Big Bang Theory s07e10 Episode Script

Previously on The Big Bang Theory Sheldon, did you just figure out a method for synthesizing a new stable super-heavy element? Did I?! Well, that can't be right.
No one's ever done that before.
Except me because I just did it! Sheldon and his brain, yeah Sheldon and his brain, yeah! I've made a horrible mistake.
What are you talking about? This table, it's in square centimeters I read it as square meters.
You know what that means? That Americans can't handle the metric system? Amy, I was off by a factor of 10,000.
But the Chinese team found the element.
Yeah, well, they shouldn't have.
My calculations were wrong.
The greatest scientific achievement of my life is based on a blunder.
I'm not a genius.
I'm a fraud.
You know, Sheldon, in neuroscience, we're forever finding something in one part of the brain that we thought was someplace else.
Oh, great, now I'm worse than a fraud.
I'm practically a biologist.
This is Science Friday.
I'm Ira Flatow.
My guest today is responsible for the discovery of the first stable super-heavy element.
Welcome, Dr.
Sheldon Cooper.
Thank you.
Uh, the university made me come here.
I didn't want to.
Uh, big fan of the show.
So, I understand that you actually discovered this element by mistake.
(sighs heavily) Yes.
And some people in the science community are calling it "The Wonder Blunder.
" Who? Give me their names.
I bet it's Wolowitz.
It's just such a fascinating story.
Your calculations are way off, but they find the element anyway.
It's like misreading a treasure map and still finding the treasure.
Can we talk about something else? Do you know that I yodel? That's interesting, but this could be taking you down the path toward a Nobel Prize.
And in chemistry, no less.
And wouldn't that be unusual? Because you're a physicist.
Yes, yes, I'd be a physicist with a Nobel in chemistry.
Everyone laugh at the circus freak.
You know, I don't need to sit here and take this, Flatow.
It is because of bullies like you, every day more and more Americans are making the switch to television.
Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started Wait! The Earth began to cool The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools We built the Wall We built the pyramids Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery That all started with a big bang Bang! President Seibert, I don't know why you're yelling.
You're the one who made me go on the radio.
I was expecting a professional science interview, not an attack by some morning zoo shock jock.
Well, if the university needs money so badly, perhaps you should start a swear jar.
Whoa! That one's worth a dollar.
I know you don't like it, but every time you do an interview, it raises the profile of the university.
That translates to funding.
Yeah, well, I'm not just some trained monkey dancing for coins.
Of course you're not.
People love trained monkeys.
How can you not be happy? You're tall, thin and famous.
Oh, my God, I'm jealous of Sheldon.
Look, you're gonna be doing this stuff for a while.
You're just gonna have to find a way to get used to it.
But none of you know what this is like.
Being celebrated for something you wish you never did.
Mmm you clearly haven't been with me at Mardi Gras.
Want to pause the video game and help me clean up? I am cleaning up.
Look at the mess the Joker made of Gotham City.
Come on, it's your friend who's coming to stay here.
Raj grew up in India.
Trust me, he's seen worse.
Howie.
I promise I'll help out the rest of the week.
The rest of the week? You said it was just gonna be a night or two.
Yeah, but if I told you a week, would you have said yes? No! Then you left me no choice.
I love Raj, but that's a long time for a house guest.
I know, but they're tenting his building.
He can't find a hotel he likes that allows dogs.
He's bringing Cinnamon? For a whole week! The nerve of some people.
Here comes the Embarrassment Express.
With stops at Fraudville WonderBlunderberg and Kansas City.
Because it's a hub.
(knocking on door) AMY: Sheldon, can I come in? Do you have cookies? No.
Good.
I don't deserve cookies.
Come in.
Wil? Hey, Sheldon.
It's been a while.
Why are you here? Amy said you were having a rough time, and I thought maybe we could talk.
Is that okay? Certainly.
Although right now, I'm having a rough time because there's three people in my room, and it's starting to feel like a discotheque.
Sheldon, you said you were unhappy getting attention for something you wished you never did.
Yeah, I know a little something about that.
Oh, nonsense, Wil.
Your endless tweets are not that bad.
I remember why it's been a while.
Sheldon, I was actually talking about when I was a kid on Star Trek.
How could you not like getting attention for playing Wesley Crusher? You were wonderful.
A know-it-all boy genius with an eidetic memory.
Who couldn't relate to that? Well, not everybody felt that way.
A lot of people really hated the character, and some of them hated me because of it.
I would do interviews, and people would be mean to me.
That just happened to me.
Next time you're stuck for a tweet, feel free to say what a jerk Ira Flatow is.
Sheldon, the point is Wil learned to embrace that part of his life and moved on to bigger and better things.
WHEATON: Yeah, I'm an author now, I do public speaking, and I have my own Web series about board games.
Uh We're trying to cheer him up, so (clicks tongue) I'm just saying that there was a time when I thought I would never get out of Wesley Crusher's shadow.
But now, it's just one small part of a pretty great life, and it's a part that I'm happy is there.
I do see what you're saying.
That helps.
Good.
Would you two like to stay and play trains with me? Sure.
Okay.
Oh, great! Now (clears throat) I work the controls.
I say "All aboard"" You sit quietly and watch.
Can I blow the whistle? You should probably go.
You're gonna brush your teeth on my couch? No, I'm gonna brush Cinnamon's teeth.
Why bother? She spends half the time licking her butt.
And the other half licking my face.
That's why I'm brushing her teeth.
Hey, guys.
Sorry I'm so late.
Did you already have dinner? No, we were waiting for you.
Aw, that's so sweet.
Yeah.
So what do you feel like making? Howard, the poor thing just got home from work.
Let me get you a glass of wine.
I'll cook dinner.
Oh, Raj, you're our guest.
KOOTHRAPPALI: Don't be silly.
Sit.
You look like you've had a long day.
No, she always looks like that.
Because she married an idiot.
Thank you, Raj.
KOOTHRAPPALI: Please, this is my way of thanking you for letting me stay here.
Now, tell us all about your day.
Okay, um, well, first, I was late to a meeting 'cause I was stuck in traffic.
Well, I keep telling you to put that traffic app on your phone.
Hey, when you got home today complaining that you felt sick from eating too many jelly beans, did I tell you how to fix it? No.
I said, "Aw, that must hurt," and I rubbed your belly.
I thought of you the whole time.
All I'm saying is there's a time to just listen.
Thank you.
There's also a time to stop eating too many jelly beans.
And it's when you're ten.
Hello, President Siebert.
Thank you for taking my call.
I just wanted you to know that you can now expect enthusiastic participation from me regarding my discovery.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No need to thank me.
Thank my friend, Wil Wheaton.
For your information, I have nine friends, hmm? Ten if we include you.
Nine it is.
Ah, it's ten.
I'll count Wolowitz.
Hello, friend Leonard.
Hey, you're in a good mood.
I'm in a great mood.
Well, you're about to be in an even better one.
I didn't want to say anything until I knew for sure, but I've been re-running the tests on your element in my lab and I disproved it.
Your element does not exist! Yeah, but what about the Chinese research team? They found it.
Yeah, it turns out someone added simulated signals to the data files.
They faked the results.
Really? Yes! Do you know what that means? That means all of this attention that you hate goes away.
So no more interviews? No, it's all over.
I can't believe it.
Well, you're welcome.
You robbed me of my greatest achievement! What?! I'm back down to nine friends! Make it eight-- I'm sick of Wolowitz, too! I-I don't understand.
All you've done since you discovered this stupid element was complain.
I was trying to make you happy! By taking away my only claim to fame? Well, if you wanted to make me happy, you could have told me a joke.
Or shown me a cute video of a koala and an otter becoming unlikely friends.
Oh, there is no winning with you.
And koalas and otters don't even live near each other! That's what makes their friendship unlikely! Hey! What's with all the yelling? Leonard disproved my element.
Now all the attention is going to go away.
Oh, that's great.
You must be thrilled! That's it! I'm down to seven friends.
He's counting hobbits and superheroes, right? When I thought the element was real, I didn't want it.
But now that Leonard made it not exist, I want it more than anything in the world.
The-the element never existed.
I didn't take it away, science took it away.
Be mad at science.
Don't you dare use science against me.
Science is my best friend! Oh, good, I'm back up to eight.
Will you tell him he's out of his mind.
Actually, I get what he's saying.
Oh, yes! Nine! Welcome back, buddy.
It's like if you're dating someone you're not that into, and then they break up with you and then you want them more than ever.
I have no idea what she's talking about.
but we're ganged up on you so I agree.
Okay, Sheldon, what do you want me to do, hide the information? If I don't publish it, it's just a matter of time before someone else does.
No, no, of course you have to publish.
That's your responsibility as a scientist.
Doing otherwise would be unethical.
You have no choice.
Fine, I'll publish.
Can you believe this guy? Aw! Raj did the dishes.
How do you know I didn't do them? Because once, when all the knives were dirty, you cut a bagel with your keys.
Good morning, everybody.
I picked up coffee while I was out.
Bernadette, here's your soy peppermint mocha.
Aw, you didn't have to do that.
Oh, my pleasure, and don't worry about your presentation today.
You're gonna be great.
Yeah, you're gonna knock it out of the park.
What presentation do I have today? Just go.
He loves you.
What are you doing? Are you trying to make me look bad? I'm just being a good house guest.
No, you're being a better husband than I am.
Doing the dishes, getting coffee, knowing about her life-- who does that? Oh, come on, I brought you one, too.
I don't want coffee.
That's why I got you hot chocolate.
Give me that.
Just stop showing me up.
Howard, listen to me.
You're a great husband.
Yes, your listening skills could use some work.
But it's amazing how far you've come given that you're an only child raised by an over-protective mom.
Um, is this getting weird? Hang on.
So, yes.
(knocking on door) LEONARD: Hey.
I just wanted to let you know that I-I posted my findings.
I saw.
And I just posted a retraction of my paper.
Now the whole scientific community knows I was wrong.
These things happen all the time, Sheldon.
Not to me.
The only other retraction I ever had to issue was when I was seven and I conceded that my brother was the greatest ninja in East Texas.
But that was just a ploy to get my face out of his armpit.
There he is! It's my favorite superhero-- the Retractor! Come on, don't give him a hard time.
I'm sorry, Cooper.
I retract it.
By the way, Hofstadter, nice job disproving the Chinese team.
It's not a big deal.
It's a huge deal.
Cooper, maybe physics just isn't your thing.
Have you ever considered a career in retail? That way you could take things back for a living.
Okay, Barry, that's enough.
Oh, no, that's okay.
I can fight my own battles.
Isn't that right, "Bawwy.
" Is? Is that a reference to my speech impediment? That's pretty hurtful.
I I can't control it.
You're right, That was uncalled for.
I take it back.
Of course you do.
Because you're the Retractor! Raj, this dinner was amazing.
If you're here much longer, I'm gonna have to buy bigger clothes.
Nonsense.
You need a little fattening up.
You've been looking too skinny lately.
Aw.
Howie, how come you never say anything sweet like that? What are you talking about? Remember last week, when I asked you if you were wearing Spanx and you weren't? How's that different? Maybe you could try being more thoughtful, like your friend Raj.
Yeah, well, maybe you could try being more like Raj.
Oh, really? Yeah, yeah.
He packed me a lunch this morning.
And there was a note inside that said, "Go get 'em"" Like I don't do enough around here.
Now I need to pack your lunch? And by the way, why do you need a note telling you to "go get 'em"? You're a grown man! You should know to "go get 'em"! I do know to "go get 'em"" but sometimes it's nice to have emotional support when I'm going and getting them! Hey, hey, do you hear yourselves? Let's just, you know, all calm down and take a step back.
This is stupid.
Why are we fighting? I don't know.
I guess I was just feeling like I'm a lousy husband.
You're not a lousy husband.
You're a great husband.
I was the one feeling like a lousy wife.
Are you kidding? You're the best.
I know what the problem is.
It's him! Oh, what did I do? You made us feel like we're not trying hard enough.
Yeah, we were totally fine half-assing our marriage till you showed up.
Look, I'm sorry you're upset with me, but I just have to say it's nice to see the two of you on the same page.
Oh, it does feel good to have you backing me up for once.
I back you up all the time! That is not He's doing it again! What is wrong with you?! I can't believe they kicked you out.
I can't believe they're still married.
Oh, no, I forgot Cinnamon's toothbrush at Howard's.
I guess you're sharing with Daddy again.
(whispering): Bark once if you need me to call PETA.
What's that animal doing in our apartment? Oh, relax, she's in her crate.
She can't get out.
I have two words for you: Jurassic Park.
This day just keeps getting worse and worse.
You know, if it makes you feel any better It probably won't.
You're probably right.
Sheldon, it's a beautiful night.
Why don't you and I go for a nice walk together? Oh, everything is just sex with you isn't it? Sheldon, I think you might find the support you're looking for, if you realize that relationships are a give and take.
She can only be there for you as much as you are for her.
Thank you, Rajesh.
And, Amy, you need to be patient with Sheldon, instead of pressuring him to accept intimacy on your terms.
You should probably go.
I'm Ira Flatow, and this is Science Friday.
I'd like to welcome back Dr.
Sheldon Cooper, who thought he had discovered a new super-heavy element only to have it disproved by my next guest, Dr.
Leonard Hofstadter.
Welcome to Science Friday, gentlemen.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Ira, if I may, I'd like to apologize for my behavior last week.
It's all right.
Now, isn't there something you'd like to say to me? No.
Now, Dr.
Hofstadter.
Can you walk us through the process you used to disprove his theory? Well I believe I can answer that.
He asked me.
Fine.
As I was saying You're telling it wrong.
Ira to really understand the story here, you have to start at the very beginning: A small town in East Texas, where a young genius named Sheldon That's right, Sheldon Cooper.
He was bitten by his neighbor's dog, leading to his first scientific breakthrough-- the doggie death-ray.
Which, sadly, he couldn't build because Santa wouldn't bring him enriched uranium.
I mean, I'd really like to hear it from Dr.
Hofstadter, if it's okay with you.
What a surprise.
Did-did you invite me back just so you could ignore me? Actually, I didn't invite you.
You came in, you took a seat, and I'm not comfortable with confrontation.
LEONARD: Sheldon, this interview is supposed to be about me.
SHELDON: Well, that seems like a snooze.
Even for public radio.
You know, if we did a shot every time they said something embarrassing, this would be one hell of a drinking game.
A little early for alcohol, isn't it? SHELDON: You know, I don't just say smart things about science.
I also yodel.
(Sheldon yodeling) I'll get the vodka.