House, M.D. s07e09 Episode Script

What's the difference between a sea lion and a seal? What's that, baby? What's the difference between a sea lion and a seal? Seals tell the truth, but a sea lion is always lying? A sea lion has ears.
Yeah, that's right.
I forgot.
I'll show you when we get to the zoo.
Can we have pizza tonight? I'm not gonna be here, Daisy.
I'm going back on the road, remember? You've only been here for two days.
I'll be back in three weeks this time.
Somebody help her! She's having a seizure! There's a lady down there.
Daddy, come back! Daddy! Hey, lady.
Hey, lady, are you okay? Come on.
Come on.
Hey, wake up! Come on, get up! Hey Come on.
Help me! Somebody help me! Come on! Hurry! Hurry up! Daddy! Move the train! Move the train! Hey, man, are you okay? Yeah, I think so.
She's epileptic.
Come on, let's get you up.
You all right? Here we go.
Hey, sweetie, I'm okay.
Daddy? I found this case in the ER.
White male, mid-30s, loss of consciousness, abnormal EKG, and he's the subway hero.
Your enthusiasm is impressive.
Wish I could say the same about your presentation.
Everybody knows you lead with your most interesting symptom.
You're right, EKG is more interesting than loss of consciousness.
So I think we should do God! She's still talking, make it stop.
House's world view doesn't include random acts of self-sacrifice.
He's gonna count heroism as a symptom until proven otherwise.
The guy did a wonderful thing.
Can't we just take that at face value? You are adorable.
Heroism does exist.
What about the guy who landed the plane in the Hudson? News flash, that guy was already on the plane.
For all we know he would have killed everyone else on board if it increased his chances.
Faced with almost certain death, a normal person rides the pine.
What about firefighters? The guys who undergo months of training to deny their own instincts for self-preservation? And the patient isn't a firefighter.
He plays a bass in a band.
So humanity is apathetic and self-serving? Yeah.
I was mugged once.
When I saw the gun, my legs went out.
I always thought it was "fight or flight," didn't know it was "fight or flight or faint.
" Laugh all you want, the other 100 people stayed on that platform.
That's a normal response to danger.
The coward has spoken.
Our patient's problem is neurological.
Sympathetic stimulation.
Stress to the brain triggers a response in the heart.
Go forth and look for masses in Clark Kent's limbic system.
Seems like you're getting a bit of attention.
Everyone keeps going out of their way, asking me if I need anything.
It's kind of nice.
So what happened out there? I don't really remember.
It's just images, like flashes.
I kind of went on autopilot.
My memory doesn't go back into real time until I was in the ambulance.
I read that's pretty common for people in life-or-death situations.
- Jack.
- Honey.
This is my wife Eva.
Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
They're just doing some tests.
How's Daisy? She's not so good, actually.
She watched her father jump in front of a train.
She's still shaking, she can't stop crying.
Why would you do that to her? He saved a woman's life.
He could have died.
Did you even think about your family? I need your advice.
Dinner with your mom on Thursday It's my birthday.
I know.
I'm definitely coming.
Wilson's got tickets to the Hong Kong Film Festival.
Ever since his break-up he's been a mess.
I haven't been able to tell him that I'm not going.
So maybe if you happen to see him, you can mention how important this is.
You should go.
What? I can't.
It's your birthday.
It's fine.
It's sweet that you care about your friend.
And frankly, as you will find out sooner or later, my mother is a handful.
Go.
I need your advice.
This film festival I have had these tickets for two months.
Yeah, I know.
I'm definitely coming.
Okay.
But Thursday is Cuddy's birthday and her mom's coming down.
It's a whole dinner thing.
And I thought, maybe if you see her, you could mention how upset you've been You have to go.
Your girlfriend's birthday? It's not even a question.
She has one every year.
How often do you break up with the love of your life? Okay, for you, it's more often than most, but still I'm a big boy, I think I'll survive.
I will definitely make this up to you.
Hey.
Am I imagining things, or did I see a billboard with your face on it on my way home tonight? Was my whole face there? 'Cause I just saw the nose.
I thought you said they were taking a picture of a bunch of doctors together.
They did.
I have no idea how it ended up just me.
Well, you are pretty cute.
You're flirting with me? Don't see anyone else in the room.
What? I don't know.
Things have been a little tense around here since that whole online-boyfriend thing.
Phil's not my boyfriend.
I'm not the one with the problem.
No, you're the one with feelings for someone else.
You're still my husband, I still love you, and I want things to be okay between us.
Also, you're a famous model now.
That's pretty cool.
Sexy, even.
So I advance through the carotid bifurcation? Are you asking? Yes, I'm asking.
I've only read how to do it, but practice is different than theory.
Just tell me how to do it.
You're gonna inject dye just past the takeoff of the optic artery.
Now? His BP's going up, the procedure's stressing his body.
What do I do? Hold on a minute.
Just give him a chance to regain equilibrium.
BP's up, heart rate's 180.
What should I do? Give me the catheter, get the crash cart.
He's in cardiac arrest.
Maybe your second time will go better.
So we finally know what Taub would look like if he were life-size.
Can we go back to the office now? You kidding? We got a differential to run.
Cardiac arrhythmia That poster got me laid when I got home last night, so do your worst.
Arrhythmia proves I was right.
Jack's problem is his heart, not his brain.
So when you're not on a billboard you sleep with nurses, but when you are you sleep with your wife.
I think you got that backwards.
That's my elbow in the corner.
What's your wife doing later? Huh.
They chose you and cut out Chase? Apparently, Marketing thinks my face is the most trustworthy.
For real? Both of our patient's cardiac incidents happened after physical stress.
I'm guessing vasovagal syncope.
Buzzkill.
Vasovagal syncope would manifest at a much younger age.
Could be drugs.
Tox screen was clean.
What about autonomic nervous system dysfunction? Could cause arrhythmia and fainting.
Inappropriate? I mean because of the Jew thing? Autonomic nervous system dysfunction.
I like it.
Let's biopsy his pituitary gland.
Adrenal venous sampling makes more sense, and it is a less invasive procedure.
Which you don't care about because you just want to check the pituitary because you still think there's something wrong with the guy's brain? Can't fool you.
He has no other symptoms for pituitary disease.
We can't stick a needle in his brain because you don't believe in heroism.
Fine, do it your way.
You'll waste half a day, but I'm sure he's in no hurry to get better.
The autonomic nervous system controls involuntary actions, like your heartbeat.
If we're right, it's manageable, but will progress.
Do you think we could consult with him? I didn't know you knew Dr.
Taub.
I don't.
You saw the ads.
Look, no offense, but you were wrong yesterday.
And they wouldn't have made him the face of the hospital if he weren't really good, right? Dr.
Taub.
The patient would like to see you.
How can I help? I forgot, you guys talk.
Look, no offense to either of you, but dinner with your mom? Come on.
I'd have to act like a decent human being.
You know what a strain that puts on me.
And, you, ever since you broke up with Sam, you've done nothing but mope and whine.
It's an unbelievable bummer.
And just what is so exciting you have to blow off both of us to do it? I just want to sit on my couch in my underwear, drink scotch, and watch The Real Housewives of New Jersey.
By myself.
I just want one night off.
Is that so much to ask? Yes.
Yes.
You have to choose one of us.
I choose Wilson.
Good, because he's coming to my birthday dinner.
I do not whine.
Jack's not exactly the hero-type.
He started this band in college.
They gig around the country, looking for their big break.
It's been 16 years.
That must be hard on you and Daisy.
It's like I'm a single parent.
I love him so much, but I'm at the end of my rope.
What Jack did yesterday was so incredible, our boss assumed his illness had something to do with his behavior.
But if that's not the case, there's more to him than you think.
You think Taub really comes across as the most trustworthy doctor here? I knew it was bugging you.
They cut me out.
You're a pretty boy.
Works well with the ladies, not so much with the patients.
No one wants an underwear model performing their splenectomy.
I notice they weren't exactly knocking down your door looking for Dr.
Trustworthy.
That's 'cause I'm black.
Cortisol levels look normal.
We were wrong.
Which House will interpret as him being right.
He's gonna make us biopsy the pituitary gland.
You seem pretty calm for a guy who's surrounded by racists.
population is white.
Some are racist, some aren't.
White works with both demographics.
So race is your excuse, not the fact that you usually look like you're about to punch someone in the face? We're good.
O2 sats are dropping.
He's not breathing.
Suction.
Sats are coming back.
Mucus plug.
That's weird.
Fluid in the lungs.
Pneumonitis? That doesn't fit with anyone's theory.
Our tests finally rule out the brain.
That leaves the heart and the lungs.
Pneumonitis can be caused by bacteria, parasite, some kind of obstruction Who was the girl on the tracks? News story said her name's Chloe Jefferies.
Why does that matter? 'Cause there's another reason besides being sick that he'd risk his life for a stranger.
She's not a stranger.
The damsel in distress is an epileptic, so we assumed she was having an epileptic seizure.
But what if she wasn't.
What if she's sick, too? Jack is away a lot, on tour.
What happens on the road stays on the road.
The most likely cause of pneumonitis is infection.
Shouldn't we be getting a sputum culture? There's no significant elevation in white blood cell count.
This is more like toxic exposure.
He's got a point.
Why is your assumption of his guilt more valid than my assumption of his selflessness? Because my assumption is backed up by millions of men, and Taub, who've cheated on their wives.
Find the girl and the love nest.
Every hero has his Kryptonite.
Hello? So we're breaking into this girl's apartment because House thinks that two people standing 30 feet apart on a subway platform have to be lovers.
God, you're a drag today.
Let me guess.
You're back to fighting with the wife? No.
We had sex again last night, twice.
And again this morning.
Oh.
Rachel hasn't wanted this much intimacy in a long time.
I don't think it's me she's hot for, it's this Internet guy.
She's just happy and that's turning her on.
So she's not cheating on you and you're getting all the action you can handle.
I don't see the downside.
What was Jack's band called? Suicide something.
Suicide Season.
She does know him.
Question is, how'd they get sick? Kryptonite.
EKG's unremarkable.
Thyroid, liver and kidney function seems fine.
You're perfectly healthy.
I wish that you would take a second look.
I'm tired all the time and when it's cold, I get this weird pain in my shoulder.
I have a pain in my leg, you don't hear me complaining.
Except for just now.
How do doctors get this idea you're better than everyone else? Probably all that pulling people back from the brink of death.
It's just a guess.
My own daughter's a doctor.
She makes a hobby of dismissing my concerns.
She sounds smart.
Did she tell you to say that? I've never met your daughter.
That's hard to believe, since you're currently shtupping her.
We have a situation.
Roach bombs, where? In Chloe's apartment.
Who's Chloe? Look, we don't care about your personal life, we're not gonna tell your wife I honestly have no idea what you're talking about.
Guess who showed up looking for Jack.
Hey.
- Hi.
- Are you okay? The EMT said you'd gone to another hospital.
They held me overnight for observation, I'm fine.
I had to come here to I don't know why you did it, but thank you.
You're welcome.
I should have brought flowers, or something.
You're like my guardian angel.
No, I'm just a guy in a band.
Maybe you've heard of them? Suicide Season.
One of my nurses gave me the CD.
I haven't had a chance to listen to it yet, but I have a feeling I'm going to be your biggest fan.
I'm gonna need you to cough.
What are you doing? Getting a sputum culture.
They obviously don't know each other, so it's not toxic exposure.
Just leaves my theory, infection.
If you could just cough up a sample, we can test for pathogens.
Sorry.
Sorry.
There's nothing There's nothing coming up.
Well, maybe I can help you.
- It hurts! - What's the matter? Round, equal, reactive to light, it's not a stroke.
No, it's not my head, it's my ears.
"When I saw her lying there I thought, "'I can't just stand here and let her die.
"'She has her whole life to live.
"' He didn't jump because he was sick or because he knew that girl.
Even you have to admit that now.
Yes, but that doesn't make him a hero, it just makes him an idiot.
The only reason that headline doesn't say "Moron crushed by train" is luck.
Next headline is gonna be "Moron goes undiagnosed "because doctors won't talk about his ear pain.
" Ear pain fits with my theory.
Jack has an infection that spread to his mastoid.
Great, we'll confirm that in a week when your secret cultures have sprouted.
Am I in trouble? I only get mad when you waste my time, I couldn't care less about yours.
But let me know when they come back negative and I'll mock you.
- You have a better idea? - No.
So I'm gonna pick one at random.
Acoustic neuroma? - A tumor in the ear.
- Makes sense.
And if it's putting pressure on the breathing centers in his brain, it explains the lungs.
The lungs explain the heart.
Evoked auditory potential test.
This counts as my time.
You guys got this? I have been going out of my way to be nice to old Jewish ladies for months now, on the off chance one of them could be your mom.
You couldn't have mentioned she's a shiksa? She converted when she married my dad.
You see, now is too late.
I'm not blaming you for this.
She's the one who ambushed you to find out what you were like because "I never tell her anything.
" I'd have to agree with her on that one.
Anyway, I obviously can't come to dinner now.
Obviously? She's crazy and she hates me.
House, I need you to come to that dinner for two hours, keep your mouth shut and behave like an adult.
Yes, you will be in hell, but I will feel better having you there.
That is what a relationship is.
We average our misery.
That was unexpected.
I'm having a good day.
I finally resolved that thing with my sister.
What thing? We had the worst fight over whether it's time to put Dad in that facility.
I've been sick over it for weeks.
You never mentioned anything about your sister.
I actually talked a lot about it with Phil.
I should be getting back.
It's fine now.
It's no big deal.
Are you in love with him? I've never met him.
Waves one and three normal at 70 decibels.
It's been 37 minutes and everything is normal.
House was wrong again, he doesn't have a tumor.
House doesn't usually accept "we gave up halfway" as an answer.
If I could get fluid closer to the sources of infection, I could get better cultures, prove my theory.
I'm gonna set up for an ear drainage and a thoracentesis.
I'll only be wasting my time.
She's a student.
Somebody's got to go with her.
I saved that girl.
I did that.
I'm really proud of you.
This whole thing has made me wonder if things could be different.
I have spent so much time away from you.
Yeah, well.
You love your music.
But it's not just that.
I think that I have been afraid.
That I would screw things up, that I couldn't be the man you and Daisy needed me to be.
But maybe I'm better than that.
Hmm? I am going to quit the band.
I think we'd like that.
Uh-oh.
Hey, how's the ear pain? It's better with the drugs, but it still really hurts.
We are going to take some fluid samples from your ear and your lung.
Can you get up? Lean forward.
Lean on this.
Okay, this is Lidocaine.
It'll numb you up.
Okay.
This is weird.
What's the matter? The pain in my ear is gone.
Gone? Completely? Yeah.
When you stuck me in the back.
What does that mean? Okay.
I'm just cutting that for you.
Is she going to eat anything else, or just the cheese and crackers? She's going through a picky phase, it won't kill her.
You're her mother.
All I know is, when you and your sister were growing up you ate what we ate, no excuses.
Would you pass the salt? She had eggs this morning and lots of fruit.
Ah! That explains it.
Explains what? She was a little vilder chaiah at the park this afternoon.
She wouldn't listen to anything I said.
Must have been all the sugar.
Actually, the whole sugar-makes-kids-hyperactive thing is a myth.
It's a study.
I'm sure it's very interesting.
I didn't read any studies, I just raised children.
It's not your fault.
How are you supposed to keep up with what she eats all day? You're never home.
I'm sorry, I have to get this.
Tell me you need me.
Jack doesn't have cancer.
God, that's awful.
I'll be right in.
Masters stuck him in the back with Lidocaine and his ear pain went away.
We don't need you here, we just need to figure out why this guy's body thinks his ear is on his back.
'Cause his ear used to be something else.
When you're a fetus, your cells are close together, when you grow, they spread out and specialize.
Sometimes the body screws up and they keep the old area codes, still report to the same pain centers.
Referred pain.
Looks and brains.
When you stuck him in the back, you cut off communication with the pain centers in his spinal cord.
So we just need to figure out where the message is actually coming from.
What about his thyroid? Hyperthyroidism would explain all his symptoms.
Or it could be his liver.
- Good.
- We'll take a look at both.
For the record, referred pain does not rule out infection.
If it's spreading Were you like this when you were working for your math degree? If Euclid had been a guest lecturer, would you have been the kid sitting in the front row going, "Actually, you haven't proven the Pythagorean theorem.
" Hello? All right.
Mom? Thank you, sweetie.
So say you two got married, would you convert to Judaism? We haven't gotten that far, Mom.
That's actually a really interesting question.
I'm an atheist.
Honey, half the Jews I know are atheists.
It's about community.
House isn't that big on community.
And why do you call him House? The man's name is Greg.
It makes it seem like you're not serious.
I'm just trying to help you think about the future.
You're a certain age now.
The parade of boyfriends can't be as amusing as it was.
You need to settle down, like your sister.
Settling down isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Next week is Sam's birthday and I was gonna take her to the Poconos.
That's very sad.
Perhaps not the best choice of topic for a festive occasion.
I just don't want Rachel growing up thinking you're a slut.
Okay.
I got this.
First of all, Mom Oh, my God.
Did you sedate my mother? It kicked in just in time.
She'll wake up in a couple of hours, be good as new.
Think of it as my birthday gift to you.
You told me to keep my mouth shut.
This was the only way I had a chance.
Leaving aside the fact that House is a sociopath, I have to admit that I'm honestly relieved.
Your mom is quite a handful.
What? I feel You've got to be kidding me.
You drug Sorry.
I honestly thought you'd be worse.
That was my gift to myself.
I take it Jack's thyroid levels are normal.
Foreman is doing a liver biopsy now.
Good.
What's up with you? Nothing.
I'm peachy.
It's hard when you feel like you've been replaced.
We got a new puppy once, and our old cocker spaniel just moped for weeks.
Have you even had sex? We're not talking about me, we're talking about you.
No, you're talking about puppies, and I'm not listening.
She wants to do it all the time, but it has nothing to do with me.
I'm just a piece of meat.
Well, she likes someone else, and you've slept with other people.
Uh Why are you still together? I love her.
We've been together for 22 years.
I've never loved anybody else.
I don't know how to not be with her.
So you're never gonna cheat again.
I don't know.
That seems kind of selfish, doesn't it? Foreman found diffuse inflammation in Jack's liver.
Looks like autoimmune hepatitis.
He's starting him on steroids.
Isn't this nice? - What's this note? - Does that sound like an A? Remember if I put my finger like this without this do-hickey on it, it's an F.
Hmm? Hmm.
Can we read a book instead? Yes, we Jack? Jack! Help him! Come on.
Come on.
Okay.
Okay.
He seized three times last night.
We got him stabilized, but barely.
If there was nothing wrong with his brain before, there sure is now.
Any particular reason we need to be looking at the patient? Yes.
Cuddy's mom is in my office.
And she looks mad.
What did you do? Our patient also developed a raging fever overnight.
That means Masters was right all along.
This is an infection.
Should we give you a minute to gloat? We still don't know what kind of infection.
It could be bacterial, viral, fungal.
Until the cultures You are the worst gloater ever.
Her starting those cultures when she did means we're 24 hours closer to the answer.
"We're sorry your husband croaked, "but at least we were 24 hours closer to the answer.
" Let's narrow it down, shall we? Four days ago the guy was face-down in the subway.
God only knows what's in that sludge.
Toxic fumes make him pass out.
Rat pee does the rest.
If it's leptospirosis, it's the fastest-moving case in history.
Leptospirosis can turn into meningitis.
I can't confirm any of this yet.
We don't have time to choose wrong.
It fits, and since it's the only idea on the table, I say it's a winner.
Start him on doxycycline.
No, wait.
I'll do it.
You guys have to go back to the office, tell me when bubbie's gone.
You a doctor? Sure.
You're on new meds.
Go back to sleep.
Am I gonna die? I hope not.
'Cause then I'd have to go back to my office.
Of course, if you do kick it, then you get to be famous for another two, maybe three weeks.
They're saying I'm a hero.
Yeah, but, you know, in a few days a panda bear will give birth to triplets and we'll all move on.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You actually believe that you are a hero.
You should get yourself some tights and a cape and you can run around Gotham pulling babies out of burning buildings.
Maybe you'll keep getting lucky.
You're still the same guy you were last week.
Hey, how long are you gonna sit there? Could be hours.
Hiding behind a sick guy, that's heroic.
Look, I can explain.
Sometimes I mix up my medication I don't need you to explain anything.
I think we both know that I owe you an apology.
Say what? I don't even remember going to bed last night.
I must have had too much to drink.
I do know I can be difficult.
You were a little bitchy.
In the clinic, you were a complete schmendrick.
But once you knew I was Lisa's mother, you held your tongue.
That's because you love her.
I still think you're a pain in the ass with a God complex, and I'll kill you if you hurt her.
But I'm glad she has you.
We don't have to hug now, do we? What do you think? I've got a train to catch.
I thought you were staying till Sunday.
I'm coming down with a cold.
Every time I stay with Lisa or her sister, one of those rugrats gets me sick.
Children are awful.
Did she have a rash recently? No.
What's going on? Feverish, itchy? No.
What's she doing here, anyway? It's the middle of the morning.
Shouldn't she be in school? I'm keeping her out for a few days.
There's been a little outbreak of Chicken pox.
Sorry, but if I'd let you finish that sentence, that would have been much less impressive.
Chicken pox is no big deal for kids, but it's a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad deal for grownups.
You think Jack has chicken pox? But he doesn't have blisters, he's not itchy.
And Daisy never got it.
I know.
Again, that's why it's so impressive that I figured it out.
without blisters.
The kid was just a carrier.
I'm gonna start you on anti-varicella gamma globulin, which will save your life.
But it won't make me a hero.
Hey.
How are you feeling? Like I'm not gonna die.
I can't wait to take you home.
The guys called.
All this press has got us a couple new gigs.
Just a few more dates.
Three weeks tops.
But you said I know.
I know.
Three weeks isn't so bad.
It's not three weeks.
This is what he's always done.
Just one more tour.
I'm sorry.
The pathetic thing is, I let myself believe that he could change, he could be this other guy.
There's nothing worse than loving someone who's never gonna stop disappointing you.
Culture confirmed Jack does have chicken pox.
It just took six hours longer.
Autopsy works, too.
FYI, it turns out your hero is a loser.
He's going back on the road.
He still risked his life for that woman.
That was impulse.
It was easy.
Dealing with family is hard.
Wait, that's another thing I got right.
How many does that make? And how many for you? I'm also kicking your ass at gloating.
Hey.
Hi.
I think we should get a divorce.
You have feelings for him, and I can't handle that.
But it's my fault you needed someone else.
I keep hurting you.
We love each other.
I know.
But are you happy? No.
Then what are we doing? You know, you turned out remarkably close to normal, considering the genes in play.
Thanks.
Here.
In case your mom comes back.
Happy birthday.
You are a sweet, sweet man.
You coming over? Yes.
Oh, no, I can't.
Wilson? It's bowling night.
He'd never forgive me if I don't.
No, screw it, I'm coming.
No, no, no.
I am not gonna be responsible for that.
You drugged the man, you go bowling with him.
But my chances for sex are considerably lower with Wilson.
Fine.
Hey.
You ready? Here's the thing Well, it's about me, too, and I have my boundaries, Dina.
And they're clearly being crossed by you and your entire family, making hate pages That's not true.
That has nothing to do We all need improvements, Dina, and I've formed my opinion on you.
- No, don't shush me, Dina.
- No, I will shush you because you're not letting me finish.