Seinfeld s07e07 Episode Script

They got us trained to use the cash machine.
We're chickens in an experiment waiting for that pellet to come down the shoot.
You see people at the cash machine.
They're just there.
Waiting for the sound.
You're waiting for the sound.
That's what we're trained to hear.
The here-comes-the-money sound, you know? It's exciting.
Don't you get excited? "It's coming.
It's coming.
They're giving me money.
" Hey, I gotta get some cash.
I'm gonna run down to the ATM.
- Yeah, I gotta grab some too.
- I'll get it for you.
Just give me your card.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, just tell me your code.
My code? - So why didn't you tell her the code? - No way.
George, you're gonna marry this woman, most likely.
It says very clearly, "For your protection do not give your secret code to anyone.
" So you're taking relationship advice from Chemical Bank now? Why does everything have to be "us"? Is there no "me" left? Why can't there be some things just for me? Is that so selfish? Actually, that's the definition of selfish.
Have you given your code to anyone? No one's ever asked.
Do you want it? It's Jor-EI.
- Superman's father on Krypton.
- Of course.
Come on, Georgie, you know you wanna tell me.
It's eating you up inside.
Sing it, sister.
No.
No, I am not giving my code to anyone for any reason.
What if my life depended on it? If you're in some situation where fast cash will save your life l'll give you the code.
- What's the matter with your leg? - My foot fell asleep.
- How did your foot fall asleep? - I crossed my legs.
I forgot to alternate.
- Hey, Jerry, George.
- Hey, Fred.
- Hey, Freddie.
- Foot fell asleep.
You're lucky.
At least you got something to do.
- Hey, Fred, do you know Elaine? - No.
Nice to meet you.
Well, I'm out of here.
See you, guys.
- All right, Fred.
- See you.
Did you hear that? He said, "Nice to meet you.
" - So? - So we've met before.
At Katie Ash's party.
We talked for, like, 10 minutes.
And he didn't remember you? - Where are you going? - I gotta go talk to him.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, Fred.
- Yeah.
- Hi.
You just said, "Nice to meet you," but actually we've met before.
- We have? - Yeah.
Yeah, at Katie Ash's party.
What was your name again? Elaine.
You don't remember our conversation? I talked about how my uncle worked in the book depository building with Lee Harvey Oswald.
Not ringing a bell.
When my uncle said to him, "The president's been shot" Oswald winked at him and said, "I'm gonna go catch a movie.
" - No.
- Right when we were in front of the bathroom door.
- The bathroom door.
I remember someone had played tic-tac-toe on it and the X's won.
They went diagonally from the top left to the bottom right.
Sounds great.
I'd love to do some TV commercials.
That should really be fun.
Okay.
All right, bye.
How do you like that? I'm gonna do TV spots for Leapin' Larry's Appliance Store.
That was Leapin' Larry himself.
I'm gonna meet him tomorrow.
Leapin' Larry.
That's where I bought this.
- What is that? - It's an emergency-band scanner.
It picks up everything: Fires, harbour patrol, even the police.
I'm watching the watchers, Jerry.
We got a big fire on 115th.
I tell you, if I could do it over again, I'd give it all up to be a fireman.
Yeah, those civil servants who risk their lives really got it made.
Yeah.
When I was a kid, all I ever dreamed of was steering the back of that big hook-and-ladder.
You're lucky they let you drive a car.
No, no, no.
They're taking the West Side Highway.
At this time of day? That's insane.
They're heading straight into gridlock.
Oh, those fools.
What was that? All right.
So get a load of this.
This guy, Fred Yerkes remembers every little thing about that night except me.
Really? I'm surprised.
He doesn't meet that many women.
So, what are you saying? What's to be said.
He didn't remember you.
Yeah, but why? I mean you know.
I know.
- You know? - Yeah, I know.
- You got the new catalogue.
- Yeah.
Good piece on the Himalayan Walking Shoe.
- Too good.
Peterman was so pleased now he wants to take me out to dinner tomorrow.
- Maybe you wanna come.
- Why would I wanna do that? Please, Jerry.
Please, please, please.
I can't sit with him.
He tells these stories.
It's gonna be awful.
Yeah, sounds like fun.
I want you to tell me, George.
Why? Why is my code so important? Because it's part of our relationship.
It's an indication of trust.
We're not supposed to keep secrets from one another.
I'm sure you have secrets from me.
I don't know anything about your cycles.
- My cycles? - I never know what's going on there.
Well, from now on, I'll keep you apprised of my cycles.
- Please.
- Anything else? We're out of Bosco.
How about this? "Come on down to Leapin' Larry's.
If you beat our prices, we'll give you the store.
" You know, I've always liked your comedy.
- You don't take cheap shots.
- No, I don't.
I'm sorry for keeping you so long.
Again, I apologize for the mess.
This renovation is killing me.
My foot's asleep again.
When I lost my leg in the boating accident last year I got so depressed about this damn prosthetic I thought I was gonna have to give up the business.
But now, I'm rejuvenated.
Let me show you around the store.
You know what, I'll be with you in a minute.
That is a great impression.
Larry, wait, you don't understand.
I just came from Leapin' Larry's.
What, making fun of crippled people? Is that what you've sunk to? No, I didn't do it on purpose.
My foot fell asleep.
Oh, your foot fell asleep.
You know, the guy has one leg and he still calls himself Leapin' Larry.
You'd think he'd have a sense of humour.
You just joked yourself out of that commercial, didn't you, munjamba? Yeah.
Oh, boy.
Look at that.
See, that's that fire I was listening to yesterday.
The whole building burned down.
They just don't know what street to take.
Remember I got us to Yankee Stadium in rush hour in 15 minutes? - Of course.
- It's all up here, Jerry.
All up here.
It's innate.
The amazing thing is you never have any place to go.
Where are we gonna eat? We're gonna meet Elaine and Peterman at the Chinese place.
Nobody mentioned anything about Peterman.
If I did, would you have gone? - No way.
- There you go.
I don't even know Peterman.
Now how am I gonna relax? I'm gonna have to be on all night.
I don't like being on, Jerry.
I'd much rather be off.
Trust me, you're off.
Oh, hi, Fred.
Hello.
- It's Elaine.
- Oh, yeah.
Right.
- Yeah.
How you doing? - I'm depressed.
I got this new shirt.
The button fell off.
Once the button falls off, that's it.
I'll never fix it.
- Yeah, that's too bad.
- Yeah, I'm gonna get some vitamins.
- I feel depleted.
- I never take them.
They make you nauseous, right? Yeah.
Yeah, that's right.
You remembered.
Do you wanna have dinner tonight? - Tonight? - What, you have other plans? No, no, no.
None that I can remember.
All right.
You're locked up in a prison in Turkey.
I have your wallet.
The only way I can bribe the guards to get you out is for you to give me your ATM code.
- Call the embassy.
- They're closed.
- Why? - Bomb threat.
- We're in Turkey? - Midnight Express, my friend.
My card won't work.
They're not on the PLUS system.
You must be Jerry Seinfeld.
Yes.
Hi, Mr.
Peterman.
This is George Costanza.
J.
Peterman.
J.
Crew.
So is Elaine here? Oh, Elaine just called.
She won't be joining us.
But not to worry.
I'll tell the maitre d' it'll just be the three bulls.
What? He still wants to have dinner with us? - Without Elaine? What for? - What is he, crazy? Oh, we gotta get out of here.
Come on, weave your web, liar-man.
- I got nothing.
L I'm blank.
- Come on, George what's the matter with you? - I'm choking.
Oh, Fong has been most accommodating.
- Shall we? - Actually, I just remembered I promised this comedy club that I'd do a set tonight.
- I'm terribly sorry.
- I understand.
No hard feelings.
George and I will miss your company.
Fong, it will just be two this evening.
Well, George we dine.
I can't believe this.
This guy's standing me up? And there, tucked into the river's bend, was the object of my search the Guangia River Market.
Fabrics and spices traded under a starlit sky.
It was there that I discovered the Pamplona Beret.
Sizes seven and a half through eight and three quarters.
Price, $35.
What about sports? You follow sports? It's fourth and inches and the Giants are going for it.
You've gotta love sports.
You know, this is very nice, but I really could take a cab, really Nonsense, George.
Besides, it gives me a chance to tell you about my trip to Burma.
I discovered a very unusual corduroy.
Peterman here.
What? Oh, no.
All right.
I'll be right there.
It's my mother.
She's at death's door.
- What? - I just pray to God we can make it there in time.
I can't believe you blew us off.
We did you a fav our.
Well, Fred asked me out.
- Fred? - Yeah, and then he stood me up.
I don't get this guy.
You see what's going on here.
You're attracted to him because he can't remember you.
I am? But that's so sick.
That's God's plan.
He doesn't really want anyone to get together.
Anyway, so how was the dinner? Well, when I heard you weren't coming I made an excuse and got the hell out of there.
What about Georgie? He didn't make it.
- Doctor, how is she? - She's too weak to talk.
- She'll be happy to hear you.
- Mama, it's me, Jacobo.
I'm here for you, Mama.
I'm George Costanza.
I was having dinner with your son.
Shake off the dew, my friend.
Oh, man.
- What time is it? - It's morning.
Thanks for seeing me through the night.
I'll make us a pot of coffee, George.
Watch her, won't you? - Who? - Mama.
Just talk to her, George.
The doctor seems to think it helps.
Hi.
You know, l l I really should be getting back to my fiancee.
You know, we We had this big fight yesterday and, well, she wants to know my secret code.
I don't know.
I can't tell her.
The funny thing is, you know, I would really love to tell someone because it's killing me.
You wanna know what it is? It's Bosco.
You know, the chocolate syrup.
I love that stuff.
I pour it in milk.
It's my favourite drink.
Boy, that is a relief.
Bosco.
Bosco.
- Bosco.
- Mama? - Quiet, quiet.
It's a secret.
- Bosco! Bosco! - Shut up.
It's a secret.
- Mama, what are you trying to say? Bosco.
She's gone.
Bosco? This never would have happened if you hadn't bailed out on me.
- I did not bail out on you.
Why couldn't you include me in your excuse? Why didn't you come up with your own? I froze.
- I think I'm losing it.
- Oh, come on.
- Maybe you're just in a slump.
- No, no.
I reached down and there was nothing there.
Now Peterman wants me to go to the funeral.
Oh, come on, just tell me your code already.
What is it? I am not giving you my code.
- I bet I can guess it.
- Yeah, right.
Oh, all right.
Yeah.
Let's see.
Well, we can throw out birthdays immediately.
That's too obvious.
And no numbers for you.
You're a word man.
All right.
Let's go deeper.
What kind of man are you? Well, you're weak, spineless.
A man of temptations.
But what tempts you? You're a portly fellow a little long in the waistband.
So, what's your pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No, no, no.
Yours is a sweet tooth.
- Get out of here.
- Oh, you may stray but you'll always return to your dark master the cocoa bean.
- I'm leaving.
- And only the purest syrup nectar can satisfy you.
- I gotta go.
If you could, you'd guzzle it by the gallon.
- Ovaltine, Hershey's, Nestle's Quik.
- Shut up! Shut up! - What was that? - What? You just checked your watch.
Are you thinking of bailing? I got a date.
- Oh, Mr.
Peterman.
- Oh, Elaine.
George.
When Mama said "Bosco" she must have been communicating something.
Her legacy.
A dying wish, perhaps.
Mothers say things.
My mother goes babbling on and on like a crazy person.
Mr.
Peterman you have my deepest sympathies.
Unfortunately, I've gotta get going.
- You do? - Yes, actually we both do.
I have a personal commitment.
- Well, personal I mean, we both - What is it? I'm speaking at a woman's rights conference.
Yes, and I'm speaking at a men's conference.
I don't believe that for a minute.
- Elaine, it was good of you to stop by.
- My pleasure.
Fortunately, I still have George here to help me through this.
You know, George, growing up as a boy in Costa Rica I heard a rumour that Mama had taken a lover.
Perhaps Bosco was this man's name.
You wanna come to the fire station with me? - Fire station? - Yeah, I made a map of my shortcuts.
I'm gonna rock their world.
I gotta go down to Leapin' Larry's.
- He took you back? - Yeah, we straightened it out.
- All is forgiven.
- You know the important thing is that you learned something.
No, I didn't.
Well, Mr.
Kramer, your list of shortcuts is most impressive.
This is just the Upper West Side.
Wait until I get to the Village.
Then you're gonna see a magic show.
Mr.
Kramer, almost every week some hothead like yourself saunters in here talking about faster routes and snazzier colours for the truck.
- Well, l The fact is, we feel things are fine the way they are.
Thanks for having me back and sorry about the misunderstanding.
Water under the bridge.
Come on.
I never did get a chance to show you around the store.
Oh, sure.
Oh, again.
I'll be right there.
Attention, company 390.
Structure fire at Leapin' Larry's Appliance Warehouse.
Leapin' Larry's? Hey, that's uptown.
You gotta take Amsterdam.
- Stay out of this, Kramer.
- All right, men, let's move it.
Pull those doors.
Move.
Move.
Giddyup.
Are you okay, cowboy? - Where do you need to go? - I drive the back of the truck.
You'd better take it easy.
All right, 48, let's go.
Let's go! Sorry about the other night.
My mother called.
She couldn't find her pills.
I had to go into Brooklyn help her find the pills and they were right in the medicine cabinet.
Could you believe that? The worst part is getting from the subway station to the house.
There's no transportation.
What am I doing? I'm on a date with this guy because he didn't remember me? He's demented.
Listen to him.
I could take a cab, but if my mother saw me in a cab, she would yell at me: "Freddie, what are you taking a cab for? It's so expensive.
" She's out of her mind.
Eventually, you'll meet her.
Bosco.
Bosco.
Bosco.
There's a big fire down the street.
The whole block is going up in flames.
George.
We're gonna make a left onto Broadway.
No, I would advise against that.
- Who is this? - It's Kramer.
Kramer? What are you doing back there? Desota's down, but Cosmo's got the caboose.
- How did this start? - Beats me.
Where the hell is the fire department? I'm gonna lose the whole store.
Kramer, get the hell out of there.
You're not trained to operate this equipment.
- Hey, Kramer! - Hey! Pay attention, Kramer! Hey, try the scanner.
See if you can pick up anything.
What are you doing, Kramer? You're all over the road.
- Don't worry, cap, I can handle it.
- Kramer? You're losing control.
Hard right! Hard right! We're never gonna to mak e it! That's a shame.
This fire's gonna eat up this entire block.
George, look.
There's a man in there.
Get out.
You're in danger.
My sleeve, it's stuck in the machine.
It ate my card.
George, give me your ATM card.
I don't have my ATM card.
George, you're obviously lying.
Anyone can see that.
It's jammed.
I'll slide it under the door.
- Now give me your code.
- What? Why? The machine won't open without the code.
- George, give him your code.
- But l George, there's no time.
Tell him your code.
Shout out your code, man.
Code! The code! Hi.
- Here's your cash, George.
- Thanks.
And here's your card back.
Anyone for Bosco? Oh, my God.
- Look at this.
- What? It's the new J.
Peterman catalogue.
Look, look.
"The Rogue's Wallet.
It's where he kept his card, his dirty little secret.
Short, devious, balding his name was Costanza.
He killed my mother.
"