King of the Hill s07e09 Episode Script

Mmm, something smells good.
It's the menu.
Ha! Even the menu smells good at Rattlesnakes! Luanne, Luanne Hey, Peggy, if I get the chicken-fried chicken and you get the chicken- fried steak, we can Just a moment.
There is something that I must take care of.
I do so know enough not to put a salad-size fork in the spoon bin.
Well, that fork didn't just walk along and hop in there by herself, did she now? No, she couldn't have.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Why are you calling my niece a liar? Luanne knows we have a way of doing things here at Rattlesnakes.
She also knows the consequences of not following that way.
You will not use threats with her.
And you will not tell me how to talk to my supervisees.
And you have just lost yourself a waitress.
She quits.
Well, now, wait a minute.
I wasn't going to fire her.
Mm-hmm, it's too late for your apologies now isn't it? Luanne, pick up your clothes and three onion loaves.
We are going home.
You know, I probably wouldn't have lost my Rattle snakes job if you hadn't said anything.
Exactly.
But I won't be around forever to do everything for you.
You have to learn to help yourself.
How did it help me to lose my job? It will leave you open for new opportunities.
Such as the one that I am about to present to you.
The Learning Annex is offering a class on "The Joy of Entrepreneuring.
" I signed you up.
It would be really nice if sometimes you could ask me when you make decisions about my life.
You're right.
Would you like to go at 7:00 or at 9:00? Mmm 7:00.
I'm sorry, that won't work for me.
A lot of you think of Trip Larsen as the hog king of Arlen.
But he wasn't born with that crown on his head.
He's an entrepreneur an innovator, and an inventor responsible for edibilizing two new parts of the pig.
Thank you.
Thank you.
My great-grandfather started Larsen Pork Products with little more than three pigs and a killing hammer.
Today, I'm proud to say, we kill more pigs than well, pig hepatitis.
There's no secret to success, really.
You have to have a passion for whatever you do whether it's processing pigs or sheep or cattle into food and food products.
What's a food product? It's like food, but cheaper.
Hmm Young lady, you had a question? Yes.
I find that I am too busy succeeding to keep track of all of my ideas.
So, I keep them in a file.
Well, actually, that's more of a comment than a question.
Well, thank you.
I think so, too.
Well, hello.
How did you like my lecture? Did you enjoy it? I mean, did you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed having you at my lecture? I really liked the part where you were excited about what you do.
That's what I'm trying to find a career I'm passionate about.
Like waitressing at a steak house You know, you have that special I don't know unspoiled quality and something tells me I think you'd do pretty darn well in pork.
How'd you like to interview for a position with Larsen Pork Products? Well, I did work with pork chops in my lastjob.
Well, to be honest, sometimes I dropped a couple.
Well, see, that's the beauty of pork it rinses off clean.
Ice cream? Hey, what are you celebrating? Trip Larsen has scheduled an interview with Luanne.
I get to go to his house! I don't see why he has to see her at his house.
You think he could be interested in something more than an interview? The pork industry is famously informal.
That's how these things are done.
Uh, Luanne, sometimes men aren't interested in what they say they're interested in.
To put it bluntly, they're more interested in something else.
Oh, you mean sex? N-n-no no no Yes.
I'm here for my interview, Mr.
Larsen.
I am also here for her interview.
Luanne, let's go ballooning.
Peggy, why don't you read my autobiography? Oh, it's all so beautiful.
You can see for miles.
Yeah, 3.
7 miles.
You can see up to around eight miles if you try this monocular.
It's Austrian.
They make the best monocular.
Something wrong? Well it's just that um, well you know so much and I know so little.
I hope that doesn't make you think I'm stupid.
You are not stupid.
You're ignorant.
What? No, you can't tell It's a compliment.
That just means you haven't had the chance to learn all the wrong things.
Oh No one's ever told me that before.
Well, maybe that's because no one has ever realized how ignorant you truly are.
Oh, my Lord! What are you doing?! That is not a proper way to interview! - Ah Who's house are we going to T.
P.
- ing this year? Probably mine again.
So, how'd it go? Mr.
Trip Larsen is the most wonderful man in the whole world! Well, you gave you a job, huh? What position? Oh, I'm his girlfriend! Well, I knew this guy was no good but braiding your hair? From the back, your head looks like a horse's ass.
Well, Trip likes my hair in braids.
He says they make me look smart.
Luanne, honey, it's not that we don't like your hair in braids which we don't it's that we don't like Trip.
He's old enough to be your father and he's treating you like a child.
Stop worrying, Aunt Peggy.
And I'm going to eat my salad after my steak.
Trip says that's the French way.
So I can have my dessert first then my steak.
And then, if I have room, my salad.
Salad after steak? I hate to say this twice in one meal but, "horse's ass.
" Hello.
We were in the neighborhood and thought you might like some of my Brown Betty.
We can also discuss my Luanne.
Hey, that's a good idea.
Sounds fun.
How would you like to watch some football bloopers while I finish my set? You know, they send us advertisers some stuff that well, you'll see it nowhere else.
I could take a look.
Hank, remember what we're here for.
But this is private bloopers.
Hey, do you have the snowman who caught fire at the Viking's game? Do I I've got three different snowmen catching fire.
There he goes.
How's it going? Did Blanca set you up all right? I would like to talk about Luanne before we have to make a blooper reel out of her life.
Well, we just want to make sure Luanne isn't getting into any trouble.
She is our only niece.
Hank, Luanne is lucky to have somebody like you looking out for her.
Will you look at that.
Yeah, that's the J-5.
It's a little project I've been working on for quite some time now.
In terms of time-to-processing weight meat yield, weanability she's pretty much the perfect pig.
Mmm, looks like you could eat it with a spoon.
Just give me five years and you will.
Oh, just like a baby.
Look at her, Peggy.
Remind you of someone when he was little? Hank, how would you like to ride in a hot air balloon? Hey, I don't have to tell you it's powered by propane.
Well, that's one of the eight uses of propane I haven't experienced first hand.
Oh, dear Lord.
Peggy, I feel like Neil Armstrong up here! I can see everybody's gutters, and they look great! Mrs.
Hill, I'm a guy who makes his own rules.
You play by them everybody wins.
Try to call your own game not so terrific.
Whoa! Well, let me tell you something you might be rich, but all the money in the world cannot buy you the most precious gift of all my respect.
The man willfully endangered your life just to make a point, Hank.
Try to see it from his point of view.
He was trying to control the balloon and you kept talking to him.
I was right there.
He was pulling and yanking that cord and trying to jerk you out of there with every last fiber of his being, and then some.
Aunt Peggy, Trip believes that no one ever solved anything with a run-on sentence.
What? How dare you! You do not come into my house and correct my grammar unless your name happens to be Strunk or White.
Is it? I'm just trying to help you improve yourself, Aunt Peggy.
Mmm, this'll cook up nice, Hank.
How much did it cost you, huh? A hundred bucks? Hank, the man is crazy.
That headless pig is a threat.
No, it's a gift from Trip Larsen, and it's to you.
I guess somebody owes Trip an apology.
There is a large, dead animal on my lawn! Look, let's be reasonable about this.
I work in propane, so I give away propane.
Trip Larsen works with pork so that's why he gave us this fella here.
Oh! No! You're bruising the rinds! That's it! Luanne, I have decided that your boyfriend is crazy.
Now, do you want to break up with him or should I? Now, just stop it! Stop telling me what to do! I am a proud, ignorant woman and no one is going to change that! Now that is the stupidest thing I ever heard anyone say.
You wiped your eyes on my tie.
That's okay.
It's an amazing fabric.
Thanks, Trip.
I feel better.
I'm going to go home now and think of something mean to do to Aunt Peggy, okay? Luanne, you are home.
I took the liberty of having your belongings meat-trucked out here.
Forgive me if they smell delicious.
Luanne, dear, this will be your room.
It's so beautiful.
Oh, I don't see any of my clothes.
That's because I had them shredded.
Plant mulch.
Gardening tip: Synthetics make wonderful ground cover.
But but, see, I need stuff to wear to dinner.
Not a problem.
But they're all the same.
Nothing is exactly the same.
Everything has a small flaw or imperfection.
It drives me mad.
Trip? Trip, is is that you? Trip, are you there? Back! Back off, girl.
Don't be messing with Papa's lady now, you hear? Are you all right, dearest? Why is there a pig in the house? Oh, don't tell me you're jealous.
I might have grown up poor but I never knew anyone who kept a pig in the house.
Well, that's because they weren't equipped for it.
The floor in there is Brazilian rosewood super hard, super high-quality stuff.
And I had it finished with four coats of polyurethane not that it needs it.
The J-5's hooves are soft as bedroom slippers.
Schweigen! Go back to bed, honey.
I'll have Blanca bring you up a warm glass of milk, okay? Okay.
Finish it all.
Oh, good.
You're up.
My my head is bleeding.
Your head hasn't been harmed.
It's been improved.
I took the liberty of dying it while you were asleep these last 14 hours.
But well, why? I don't want red hair.
You don't like it? Okay.
Well, we can always shave it off and wait for it to regrow.
No! Good.
Then it's settled.
Blanca, um I'm going all the way downstairs to practice my harp like Mr.
Larsen wanted me to.
It's me.
Except for the teeth.
But that can be taken care of.
Are you trying to turn me into her? This is the Larsen Pork Products Girl my grandfather created 50 years ago.
Her picture graced the walls in my nursery.
Mother never really paid me much attention but she was always there.
I'm very sorry about your mother and now I'm going home.
Please don't go.
I spent so many years trying to find you.
Look at her.
The Larsen Pork Products Woman is as comfortable dining with kings as she is slaughtering pigs.
I never thought I'd meet someone as perfect as the woman in that picture.
And then I saw you.
At the Learning Annex.
I guess.
I'm just so alone here.
I get scared.
I understand.
And I mean to fix all that with a big Halloween party to show the world just how happy we are.
Can I dress up as a pirate? A woman as a pirate? Well, that's just crazy.
I know just what you'll wear.
This.
Hey, it's an invitation.
"Larsen Pork Products "and the Dance Theater of Arlen invite you to a Halloween Gala.
" Sounds like a blast.
Well, I know Luanne doesn't want to see me but I am a Silver Slipper donor to the Dance Theater of Arlen and those people still owe me an umbrella.
Oh, great.
It's Luanne.
I'll bet she can tell us where the bathroom is.
Is that all you care about the bathroom? What about Luanne? I can't enjoy a party until I know where the bathroom is.
You knew that when you married me.
Hi, Aunt Peggy.
Uncle Hank.
I'm really glad you could come.
You look nice, Luanne.
I know.
Trip told me.
I'm the Larsen Pork Products Girl.
Oh, you see, Peggy? I could have come as a Strickland Propane guy instead of renting this getup.
Mister is ready for you now.
Oh.
This is Blanca.
She's my best friend here.
Trip? Trip? I'm here, dearest.
Luanne, you've never looked more beautiful.
And I've never felt more alive.
I never thought this day would come when I would have everything I've ever wanted within my grasp.
Is that an engagement ring? Wait, Luanne.
I want everything to be perfect.
Luanne, will you do me the great honor of marrying him.
Him? Javier, the time has come.
That's the man in the ad! Life is a series of compromises.
Trip, I'm kind of confused.
What is happening here? Don't you see? We can have it all.
We can be the family in the picture.
You, him and me.
What? What? Luanne, wait! Luanne! Where did Luanne go? That's for me to know and you to find out.
And me to find out, too because I don't know.
Luanne! Luanne, wait.
I can explain everything.
No! You're sick.
I'm calling the police.
Luanne, you're not thinking clearly.
I'm here, Luanne! I'll take care of everything.
Oops.
This is perfect! Now we can become Larsen Pork Products together.
Luanne, trust me.
This is for the best.
We agreed that I would do the thinking for both of us.
I never agreed to be a Larsen Pork product.
Luanne, I thought you loved me! No.
Trip! Pull the left lever! Now! Let me do it.
Mama, Papa, I'm coming home.
Oh, my God.
I can suddenly think clearly.
The voices have left my head.
What am I doing in a pig costume? Uh-oh.
Well at least Trip seemed happy.
And now he's in a better place.
Honey, Trip had a mental breakdown and is now a sausage.
That's not a better place.
But you handled the situation very well.
I did, didn't I? You saved yourself by thinking for yourself.
I did, didn't I? You are your own woman.
I am.
I am! So, really, it's a happy ending.
Happy enough.