Seinfeld s07e06 Episode Script

Yes, I'm a very lazy eater.
That's why I like soup.
First of all, it looks half-digested so you feel like half the work is done already.
I'm hoping Campbell's comes out with an IV line of soup that you could just jam right into your arm, you know? Campbell's tomato intravenous.
Mainline gumbo.
Everyone just sitting around at dinner with their soup IV hanging on the hook there, you know? How's yours, Grandpa? Oh, chunky style.
What theatre do you wanna go to tonight? We got 61 st and 3rd or 84th and Broadway.
Which one you wanna go to, Schmoopie? You called me "Schmoopie.
" You're Schmoopie.
- You're Schmoopie.
- You're Schmoopie.
You're Schmoopie.
All right, Schmoopies, what's it gonna be? - Pick a theatre.
- We'll go to 3rd Avenue.
So can you come with us to the soup place? No, you have a good lunch.
I'll meet you here for the movie.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hi, Elaine.
- Hi, Sheila.
All right, then I'll see you later.
- Bye, Schmoopie.
- Bye, Schmoopie.
Okay, we ready to go? Yes, please.
Please, let's go.
I'm in the mood for a cheeseburger.
- No, we gotta go to the soup place.
- What soup place? There's a soup stand.
Kramer's been going there.
He's always raving.
I finally got a chance to go, and I tell you this: You will be stunned.
Stunned by soup? You can't eat this soup standing up.
Your knees buckle.
All right, let's go.
Come on.
There's only one caveat.
Guy who runs the place is a little temperamental.
Especially about the ordering procedure.
He's secretly referred to as the "Soup Nazi.
" What happens if you don't order right? - He yells, and you don't get your soup.
- What? Just follow the procedure and you will be fine.
- All right, let's go over that again.
- All right.
As you walk in the place, move immediately to your right.
Okay, the main thing is to keep the line moving.
You hold out your money, speak your soup in a clear voice step to the left, and receive soup.
- Right.
It's very important not to embellish your order.
No extraneous comments, no questions, no compliments.
- Oh, boy, I'm really scared.
- Elaine.
Jerry, that's enough now about the Soup Nazi.
Look at this.
You know what this is? This is an antique armoire.
It's French, armoire.
Armoire.
- How much is this? - I was asking 250.
But you got a nice face.
Two even.
Two hundred.
You know, I've always wanted one of these things.
- He gave you the nice-face discount.
- Yeah.
All right, you guys go ahead.
- What about the soup? - I'm getting an armoire, Jerry.
Pardon.
This line is huge.
And it's like this all the time.
Isn't that that Bania guy? Oh, no.
It is.
Just be still.
Too late.
I think he picked up the scent.
Hey, Jerry, I didn't know you liked soup.
Hard to believe.
This guy makes the best soup in the city, Jerry.
The best.
You know what they call him? "Soup Nazi.
" All right, Bania.
- I'm not letting you cut in line.
- Why not? If he catches us, we'll never get soup again.
Okay, okay.
Medium turkey chili.
Medium crab bisque.
- I didn't get any bread.
- Just forget it.
Let it go.
Excuse me.
I think you forgot my bread.
Bread, $2.
00 extra.
Two dollars? But everyone in front of me got free bread.
- You want bread? - Yes, please.
Three dollars! - What? - No soup for you! What do you mean, I can't bring it in? I live here.
It's Sunday.
There's no moving on Sunday.
- That's the rule.
- But I didn't know, Tom.
Can't you just make an exception? Please? I've got a nice face.
Tomorrow, okay? You move it in tomorrow.
I'll even give you a hand.
- You're gonna have to hold it.
- I'm the guy on the sidewalk.
I don't have layaway.
Oh, no.
Please don't go.
Please.
Please don't walk away.
Oh, man.
Oh, this is fantastic.
How does he do it? I don't see how you can sit there eating, and not even offer me any? I gave you a taste.
What do you want? - Why can't we share? - I told you not to say anything.
You can't go in there, flout the rules, and then think I'm gonna share.
- Do you hear you yourself? - I'm sorry.
This is what comes from living under a Nazi regime.
Well, I gotta go back there and try again.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi, Schmoopie.
- Hi, Schmoopie.
- No, you're Schmoopie.
- You're Schmoopie.
- Going.
- Hey, listen so we'll meet you and Susan at the movie tonight? You know what? I changed my mind.
I don't think so.
- Why? - I just don't feel like it anymore.
- Just like that? - Just like that.
Boy, he's a weird guy, isn't he? - Hey.
- Hey.
Yeah.
Hey, hey, hey.
What are you doing? Elaine has to leave her armoire on the street all night.
I'm gonna guard it for her.
I need something to sit on.
Well, sit on one of your cushions.
But this is so nice and thick.
Ahoy, there.
Oh, Kramer, thank God.
- I really appreciate your doing this.
- Well, you asked for it, you got it.
Do you need anything? Well, a hot bowl of mulagatani would hit the spot.
- Mulagatani? - Yeah, it's an Indian soup.
Simmered to perfection by one of the great soup artisans in the modern era.
Who, the Soup Nazi? He's not a Nazi.
He just happens to be a little eccentric.
You know, most geniuses are.
- I'll be back.
- Wait a second.
- You don't know how to order.
- No, I got it.
- No, Elaine.
- Hey, I got it.
Hey, didn't you already get soup? No, I didn't get it.
Why? What happened? I made a mistake.
Well, we'll see what happens to you.
Yeah, no, listen, George, I am quite certain l'm walking out of there with a bowl of soup.
Let me ask you something.
Is it just me or do you find it unbearable to be around Jerry and that girl? Oh, I know.
It's awful.
Why do they do that in front of people? - I don't know.
- What is that with the Schmoopie? - Schmoopie.
- Oh, stop it.
I know.
I had to listen to a discussion on which one is actually called Schmoopie.
I cancelled plans to go to the movies with them.
- You know, we should say something.
- We absolutely should.
I mean, why does he do that? Doesn't he know what a turnoff that is? - He can be so weird sometimes.
- Yes.
- I haven't figured him out.
- Me neither.
I gotta focus.
I'm shifting into soup mode.
Oh, God.
Good afternoon.
One large crab bisque to go.
Bread.
Beautiful.
You're pushing your luck, little man.
Sorry.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hey, there.
Oh, one mulagatani, and What is that there? Is that lima bean? - Yes.
- Never been a big fan.
You know what? Has anyone ever told you you look exactly like Al Pacino? You know, Scent of a Woman.
Very good.
Very good.
You know something? No soup for you! - What? - Come back, one year! Next! - Look at this.
- It's an antique.
It's all handmade, and I love the inlay.
Yes, yes.
Me too.
It's gorgeous, completely.
Pick it up.
- Pick it up from the bottom.
- Wait, what are you doing? What does it look like we're doing? We're taking this.
You can't take this.
This belongs to a friend of mine.
Look, you wanna get hurt? I don't think you wanna get hurt.
If you wanna get hurt, I can hurt you.
Now, just back off.
- Bob.
- Just pick it up.
Hey, what is this, huh? You have some kind of problem? What is it you're not understanding? We're taking the armoire, and that's all there is to it.
Okay? I mean, is he allowed to do this? It's discrimination.
I'm gonna call the state's attorney's office.
This is fabulous, my God.
Elaine, you have to taste this.
All right, all right.
Give me a taste.
- Oh, my God.
I've gotta sit down.
- Yeah.
What happened? Where's my armoire? - It was stolen.
- What? These street toughs, they robbed me.
Street toughs took my armoire? Yeah, it was very frightening.
My life was in danger.
You should've seen the way they talked to me.
- I can't believe this! - So where's the soup? The Soup Nazi threw me out.
Yeah! - What are you gonna get? - I'll decide at the last minute.
You better decide, sister.
You're on deck.
Sheila! What is this? You're kissing in my line? Nobody kisses in my line.
- I can kiss anywhere I want to.
- You just cost yourself a soup.
How dare you? Come on, Jerry, we're leaving.
Jerry? Do I know you? So essentially, you chose soup over a woman? It was a bisque.
Yeah, you know what I've just realized? Suddenly, George has become much more normal than you.
- Really? - Yeah.
Well, I mean, think about it.
He's engaged to be married.
Your top priority is soup.
Have you tasted the soup? Yeah, all right.
You made the right decision.
See, it's much easier to patch things up with Sheila than with the Soup Nazi.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Oh, thanks.
- There he is.
Elaine, I'm really sorry about the armoire.
Yeah, I know.
Me too.
- So did these thieves want any money? - No.
- They just wanted the armoire? - Yeah, they were quite taken with it.
Yeah.
Have you noticed George is acting a little strange lately? No.
In what way? I don't know.
A lot of attitude, like he's better than me.
I don't think George has ever thought he's better than anybody.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Were you just talking about me? What's going on? Absolutely not.
- Something's going on here.
- All right.
I'm gonna go get some soup.
One of these days, that guy is gonna get his.
So how was the movie? We didn't go.
Sheila and I are kind of on the outs.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
What, are you happy? - Happy? Why should I be happy? - I don't know.
But you look like you're happy.
Why should I care? You can't fool me.
Don't insult me, because I know when you're happy.
All right, I am happy.
And I'll tell you why.
The two of you were making me and every one of your friends sick.
Right, Elaine? Is that so? Yeah.
With all that kissing and the "Schmoopie, Schmoopie, Schmoopie.
" - Out in public like that.
It's disgusting.
- Disgusting? People who do that should be arrested.
I guess I have all the more reason to get back with her.
And we had a pact, you know.
- What? - You shook my hand.
You're still with the pact? - You reneged.
- All I did was shake your hand.
And then they just ran off with the armoire, just like that.
This city.
One large jambalaya, please.
- So continue.
- My friend is awfully disappointed.
You know, she's very emotional.
Thank you.
Jambalaya.
All right, now listen to me.
You have been a good friend.
I have an armoire in my basement.
If you want to pick it up, you're welcome to it.
So take it, it's yours.
How can I possibly thank you? You are the only one who understands me.
- You suffer for your soup.
- Yes, that is right.
You demand perfection from yourself, from your soup.
How can I tolerate any less from my customers? Gazpacho, por fav or.
- "Por fav or"? - Oh, I'm part Spanish.
Adios, muchacho.
You heard him.
Get out.
It was stupid of me.
Well, it was very insulting.
No, I know.
I was really sort of half kidding.
Well, behind every joke there's some truth.
Well, what about that Bavarian cream pie joke? There's no truth to that.
Nobody with a terminal illness goes to Europe for a piece of Bavarian cream pie and then when they don't have it, he says, "I'll just have some coffee.
" - There's no truth to that.
- Well, I guess you're right.
- So am I forgiven, Schmoopie? - Yes, Schmoopie.
- Hey, Jerry.
- Oh, hi, Susan.
George.
You remember Sheila.
- Oh, yes.
Hello.
- Hello.
Won't you join us? - No, thanks.
Yes.
- Of course.
So you sit on the same side in a booth? Yeah, that's right.
You got a problem? I just think it's a little unusual for two people to sit on one side and leave the other side empty.
Well, we're changing the rules.
Well, good for you.
What are you getting, George? I don't know, honey.
What do you wanna get? I want you to get anything you want.
Because I love you so much, and I want you to be happy.
Okay, sweetie? Oh, George, you're so sweet.
Well, I can be a little sweetie-tweetie-wheetie-wheetie.
What about you, Schmoopie? How about a little tuna? - You want a little tuna fishy? - Yeah, a little tuna fishy.
Fishy.
Come here.
And voila! - Yeah.
- Oh, I love it! I absolutely love it! Yeah, did the K-Man do it or did the K-Man do it? - The K-man did it! - Yeah! - How much did you pay for this? - How about zero? What? What? Whose was it? Where'd you get it? I'll tell you where I got it.
From the guy you callously refer to as the Soup Nazi.
Get out! The Soap Nazi gave it to you? Why? Well, I told him the whole story, and he just let me have it.
Yeah, he's a wonderful man.
Yeah, you know, a little bit misunderstood, but I'm gonna go down there and personally thank him.
I mean, I had this guy all wrong.
This is wonderful.
Yeah, well, he's a dear.
How much tip do you leave on 8.
15? You know, sweetie I just want you to know that I was so proud of you today expressing your feelings so freely in front of Jerry and all.
Just knowing that you're not afraid of those things it's such a great step forward in our relationship.
Because you love your little Kiki, don't you? - How is he today? - I think he's in a good mood.
Hi.
Kramer gave me the armoire, and it is so beautiful.
I mean, I just can't tell you how much I appreciate it.
You? If I knew it was for you, I never would have given it to him! I would have taken a hatchet and smashed it to pieces.
Now, who wants soup? Next, speak up.
I'm headed over to Elaine's.
Jerry, those are the guys that mugged me for the armoire.
- Those two? Are you sure? - That's them.
- Let's confront them.
- No, let's get a cop.
There's no cops around.
They're gonna leave.
Come on, let's go.
Wow, look, that one is gorgeous.
I would just kill for that one.
No, not in blue.
Blue does not go at all.
Do you know what you're talking about? I don't think you know what you're talking about.
Take a look at that.
Excuse me.
- Are you talking to me? - Well I said, are you talking to me? Well, maybe he was talking to me.
Was you talking to him? Because you was obviously talking to one of us.
So what is it? Who? Who was you talking to? We were kind of talking to each other.
Weren't we? I mean, you know, I've never been so insulted in my entire life.
There's something really wrong with this man.
He is a Soup Nazi.
- What? What is that? - I don't know.
"Five cups chopped porcini mushroom half a cup of olive oil, three pounds of celery chopped parsley" - Let me see.
You know what this is? This is a recipe for soup.
Look at this.
There are like These are his recipes.
- So? - So? His secret's out.
Don't you see? I could give these to every restaurant in town.
I could have them published.
I could drop fliers from a plane above the city.
Wait, where do you think you're going? What do you care? I don't want you causing trouble down at that soup stand.
I love that soup.
- Get out of my way, Jerry.
- Elaine, let the man make his soup.
Don't make me hurt you, Jerry.
Look, they have it in blue.
For my baby bluey.
- Are you my baby bluey? - Oh, yes, I'm your baby bluey.
Oh, yes.
Well, well.
- Hi, Jerry.
- Hey, Susan, George.
You know, I really like Sheila a lot.
Oh, really? Because we're kind of not seeing each other anymore.
Oh, no, that's too bad.
Yeah, well, she was very affectionate, which I love.
You know I love that.
But mentally we couldn't quite make a connection.
- Really? - Yeah.
Too bad.
You gotta have the affection, which you obviously have.
I think it's great that you're so open with your affections in public.
See, we had that.
- You did? - Oh, yes.
But the mental thing But, anyway - I'll see you.
- Yeah.
See you.
Go on, leave.
Get out! - But I didn't do anything.
- Next.
Hello.
You? You think you can get soup? Please, you're wasting everyone's time.
I don't want soup.
I can make my own soup.
"Five cups chopped porcini mushrooms half a cup of olive oil three pounds celery.
" That is my recipe for wild mushroom.
Yeah, that's right.
I got them all.
Cold cucumber, corn and crab chowder.
- Mulagatani.
- Mulagatani? You're through, Soup Nazi.
Pack it up.
No more soup for you.
Next! Jerry, Jerry, Jerry! - What is it? - Something happened to Soup Nazi.
- What is the matter? - Elaine's causing a commotion.
She got ahold of his recipes, and she's gonna drive him out of business.
Now that his recipes are out he's not gonna make any more soup! He's moving out of the country! Moving to Argentina! No more soup, Jerry.
No more for any of us! - Where you going? - He's giving away what's left.
I gotta go home and get a big pot.