Home Improvement s07e08 Episode Script

Does everybody know what time it is? Tool Time! That's right.
Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Hey.
Thank you.
Thank you all.
Oh, please.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, Heidi, and welcome to Tool Time.
I am hm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Of course, you all know my assistant, Al Borland.
Wow.
We have a very special show for you today.
Tim and I are proud to be building something for my church.
Thank you, Heidi.
This cabinet will become a place for the piscina.
Be very careful.
They're won'th a lot of money, especially the old piscinas.
You gotta make sure the piscina fits.
The new modern piscinas aren't as nice as the old piscinas, but be careful.
You have no idea what a piscina is, do you, Tim? No.
A piscina is a special basin used in the disposal of baptismal water, - leftover wine - And maybe those annoying oils? - Anointing oils.
- Those, too.
So, basically, it's a sink.
It's not an ordinary sink.
See, it has no faucets.
So, it's not even as good as a sink.
Why don't you take that up with our special guest? Let's have a warm Tool Time welcome for the minister of the St.
Stephens Episcopal Church.
Heidi, my minister please, Father Mike Weber.
Father, it's really good to have you on this show.
I wonder how you feel being the first holy man to ever be on Tool Time.
Well, I'm not basking in the glory.
I just hope I get out alive.
You don't have much to worry about, since you have an in with the big guy.
And I'm not talking about Al.
Father, I was trying to explain to Tim exactly what a piscina is.
- Would you care to elaborate? - It's a sink.
The difference is, it's a sink that's been blessed.
So, you need to find a blessed plumber.
That's hard.
"Oh, Father, forgive me.
I've overcharged.
Your trap wasrt stuck at all.
" You don't need a plumber, actually, Tim.
It's a very simple concept.
It's a basin, with a pipe that goes directly into the ground so that the sacred fluids go right back into the earth.
The piscina is a thousand year old tradition in the church and it's symbolic of many wondrous miracles.
Thank you, Father.
The most wonderful miracle is, it's so simple to install, even you can't destroy it.
We'll finish our installation here.
We really appreciate this.
Al, thank you so much.
Our pleasure.
We're very excited about receiving it on Sunday.
Is there a special prayer you have when a sacred object is destroyed? Yes, there is.
You break it, you buy it.
Breathe in and out.
And in and out.
Beautiful.
Now, every yoga session ends with a very special sensation.
Pain? Inner peace.
This exercise is Uncle Wilsors favorite.
It's called Shava-asana.
Lie down in the position of a corpse.
You guys had some of Mom's meatloaf, huh? I heard that.
- Hey, Tim.
- Hello, Willow.
You ever try yoga? Nope.
No matter what they do to it, it still doesn't taste like ice cream.
Well, I hope you guys enjoyed your first session.
Yeah, I loved it.
It's the first time I've ever seen the back of my neck.
Now that you've seen it, wash it.
- See you guys.
- Where you going? To school to sign up to volunteer at the hospice home.
It's great you're doing it, but working with people who are dying isn't gonna be easy.
I know, but think how tough things are for them.
I could have never handled this at your age.
It's really cool.
Dad, this isn't about cool.
The concept of hospice is an alternative to the medical establishment.
Which is a greedy, doctor-controlled bureaucracy that's death-oriented instead of life-oriented.
They never heat up those rubber gloves, either.
What will you be doing at the hospice? I'll be spending my time with a woman named Elaine.
We'll play cards, watch videos.
Why don't you take her some old Tool Time videos? The woman has suffered enough.
Hi, I'm here to see Elaine Jenkins.
You must be Randy.
Elaine's not back from her walk.
Have a seat.
OK.
Well, I was wondering where I left that.
I also misplaced my darn seltzer bottle.
I just keep losing all my props.
- Wilson? - No, no, no, not today.
When I volunteer for the children I am Bubbles the clown.
Oh, Becky, would you like to put these in some water? Bubbles, I don't have any water.
Well, you do now.
I didn't know you volunteered here at the hospice.
- Today's my first day.
- It's a wonderful place.
I think you're gonna get a lot of good stuff out of it.
I don't know.
Ever since I got here I've been nervous.
I don't want to say or do the wrong thing.
Ah.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
You know, Randy, I'm reminded of the Book of Sirach, which says a faithful friend is a medicine for life.
So, I should just relax and try to be supportive? Exactly.
If you want you can always borrow my size 52 clodhoppers.
They're a great icebreaker.
Well, hello, ladies.
How are you? See you, Randy.
- Randy, Elaine's back from her walk.
- Oh.
Hi.
I'm Randy Taylor.
Are you OK? Do you want to sit down? I probably should after that two mile power walk, but she's Elaine.
I work here.
She's my nurse.
I keep telling her to live life and get off her bony butt.
Wow.
You power walk? I also dress myself and cut my own meat.
- I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to - Hey.
I'm having fun with you.
- Arert I allowed to have fun? - Oh, yeah, of course.
Fun, fun, fun! Well, Randy, would you like to see this place? Sure.
I'm dying to.
I mean, I'd love to.
- This is home.
- It's very nice.
Thank you.
Is this your family? Yes.
That's my son, Steven and my daughter, Nancy.
- Both asked me to move in with them.
- Why didn't you? Well, one lives in California and one lives in Florida.
I hate surfing and old people.
You know, the worst is old people who surf.
Get out of my pipeline.
I'm surfing here.
I am staying here in Detroit until the Lions win a Super Bowl.
You're gonna be here awhile.
I'm counting on it.
You know, Randy, when the doctors diagnosed me with cancer, they said I only had six months to live.
That was three years ago.
- That's fantastic.
- Doctors! What do they know? Tell me about it.
They run 400 tests, come up with their expert diagnosis, toss people in the hospital for thousands of dollars.
If they're not sick enough to die, they've got no money left to live.
You seem a little bitter.
I've been reading about the health care crisis in this country.
It just makes me really mad.
It is so refreshing to meet a young person who has such strong convictions and beliefs.
I've been questioning a lot of things lately.
Corruption of the political establishment, lack of ethics in corporate America, hypocrisy of organized religion.
There are just so many things in this world that people follow blindly.
Never be a follower.
You stick to your guns and don't ever lose your fire.
You sure haven't lost yours.
Well, that's what keeps me going.
That, and hiding props from that annoying clown.
Oh, hi.
How did it go at the hospice? Unbelievable.
Elaine was so full of life.
She was an inspiration.
Speaking of inspiration, Al has invited us to his church this Sunday.
They're honoring your father's sink.
It's not a sink.
It's an extremely religious basin.
It's called a Pasadena.
Look, uh I don't want to make a big deal out of this, but I'm not going Sunday.
- Do you have to work at the hospice? - No.
Does going to Al's church make you a little uncomfortable? No.
Going to any church makes me uncomfortable.
I've been thinking and I just realized organized religion doesn't make any sense to me.
It doesn't make any sense to anyone, but they still go to church.
Randy, this family's always gone to church together.
I know, but for a long time I've been questioning why I'm there.
Question all you want to, as long as your butt's in that pew.
Dad, I just believe people can experience God in different ways.
Does this have anything to do with the hospice? Yeah.
Being there reminded me how important it is to question things.
The answers don't have anything to do with organized religion.
I think it's great that you're examining your life on a deeper level.
Are you sure that you want to abandon everything you've believed in? - Especially a religion.
- Dad, I'm not abandoning God.
It's just, sitting in that church goes against my convictions and beliefs.
Convictions and beliefs? What do they have to do with religion? What makes Randy think he can get away with not going to church? I don't think he's trying to get away with anything.
Randy's wrestling with major philosophical issues.
We can't force him to share our beliefs.
We're gonna have to be open-minded and allow him to find his own.
What if he starts believing something we don't like? What if he joins a cult that worships chicken parts? He'll never go hungry.
I don't think this is real funny, Jill.
What is this? You're not exactly Mr.
Religious.
Half the time in church you fall asleep.
But I'm in the building, so I get credit.
Is that what this is about? - That's God's plan.
- God's plan? Yes, you go to church, you get credit.
You fall asleep, you lose a credit.
You understand the sermon, you get extra credit.
If you get enough credits, you can bypass hell and upgrade right to heaven.
That's a real spiritual approach.
My parents forced me to go to church and I'm a better person because of it.
My parents forced me.
I'm a better person in spite of it.
So, either way it works, huh? Man, I'm never doing yoga again.
Hey, Dad, you know a lot about pain.
What do you do for back spasms? I go to church and I don't ask why.
Gin.
One, two.
Well You owe me $362,000.
- Settle for a stick of gum? - No.
Cash or your pants.
I'll owe ya.
You're one heck of a card player.
That's what they said in Vegas.
Before they kicked me out for counting cards.
Luckily, I got a gig driving a truck.
Wait a second.
You drove a big rig? An 18-wheeler.
I met my husband at a truck stop in Reno.
I divorced him at the next one.
- You think that's funny? - Yeah.
No.
- Is any of this true? - Some of it.
- You ever been to Vegas? - Yeah.
Went last year.
Got a fake i.
d.
, hooked up with a showgirl, and won 12 grand.
- Any of that true? - Not a word.
Come in.
Well, hi-ho! Well, clowny, you just come right in here.
I think somebody wants to be entertained.
Well, entertain this.
Great news.
I have a date for Saturday night.
Oh, yeah? Where are you and your mom going? No, no.
My date's name is Gina and I'm gonna be double dating with a friend.
- Hey, Al.
All set.
- There he is.
Right.
Gina can't wait to meet you.
The four of us are going to the Blues Barrel.
I dig the blues.
* Ba da da da dah * I was born on a Monday * Ba da da da dah * It sure was a fun day Hey, this is working.
Now I got the blues.
Wait a minute.
You two are double dating? Why? Don't you think a minister can go have fun? Not with Al.
After the blues club maybe we can go to Mr.
Tasty's for some soft-serve cones.
All right, you wild man! Come on! Gina will love that.
She's big.
All right.
- I'll dig you later.
- We'll have fun Saturday.
- The piscina looks great.
- Thanks.
I hope you and your family come to the dedication.
Yeah, me too.
Um - Can I talk to you for a minute? - Sure.
Want me to bless the flathead? Not today.
I'm having a little trouble with my 15-year-old son.
- Is it serious? - I think so.
He's having a problem with your boss.
The bishop? The boss? Springsteen? His boss.
- Oh, oh.
- Yeah, yeah.
He doesn't want to go to church.
I don't know how to make him.
Make him go? I've got a teenage son.
- Can't make a 15-year-old do anything.
- Yeah.
That's what I'm afraid of.
But if I don't try, then the kid may - Wind up on the wrong path? - Well It's like he's been cruising along 275 in a great line, then all of a sudden he gets off an exit and there he is, on Telegraph.
Yeah.
Potholes, permanent construction.
- I used to race on Telegraph.
- There were some sporting races.
One night some kid took this beautiful Chevelle Super Sport, a '67.
He just corkscrewed off a turn and the idiot wrecked it.
I was there.
I was there, yeah.
That was a cherry car.
The guy must have built it but he couldn't handle it.
No, no, no, he could handle it.
Look.
It was a '68, it was a Nova, and the kid did all Let's talk about Randy! Tell me a bit about him.
- He's a great kid.
- Mm-hmm.
He does stuff I would never think of doing.
At 15 I was always spending time around garages.
Every day Except Sunday morning.
Yeah.
Let me ask you, what kind of stuff does he do in his spare time? Volunteers.
Last year he worked at a soup kitchen.
This year he's volunteering at a hospice house.
- That's very admirable.
- Yeah.
What kind of stuff do you do in your spare time, Tim? Well, I work on the hot rod here.
I'm gonna drop this flathead into a '46 Ford convertible.
- That's gonna cook, man.
- Yeah.
It's kind of funny, you know.
Some people, uh, take their spare time and work on their cars and go to church on Sunday.
Others take their spare time to help their fellow man and then choose not to go to church.
Are you saying I'm not as good a Christian as my kid? - It's not a contest.
- If it were, who would get better odds? Look, I'm not the Lord's bookie.
I'm sure you're familiar with the last words of a typical Episcopalian service? "We're number one!" What I always say is, "Go in peace to love and serve the Lord".
If you think about it, that's what Randy's doing, isn't it? I never thought of it that way.
- He's in good shape.
- Thanks for talking to me.
- OK, sure.
Well, see you Sunday.
- You bet.
Unless I find some other way to do the Lord's work.
Nice try, but I don't think dropping a flathead into a convertible qualifies as the Lord's work.
Unless you donate the car to me.
- See you Sunday.
- See you Sunday.
- Hey, Becky.
- Oh, Randy, hold on a sec.
Elaine can't see anybody today.
- When should I come back? - She took a turn for the worse.
She doesn't want visitors anymore.
But, I mean, come on, it's me.
I'm her gin partner.
I gotta win my money back.
I know.
Listen, she told me to give you this.
So, what did Father Mike say that changed your mind? Well, he made me understand that even though Randy has a problem with organized religion, volunteering is his way of going to church.
- Thought I should be more open-minded.
- That's what I said.
I know, but it had more impact coming from a minister who bar hops with Al.
Just the man I want to talk to.
Randy, hold on a sec.
I think I understand how you feel about not going to church.
That's great, Dad.
- Is there something wrong? - Elaine didn't want to see me.
Why not? Doctor said she took a turn for the worse.
Oh, Randy.
It's amazing.
It's just like yesterday she's sitting there laughing, telling me stories, hiding the whoopee cushion from Wilson.
I know it's not easy, but you knew something like this was gonna happen.
I thought I did.
I guess I convinced myself that my spending time with Elaine would make some kind of difference.
Hey, come on, buddy.
You made a difference.
You brought a lot of happiness into her life.
Yeah, but she's still gonna die.
You know, here I think I have all my beliefs figured out.
It's sure not working for me now.
It's not easy for anybody to understand sickness and death.
We spend our whole lives trying to figure stuff like this out.
I've spent a long time trying to understand why my father died so young.
- How'd you ever get through it? - Patience, grieving, a little bit of prayer.
Maybe I should say a prayer for Elaine.
It would be a good idea.
There's a place where people get together and pray for God's protection.
Dad, I'm not going to church.
I was talking about Tool Time.
This is really cool that you're doing this.
Dad, this isn't about cool.
I mean, the whole s Um Sorry! Dad, this is more than cool.
That's not it, either.
This isn't about cool.
This isn't about cool.
I can't look at him! Just hold that there.