Frasier s07e08 Episode Script

I can't believe how cold it is in here.
Niles, the climate control is on.
It's perfectly comfortable.
Oh, really? Touch your tongue to the seat belt.
I dare you.
I'm starting to regret I even asked you to this exhibit.
I wanted to invite Regan, but after the disaster I made of our first date, I just felt too ashamed to even ask.
Well, you can't avoid her forever.
She's your neighbor.
Ask her again.
What's the worst thing that could happen? She'd ask me to stop harassing her, which means I'd have to spend the next six months riding in the service elevator with Guillermo and his three-legged cat.
How is little Wobbles? Fine.
I see what you're doing, Niles! Listen, if you're so cold, there is a scarf in the glove compartment.
Oh, really? I thought that's where you kept the butter and the eggs.
Well, now it's burning up in here! Oh I'm just going to take this thing off.
Are you insane? No.
Well, at least wait until we've stopped.
You're going to get us killed! Take the wheel.
I'll take the wheel, but Frasier, stop.
No.
It's almost off.
No, I mean brake! Brake! Are you all right? Yes.
Thank heaven your fistsoftened the blow of the airbag.
Hurt your nose? Yes.
That's what I figured.
Right when you came in, I said, "That guy hurt his nose.
" So how did you, uh, you know? Excuse me.
Yes, hello, this is, uh, Dr.
Frasier Crane here.
I was just wondering I filled out my paperwork about half an hour ago.
They'll call you.
We're seeing people in order of importance.
Oh, really? Well, you know, I do have my own radio show.
The importance of the injury.
Yes, of course.
Do you know-- are there any plastic surgeons on call? Oh, Niles, that's not necessary.
You can't be too careful.
It could be broken.
Don't worry-- the best plastic surgeons in town have their offices here: Dr.
Rabb, Dr.
Karnofsky and Dr.
Burke.
Karnofsky? Mel Karnofsky? That's right.
Maris' plastic surgeon.
Oh.
Would you believe that charlatan is still picking my pocket a year after my divorce? Good Lord, for what? Oh, for Maris' Botox injections.
You know, they use those botulinum toxins and put it in the forehead, and it deadens the muscles and takes away the wrinkles.
I gave it to her as a gift one year for our anniversary.
Oh, yes, probably your tenth.
That's toxins, isn't it? Anyway, Karnofsky keeps billing me for her follow-up injections.
Good Lord.
So, you're divorced, huh? Yes.
Me, too.
I'm Phil.
Hello.
Came home one day and Oh, hell, I probably shouldn't even talk about it.
Okay.
You know, Niles, seeing as how we're here, why don't you go find this Karnofsky and straighten the whole thing out? No, no, I can't leave you here injured.
That's all right, Niles, I'll be fine.
If you're sure I may just pay Dr.
Karnofsky a visit.
You know, it really is outrageous what these scalpel jockeys get away with-- convincing women like Maris to spend fortunes on their exterior when frankly, what they need is to take a good look at the woman inside.
Right.
Well, she did have one chemical peel where you could see her kidneys for a while.
That's very funny.
Off you go.
Good luck, Niles.
Thank you.
(sighing) Not a pretty woman, my wife, but when she danced, you couldn't keep your eyes off her.
You know, actually, I'm feeling a lot better.
Good-bye.
Frasier Crane.
Frasier Crane, we're ready to see you.
That's me.
Ah, Dr.
Karnofsky, I see you've finally decided to make time for me.
Sorry.
I'm from Records.
I was told to bring over Maris Crane's files.
That's this year.
Dr.
Crane? NILES: Yes.
I'm so sorry to keep you waiting.
Melinda Karnofsky.
Oh, uh yes, of course.
Niles Crane.
Uh about this billing issue (clears throat) Oh.
Oh, my God, this box is filthy.
Uh, yes.
The problem is I have received three invoices over the past six months.
Yes.
I'm so sorry about that, and I I'm so sorry about (coughing): all this dust.
Do you mind? I'll have to turn on my hepa filter.
Oh you have a hepa (gasping): You have a Svenson! Yes! They're great, aren't they? Not to mention impossible to get in this country.
I've tried! Well, I once did a favor for Mrs.
Svenson.
Oh, it's a long story.
I'm all ears.
So was she.
Anyway, I've spoken to the accounting department about your bill, and it was clearly our mistake.
Please accept my apology.
We'll take care of it.
Oh.
I-I appreciate that.
Bye-bye.
Thank you.
Oh Ooh, I like that print very much.
Hmm? Everything all right? I'm sorry.
I just noticed a smudge on my jacket.
Well, it's barely noticeable.
You're being kind.
I got that print at the last museum show.
Oh! I thought you looked familiar.
Uh, perhaps I've seen you there.
Oh, perhaps.
I go to all of the openings.
I'm-I'm on the museum board.
Really? Well, congratulations.
All the exhibits this year have been (sighing) perfection.
Thank you.
I, uh I-I particularly like the Picasso.
I'm a big fan of his-his cubist period.
Oh, striking, isn't she? Yes, I'd like to think if she'd come in here, I could actually have helped her.
You must think I'm terribly fussy.
(wistfully): Yes.
Well, anyway, it was very nice meeting you.
Oh, likewise.
(intercom buzzes) WOMAN (over intercom): Dr.
Karnofsky, Mrs.
Maggarshack has a question for you in room three.
HelenMaggarshack? Oh, I really can't say.
Oh, right.
She's finally having it removed? Why did she wait? I don't know.
I found '98.
Uh, actually, that's all been settled.
Uh, can you tell me do you know, is is that her husband? No.
She's divorced.
That's her son.
Really? Dr.
Karnofsky's so young, she must have had him when she was a child.
Okay.
Oh! Oh, is there is there something else? Uh no.
All right.
Uh, no.
Well MEL: Yes? Mel, uh, I was wondering, uh Ooh.
Oh.
(chuckling) Uh, I, uh, uh This is a little awkward Oh, thank you.
I, uh, uh I'm not really sure how to ask Uh I think I know what it is.
Uh-huh? And you've got no reason to be nervous.
Oh, really? Yes.
Just a few quick injections, and those nasty little wrinkles in your forehead, they'll disappear.
Well, thatis what you were going to ask, isn't it? (laughing): Yes.
Well, it's a very simple procedure, although your forehead will be numb for a while.
I can fit you in at, uh, 4:30.
Oh, good.
That gives me time to do something I need to do.
Excellent.
(doorbell rings) DAPHNE: Hello, Dr.
Crane.
NILES: Hello, Daphne.
I was on my way home.
I thought I'd see how the patient was doing.
Oh, I'm fine, thank you, Niles.
You have no idea how guilty I'm feeling.
I suppose he told you it was my fist that struck the inadvertent yet powerful blow.
So, how did things go with the nefarious Dr.
Karnofsky? Did you give him a piece of your mind? Actually, "he" turned out to be a "she," and quite a reasonable "she" at that.
Really? That's quite a turnabout.
Yes, well Dr.
Crane, don't move.
Why? There's a mosquito.
Where? On your forehead.
Oh, get off, get off, get off.
It's already gone.
Oh.
Oh, dear, it looks like it bit you.
Oh, right.
Ow! Niles, wrinkle your forehead for me, will you? Why would I do that? Just do it.
Wrinkle your forehead.
I'm not your marionette! You got a Botox injection! You've got a forehead full of poison right now, don't you? I do not! Oh, that's strange.
The mosquito fell right out of the air dead.
What's a Botox injection? Oh, it's a cosmetic procedure they use to eliminate facial wrinkles.
Oh, great, my kids are having plastic surgery.
That's a nice age to get to.
I can't believe you let Maris' witch doctor work her magic on you.
Mel is a perfectly lovely person.
In fact, I was screwing up my courage to ask her out on a date when she noticed this little flaw, and I lost my nerve.
Yes and most of the feeling in your face, as well.
Dr.
Crane, look.
Your picture's on the news.
Turn it up, Dad, turn it up.
After checking into the hospital with what appeared to be minor injuries from a fender bender, radio psychiatrist Frasier Crane died suddenly today.
I'm sure I speak for all of us here at KYOL when I say he will be sorely missed.
But this rain won't be missed, will it, Flip?! Dear God! What the hell? That's unbelievable! Outrageous! As it turns out, after I left the hospital, some poor devil used my name to jump the line and he dropped dead of a heart attack.
Oh.
I must say, it does feel a bit strange having plunged all of Seattle-- albeit temporarily-- into so much grief.
I know I'll never forget where I was when I heard you had died.
I was out on the street, and there was this crowd watching a television through a department store window Mm-hmm.
and before I knew it, we were weeping and hugging each other That's very amusing, Roz.
And then it began to rain, and I had this feeling that all the angels were crying.
Yes, all right, Roz! Hey, Roz.
Fras, did you see this? Yes, as a matter of fact, I did.
It's my obituary.
They printed it? Yes, they must have picked it up off the wire last night before the news ran that correction.
MARTIN: Jimmy gave it to me at McGinty's.
Boy, everybody was so nice to me, buying me beers and everything, you know, because of the shock I went through, thinking I'd lost my son.
Dad, what are you talking about? You never thought I was dead.
Well, people don't have to know that.
I mean, I could have been at home alone wondering where you were, and I get this strange, uneasy feeling, so I turn on the TV, and there it is on the screen: the face of my dead son.
I was sitting right beside you! Well, what the hell kind of story is that? It's the truth! Well, the truth doesn't put anything on a coaster.
Well, that's something for your scrapbook, huh? Your own obituary.
Yes, well you know, frankly, it's it's a little upsetting.
I don't think they meant to be insulting.
Youare"lovably pompous.
" Well, no, it's not that.
Not that.
It's just, you know, seeing my life in black and white.
It just all looks a little incomplete.
What do you mean? Well, I was going to do so much with my life.
I was going to write a novel and run for public office.
I was going to do my own translation of Freud.
Well, what's stopping you? You're not actually dead.
I guess you're right, Roz.
I'm not dead, am I? You know, maybe that's a good way of looking at this, actually.
More of a-a wake-up call.
Dr.
Crane, I was so relieved to hear that you were all right.
Oh, thank you.
I heard the news and I thought, "What a shame.
Why, he is such a young man.
" That's so nice of you.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
God, you know, you're right.
What am I doing frittering away my day here in this coffee house? You know what? I've got things to do.
I've got fresh worlds to conquer.
I'm going to go out there and grab life by the scruff.
Look out, destiny, here I come.
(thunder rumbling) Oh, well, it's really coming down out there.
DAPHNE: What happened to your clothes? Did you spill something on yourself? Oh, no, no.
I'm-I'm going jogging later.
No need to be sarcastic.
Just give me the clothes, and I'll do another load.
No, I'm serious, Daphne.
I plan to go running just after I finish my obituary.
You see, it's a self-actualizing exercise.
You see, you write your obituary the way you'd like it to appear years from now, of course, and then it helps you to focus your goals.
You see, here they are-- all my hopes and dreams.
These are dreams, all right.
(laughs) "Dr.
Crane came late to athletics.
"He became a fixture in the Seattle marathon, "the America's Cup Yacht Race as well as the Kentucky Derby.
" (laughing) A jockey at your size? You better start writing an obituary for the horse.
Very amusing, Daphne.
I meant as a stable owner.
Hey, Fras, what'd you do, spill something on your clothes? No, no, I'm going jogging later.
Well, there's no need to get sarcastic about it.
I'm serious, Dad.
I mean, I have to start somewhere if I plan to run a marathon.
Oh! We got a new basket? Hickory Farms.
Yeah, that one came this afternoon.
Dad, we agreed we were going to send back all the condolence baskets intact.
Yeah, I know, I know but, you know, if a can of pecans falls out here and there, who's going to notice? Oh, by the way, guess who I ran into? That friend of yours from next door, Regan.
Really? MARTIN: Yeah.
You know, she was pretty relieved to hear you weren't dead.
I don't know, maybe there's still something going on there.
Oh, I don't know, Dad.
I'd like to believe that, but I'm just too much of a realist.
(doorbell rings) Tell that to the two million people a year who visit Frasierland.
(laughs) FRASIER: It's a Web site.
It teaches children about psychiatry.
Hey, Dad, I can't stay.
I just realized I think I left my cell phone here last night.
Oh, yeah, I did see it somewhere.
Let's have a look.
Hey, why are you wearing running clothes? He won't tell us.
DAPHNE: Oh, here it is.
It was buried back here underneath all these baskets.
Oh, Daph, look what you did! Rooting around in there, you poked a hole right through this Hickory Farms basket! We can't send it back now.
Thank you, Daphne.
FRASIER: Niles? Yeah.
Is that a bandage sticking out of your shirt? Oh, where? Well, right there.
Oh, yes.
I-I cut myself shaving.
What, on the back of your neck? You went to see Karnofsky again, didn't you? Yes, I did.
I I was going to ask her out again, but I-I got all flustered when I I caught her staring at this grotesque carbuncle.
Carbuncle? You mean that minuscule mole of yours? Well, to you.
I-I've always been self-conscious about it.
I've made many a hasty wine selection because I felt the sommelier staring down Oh, Niles, please.
Why don't you just knock this off? Isn't it time you just asked the woman out? Frasier, I-I'm-I'm just waiting until the moment's right.
Like you did with Daphne? Oh, Niles, I am sorry.
It's just that I'd like to see you do this while I can still pick you out of a crowd.
You know, I've got tickets for the opera tonight.
Why don't you ask her to join you? Oh, I don't know.
FRASIER: Oh, come on.
Take a cue from me.
I am completely reinventing myself.
You know what-- if I can learn a new language and-and climb mountains and write a best-seller, well, then surely you can ask this woman out.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a marathon to train for.
Oh! Are you all right, Fras? FRASIER: I'm fine.
Wh-what happened? Well, I think he tripped on one of these baskets.
Well, did you break anything? FRASIER: I don't think so.
Because, you know, if you broke it, there's no point in sending this one back, either.
Oh, dear God.
(chuckling): Hey, look at you.
Oh, they gave you a sweet one.
All shiny, no scuffs.
Still has that new cane smell.
If you play your cards right, I might let you take it for a spin around the lobby, all right? So, what'd they say? Oh, just a little sprain.
It's going to take a couple of weeks.
You know, I guess I'm going to have to rethink my life's plan a bit.
Oh, you're going to be doing all this stuff? Well, of course, Dad.
Why wouldn't I? Oh, I don't know, it just seems all so complicated.
The first one you tried was kind of a bust.
Yes, all right.
Well, you know what? I've just got to scale things back a little bit, set my sights on more attainable goals.
Well, for instance, here.
"Visit South America.
" That's in.
"Discover the lost treasure of the Incas.
" That's out.
"Take up rafting.
" That's in.
"Retrace Lewis and Clark's route.
" That's out.
And this perpetual motion stuff-- all this can go.
(doorbell rings) Daphne! Oh, no, she's out for the whole evening.
You're going to have to get it yourself.
Oh, all right.
Come on, let's see how that thing handles the corners.
Come on, open her up! (laughing) Oh Oh! Frasier, I'd like you to meet Dr.
Mel Karnofsky.
Well, I can't tell you what a pleasure this is.
Hello.
NILES: I believe you have some opera tickets for us? FRASIER: Yes, I do.
Oh, uh, Mel, this is my father, Martin.
MEL: Oh, hello.
Hi.
How are you? FRASIER: Here we are.
Oh, thank you.
We're very grateful for this.
Niles and I happen to be such huge fans of Puccini.
Speaking of which, here's our own little pooch-ini.
Oh, well! Oh, well! You're a darling! Yes! Oh, he's wonderful.
Yes.
Oh So, where are you two having dinner? Bel Canto.
We have a table on the terrace.
The terrace? Well, I didn't know they had a terrace.
Really? Oh, well, I guess you have to know the owner.
But we'd better be going.
I've pre-ordered our chocolate soufflï¿©s, and they'll be ready at 7:30 precisely.
FRASIER: Well, off you go, then.
Just remember, Niles, nothing puts on love handles faster than chocolate souffle.
Oh, well, you know, no one takes them off faster than I do.
That's that's very funny.
Lovely meeting you.
Well, she seems a bit much.
What do you mean? Well, you know, picking the restaurant, dining on the terrace.
"You have to know the owner.
" Doesn't she remind you of someone? Yeah.
You.
I was talking about Maris.
MARTIN: Oh, come on.
Don't you think you're overreacting a little bit? I mean, Niles sure seems happy.
Oh, I guess you're right, Dad.
Besides, I've got a lot to accomplish this evening.
I'm going to start on my Russian language tapes.
(chuckles) What? What is it, Dad? What? Nothing.
What? Don't you think I can do any of these things? No, I think you can do anything you put your mind to, Frasier.
You always have.
Thank you, Dad.
I just wonder about all these projects.
Well, as I said, I am streamlining.
You know, I think what you discovered this week was that something's missing from your life, and before you start to fill it up with everything but the kitchen sink, I thought you ought to just ask yourself, "What do I really want? What is really going to make me happy now?" Well, that's weird.
I suddenly feel like having a beer.
Regan, it's me, Frasier.
Hey, baby, I hear the blues a'callin' Tossed salads and scrambled eggs Quite stylish And maybe I seem a bit confused Well, maybe, but I got you pegged (laughing) But I don't know what to do With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs They're callin' again.
Good night!