Seinfeld s07e09 Episode Script

People can be so vain.
I have a friend, wears eyeglasses, no prescription because he thinks he looks more intelligent.
Now, why? Why do we think that glasses makes us look more intelligent? Is it from the endless hours of reading and studying and researching that this person supposedly blew out their eyeballs? And that's why they need the glasses? It's a corrective device.
If you see someone with a hearing aid you don't think, "Oh, they must have been listening real good.
Yeah, to a lot of important stuff.
" No, they're deaf.
They can't hear.
- Hey, boys and girls.
- Hey.
I need you both to sponsor me in the AIDS Walk.
- Isn't that tomorrow? - Yeah, yeah.
So get Get Well, I admire you for joining the fight against AIDS.
Yeah, well, if I didn't do something, I wouldn't be able to live with myself.
It's hard enough living next door.
Some people, they just wear a ribbon and they think they're doing something.
Not me.
I talk the talk and I walk the walk, baby.
Yeah, I'm gonna be right back.
- New jeans? - Yeah.
- Still a 31 waist? - Yep, since college.
- Hey, Lena Small is on this list.
- Lena Small? Yeah, that girl I was gonna call for a date, she was unlisted and now here's her number.
- Oh, you're not gonna cop a girl's phone number off an AIDS charity list.
Elaine, you should admire me.
I'm aspiring to date a giving person.
- But you're a taking person.
- That's why I should date a giving person.
If I date a taking person everyone's taking, taking, taking.
No one's giving.
It's bedlam.
She's gonna ask how you got her number.
Oh, I'll tell her I met some guy who knew her and he gave it to me.
- What's he look like? - I didn't pay much attention.
I'd just come from buying a speedboat.
- You're buying a speedboat? - See, we're already off the subject of how I got her number.
All I do is get past the first phone call and I'm home free.
- I don't know.
- Lf Billy got your number off the AIDS Walk list, you wouldn't have gone out with him? - Well - Yeah.
- So you really like this guy? - Very much.
- How's the sexual chemistry? - Haven't been in the lab yet.
But I am birth-control shopping today.
- Are you still on the pill? - Oh, Kramer No, I think birth control should be discussed in an open forum.
- The Sponge, okay? - Sponge? The Today Sponge.
But wasn't that taken off the market? Off the market? The Sponge? No, no.
No way.
- Everybody loves the Sponge.
- I read it in Wall Street Week.
Louis Rukeyser.
Hello, Lena? Hi, it's Jerry Seinfeld.
How did I get your number? I met a guy that knows you, he gave it to me.
I don't remember his name.
I think it began with a W, maybe a Q.
I wasn't paying attention.
I'd just come from shopping for a speedboat.
You know, I really like those new jeans Jerry was wearing.
He's really thin.
Not as thin as you think.
Why? He's a 31.
I saw the tag on the back.
The tag, huh? Let me tell you something about that tag.
It's no 31, and let's just leave it at that.
What are you talking about? He scratches off a 32 and he puts in "31.
" What? Oh, how could he be so vain? Well, this is the Jerry Seinfeld that only I know.
- I can't believe I just told you that.
- Why not? Well, Jerry doesn't want anyone to know.
It's all right, I'm your fiancee.
Everyone assumes you'll tell me everything.
- Where did you get that from? - Well, we're a couple.
It's understood.
- I never heard of that.
- Well, you've never been a couple.
I've coupled.
I've coupled.
Keeping secrets.
This is just like your secret bank code.
This is totally different.
That was my secret.
This is Jerry's secret.
There's attorney-client privileges here.
If I play it by your rule, no one will ever confide in me again.
I'll be cut out of the loop.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- What's the matter? - I had a fight with Susan.
What about? Clothing something, I don't know - So, what are you doing tonight? - I got a date with that girl Lena.
- Lena? How did you meet her? - I actually met her a few weeks ago but Jerry got Lena's unlisted number from Kramer's AIDS Walk list.
Monica, Jerry got Lena's unlisted number off of an AIDS Walk list.
He got her number off an AIDS Walk list? You met her a few weeks ago, but? I didn't call her till today.
So, wanna double? - What? - Well, you know, I just had a fight.
I need a group dynamic.
- I don't know.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Well, Kramer was right.
My friend Kim told me the Sponge is off the market.
- What are you gonna do? - I'll tell you.
I'm gonna do a hard target search of every drug store, general store health store, grocery store in a 25 block radius: Just for these Sponges? Hey, women are really loyal to their birth-control methods.
- What does Susan use? - I don't know.
- You don't now? - I Figure it's something.
- What are you all out of breath from? - The elevator just broke.
I had to walk up five flights.
And you got the AIDS Walk tomorrow.
You're never gonna make it.
You're in horrible shape.
- I'm in tiptop shape.
- Tiptop? - Better than you.
- I got a 31 waist, mister.
Well, I'm walking for charity.
What are you doing? What am I doing? I'm dating a woman who happens to be sponsoring one of these walkers.
Do you have any Today Sponges? Do you carry Today Sponges? - Can I help you? - Do you have any Today Sponges? - I know they're off the market - Actually, we have a case left.
A case? A case of Sponges? I mean, a case.
How many come in a case? Sixty.
Sixty? - Well, I'll take three.
- Three? Yeah.
Make it 10.
- Ten? - Twenty Sponges should be plenty.
- Did you say 20? - Yeah, 25 Sponges is just fine.
- Twenty-five? - Yeah.
- You're set with 25? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Just give me the whole case, I'll be on my way.
Hey, I have found the best-smelling detergent.
Lena, smell my shirt.
- Very nice.
- It's All TempaCheer.
I use Planet.
It's biodegradable and it doesn't pollute the oceans.
Yeah, the oceans are really getting very sudsy.
Can you wrap up all the leftovers on the table, please? I always take the leftovers.
I work in a soup kitchen every morning at 6 a.
m.
They serve soup at 6 a.
m.
? Yeah, that's all they have.
Do the bums ever complain, "Soup again?" - I'd get tired of it.
- How could you not? - Guess who volunteered last week.
- Mick Jagger.
No.
- Maya Angelou.
- Oh, the poet.
So let me ask you something.
These people eat soup three times a day? - I don't know.
- Did you get to talk to her? - Talk to who? - Is it a lot of cream soups? - Maya Angelou, the poet.
- No, I didn't get the chance.
You know, I'm sure you can reach her.
She's a poet, you know.
What does a poet need an unlisted number for? - I'm going to the ladies' room.
- I'll go with you.
Why are you looking at me like that? Why did you have to mention "unlisted number"? - What are you talking about? - I gotta tell you something but you cannot tell Susan.
Jerry got her phone number off of an AIDS Walk list? - Oh, that's awful.
- I know, but don't say anything.
He told me not to tell you.
But you told me anyway? Well, you know, I was thinking about what you said before and you're right, I've never really been a couple, so if that's the rule l'm gonna go by the rule.
- Thank you, honey.
So you wanna go home and make up officially? - Can we stop by a drug store first? - What for? I'm out of birth control stuff.
Oh, yeah.
- Where am I gonna park? - No, don't park.
I'll just sit in the car.
- You can run in.
- Me run in? Why don't you run in? You don't know what I use for birth control, do you? - Of course I do.
- You do? What? - You know, you use the: - The what? You know, the: Just get me some Sponges, please.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
They don't have them anymore.
- What? - I just found out they're off the market.
- Off the market? The Sponge? - So you gotta use something else.
I can't.
I love the Sponge.
I need the Sponge.
Okay.
I think I know where we can get one.
Kramer, what the hell is going on in here? It's a poker game.
And I'm kicking some serious butt! Are you out of your mind? You got the AIDS Walk tomorrow.
- Hey, Kramer, are you in? - Oh, you gotta be kidding You see those two ladies I got showing? Do they look scared? - What were you saying? - You're never gonna make it.
Let's go! Let's go! Rack them up! Come on! Do you? Do you wanna go in the bedroom? Okay.
- Hold on just a second.
- Okay.
Elaine, it's me, George.
- Hey, sorry to bother you so late.
- Yeah.
Hey, how you doing? - Did you get any of those Sponges? - Yeah.
Cleaned out the whole West Side.
Why? - Well, Susan.
- Oh, Susan uses the Sponge.
- Susan loves the Sponge.
- Yeah, I'm sorry, George.
- I can't help you out.
- What? I can't do it.
No way.
There's no how.
Wait Elaine.
Let me explain something to you.
You see, this is not just a weekend routine.
I'm on the verge of make-up sex here.
- You know about make-up sex? - Oh, yeah.
George, I know all about make-up sex and I'm really sorry.
But, Elaine Elaine, can I just explain something to you very privately.
Susan and I have been together many, many times now and just between you and me, there's really no big surprises here so make-up sex is all that I have left.
I'm sure you'll have another fight, George.
Hold that thought.
Oh, so listen to this.
But don't tell anyone.
Jerry Seinfeld, he got a woman's number off an AIDS Walk list.
He got her number off an AIDS Walk list? He what? How did you find out? A friend of a friend of a friend knows Susan.
- George! - Pardon? - Pardon? - Nothing.
Listen, I'm sorry.
I just It's okay.
There's nothing to be sorry about.
I don't mind.
You don't mind that I got your number off the AIDS Walk list? No, not at all.
No problem.
Call me later, okay? You're lucky you're walking out of here with a pair of pants on! Kramer, you went all night? - Jerry, breakfast on me.
- Kramer, are you out of your mind? You got the AIDS Walk in three hours.
- You're never gonna make it.
- AIDS Walk, that's a cake walk.
- Hey.
- Hey, man.
- So, George? - Yeah.
Guess what? Lena found out how I got her number.
- Really? How did she do that? - A friend of a friend of Susan's.
- My Susan? - Why did you tell her? I had to, Jerry.
It's a couple rule.
We have to tell each other everything.
- You know what this means? - What? You're cut off! You're out of the loop! You're cutting me off? No, no, Jerry, don't cut me off.
You leave me no choice.
You're the media now as far as I'm concerned.
- Oh, Jerry, come on.
Please, it won't happen again.
If you were in the Mafia, would you tell her every time you killed someone? Hey, a hit is a totally different story.
- I don't know, George.
- So Lena was upset, huh? You know what, that was the amazing thing.
- What? It didn't bother her? - No, she said it was fine.
Something very strange about this girl.
What? - She's too good.
- Too good? I mean, she's giving and caring and generally concerned about the welfare of others.
I can't be with someone like that.
- I see what you mean.
- I admire the hell out of her.
You can't have sex with someone you admire.
- Where is the depravity? - No depravity.
I mean, I look at her.
I can't imagine she even has sex.
On the other hand - What? - Thanks again for last night.
- Hey, I didn't even use one.
- Yeah.
- I thought you said it was imminent.
- It was.
But then I just couldn't decide if he was really spongeworthy.
Spongeworthy? Yeah, Jerry, I have to conserve these Sponges.
- But you like this guy.
- Isn't that what the Sponges are for? - Yes.
Before they went off the market.
But now I've got to re-evaluate my whole screening process.
I can't afford to waste any of them.
You know, you're nuts with these Sponges.
George is getting frustrated.
Cosmo Kramer.
- Okay.
You're checked in.
- Thank you.
- Here's your AIDS ribbon.
- No, thanks.
- You don't wanna wear one? - No, no.
- But you have to wear an AIDS ribbon.
- I have to? - Yes.
- See, that's why I don't want to.
But everyone wears the ribbon.
You must wear the ribbon.
You know what you are? You're a ribbon bully.
Hey! Hey, you, come back here! Come back here and put this on! Elaine and her Sponges.
She's got like a war chest full of them.
I don't see why you can't just use condoms.
Oh, no, no.
No, condoms are for single men.
The day that we got engaged, I said goodbye to the condom forever.
Just once, for the make-up sex.
Make-up sex? You have to have that right after the fight.
We're way past that.
- Come on, just once.
- No, no, I hate the condom.
Why? I can never get the package open in time.
- Well, you just tear it open.
- It's not that easy.
It's like Beat the Clock.
There's a lot of pressure there.
- Hey, where's your ribbon? - Oh, I don't wear the ribbon.
You don't wear the ribbon? Aren't you against AIDS? Yeah, I'm against AIDS.
I mean, I'm walking, aren't I? - I just don't wear the ribbon.
- Who do you think you are? - Put the ribbon on.
- Hey, Cedric, Bob.
This guy won't wear a ribbon.
Who? Who doesn't want to wear the ribbon? - So you think you're spongeworthy? - Yes, I think I'm spongeworthy.
I think I'm very spongeworthy.
Run down your case for me again.
Well, we've gone out several times.
We obviously have a good rapport.
I own a very profitable electronics distributing firm.
I eat well.
I exercise.
Blood tests, immaculate.
And if I can speak frankly, I'm actually quite good at it.
You gonna do something about your sideburns? - Yeah, I told you.
I'm gonna trim my sideburns.
- And the bathroom in your apartment? - Cleaned it this morning.
- The sink, the tub, everything clean? - Everything.
It's spotless.
- All right, let's go.
- Okay.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hey, look at this.
I just got a citation in the mail for my work with shut-ins.
Oh, the shut-ins, that's nice.
You know, they're a very eccentric group because they're shut in.
Of course, they're not locked in they're free to go at any time.
Oh, by the way, I checked at the soup kitchen, they do have cream soups.
Hey, that's dynamite.
You know, Lena I wanted to talk to you about something.
You know, because you're such a good person that l - Oh, hang on to that thought.
I'm rinsing a sweater.
I left the water running.
Hey, Jerry, can you get me a towel out of my bedroom closet? Oh, okay.
Oh, my God.
Look what's going on here.
She is depraved.
- There you are.
- Thanks.
- So you were saying? - What? Nothing.
No, you said I was a good person You seem like you wanna tell me something.
Tell you something? I do.
What is it, Jerry? You can tell me anything.
- You see these jeans I'm wearing? - Yeah? I change the 32 waist on the label to a 31 on all my jeans.
So you know That's it.
- Come on, George, just rip it open.
- I'm trying, damn it.
- Tear it from the side.
- I tried to tear it from the side.
I can't get a good grip.
You gotta do it like a bag of chips.
- Give it to me.
- Wait a second.
- Give it to me.
Give it to me.
- Wait a second.
You see? You see? I got it.
Come on.
Come on.
It's too late.
So, what's it going to be? Are you going to wear the ribbon? No.
Never.
But I'm wearing the ribbon.
He's wearing the ribbon.
We are all wearing the ribbon.
So why aren't you going to wear the ribbon? This is America.
I don't have to wear anything I don't want to! - What are we gonna do with him? - I guess we're just going to have to teach him to wear the ribbon.
- It completely turned her off.
- Well, I can see that.
Why do you have to do that for? Who cares about your pant size? I don't wanna be a 32.
I'd kill to be a 32.
She said I wasn't spongeworthy.
Wouldn't waste a Sponge on me.
I wish I had one.
That condom killed me.
Why do they have to make the wrappers so hard to open? It's probably so the woman has one last chance to change her mind.
You never run out, do you? Where's Kramer? - Everything's finished here.
- I told him he'd never make it.
He was up all night.
Oh, my God.
Kramer? Look at you.
I told you.
Up all night playing poker.
Come on.
Hey, where's your AIDS ribbon? - Good morning.
- Good morning.
How did you sleep? Great.
- You? - Fine, fine.
Everything okay? - Yep.
- No regrets? Nope.
- What are you doing? - What do you mean? Oh, I don't think so.
Why not? I thought you said everything was fine.
I wish I could help you, but I can't afford two of them.