The King of Queens s07e08 Episode Script

Hey, honey.
What are you doing? Coloring.
Gotta be honest with you.
A little disturbing.
Kirby left them.
It's actually pretty relaxing.
Is that so? Yeah.
You should try it.
It may take the edge off during your lady time.
Well, thank you for the tip, but you have your little fun, and then maybe later you can climb up into your tree house, and I'll bring you a juice box.
Make your jokes, but you don't know what you're missing.
Okay, I want in.
Give me the, uh, orange one.
No, I'm using it.
No, you're not.
I will be in a second.
Doug, I have a bunny here with a carrot.
So? So I need the orange one.
Use brown.
Give the bunny a cigar.
No.
I need it! Tough! Doug, give it to me.
No.
No! Oh, my God, give it to me.
No! Give it to me.
Dad! You're such a baby.
So how have you guys been? I feel like I haven't seen you in, like, forever.
You know, good.
Busy with the kids, school, play dates.
Kirby's got his baton-twirling class.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
I miss our regular Saturday night thing.
You know, we gotta get that thing back up and running again.
How 'bout next Saturday? Yeah.
Yeah, um That's actually not real good for us.
All right, so we'll do it the next Saturday.
Dinner and a movie? You know, that's not gonna work for us either.
Okay, um, did we do something to tick you guys off? Was it because we smiled when you told us about Kirby's baton-twirling classes? 'Cause we were smiling like "That's awesome!" Wait, it's not you, it's just, uh We met another couple.
What? The thing is that they live in our building.
The kids are the same age.
Saturday afternoon the kids play together, then at night we all hang out, and we don't have to get a sitter.
It's kind of become a regular thing.
We didn't mean for this to happen.
It just did.
All right.
Hey, man, good for you guys.
Yeah.
I mean, they got kids, you got kids.
We could still hang out.
Yeah.
We could do brunch.
Whatever.
Come on, man, don't be like that.
Don't worry about us, okay? We got tons of friends.
Yeah.
Tons.
Well, that's good.
Yeah, it is good.
I hate Saturday nights.
What do you think Deacon and Kelly are doing right now? Doug, don't.
I'm just saying, it's been 3 weeks, Carrie.
When does it stop hurting? I don't know, baby.
I don't know.
I can't believe there are no other couples to hang out with.
We could always call Neal and Marcy.
Neal and Marcy.
Are you crazy? I'm just saying they loved us.
Yeah.
Too much.
They named their cats after us, for God's sake.
Those cats are dead by now.
At least Carrie is.
She got pregnant like 30 times.
We are not calling Neal and Marcy, okay? Yeah, you're right.
I'm gonna go to bed.
Right behind you.
I'm just gonna clean up here a little bit.
Okay.
Hello? Hello? Who is this? Hello? What are you doing? Just checking the time.
Seven-oh-eight.
Good job, buddy.
You were calling Deacon and Kelly again.
I just wanted to hear what was going on over there.
Oh, my God, you're pathetic.
What was going on over there? I don't know, but it sounded like the best time four people ever had.
Damn it.
You know what? Screw them.
And screw us for being such losers.
You know what we gotta do? We gotta get off our butts, get out there and find a replacement couple for Deacon and Kelly.
I don't know.
I don't think we're ready yet.
Of course we're ready.
Come on, we're nice, we're funny, we're smart.
Any other couple would be lucky to have us.
You know, you're right.
Who cares what Deacon and Kelly think? We're a catch! Yes, we are.
So you know what we're gonna do? We're gonna shower, shave, pop that thing on your lip, and we're gonna get us a new couple.
I just say we cut our losses and go.
All right? This obviously isn't the right store.
Doug, we were just in the wrong department, okay? You don't meet a lot of nice couples in lumber.
We know that now.
The paint department.
Now, this is a virtual meat market.
Yeah, well, what are we looking for this time? I mean, do we necessarily have to go black? Can we go back? I don't care if they're black, white, or purple, as long as they're nice.
Hey.
How 'bout them? Hm.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Okay, I'll give them a tumble.
All right.
Let's make our move.
It's magic time.
Hey, hon, look at that color, right there.
Look at that.
That is nice, huh? Yeah, that is nice.
Wow, that Dutch boy knows his way around a can of paint.
You know what I'm sayin'? Yeah.
Great variety.
The best.
Hey, you guys wanna get outta here? Catch a movie? What? Just grab some dinner.
Maybe go to an Olive Garden.
There's one by the theater.
Um, we actually have plans.
Oh.
No biggie.
Okay.
Not a problem.
Take care now.
The walk of shame.
What the hell was that? Do you know that you have no rap whatsoever? All right, I'm a little out of practice.
But in my defense, they had plans.
Yeah, plans to get a restraining order.
Oh, hey, hey, hey.
Okay, now, I see some talent over there.
Now, this time, you just follow my lead.
Okay, but don't invite 'em to the Olive Garden.
That's my thing.
Carly? Alex? No.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You look like friends of ours from the, um- From the dog park.
Oh, you have a dog? Five.
So do you have a dog? A beagle.
Oh Oh We're Doug and Carrie, by the way.
Brigitte and Jon.
Brigitte? Oh, my God, that was my mother's name! Mine too.
Wow.
Small world, huh? Yes.
Yes.
Anyway, it was nice meeting you.
Okay.
You too.
Okay.
Oh, Doug, did you get those Norah Jones tickets for next weekend? Yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah I did.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Norah Jones.
Yeah, she's great.
Yeah.
Yeah, we've seen her.
Oh, yeah? She is great.
We love her.
So do our moms.
They do.
Anyway, here's a crazy thought.
Uh, we have two extra tickets if you guys are interested.
Okay.
That sounds like fun.
All right.
Well, let me just get your number.
Great.
We'll call you.
Here you go.
Just call us.
I will.
Don't call after 10.
I don't wanna wake the kids.
Oh, right-o.
Okay.
Bye.
Damn it! Kids! Well, this has been a huge waste of time.
Well, maybe not.
What about them? Them? I mean, are we really that desperate? Attention, shoppers, the store will be closing in 10 minutes.
I can't believe we went out with them.
What were we thinking? I don't know.
The karaoke, the Jell-O shots, the line dancing.
I've never felt so dirty.
Did I really get up there and sing You Don't Bring Me Flowers with Peggy? Twice.
And once with her on your shoulders.
I need a shower.
And I need this tattoo to be temporary.
Doug, we can't give up, okay? We've gotta get back out there.
What the hell is that, a turtle biting an apple? Okay, look we've hit rock bottom.
Now, I'm gonna throw two names out at you, okay? Neal and Marcy.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, you were right.
They're brutal.
Neal's always making those stupid toasts, and Marcy's laughing like a mental patient at everything he says.
Yeah, but we haven't seen them in a long time.
Maybe they've changed.
To us.
Not the magazine, but what the heck, that too.
Right? It's so funny.
Neal and I were just talking about you guys, and then we got home, and there's your message on our machine.
We couldn't believe it was you.
We must have listened to it 20 times.
So, what have you guys been up to? Well, uh, the big news is Marcy and I have a new addition to the family.
A baby? No.
You know Neal is sterile.
Oh, come on, show 'em the picture, honey.
You have a picture of Neal being sterile? Of course not, silly.
I am silly.
Is that a boat? Yes, it is.
Thirty-five feet of seafaring fun! Whoa, the envelope business has been good to you, huh? Well, let's just say- Oh, Neal, don't.
- envelopes have my stamp of approval.
Oh, ha-ha, yeah.
Oh, my God! You have to come out on the boat with us.
You must! Must we? No, no, no.
You see, the thing is- Oh, honey, look.
It's the Koehlers.
Hey.
Hey, Marc, Renee.
Hi, strangers.
Hey.
Doug, Carrie, this is Marc and Renee.
We were in a book club together about a million years ago.
Ugh, that book club! God, what were we thinking? That was deadly.
Deadly.
The bottom line is books suck.
Wow.
I'm glad somebody finally had the guts to say it out loud.
You know what? I'll go you one further than that.
overrated.
I mean, God gave us the miracle of television.
Who are we to question his plan? Exactly.
All Marcy and I ever watch is The History Channel.
It's very informative.
Anyway I love that jacket.
Oh, thanks.
I got it at Bloomingdale's.
But, you know, that sales guy, he has a real attitude.
If I hadn't wanted this so badly, I would have fed him his own toupee.
I think I met the same salesman.
I've wanted to smack him myself a few times.
Yeah? Yeah.
We gotta run.
We gotta run.
It was nice meeting you.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, listen.
You gotta try the rib eye special.
They wrap it in bacon, and then they cook it in butter.
Oh.
I'd eat my own foot if it was wrapped in bacon and cooked in butter.
We'll see you.
All right.
Bye.
So we gotta figure out how to get these landlubbers out on the boat.
Oh, we have to.
Yeah.
Just have to.
Well, let's do it.
Oh, boy.
Let's put it together.
Captain Neal is so cute in his hat.
It's a good time.
He hates books, Carrie.
How great is that? I know.
And did you see the shoes she was wearing? Yah! Ah! And we both wanna smack obnoxious salesmen.
Honey, we found them.
We found our couple, baby! Next Saturday night, we go out with them.
Agreed? Absolutely agreed.
Never thought going out with Neal and Marcy would be good.
If we never would have, we wouldn't have met- Um Oh, my God! Do you remember their names? Crap.
I wanna say Helen and Stanley.
Those are The Ropers! Why didn't you pay attention? I was lost in his eyes! Why didn't you pay attention? Oh, I was lost in her shoes.
Well, now what are we gonna do? I guess we're just gonna have to get their names from Neal and Marcy.
Oh, sure.
I'll just call and say, "Hey, um, you two sicken us, but can we get the names and number of your friends?" If you think it'll work, I'm on board.
Hey, a toast to friends.
Not the show.
Ah, what the heck, that too.
Oh, Carrie, that bacon-wrapped rib eye was incredible.
Oh, thank you.
I don't know where I got that idea.
I think I do.
Uh, God, who was talking about rib eye wrapped in bacon recently? It was in Cooper's.
Ah, he said, "Try the rib eye special.
" It was a couple.
There were two of 'em.
Oh, I know! Um, Neal and Marcy's friends from the book club.
Yes! Neal and Marcy's friends from the book club.
Oh, my god! What were their names? Uh, Marc and Renee.
Marc and Renee, of course.
Oh, God.
What- What ya writing, Care-Care? Oh, um, just a shopping list for Costco.
I gotta remember to pick up a bag of, um, Nestle miniatures.
Oh.
Yeah.
Don't get miniatures, get the regular size.
So Marc and Renee.
What characters, huh? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
I, uh, I don't envy Marc, growing up with a last name like that, huh? Why? Well, you just know how kids tease.
I mean, they can be merciless, you know.
Especially when they get a name like that.
Ahem.
Koehler? Yeah.
You kidding me? "Koehler, Koehler has an impacted molar.
" Yeah.
I'll be right back.
I got to get some more- So, Doug, are those curtains new? Sorry about that.
No, it's okay.
I was just wondering if the curtains- Oh.
You all right? Yeah.
It's just I've been working the late shift and tomorrow I gotta get up at, like, 5 a.
m.
We don't wanna keep you up.
Great.
That's great.
Um, okay, well, we should really say good night to- Well, you know, we'd love to- Yeah, I'll tell her.
- have the two of you over.
Are they gone? Yep.
I yawned them right into the street.
Doug, the Koehlers aren't listed in the phone book.
We need them! Are you kidding me? No, I'm not kidding you.
I wish I were.
Oh, God.
They probably got unlisted because Neal and Marcy drove 'em away.
They're so crazy.
Now what are we gonna do? I hate them! They ruined our lives! Now we're never gonna find the Koehlers.
Yeah.
Here we are, back on the couch.
Maybe it's not so bad us not finding another couple to hang out with, you know? Just the two of us, is that so terrible? It's like that poem, Grow old with me The best is yet to be Okay.
Come on.
We're looking for an address book, a PalmPilot, a matchbook with the Koehler" phone number on it- Anything! Whoop.
What? You got it? Nope, but somebody's got eczema.
Doug, stop it.
I'm just saying someone's got eczema.
Oh, I got it.
I got it.
Right, they're coming back.
They're coming back.
As soon as we're out on the ocean and they're doing boat crap, let's get that number.
Hey! Oh.
Let me help you with that.
Hey, where's yours? Oh, I thought the four of us could share this.
That was just- I was just joking, 'cause, you know, I'm fat.
Doug, I care about you too much to laugh at your health issues.
All right.
Okay, well, let's fire this baby up and get her out to sea.
I wanna see you guys in action.
Oh, well, we won't be going out.
Huh? Why not? Well, Neal failed his boating license test again.
I don't know what it is.
I know all the answers.
I guess I just panic.
Mm-hm.
But that doesn't mean we can't still have fun right here on the dock.
How do you figure? Even though Neal doesn't have his license, we do have Adverbia! The game of adverbs! Oh, it is the funnest word game ever.
Uh, yeah, hey, you know, we'll play.
We'll all play, but then Neal, Marcy, you guys got to give me a tour of this bucket first.
Yes, you give him a tour, and I am gonna bone up on my Adverbia, because I plays to win.
Here's this is what's called the main cabin.
Uh, here is where all the action is.
Wow.
Oh, Carrie, I found the Adverbia- Uh, what are you doing, Care-Care? Um What's going on? Oh, my God, she's robbing you.
Honey, I thought we beat this.
We're gonna have to move again.
All right the truth is, I was looking for Marc and Renee's phone number.
We really hit it off with them, and we didn't wanna ask you guys for their phone number because we thought your feelings would get hurt.
Please, please understand- Oh, no, we understand.
You only pretended to like us to get to the Koehlers.
You prefer their company to ours, and why wouldn't you? Because the Koehlers, they're perfect.
They're just perfect, aren't they? Know what? You're not gonna get to be with them, because now nobody's gonna get their number.
I got it, honey! Excuse me.
Yeah.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you two to leave.
Apparently, you've been making some unwelcome advances to our other shoppers.
You can't make us leave.
We're paying customers.
Yeah.
I'm getting drywall anchors, okay? So step off.
I'm gonna need some backup in the paint department.
Okay, you know what? Fine.
Let's go, honey.
It smells like bacon in here.
Wait a second, do you, uh, and the missis happen to like Norah Jones?