that big tin marked Coffee? Desiccated coconut.
Well, what's in that tin marked Desiccated Coconut? Electricity bills and fuse wire.
Love-40.
Milk! We'll have three glasses of milk.
Milk's off.
Sorry.
'Ey, listen.
Raise the bids, go for something worthwhile.
Try bacon and eggs.
We've stopped serving breakfast.
No bacon and egg.
New balls, please.
Yes, well All right then Yes.
Yes, I'm sure we've no wish to stay where we're not welcome.
Oh, I don't mind.
I've 'ad some great times staying where I'M not welcome.
But I have a feeling in my water this is not one of 'em.
Get off! It's not like you, Foggy, to give in as easily as that.
Give in? You won't catch a Dewhurst giving in.
Let go of me, you daft pillock! A tactical withdrawal, you see.
You mustn't confuse retreat with tactical withdrawal.
Hey, Norm Has he creased my jacket? It's difficult to tell for all them creases.
Oh You see sometimes it catches the enemy off guard by PRETENDING to retreat.
I'll say this for you, Foggy when you pretend to retreat, it's really convincing.
Aye, it would've fooled me.
I thought it were a REAL retreat.
Never mind what you thought.
I know what I'm doing.
Aye, we all know what tha's doing.
Tha's retreating.
Yes, I knew you'd misunderstand, I knew military tactics would be lost on you.
Pay attention.
Why's 'e trying to hit me with that stick? Because he hasn't anything heavier? We shall lull the enemy into a false sense of security, then .
.
we shall strike from a different angle.
Hey! Wowa DIFFERENT angle.
Any minute, someone is going to be wriggling on the sharp end of this stick.
Wouldn't that damage my trousers? Don't talk to me about your trousers! As a church-going non-smoker with a few bob in the building society, I don't like to think about them.
What's wrong with my trousers? It's just a difference in viewpoint.
I mean, from where YOU are, on the insidethey probably seem OK.
It's just that from where WE are, on the outside, they look disgusting.
Oh Yes, well, erwhere were we? Well, you were about to stab him with your stick.
Don't do that! Don't do that! He's not made his will.
His will? What's HE got to leave? There's my ferrets! And he's promised his wellies to medical science.
Only if they pay the postage.
No, pay attention! Yes, right Well, my assessment of the situation is this Point 1 - Ivy didn't want us to stay and mix with her coach party, whoever they may be.
Point 2 - that coach party will now be sitting down to its meal.
Point 3 - we go down there and stroll straight into the cafe.
You see? Tactics! You see? Crackers! They've arrived.
Well, come along, you two.
She can't throw us out, she won't want to upset her other customers.
Whoops! I don't think he's going to be in there long.
Whoops! Whoops! ANGRY SHOUTS Can't you do SOMETHING, Harold? Oh, shut up, Phoebe! That's very positive.
I do admire firmness in emergencies.
Look, this is hardly an emergency, I've stalled her, that's all.
How ingenious, when Hermione's waiting for us with the the Lord Lieutenant.
Do SOMETHING! Like what? It's simply not my sphere, Harold.
It's a MAN'S sphere.
(Spheres to you too, darling!) Oh, look! Some poor people.
I expect they'll know what to do.
You could have warned me about those bicycles.
We 'ad confidence in thee, Foggy.
We knew tha'd be faster than they were.
Hello, there! Can you help? 'Ey up.
I think this bloke thinks he knows us.
Do you think we ought to wave back? I hate being faced with these sudden decisions! I think we ought to ignore him.
He's not waving to us, the man needs some assistance.
Well, that settles it.
We definitely ought to ignore him.
I don't trust him.
You don't know him, how can you not trust him? If he thinks he's going to get any help from three idiots like us how can you trust judgement like that? My God! Look at the one in gumboots.
Has he been in an accident? Well, he seems to be walking well enough.
The poor can be very useful, but they're always in some damn disaster.
Whatever you do, DON'T TOUCH HIM! Why should I touch him? For luck(?) Good day, sir Madam.
What seems to be the trouble? I'm afraid we're in rather a hurry.
We're due at my wife's sister's.
With the Lord Lieutenant.
Oh, the Lord Yes, well Having a spot of bother, are we? I think I may have flooded her.
Never mind It doesn't show.
Yes, not to worry.
I'll get my chaps to lend a hand.
My chaps? MY CHAPS?! (Don't you start!) Just for once in your life, try and create a good impression.
Or would you settle for saying "Goodbye" nicely? Look - can you stand at the back? Just try and stay at the back.
Yes, now then What have we here? It's an engine, you big lily! Haagh! Haaaagh! Oh, my God! He's in spasm! Haaaaagh! It's an engine! Ha! Haagh! COMPO AND CLEGG PANT I could really get fed up wi' this, I could.
Put your back into it! I got this bad back, 'aven't I? Your front's not so clever.
It pays to stay clear of people who pronounce their aitches.
You say "Hello" to somebody who speaks nicely the next minute they've got you carrying their bags, pushing their cars or backing their horses.
They need a very firm 'and, do the upper classes.
Lot of experience of the upper classes, have you(?) Listen, Glenda.
The Duke of Devonshire once asked for my photograph, didn't he? What for? To show to 'is gamekeepers so they could shoot me on sight! I know just how they felt.
Nearing the crest of the hill.
One more heave! Oooh! Never mind the sound effects, just PUSH.
Think that's done it! Ah, splendid.
Much obliged.
Uuugh! Oh, I 'ope tonight's not the night that Nora Batty finally says yes! I'd sooner push motor cars.
I really would.
Awfully decent of you chaps.
Buy yourselves a drink.
Oh, no, no, no there's no need for that.
There is back 'ere.
Yesplease.
Take it.
Buy HIM a square meal.
Oh, he'd only drink it.
His lifestyle is VERY irregular.
Please, no details.
'Ey, Phyllis! Tha doesn't 'ave to take it for me.
But if tha doesn't, I would like to point out 'oo's going to have to pay for the next round! Oh, very well then Right ho, chaps! Down we go! Ohh! Uugh! Ahh! Oooh! Cor! Uuugh! 'Ey up! Me trousers is going wi' 'em! How am I going to get 'ome like this? By taking advantage of every bit of cover, like I taught you.
There you are, you see .
.
you look perfectly respectable from here.
I can't keep walking over 'ere.
I'm goin' to break my flamin' neck! Promises, promises.
Listen, big Audrey.
It's difficult to keep tha feet over 'ere, the ground's all lumpy.
Look at you.
You're a fine one to complain about things being lumpy! I didn't ask to lose my trousers.
I didn't wake up this morning and say, "Oh, what a lovely day - "I think I'll lose my trousers.
" Oh! How do you think I feel, wandering the Pennines minus me trousers? How DO you feel? Well, it's a bit draughty, Norm but there's one thing I'm pleased about.
We've noticed you're keeping it under your hat.
No As luck would have it - thank God, I've got me best underwear on! I must have had a premonition! And you don't want many of those just in your underwear.
I'm coming back over! OH! Oooh Don't you sometimes feel you're not as elastic as you used to be? I never was.
That was what was so nice about my marriage.
It never made any excessive demands flexibility-wise.
Get back over there.
I'm not going back over there! It's Swan Lake Doesn't he remind you of Swan Lake? If that's your BEST, what's the other pair like? That is something I do not wish to discuss, other than with close friends.
Will you kindly get back over the wall? What for? We all like you better when you're wearing the wall.
I'm not going back over there! It's MURDER trying to walk there.
There's somebody coming.
Get back over there.
What are you doing? What are you doing?! Get back over there! YOU STUPID GREAT PRONG! I hated throwing him over there.
Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.
Oh, I don't mind being cruel to him, it's just handling his underwear.
I find it's better not to think about it.
'Ey up! That's Nora.
My own true love.
Yorkshire's Joan Crawford! Well, you just stay on that side of the wall where you are, and try and keep your southern exposure unexposed.
You do right to keep him over there.
Oh, I love the way her lips move.
Look at them lips.
She wipes me out with them lips Oooh! I've always said he belongs in a field somewhere.
Make 'im stay where he is.
Tell 'im we'll send somebody up twice a week to feed 'im a forkful of hay.
Ahh! She's got a wicked tongue! When you see her sitting in her chariot, you realise she's a dead ringer for Queen Boadicea.
How do, Wally! How do, Compo.
She'd definitely put the wind up a Roman legion.
And they didn't wear much under their jackets either.
Have you seen anything unusual? Well, if we haven't, it's been more by luck than management.
Like a pigeon that's lost its way.
I've got a great looking pigeon with no sense of direction.
I'm going to have to train the little twit to ring the RAC.
Will it carry a ten-penny piece in its beak? No, it'll reverse the charges.
Are we staying here all day, or are we going for a ride? Isn't it great when you've retired and you've got all this spare time to take the wife out for a ride? Just stand still a minute, Wally.
Don't move.
Why is 'e lookin' at me coat? Well, it's a splendid coat is that, Wally.
It's sort oflong.
It's a GREAT coat, is this.
With a coat like that, you'd never miss your trousers.
Ahhh Never miss me trousers? Ohhh! No! No Will you keep still, Wally! You can't take No Listen Oh! OOH! WALLY GROANS What ARE you doing over there? Have you still lost that pigeon? I've lost more than me pigeon! Get a move on, that man! It's all right for thee What are you complaining about now? I got you a pair of trousers.
Ayebuilt for a midget! Wally's not a midget.
He is from some angles! Well, I've heard of Y-fronts, but V-fronts are something else again.
Will you stop poking about down your trousers! You're not conducting an orchestra down there.
Not even a small band, if I'm anything to go by.
Well, I'm not walking along a public highway with him plucking at his heart strings.
We'll go home across the fields.