Roseanne s07e08 Episode Script

Are you sure you want to go on this Parents' Weekend? I'll be here all alone.
I'll miss you.
There's a 12-pack chillin' in the fridge.
And you are? Now, don't you go calling Darlene and tipping her off that I'm headed down there.
I want to meet this Jimmy guy she's going with, and I do not want to give her time to sober him up and hide his kids.
Hey! Why aren't you wearing any shoes, boy? I don't want to wear shoes.
Well, you're gonna.
We've been wearing shoes in this family for two generations.
Well, this big kid said he'd beat me up unless I gave him my shoes.
Mark, will you come to school with me tomorrow and beat him up? It wouldn't be a fair fight for me to beat up a 12-year-old.
Why don't you ask David? Don't worry.
I'll teach you how to fight.
I don't want to learn! Uh, Mr.
Conner, uh, do you think you couldpossibly I don't know.
Is there any way you could teach me how to fight, too, maybe? Sure, David.
I could teach you a few things.
Some of the old patented Dan Conner moves.
Whoop! Boom-boom-boom! But that would be wrong.
Why? Well, I-- I have my reasons, and those reasons are plentiful and mysterious.
Okay.
Thanks anyway.
Do I get to know my reasons? Okay.
Darlene's going out with this boxer, right? So David thinks if he gets to be a tough guy that Darlene will want him back.
See, David needs to find somebody that will love him for just being David, you know? He shouldn't have to be thinking about changing.
So while I'm gone, your mission, should you choose to accept, is to make David feel good about being David.
Okay.
By the way, can you tell me some things about being David that he could feel good about? Yeah.
Well, you know, there'shis drawing, you know, his art, and, uh He sits in front of the TV for a long time, so he's got a very good long attention span.
Groovy.
I can work with that.
Good-bye, house! Bye, Mrs.
Conner.
Bye.
Dan, I'll be counting the kids when I come back.
We better not be missing more than a couple of them.
Hey, David, that's really good! What is that, a horse? No, it's not just a horse, Mr.
Conner, It's supposed to represent power and movement and freedom.
See, I'm trying to show the wild spirit that's inside of all of us that we're afraid to acknowledge.
He got a name? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Why don't you move this table saw into the corner, Deej? I don't want to hit my head on anything when you knock me down.
Heh heh heh heh.
Good idea.
We'll stretch first.
You don't have to teach me how to fight.
Oh, son, it's normal to be scared, even for a big, strong guy like you.
But you can't give in to your fear, or you'll be afraid your whole life.
I'm not afraid of this guy.
I know just how to handle him.
Show me.
I'm gonna cry.
You can't cry.
Sure I can.
I can cry real good.
And he'll look pretty stupid hitting a guy who's already crying.
Now, son fighting a bully is just a normal part of growing up and being a man.
So if I never fight him, I'll never be a man? Yeah, you'll be a man.
You'll just be a man without shoes.
Well, I don't want to get hit.
It'll hurt.
Come on, D.
J.
I know a little pain doesn't bother you.
I've seen you go to the doctor to get shots.
I hate getting shots! Is it gonna hurt as much as getting a shot? Damn it, D.
J.
, when everybody finds out that you're not gonna fight, they're gonna come from all over to start picking on you.
The glee club, the chess team, even the geeks that run the projector.
What are you gonna do then? I'll do something.
What? Like what, huh? Stop it.
Make me.
Come on.
What are you gonna do? Fine.
I give up.
See? It works.
[Jackie.]
Hello? [Roseanne.]
Hello? Oh, this is wrong.
I can't believe you've got a key to Darlene's apartment.
Well, it's her own damn fault.
She shouldn't have left her purse laying around the house.
We're just gonna sit quietly and wait, okay? We're not gonna go snooping around.
Oh, God.
What is it? Well, prepare yourself.
It looks like they're serious.
Jimmy keeps his shirt here.
Guy is a monster! Look at the size of that thing! Hey, that's my shirt! She stole that from me.
I told you that guy was a bad influence on her.
Now, you don't know that he's bad.
She hasn't told me one thing about him, so every single thing I know I had to make up myself, and it's all bad, and that is no coincidence.
Roseanne, that's crazy.
If you're gonna be nasty to the guy, he's gonna clam up.
You'll never find out what he's really like.
I'm not going to pounce on him, Jackie.
I want him nice and relaxed when I kill him.
Otherwise, it spoils the meat.
Hey.
Hi.
Surprise! Hi, Aunt Jackie.
What are you doing here? Well, it's Parents' Day, and your birth mother, Morgan Fairchild, couldn't make it.
Oh, so you must be Jimmy.
Yeah.
Who are you? Well, I'm Darlene's mom.
You told me your mother was dead.
Why would you tell me your mother's dead? Stick around.
Well, I guess she's just been trying to keep us apart, Jimmy, and I really don't know why.
I like you already.
I've always had a thing for a guy with pit stains down to his waist.
I just came from ballet class.
Oh, ballet.
Darlene, you never told us he was dancer.
Gee, it seems like maybe you're ashamed of him.
I never said he was dead.
Oh, this one, always with the jokes.
I joke around, too, but I don't believe you have to be mean to be funny.
I always told Darlene I wish I'd met you before you-- you know, passed away.
Oh, yeah, and you would have loved me, Jimmy.
I was a wonderful woman whose greatest satisfaction in life came from talking about the lives of young people.
So let's talk about yours.
She's offering you candy, Jimmy.
Don't get in the car.
You ladies mind if I smoke? Oh, look, Jackie, a smoker.
Oh, boy.
And would you look at the way he handles that thing like he's been doing it since he was 10.
Wait.
So you're cool with this? Oh, yeah.
Hey, if I wasn't pregnant, I'd be sitting there right on that bed gunning sticks with that boy all day long.
All right.
I can play this game, too.
Me and Jimmy will sit around with my cool mom, and we'll all get along great.
I'll order pizza while Mom cleans the bong.
Oh, how very humorous you are, Darlene.
I know you don't really smoke.
Oh, you're right, Mom.
This is my first cigarette ever.
Hey, look.
Smoke rings.
And you taught her all this, didn't you, you sweaty little freak? I ought to just snap your ears off and shove 'em in your pocket so you can hear me kicking your butt! Jimmy, I'd like you to meet my mother.
Oh, whoo! I think the milk in your mom's breasts has expired.
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
Yeah, they kinda lose that new car smell after a while, don't they? Aw, don't cry, baby.
Hey.
Here.
Let me show you a little trick.
Ah-za-za-za-za-za- ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba! Ba-ba-ba-ba! Wow.
You're good at this father stuff.
Yeah, and if you build up enough static electricity, he'll stick right to the wall.
Hey, Mr.
Conner, I was wondering.
Do you think there's any way I could get a motorcycle? I've been thinking about either a Harley Davidson or a Hog.
Hogs are Harleys.
Oh.
That's probably why the guy at the store laughed at me, huh? David, I know why you're doing this.
You think having a bike will make you look all tough.
No.
That's not true, no way.
I mean, unless it had, like, big flames painted on the side.
You had a bike when you were his age.
Chicks love a guy on a bike.
David doesn't want the kind of girl a motorcycle will attract.
If you don't believe me, take a good long look at Mrs.
Conner.
Okay.
I thought you'd like the idea.
You don't want him to get a bike because you think Roseanne won't approve.
Pfft.
Roseanne.
Let me let you in on a little-known secret, Fred.
You know how around here it always looks like Roseanne's in charge of the kids, and I'm just along for the ride? Yeah.
Flip it.
Whoa.
Really? It's true, Fred.
You see, in this case, David's trying to be a tough guy, just like Darlene's new boyfriend.
And my years of experience tell me that David has to feel good about being David.
Dan, will you be my dad? D.
J.
! Yeah? That big kid took my pants.
Fine.
Here.
Put these on.
It wasn't my fault! I don't want to hear about it! You don't know what it's like being hit with your own pants! Hey, shouldn't you have told him to fight back? Au contraire, mon Fred.
If I'd confronted the boy, he would have released his anger at me.
This way, he'll direct it at the bully where it belongs.
You're amazing.
No.
Just a parent.
A parent who goes from town to town helping out, then moving on.
My only hope: that kids are raised just a tiny little better because I was there.
[David.]
Hey! Hey, D.
J.
, stop it! Help me! Somebody get him off me! D.
J.
, what the hell are you doing? God, this feels great! Now I know why that kid took my shoes.
D.
J.
, what's the matter with you? Man, what happened? Nothing.
D.
J.
accidentally knocked him down.
He's lying.
I kicked his butt.
Here, I'll show you again.
That's enough.
He caught me off-guard.
What, did he hit you while you were knitting? I wasn't gonna pick on some little kid.
"I wasn't gonna pick on some little kid.
" Mark, out! D.
J.
, upstairs! Careful, David.
I hear there's a 7-year-old roaming around the neighborhood just looking for trouble.
Y-You need some ice? Boy, David's really upset.
What are you gonna do, Dan? Why do you keep asking me what I'm gonna do? What is it with you and all the questions? Why can't a guy do what he's gonna do without being asked? You don't know what to do, do you, Dan? Just been doing what Roseanne told you to do, haven't you? You're really a very bad father, aren't you, Dan? No, I'm not.
I just don't know what to do with David.
He scares me, Fred.
He's probably down there right now crying or reading or drawing a horse.
Well, why don't you do what you were trying to do before? You know, raise his self-esteem.
I don't know how to give a 17-year-old who's just been beaten up by a 12-year-old self-esteem.
I don't even know how to give him hope.
Tell him that getting beaten up by a little kid is not gonna make him any less attractive to Darlene or any other girl.
That's good, Fred.
They say it's best to open with a joke.
I mean it, Dan.
You don't have to be a big tough guy to be a man.
Sometimes the strongest guys are the ones who aren't afraid to be soft.
Yeah, you're right.
Okay.
But you know, if this doesn't work, I'm gonna have to kick the crap out of you.
I really liked that recital, Jimmy.
I've never been to a ballet before.
Thanks for taking us.
Sure.
Too bad it had to end so soon.
I still have some feeling in my left buttock.
Now, Roseanne, I know you enjoyed it.
Well, it is every mother's dream to get a good look at her daughter's boyfriend's package.
Very classy, Mom.
Oh, come on.
I wasn't making fun of his beard or anything.
You know, I didn't realize that the Amish were allowed to dance.
Would you excuse us for a second? We want to buy a knickknack for the bathroom, and we need to see what the theme is.
You--You have got to give Jimmy a chance.
You've been sniping at him all day.
What's the matter, are you feeling left out? You're not being fair.
You expected some horrible guy, the opposite of David, and if anything, he's a lot like David.
Well, if he's so much like David, then why doesn't she just date David? Is that what this is about? You want her to be with David, so you don't like anybody.
No.
I don't like anybody because I don't like anybody.
You like David.
Well, of course I do.
He's the nicest boy in the world, and I think he was good for Darlene.
Well, Jimmy might be good for her.
Yeah, so what if he's not good for me? Well, Darlene is gonna bring a lot of different guys into your life.
You're not gonna love 'em all the way you love David.
I know that, but we were just all so good together.
She's not coming back.
He's not coming back.
You're the only one left in their relationship.
Give Jimmy a chance.
All right.
I guess a mother just never really gets over her daughter's first love.
[flush.]
Well, I know what to get somebody for their bathroom next time we visit.
Yeah, Renuzit.
That's it, you know? You've been taking cracks at me and Darlene all day.
Now may not be the time.
No, Jackie.
I'd like to hear what the lad has to say.
I am not a lad.
I'm a man.
I wish you'd treat me like one.
You may talk this way to your family.
When you're talking to me, I demand a little respect.
Now I think you should leave.
Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Oh, isn't he the cutest? Yeah.
Maybe I was wrong about him.
This might actually turn out to be fun.
Ahem.
Dance for me, boy.
[knocking.]
[Dan.]
David? Hey, David.
So how's it going? I'm fine.
You got nothing to be embarrassed about.
So you lost a fight.
It happens to a lot of guys.
Happened to D.
J.
all the time-- before he ran into you.
Thanks a lot.
Oh, look, there's a lot of girls that aren't into this macho stuff.
Look at those girls in Playboy.
Their turn-ons are always poets and sensitive guys, crap like that.
Just leave me alone.
I can't.
Why can't you? I got a good reason, and that good reason's barreling right towards this house right about now about 70 miles an hour in a 55 zone, slurping a Big Gulp.
So Mrs.
Conner is why you came down here.
Okay.
I was wondering.
What's that supposed to mean? Just get out, Mr.
Conner.
There's no way I'm leaving now.
I can throw you out if that's what it's gonna take.
You done? Go to hell.
Hey.
You don't talk to me that way.
I came down here to help you, boy.
Oh, don't pretend like you give a crap.
You don't respect me enough to give a crap.
What are you talking-- I don't respect you? I'm leaving.
No, you're not.
Wait a minute.
Why is this all of a sudden about me and you? I thought we were talking about Darlene and you.
Right? Davidyou got to help me out here.
Mrs.
Conner's real good about figuring out people's feelings, but I'm not Mrs.
Conner.
I'm a regular person.
Look, I know it's weird for you having me living in your house, especially now that I'm not going with Darlene anymore.
So? So I thought I'd make things easier for us.
Wait a minute.
Is that what all this talking about fighting and motorcycles was, to impress me? I thought it would make things less weird if we had stuff in common.
You mean I figured it out? Hey, David, we don't have to like the same stuff for me to respect you.
Forget it.
No, i-it's true.
Ah, I mean, in high school, I used to be jealous of guys like you because I knew deep down they were better than me.
Oh, you're making that up.
Of course I am! But doesn't it prove how much I like you that I'd make up such a ridiculous lie? I just figured you were only letting me live here because Mrs.
Conner was making you.
Listen, David, even if Mrs.
Conner wanted to throw you out, she'd have to throw me out first.
And I may not look like much, but I'm wiry.
You mean it? Absolutely.
Hey.
You're one of the Conners now, huh? Abandon all hope.
Sorry I took that swing at you.
No problem.
You know, this is great.
Yeah? Yeah.
We did something here that our family rarely does: solved a problem without the cops.
Good.
Good.
I mean, I feel closer to you now.
Yeah, me, too.
Yeah, this is great.
And now that you know how I feel, Mrs.
Conner doesn't have to be the only one you can talk to in this house.
All right.
Yeah.
When's Mrs.
Conner coming home? Soon! I'd better go see if she's almost here.
This is good.
I know.
I got to hand it to you, Dan.
You got this parenting thing down.
You're a great father.
Kinda like the Great Dantini.
Come on, Fred.
You gonna talk or play ball? You know, none of us have ever beat you at anything.
Not softball, fixing cars, not parenting, nothing.
Uhh! Game over.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Come on, Jocko.
You got to win by two baskets.
You said one.
I changed my mind.
Guard me.
I'm not gonna guard you, Dan.
I won.
Hey, Mama's boy.
Mama's boy.
You gonna cry? Huh? Come on, Mama's boy.
Squirt me a few.
Come on.
Let me see you cry.
Come on, little girl.
You're my favorite sister-in-law, Fred.
I swear to God, you're my sweetest little girl.
Fred, I don't want you to think of me as your commander.
I want you to think of me as well, God.
[Roseanne.]
Dan! Kids! I'm home! [whimpering.]