Rules of Engagement s07e09 Episode Script

Well, sir, looks like it's time for me to begin my long overdue vacation.
Vacation? Uh, a little heads up would have been nice.
I've emailed you daily, left you dozens of voicemails, and for the last six weeks, there's been this.
I can't decipher your cryptic clues.
Anyway, here's your schedule for while I'm away, sir.
"Shedule.
" Bless you.
Mm-hmm.
All right, this seems doable.
Sir, we both know the paper is blank.
You have no meetings, no calls, nothing to do.
Can you email me this as well? Of course, sir.
So you're going on vacation, huh? A little vacay action.
Where's it gonna be? Florida? Bahamas? V V Virgin Islands, hm? I'm not telling you where I'm going.
If I do, you'll show up.
Why would I do that? Because the one other time I took a vacation, I told you where I was going, and you showed up.
That was a coincidence.
Worst vacation of my life.
I can't believe you dragged me there.
I didn't drag you or in Anyway, as much as you've come to depend on me, I'm sure you'll be fine.
I depend on you? Wow, that's hysterical.
I have plenty to do around here.
Yes, this city is full of barely legal girls down on their luck, thinking life can't get any worse.
Go prove them wrong.
You know, you can't leave until you get someone to cover your desk.
Very well, sir.
Oh, will there be anything else? Yeah, can you C.
C.
the new guy my "shedule" - Thanks.
- Oh, yes.
Oh, come on.
What is that? It's his artificial seasoning salt.
I've developed an immunity to regular salt.
Apparently he's on a quest to become uninsurable.
Hey.
It's worth it.
It really wakes up the flavor.
Mmm.
All right, this stuff is pure M.
S.
G.
Uh, honey, I'm an adult.
Okay, you don't have to spell things in front of me.
It stands for monosodium glutamate.
Nerd alert.
You know, Adam and I are taking a healthy cooking class.
Mm-hmm, not my first.
Tell 'em what I made you.
He carved a radish into a rose.
Hey, you two should take a class with us.
Oh, that sounds fun.
Based on previous behavior, I'm sure my husband will be eager to participate.
I'm not gonna pay to watch this knob carve a radish.
Come on, we never do anything together.
Last night, we watched TV in separate rooms.
I wanted to watch The Mentalist.
I was watching The Mentalist All right, you know what? That's it.
We're doing this.
We're taking that cooking class.
All right, we'll do this together.
But next week, I get the big TV for The Mentalist.
Hey, Ferny, I'm not mad.
But in the future, could you hey! Timmy's back! Seems about right.
Took me two weeks with you to die inside as well.
So how was the vacation? Where'd you go? I went to Chicago, sir.
Ah, mile high city.
Nation's capital.
Paul revere and so forth.
So you seem to have held up well.
Oh, yeah.
Things went pretty well while you were gone.
I met a nice little lady friend.
Aw, good for you, sir.
And just for record keeping, did you expense her or use petty cash? No, no, she was a non-pro.
In fact, something special about this one.
- Oh.
- She's very oh, here she is.
Radha, hey babe.
Come on in.
This is Timmy.
Timmy, this is Radha.
And she knows English, you don't have to be all, "nur-nur, nur-nur, nur-nur.
" Pleased to meet you.
Ahh, a British accent.
Yeah, just like you.
Oi! Sweep the chimney, governor.
A little shrimp on the barbie.
Who's been eatin' me bowl of lucky charms? Another huge swing and a miss, sir.
So do tell, how did you two meet? Well, I work at restaurant on Sixth Street.
Sixth Street? You went to Indian Row, sir? Ah, I had a hankerin'.
By the way, Timmy, uh, can you print out my schedule for the week? Yes, just take any sheet of paper out of the printer, sir.
B.
R.
B.
Oh, hey, Timmy.
Lady Timmy.
Now in healthy kitchen, we say good-bye to salt.
We say good-bye to butter.
We should say good-bye to this class.
Would you stop it? Oh, no, that's all right.
It looks like we've found our class clown.
Everyone, say hi to the class clown.
Hi.
Ugh.
I look the most like a chef.
I don't know that that's important.
It is.
Tomorrow, we'll be making free-range coq au vin with low-fat potatoes au gratin.
But tonight is all about prep work.
Now, does anyone know how to prep a chicken? I do, Chef.
Just calm down, Wolf Gang suck.
Okay, but before we prep the chicken, we are gonna slice the cheddar.
So just to be clear, you're asking the entire class to, uh, cut the cheese? Wow, Adam, you were not kidding about having done this before.
Thank you, Chef.
You're jealous.
Hey, Chef.
What do you think of that mess? Well, you know, considering you're a beginner, it's it's not good.
Did you even use a knife, or just your fists? That's a good one, Chef.
All right, just tell me, am I going home alone tonight, or Okay, let's all bring our pans to the back.
I'll take it.
I see an open bottle of wine back there.
Hey, hang in there, buddy.
You'll get the hang of it.
Uh, no, I won't, because I don't give a crap.
This is stupid.
That's typical.
You can't do it, so you put it down.
Oh, please.
If I tried, our dish would kick your dish's ass.
Oh, really, is that right? - Yeah, that's right.
- Yeah? Yeah, you wanna dance? - Let's dance.
- Sure.
I mean, maybe after class we could hit up a salsa club.
No.
I mean, tomorrow night we have Chef Brad judge our food, - see which one tastes better.
- Oh, all right, fine.
And how about loser pays for the winner's class? - Done.
- Done.
Uh, hey, uh, Teach? Uh, tomorrow night, could you judge us? I'm actually doing that right now.
I meant, could you judge or dishes, tell us which one tastes better? Oh, that sounds like fun.
Actually, you know, I was once asked - to be a judge on - Super, all right.
Ah, Mr.
Dunbar, Radha.
Ah, he caught us on a little "R" and "R" Russell and Radha.
I'll never tire of that.
Oh, um, he prefers his fries Much less crispy.
Yes, uh His teeth are very sensitive.
Hey, that's my cross to bear.
Timmy knows.
He's the one who has to soak my doritos every day.
Mm.
Will you excuse me? Of course.
Oh, my God.
So hot, the way she takes care of me.
Hot? Yeah, totally.
I mean, between that, her fancy accent, her exotic brown skin Dude, I could not be more into her.
And those things specifically are what you like about her? Who knew I had a type? Yes.
Who knew? Why are you smashing tomatoes? Uh, I'm practicing.
If we're gonna take a cooking class, let's do it right.
Really? You're gonna stop half-assing it? Yep, tomorrow I'm going full ass.
Why are you suddenly into the cooking class? Well, I realized you were right, you know? We should be able to enjoy things together.
Okay, let's take that again.
Why are you suddenly into the cooking class? Because I made a bet with Adam that we could cook better than them.
- Oh, God.
- Come on, Aud.
I'm just trying to make it more interesting.
Why would you do that? Because it's not interesting.
It was fine, okay? The whole point was for us to do something together.
We still are! We're gonna destroy Adam and Jen together.
You know what? Forget it.
I'm out.
I just wanted to learn to cook with my husband, not destroy our friends.
We can do both! Together! - Hey, big Jeff.
- Hey.
This is Radha.
Radha, this is Jeff.
Hello.
Is this a goof? No, this is my new lady friend.
Um, seems you've changed your hair, Radha.
Oh, yes.
I had been thinking of doing something new with it, and Russell suggested I go short.
Did he now? Doesn't she look adorable and amazing? I am amazed.
- There you go, babe.
- Thank you.
Babe, you look so sexy with those glasses.
Seriously.
It's such a guy thing to turn even a cooking class into a competition.
Well, I'm sure it was Jeff's idea.
The other night, he bet me he could draw a better bath than I could.
Did he? - Yes.
- Well, don't worry.
We would never make you pay for our cooking class.
Well, I mean you mean if you were to win, right? If? What, you don't think we could win? Well, we've been to your dinner parties.
- Oh, I'm kidding.
- No.
Of course.
I know you are.
I'm in.
Let's take 'em down.
Nice.
All right, we got this.
Yeah, we do.
- We're a team.
- That's right.
Hands in, team Bingham on three.
I'm not doing that.
Ah-tool.
Hey, I think we're gonna be okay.
It sounds like Jeff's getting a cough.
All right, you've got your ingredients and your recipes.
Now let's prove that we can all make a yummy and healthy coq au vin.
Here you go, buddy.
Are you trying to bribe me? Absolutely not.
I'm just thanking you for teaching us how to make the best dish.
Right.
That hurt.
I had a lot riding on that.
Well, good thing you used a 5.
That was a wonderful evening, Russell.
And thank you so much for this jacket.
What a thoughtful gift.
Ah, you really like it? Well, I usually prefer a more feminine look, but I think it works.
It works for me.
May I check my email on your computer? Oh, uh, my computer? No, no, no.
Uh, my computer's actually running a little slow right now.
I think I got a virus from some reputable, completely work-related website.
So why don't you use Timmy's, 'cause he's cool with it.
And I will go troubleshoot mine.
Ah, Radha.
Timmy, I was just checking my email.
- Is that okay? - Of course.
That's a very, uh, handsome coat.
Thank you.
Russell just bought it for me.
Huh, it looks like yours.
Yes, well, nothing rampantly unsettling about that.
Will you excuse me? Certainly.
I want you right now.
All right, that is time.
Well, this might be the wine talking, but that does not look good.
There has been a request for me to judge two of our couples.
Wow, that is beautiful plating.
Well, we wanted it to be elegant and not Thank you, Chef.
Good, clean flavors.
Excellent job, you two.
Thank you, Chef.
Wow.
That is also on a plate.
Ours is about taste and not presentation.
Yeah, yeah.
It may not be easy on your eyes, but it will be easy on your mouth.
Let's calm down for a second.
I see, well this has been a tough decision, but I'm gonna go with Jen and Adam.
- Whoo! - Ahh! Hey! Hey, hey, hey! You didn't even taste ours.
Busted.
I guess there's no more putting it off.
Mmm.
That is good.
That is very good.
Thank you, Chef.
There's a certain creaminess, which is hard to coax out of olive oil.
We coaxed the crap out of that.
Well, I have made up my mind.
- Jeff and Audrey win! - What? - Yeah! - Yes! Come on, you son of no, look at theirs! True, yes, it it does look like a fetid pile of barf, but I was asked to judge based only on flavor.
But don't worry, Jen, you do not have to pay for our class.
She's drunk.
Of course you do.
And didn't I tell you healthy cooking could be delicious? Well, a student is only as good as his teacher.
Oh, you are making me blush.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- They used butter.
- What? What what So it turns out you coaxed nothing.
You just cheated.
You can't prove that.
Actually, I saw him put the butter in.
See, he proved it.
You did not.
Jeff, we we could have won without butter.
What, are you kidding? I lost a band-aid in that mess.
- Oh, my God.
- Don't worry about it.
It wasn't in the bite you ate.
No, I'm I'm I'm having an allergic reaction.
- To the butter? - Or the lies? No, I'm only allergic to M.
S.
G.
We did not use M.
S.
G.
Are you serious? You used M.
S.
G.
? Just a little, teeny Oh, actually all of it.
Oh, here come the hives.
Hey, you guys forfeit.
We win.
Can somebody bring me to the hospital? It would be an honor, Chef.
I had a feeling that guy would be leaving in Adam's arms.
We cheated together.
Good morning.
Sir? It's nice outside today.
It's warm.
Yes, unseasonably so.
Sir, do you perhaps think we should talk about what happened? What's there to talk about? I was dating a hottie.
You got weird, tried to turn yourself into her, and now she doesn't talk to me anymore.
Thanks a lot, buddy.
That's your version? My version, because that's what happened.
Do me a favor.
Let's not let it happen again.
Fine.
I'll do my best, sir.
Okay, that'd be great.
Oh, hey, Radha.
Can I have a chat with your man?