Married with Children s07e07 Episode Script

Hotcha! Another penny closer to retirement.
Hey, Bundy, car broken down again? Nobody will give you a ride, huh? Maybe I should have called your wife.
She always gives everybody a ride.
- Hey, Jim.
- Hey, Bundy.
Did the new copy of Girls With Big 'Uns come in yet? Yeah, I just think I'll look before I purchase if There you go, just I'll buy it tomorrow, Jim.
- Sign this petition and save the trees.
- Who cares? Sign this petition to save the world from nuclear holocaust.
- Who cares? - They're gonna raise beer tax two cents.
Oh, my God! This has to be stopped.
Let us give you a beer and tell you about it.
Why ask why? Oh, wait, would you like to watch our movie, The Story of Beer? God, would I.
Beer.
And even for people like you Election Day is very important.
So I'm hoping you'll put up these campaign signs outside your home.
That is a wonderful idea, Marcie.
This one could cover the bird doody on the front of the house.
Oh, and this is a pretty one.
We could put this on the porch where the plaster's coming away.
You know, where Al likes to kick it before he comes in.
Wait a minute, Mrs.
D'Arcy.
"Support toxic waste dumps"? You'd never vote for this.
Of course not.
I've given you posters of the issues that I oppose.
Because if people think the Bundys are for them we know the whole neighbourhood will vote the other way.
We like to call it "harnessing hate.
" Well, anything short of voting, we'd be glad to help.
Peggy, you really should vote.
This year we can really make a difference.
This is the Year of the Woman.
Everyone I know is gonna vote for a woman regardless of her qualifications or her stance on the issues.
Right, Jefferson? Sure.
Actually, I wouldn't mind having a woman as president especially if it was you, Marcie.
Because I'd make a great first lady.
Yep, and I'd have a big, important issue like no littering or nice hair for everyone.
You know, national hair-care centres.
God, how cool.
Well, I think I could do a lot of good being in bed with the president.
And I really believe that if anybody could I could make them forget about Jackie Kennedy.
And you know I don't mind prancing it for the voters.
And then, when you get shot l'd marry a rich Greek.
Of course, she'd have to shave her legs and under her arms oh, and her lip.
Then she'd die, leave me a fortune and I'd become an editor.
Well, what are you staring at? Like you never thought about being first lady? Honey, shut up and look beautiful.
I'll sign that bill.
Hi, Peggy Bud, Kelly, Jefferson Bud.
I just found out what's wrong with America.
And I seem to have lost about three hours of my day.
Bought this bunch of bananas.
Kids, take those bananas upstairs with the tangerines Daddy bought the last time he got whacked.
God, I hate to see him like this.
I know.
I don't like to see him happy either.
Family, did you know that along with an election coming up there's something big going on.
They're trying to sneak by a two-cent beer tax.
Two cents! What really gets to me is that the money they're gonna raise is gonna go for education.
Well, I'll be damned if I'm paying two cents for some moron to learn how to read.
I mean, where's it gonna end? I mean, pretty soon they'll be taxing income.
Well, Al, it's nice to see you care about something besides wondering whose back is hairier.
Yours or your dog's.
Or whose chest is hairier.
Mine or yours.
Jefferson, can I depend on your support? Well, I'm sorry, Al, I don't get a ballot.
Marcie sends mine out absentee so she's sure what I'm voting for.
But I'm gonna be first lady, you know.
Give 'em hell.
Come on, Marcie, you above all people should be concerned about this tax.
I mean, after looking at yourself in the mirror all day, you must drink.
I do not drink.
I occasionally imbibe.
And only wine.
And then only with a fine meal.
Or a good cheese.
Or to enhance sex.
Or if I'm alone for 15 minutes.
But luckily, they're not trying to increase the tax on wine.
That would be unfair to the rich.
So wine is free, eh? The workingman pays for everything.
But a few French people and a couple of guys that don't like girls they get off for free.
Peggy, can you talk some sense into him? I'm sorry, Marcie, but I have to agree with Al, 100 percent.
You see, if it wasn't for beer, we probably wouldn't even be married.
In fact, the only time Al touches me is when he's had eight to 10 beers.
Oh, and he's an animal.
Oh, God, I love it.
Would you excuse us? Oh, Al, you were magnificent! Honey, no, you can't go to sleep now.
We have company, come on.
Well, I guess I can't persuade you on the beer tax since it brings you so many seconds of pleasure.
But this is an important election.
It's all gonna come down to just a few votes so I need to mention some of the other issues.
For instance, a tax that will go towards purifying Chicago's air.
They want me to pay so that people like you can breathe fresh air.
- Peg, write that down.
- Got it.
"No" on clean air.
All right.
Well, would you consider the plight of the speckled songbird? To preserve its melodious tone we must protect this area from further development.
So those little bastards can sit outside and sing all night and I don't sleep? - Peg, write that down.
- "No" to nature.
Got it.
Now, Marcie, how do these moronic issues ever even come to the public? Well, they're suggested by your elected officials.
Your councilmen, your senators, even your president.
So it goes right to the top, huh? Well, something has to be done.
Kids, get down here right away.
I have something very important to tell you.
Finally.
He's gonna tell me I'm not really his daughter.
No, he's gonna tell me I'm not his son.
But you look just like him.
That was pretty low.
I'm sorry, I went too far.
I'm really sorry.
Good luck, I hope you're not his.
I hope you're not.
Dad, who's our real father? Well, about a thousand blood tests say it's me.
Now, kids, the U.
S.
A.
Has been run too long by people who know the issues.
People that watch the news on TV, read books, generally pay attention.
Well, no more.
Because now it's time that we had a say in the future of America.
Family the Bundys are gonna elect a president.
The polls have been open across the nation for six hours but it's now official that not a single person in America has yet turned out to vote.
Not only that, Bob but I understand that nobody's even watching our election coverage.
So I've been told to do whatever it takes to get you to tune in.
You won't see that on F Troop, folks.
Now that I have your attention, be aware if any people show up to vote today the future of this country is in their hands.
Voters coming through.
Make way, make way.
Voters coming through.
Family, breathe the democracy.
This is where it all happens.
Yes, in a dry cleaner like this, they elected Washington and Lincoln.
And at a round table, where this volunteer sits they signed the Declaration of Independence.
And from the looks of her, she was probably there to see it.
Peg, get a picture of me and Betsy Ross here.
All right.
Now, down to business.
I'm Bundy AI Bundy and I'm here to serve my country.
Then please consider a minty mouthwash.
Just give me a ballot, you crone.
Not there, Mr.
Bundy, that's the bathroom.
That's all right, ma'am.
That's where he makes all his big decisions.
My name is Bundy Peggy Bundy.
And I would strongly advise you to learn the lesson that my Uncle Harold learned the hard way.
If you're wearing a pacemaker, do not follow him into the bathroom.
- What's your name? - Kelly.
Oh, you should be in the Ks.
Oh, thank you.
- Name? - Bundy.
Oh, you should be in the B's.
Oh, thank you.
- Your name? - Kelly.
Then you should be in the Ks.
They don't want me over there.
- Your name, please.
- Bundy, Bud Bundy.
Is this your first time? What, are you kidding? Why does everyone look at me and just assume I'm a virgin? Because I'm not.
Could a virgin tell you the name and last book read by every Playboy centrefold in the last ten years? I've been there and back, baby.
I know the female body like I know my own hand.
I mean, the back of my hand.
"Bud, oh, Bud," they scream.
Why, once, I even took a girl Sir, I just meant is this the first time you're voting? I guess that's something I can admit to.
Yes, yes it is.
Tell me, where do I go and what do I do with it? I bet that isn't the first time you asked that.
I know what you're doing.
You're trying to tear me down because you want me.
All girls do that.
I know you're twitching under your girdle.
Well, dream on, Methuselah.
What's your name? Oh, honey, it's okay.
Here, take a ballot.
Hell, this is Chicago, take two.
Hey, is it yellow in everybody's booth? Oops, never mind, just had hair in my eyes.
Excuse me.
Sorry, kids, I just have to ask Daddy a question.
Hey, woman, what are you doing in here? This is sacred.
Hey, no, Peg, that's sacred too.
Take me, Al.
Right here with the fate of democracy in your hands.
And now for the election news.
Good news for those who think Americans no longer care about the electoral process.
In the largest turnout in the last three national elections a full one half of 1 percent of all registered v oters actually did v ote.
Give 'em hell, America.
Now let's look at some local returns.
The beer tax passed, 25, 000 to 10, 000.
And the closest race the so-called Save the Earth Clean Air Amendment passed by a v ote of five to four.
And now we're gonna hear from our president-elect as we tak e you live to his campaign head Incredible.
We lost everything.
Not one single thing we wanted passed.
I guess Bundys don't count.
Or add, nor read.
- Or get a woman.
- Or a man.
What a waste of a day.
It's all Dad's fault.
I mean, he made us part of the electrical process.
Once again we learned that we mean nothing.
Well, at least we tried.
And failed as usual.
- Kid's right.
Give up.
We did.
- No, we can't quit.
- You saying we try again next year? - No.
Tell you the truth, I'm never voting again.
Like marriage, no matter who you choose it turns out bad.
Unless you're rich.
They get everything they want Well, fine.
Let them have their birds and their air and their Even their presidents.
But we cared about beer, and they took it away from us.
Yeah, sure, what do they care if a man who sells shoes or fixes cars or totes that barge, or spears that doody in the park has to use his whole pay cheque to buy one beer? What do they care? They're at their outdoor restaurants eating their little pizzas and drinking some fine wine in a no-smoking section with their sexy, skinny second wives while we're breeding with peasant stock.
No offence, Peg.
One thing I know we're never going to win through the system.
Voting has never been the American way.
We didn't get away from that pansy country England by voting.
We did it by throwing their stinking tea in our American harbour.
And why? Because Americans don't like tea.
We like coffee.
And Americans don't like wine.
We like beer.
- Yeah.
- Ice cold.
Ice cold, best in a bottle, but fine anyway you can get it belching, burping, wake-up-in-a-pool-of-it beer.
So let's show them how a beer man votes.
Let's get blitzed and take it to the streets.
Let's strike a blow anywhere they dine alfresco anywhere they eat Brie cheese and anywhere they wear their pants up high around their waist in the European way.
The only thing that Americans understand is mindless Tom and Jerry cartoon-like violence.
So let's go kick some elite butt.
Give me beer, or give me death! Or both.
Let's pillage.
And in the biggest election-related story people are being urged to eat at home, or at a rib joint.
Whatever you do, stay away from any restaurant that starts with "Chez.
" Frenchmen, as if they had to be told, should stay at home.
An angry mob led by a balding madman screaming: "I sell shoes, damn it, and I'm stinking drunk" has run amuck, and they've turned the streets white with foam.
Beer forever.
Oh, that's lovely.
Thank you.
Anyway, the 2 percent beer tax that was overwhelmingly v oted in is being reconsidered in a special midnight session of a cowering city council.
Well it looks like the little man finally might have won one.
You know, it's amazing I feel more like an American now than ever before.
By the way, does anyone know who was elected president? What's the difference? But whoever you are read my lips.
Don't tax beer.