Roseanne s07e09 Episode Script

[harmonica.]
** [TV, children's.]
Jackie, do we have to watch this? Barney is making me very very intensely angry.
It is important for Andy.
Unless you think that he would learn more watching Baywatch.
Now, there's no point teasing the boy.
He doesn't get to eat again for another hour.
[doorbell.]
[Bev.]
Jackie, guess who's come to visit? [whispering.]
God, it's Mom! Fred, hide, hide.
Keep your voice down.
Your mother knows about me, Jackie.
You remember she was at our wedding? That old woman is not coming in here.
I have told her before, if she wants to come over, she has to call first.
That way, we have time to leave.
I think you should just let her in.
Are you insane? There is a baby in here.
[pounding at door.]
Jackie?I know you're in there.
I can see your filthy car in the driveway.
Damn it! We have to start parking down the street.
Jackie, I know you hate your mom, but I think you're being selfish.
I am not.
I never said you couldn't hate her too.
[pounding at door.]
Jackie! [knocking on door.]
Fred? Well, I guess no one's home.
I suppose I'll just wait it out in the cold until they show up.
Burr.
I wish I'd worn a sweater.
Fred, turn on the sprinkler.
This is ridiculous.
No, Fred, please don't.
[hissing.]
Jackie, Jackie! Hi, Bev.
Come on in.
So, you are home.
Thank goodness I wasn't Ed McMahon with a million-dollar check or you two would've really missed the boat.
Sorry, Mom.
We were taking a nap.
Well, whatever you were doing, I can see you weren't busy cleaning.
There's my little man.
[laughs.]
Come to Grandma, fudgy-face.
[baby coos.]
See, she's completely harmless.
It is like radiation, Fred.
It may take 20 years, but that baby is gonna pay the price for this exposure.
** [blues rock.]
[laughing.]
What are you doing? Oh, I got stuck making this costume for D.
J.
's school play.
I don't know why they can't just do Oh, Calcutta.
Well, uh, Mom stopped by the house again last night without calling first.
I told you, a couple of loose wires in the doorbell and that'll fix her right up.
Fred just lets her in the house.
On purpose.
I don't want her around the baby, but Fred is obsessed with our kid having a grandmother around all the time.
So what's wrong with his mom? Oh-- [scoffs.]
Dead.
Well, you know how men are when they have babies.
They get all sentimental and everything.
I remember when I had Becky.
Dan made me tell Mom.
You know what Fred needs? He needs to spend a little more time with Mom.
Hi, Mom.
Um, you know, last week me and Fred were talking about Great Uncle Saul and I couldn't remember whether he had shingles or phlebitis.
Oh, the gout.
Oh, that's fascinating.
And I think Fred would think it was fascinating too.
You should give him a call.
He's home right now.
Okay, I gotta go now.
Bye, Mom.
[laughs.]
Oh-ho-ho So, so nasty.
[Dan.]
Hey! Hey, Lancelot, I finished your costume and I even put shoulder pads in it so you'll look nice and macho.
I'm not gonna be in that dumb play! Well, fine, then you're gonna wear it to soccer practice! What's wrong with him? Well, apparently he has to kiss a girl in this play and he's really upset about it.
I know what he feels like.
They made me kiss a boy in a school play.
Yeah, but nobody made you sleep with him.
I'll tell you what, they wouldn't have had to ask me twice.
By the time I was 13, I had kissed 7 girls.
Yeah, two he wasn't related to.
Yeah.
Well, the teacher says he either kisses this girl or he's out of the play.
Well, that's not fair.
He's just a little boy.
I'm gonna go talk to that teacher and tell her what she can kiss.
Hey, Dan? Yeah? You hate Mom, don't you? Of course.
God, I envy you.
Hey, kid, where's your teacher? I'll tell you for a buck.
Well, I don't have a buck but how would you like a quarter shoved up your nose? You're D.
J.
's mom, aren't you? Hi, I'm Mrs.
Sims.
Hi, I'm Mrs.
Conner.
Can we talk? Certainly.
Sit down.
Well, um you know, it's about that play that D.
J.
's in, and he didn't know that he had to kiss somebody and he's really uncomfortable about it.
D.
J.
knew about the kiss.
He did? Yes, that's why he wanted the part in the first place.
Oh.
Well, you know how kids change their minds all the time.
I mean, he, uh-- Just last week, he hated all of us and he wanted to run away from home.
You know, this week, he, uh-- I guess that's not a good example.
D.
J.
said you didn't want him to kiss Gina.
I'll just put someone else in the part.
Well, why can't you just cut the kiss out? I mean, if it didn't hurt my wedding ceremony, it ain't gonna hurt your play.
I'm not going to change the entire play because of certain people's values.
Well, um I guess if he's forced to kiss somebody, then I don't want him to be in the stupid play.
Where should I put my costume, Mrs.
Sims? Why don't you just put it on the table, Gina? Uhthat wouldn't be the Gina, would it? Why? You can't tell them apart? Oh, you thought that that's why D.
J.
didn't want to-- And then you thought I knew and that I supported that.
I see a lot of this around here.
It always starts with the parents.
Dan we've got a problem.
Nothing that six more of these won't cure.
You know that Gina girl in the play that D.
J.
doesn't wanna kiss? She's Black.
Oh.
Yeah, so we've gotta make him kiss her.
Everybody will think we're a bunch of racists.
D.
J.
, get down here! Well, slow down.
We don't know that's why he won't kiss her.
I'm sure he's got a very good reason.
I don't care what his reason is.
Everybody'll think it's 'cause she's Black and then I will never be able to buy sheets again.
Sit down; I wanna ask you some questions.
Okay.
Your dad and I were wondering how come you don't wanna kiss that girl in the play.
I don't know.
Well, is it because you're just not ready to kiss girls yet? No.
Is she mean to you? No.
Is she gross? Does she pick her nose and eat it? Does she have bad breath? Does she have a mustache? Does she have a whole bunch of extra arms or something? Son, no matter what it is, you can tell us.
Is it because she's Black? It is, isn't it? Well, you'll be mad if I say "yes".
No, we won't.
Yes, we will.
I didn't raise you to be some little bigot.
I just don't wanna kiss her! Hey, Black people are just like us.
They're every bit as good as us and any people who don't think so is just a bunch of banjo-pickin', cousin-datin', barefoot embarrassments to respectable white trash like us.
I don't care.
I'm not doing it.
Oh, yes, you are.
Honey, you're overreacting.
D.
J.
, if you don't wanna kiss this girl, your mom and I won't force you to.
Hey, you're kissing that girl, you're doing the play, and that's all there is to it.
Well, Dad said I didn't have to and Dad outranks you.
Are you new? I'm not doing anything until Dad says I have to.
Well, isn't that great, Dan? Let's just make it easy for our kid to be a bigot.
Why don't you calm down? The subject is closed.
Kissing that girl is not gonna hurt him and that is exactly what he's gonna do.
I think you're being a little too hard on the kid.
He grew up in Lanford.
It's only five percent Black.
And kissing's a new thing for D.
J.
It's only natural that he's not as comfortable kissing a Black girl as one of his own.
I did not say that.
Well, at least now I know where he gets it.
I'm not a racist.
Yeah, neither is your father! He always says he has no problem with the coloreds.
I'm not my father! If I knew you was gonna be passing down your family's crap to my kids, I would not be having another one with you! Yeah, well, D.
J.
's got it easy! I'm supposed to kiss you tonight! I hate White people.
So Roseanne says I'm a bigot.
Do you think I'm a bigot? If I say "yes", you'll stop doing the minstrel show.
Knock it off, Marvin.
I'm serious.
I mean, she thinks that D.
J.
could be getting racist attitudes from me.
Dan, that's a pretty gray area.
Personally, I probably would've felt the same way you did.
Well, that makes me feel better.
You're not a bigot, are you? The kid's just scared.
I don't think you should force him.
Hey, man, any of you guys ever been with a Black woman? [clears throat.]
Well there was this one girl in Atlantic City one time, looked just like that nurse, used to be on television, you know, that Julia? I mean this girl had legs that went on-- Hey, Chuck! [all greeting Chuck loudly.]
Well.
So, go on.
Legs that go on forever and Shewas a very lovely woman and we had a very nice time.
You're a wild man, Marvin.
So, what's with the extra poker game this week? Roseanne finally come to her senses and leave you? [chuckles.]
Believe me, if Roseanne left me, you'd all be a lot prettier and the opening bet would be two panties.
[laughing.]
Well actually, Chuck, me and the guys was just talking about something.
Hey, I should probably get your opinion about this.
What? Well, uh, D.
J.
's in this play at school and he's supposed to kiss this girl, and he doesn't want to because she's Black.
AndI didn't think he'd be getting this stuff from me, but where else could he be getting it from? He could be getting that stuff from anywhere.
I mean, has he been talking to Marvin? All right.
No, I'm serious, Chuck.
I really want your opinion on this.
Well, my opinion is you should hold your cards where Fred can't see 'em.
No, I mean, you know, we don't know he's prejudiced.
I mean, the kid is young, he hasn't had much exposure to other cultures.
Other cultures? Why? Is the Black girl from China? No, I just don't think you should force a kid to kiss someone that's-- I mean, you know, you grow up in a certain-- with other-- This is a very gray area.
Guys, help me out here.
Personally, I don't think there could be a gray area when it comes to respecting human beings.
Chuck, you understand what I'm saying here? Wellyou're saying that it's okay that D.
J.
doesn't want to kiss this girl because she's Black? No, I'm not--I'm not saying that at all.
Oh, but that's what you want me to say.
No! I mean, unless you really feel it.
Man, why do you care how I feel so much more than everyone else? Because I'm Black? Well, yeah.
So if I feel okay, all Black people will feel okay 'cause we all the same? I would never say that.
Oh, of course not! Some of your best friends are Black.
Yes, you're one of my best friends.
That's why you're here.
Okay, then why is Bob here? D.
J.
's gotta kiss a dumb girl too? No offense, Bob.
Hey! Hey, hey, guys, this is supposed to be fun.
Let's just play the damn game.
Check.
The pot's light.
I'm wanna ante too.
Who wants to open? Give me three.
Two.
Hey.
How's the comic book? This one guy just tore off the other guy's arm with his bare hands.
Let me see that.
Cool.
Listen, Deej, uh you know, sometimes parents do certain things or they act a certain way and they don't realize it's wrong until they see their kids doing it.
You understand? Is this about peeing behind the garage? No, but stop doing it.
You're killing the tomatoes.
Uh, anyway, I think somewhere along the way here, I might have given you the wrong idea about Black people.
And your mom was right.
I don't wanna kiss Gina! Hey, tough.
You're doin' it.
I hate you! Well, fine! You don't have to kiss me! She just looks real different.
It's only skin.
It's not just her skin.
She talks with kind of an accent and her hair's kinda different and her lips are different.
Yeah, and, and you're probably different heights.
You know? And your hair's brown and your friend Ralphy's hair is that red.
My eyes are blue and your mom's eyes are whatever the hell color they are.
What if it feels weird? Look, son I can't let you get out of this.
Because that would be wrong.
But I'm afraid of what the other kids will say.
Oh, the other kids.
Well, they're gonna be extremely jealous.
Because you're a Conner.
[affecting French accent.]
And Conner men are known as some of the world's best kissers.
Okay, I'll do it.
Good.
You know, D.
J.
, you're gonna kiss a lot of girls in your life and they're all gonna be different.
Well, do you think I should even kiss Lila Matthews? What's different about her? Well, Ralph says she uses her tongue.
I'd go for it.
Oh, wow, Roseanne, we had a great night.
What's so great about it? We had all them people to wait on.
Well Why don't we close up early, you know? 'Cause it's only Yeah, sure.
What the hell.
We opened 15 minutes late, so it'll all balance out.
You know, I am really very proud of Dan.
admitting that he was kind of prejudice.
It just goes to show you're never too old to learn something new about yourself.
[phone ringing.]
Yeah, like, just the other day when I learned I was married to a cracker.
Lunchbox.
Hi, Fred.
No, I think that's a good idea.
Mm-hmm.
Mom loves to have company when she has a pedicure.
Well, you two have a good time.
Yes, I love you too.
Okay, bye.
Hope they file off a toe.
Are Harold and Maude still seeing each other? It's--it's weird.
Fred must see something in Mom that we don't see.
Butmaybe there is some teeny, tiny decent human part buried deep very deep inside her.
Don't idealize your mother, Jackie.
Maybe she acts different around him.
Why else would he like her? I don't know.
Maybe he sees her and he thinks of something good from his childhood.
Like maybe one time some screeching old harpy saved his life or something.
[knocking at door.]
Oh, my God, another customer.
How many people have to eat here before word gets out about the food? Hello.
Hi.
Hi, would you let me in, please? Uh, we're closed.
Yeah, well it says here you're open till 10:00.
Yeah, but see, we had a really busy day and we ran out of food.
[bangs.]
Uh-huh.
Whew.
[expels breath.]
He's scary.
Sounded like it.
I did the right thing, didn't I? Well, you said he was scary.
Yeah.
[banging loudly.]
Hey, I think I should tell you something.
I'm Mr.
Williams, Gina's father.
Oh, well, come on in.
I'm Roseanne Conner.
Why didn't you just say that you were Gina's father? You need to know all your customer's names before they come in to your restaurant? Hey, Mr.
Williams, you think that you know what happened but that wasn't what happened.
No, she didn't do that because you are African American.
She did that because you're a man.
Yeah, and I'm prejudiced against all men equally.
That's real funny.
Hey, we're women, you know? And it's night.
This is, like, a matter of safety.
And in situations like that, I just gotta go with my gut instinct.
Well, I guess your kid inherited your instincts.
What? There's no way that that's anything like this.
Fine.
Mr.
Williams, come on, I'm sure you didn't come here to fight.
Well, just forget about it anyway.
There's probably just no way you're ever going to see where I'm coming from.
You know, that's funny.
I was gonna say the same thing to you.
Well, I think he blew that out of proportion.
I mean, you invited him in.
You tried to make it up to him.
You know, if he was a White guy with the exact same build in those exact same clothes, you would've done the exact same thing.
Yeah, well, I'm glad one of us is sure.
Well, now don't beat yourself up over it, Roseanne.
You know, anybody else would've done just what you did.
Well, isn't that great? You know, dear you really should get in the habit of using a coaster, even with this furniture.
Thank you, Mother.
Do we have to watch this nature crap? Oh, that's right.
You never liked educational programs.
Good thing it didn't affect your career.
Hey, Jackie, you should see this.
In order to claim the carcass entirely for itself, the vulture emits these piercing cries, sending all the other animals running for their lives.
No, thanks.
I'm familiar with the concept.
I'm going to bed.
That's a good idea.
You've been looking extremely tired lately.
Perhaps some cucumbers for your eyes.
I assume you at least keep vegetables in the house.
Yes, Mother, I keep them on the couch.
Good night, dear.
The coast is clear.
[deeper voice.]
Ugh, thank God.
Pass me a brewksi.
I didn't think I could keep up that annoying voice another minute.
Does anybody else know the real you? Now that wouldn't be much fun, would it? [opens beer can.]
[belches.]
Ah.
So, you want a coaster? [laughing.]