Married with Children s07e10 Episode Script

Isn't this great? Look at the Duke.
One of his finest films: I Shoot Them Because They're Injuns.
As a woman viewer what's your opinion, pumpkin? Daddy, I would rather be reading.
Does that tell you anything? Lt tells me you're a girl.
Which means your opinion means less to me than the dog's.
Bud, what do you think? I'm thinking this Duke guy walks a lot like you when you have to go to the bathroom.
I copied that walk.
I figured the reason he does it like that is because no one in these movies ever goes to the bathroom.
That's what the folks in show biz called subtext.
I wonder what kind of toilet paper they used to use in the Old West.
Thank you for getting him started on this.
Oh, my God.
It's the Duke.
Now he's gonna start wondering when they went to the bathroom.
And who invented the toilet bowl.
It'd make a better movie than that damn Columbus.
After all, America was already here.
It takes some thought to think up a toilet bowl.
Does this Duke guy still make movies? No.
Duke is dead.
And what about that guy, Daddy? Does he still make movies? Blackie Rabinowitz, king of the bad guys.
Alas, he's dead too.
And what about the white guy playing the Indian? He's dead.
What about the white guy playing the black guy? Dead.
- And him? - Dead.
- And him? - Dead.
They're all dead.
Everyone in every movie I like is dead.
Only me and Charlton Heston are still alive.
Wait, look, it's Fuzzy.
See him, with his hat turned sideways? That's how you know he's a sidekick.
Look at this, Fuzzy's riding his mule, Dadgummit, backwards.
Fuzzy McGee, the greatest of the sidekicks.
Now, look.
He's gonna chaw, then spit.
He's hitting that mule on the foot.
Now watch, now watch.
He's gonna go, "Whoa.
" Fuzzy McGee, he's still alive.
Matter of fact, he's still working.
He just made a commercial just the other day.
You know, that one for adult diapers, Soak 'Ems.
You remember.
" For when you just can't quite say 'whoa' anymore.
" Oh, Fuzzy McGee.
He'll outlive us all.
We interrupt Western Geezer Theatre for a special announcement.
Chicago's beloved Fuzzy McGee better known to our younger viewers as Sheriff Soak 'Ems died today.
Fuzzy is survived by his trusty mule, Dadgummit.
I can't believe this.
Everybody's dead.
Makes you think about things, Peg.
Life and death where we're headed, what's it all mean? Why, when a woman's shoe size is nine, her sock size is 10 to 13.
It just doesn't make any sense.
I think that's the one that bothers me the most.
Don't worry, honey.
You know, men have confusing sizes too.
I mean, look how big your thumbs are and yet Fuzzy McGee.
Fuzzy was married three times.
He had 10 children, and 22 grandchildren.
Not to mention millions of fans all around the world.
Never was a man so beloved.
Well, I guess we're all here.
Anyhow, he died.
So will you.
So will I.
I'm depressed, I'm going home.
Well, boy, I guess you and me are the only one who cares.
Well, I guess it is up to I to speak at Fuzzy's last roundup.
Fuzzy McGee.
There was a man and a great sidekick.
Where are today's sidekicks? Oh, the potential of a young Rick Moranis or a Steve Guttenberg or Martin Short.
Oh, the goofy, limping, word-mispronouncing sidekicks they could be.
But instead they wanna be stars.
Good luck.
Short couldn't even hold his own in Three Amigos.
But Fuzzy knew his place.
He was a sidekick.
He was a wuzzy-wuzzy sidekick, wasn't he? He really was.
Well, Fuzzman, this one's for you.
Excuse me, sir.
My grandfather died.
He loved "O Sole Mio.
" Two dollars, you sing to him? We're talking about cash, right? Peg, good news.
They've raised minimum wage for the bald? You don't deserve it, but I'll tell you.
I've been singing and my throat is parched.
Does a body good.
Wait a sec, got some milk stuck in my teeth, Peg.
Peg I need to talk to you.
After watching that movie, it made me think about where I wanna spend my final resting place.
So I went right out today and I bought a plot.
I couldn't wait.
Because I've decided that I wanna spend eternity next to someone that I really, really love.
Oh, Al.
So I decided to be buried next to old Fuzzy.
Oh, honey.
And the mule.
Oh, sweetheart.
You know, honey, they really don't need their own plot.
Sweet of you to think of them, though.
Hell are you talking about? I'm gonna be buried next to Fuzzy McGee and Dadgummit the mule.
Well, what about me? Come on, Al.
Let me be dead with you.
You know, we never do anything together anymore.
If this is the way you repay my love when you die, I'm gonna bury you in a dress with white hose that make your legs look thick.
- Hi.
- Hi.
We were just wondering, do you know where Seven is? - No.
- Well, let me put your mind at rest.
He's been living with us for the last three days.
- He walked in and wouldn't leave.
- He's improving slowly.
He still can't read, write, or use a knife and fork but he has learned how to chant " Kill the Bundys" with the other neighbours.
If you don't mind, we were thinking of renaming him Henry, after my father.
- Sure, that's all right with me.
- What do we care, do what you want.
What we want is for you to come and get him.
He's irritating.
He calls us Dad and Little Dad.
Marcie, we don't have time for this now.
We are in the middle of an argument.
Al doesn't wanna be buried next to me.
Isn't that the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard? Well, frankly, yes.
I think when two people take the marriage vows, it's sacred.
That's why I'm going to be buried next to my husband Steve.
My name is Jefferson.
And I'm your husband now.
And, oh And by the way we are not in bed, so there's no excuse for calling me Steve.
He is your ex-husband.
Oh, don't take it personally.
Every woman screams out "Steve" during sex.
Don't they, Peggy? Not me, it's too long a name.
Oh, now, don't pout.
You've got all this now, you're already in heaven.
Oh, God.
Why worry about later.
Oh, so I'm just the one sharing a bed with you in these, your declining years.
I want you to take care of me when I'm dead.
I want my hair done by my own hairdresser not the guy down at the mortuary.
You know, the guy who does Al's hair.
I'm warning you, Marcie.
I'm not gonna soap up and dance for you until this is provided for.
You have to tonight, my mother's coming.
Marcie, I made that videotape for her so she wouldn't have to come over.
Oh, I'm telling you, I think I feel a headache coming on.
Oh, all right.
You know I can't say no to you.
- Oh, Steve.
- Steve? All right, we are going home and I am gonna rock the Steve out of you, baby.
It always works.
Why don't you ever rock me, Al? Because I'd rather stone you.
Peg, I've been thinking, I've got one pair of clean underwear from that three-pack you bought me in the spring of '79.
I'd like to be buried in that.
Fine.
Impress Fuzzy with the underwear that I bought you for our 13th anniversary.
You know, you male corpses are all alike.
Never a thought for the woman who spent her life getting you into that grave.
You have no idea what it's like out there.
A dead woman alone.
No man is interested in a dead woman.
And if he is, he wants a dead young woman.
Boy, my life is over.
I'm gonna be a dead woman with children.
Oh, my God.
Who will want to marry a dead woman with children? Maybe Mickey Rooney.
Yeah, by the time I'm dead, I'll be lucky if it's Andy Rooney.
I'm not kidding, Al.
I wanna be buried with you.
- I feel a whine coming on.
- Oh, God, no.
- Yep, yep, I feel it coming.
- Hey, no.
Al! Al! I don't wanna be alone.
You don't love me.
Oh, all right, Peg! You've already ruined my whole life, you may as well ruin my death.
Oh, Al.
"Oh, Al," indeed.
- Here's a fine casket.
- Very nice.
And this one is top of the line.
Solid bronze with a comfy velvet lining.
Oh, my God, there's a dead man in it.
Harry, he looks like somebody dug him up.
How long was I out? Gee, they must have smelled you father's socks.
Mom, if I may be so bold set aside the funds you were gonna spend today and trust us to handle the details when the dark day comes.
I thought you said we were gonna throw them on the grill and flush their ashes down the toilet.
Have you changed your mind? What, are you getting soft? You two scamps certainly have a fine sense of humour.
Well, it's Yeah.
Honey, we have to buy and we have to buy today.
So you like this one? - Yes, I do.
- Well, I don't.
I'd like to see something else.
We need a little more room up top.
You know, for my hair.
Oh, yes, well with a little customizing, we can give you a bubble top.
Designed to bring big hair safely into eternity.
Gee, Al, I have a bubble top.
And you will as long as they make strong bras.
- You love the guys.
- I do.
I must say, you two are planning your funeral a bit early.
You must have some terminal disease.
Yes marriage.
Yes, we get quite a few of those.
Most people feel that marriage eases the transition to death.
If you'll excuse me, I see some customers.
- So we are gonna burn them? - Yes, that's what I was trying Say, you kids dying? No, virgins are just pale.
Thus, the healthy hue on her face.
So you're brother and sister.
Well, it's never too early to plan you funeral.
With the world being what it is today, let's face it you kids don't stand a chance.
I can't say that I'm not pleased about it, though.
A lot of young people are planning their funeral nowadays.
It's the hep thing to do.
In the funeral business, we say: "Can you dig it?" Sir, you are one cool ghoul.
Yes, indeedy-oso.
Let's talk coffin, shall we? This one just screams you, young fellow.
This is our Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle coffin.
I understand Michael Jackson got one for Macaulay.
It's a surprise.
Oh, my brother doesn't need a coffin.
You can just put him into a Trix box.
She only says that because I do it like a bunny.
Kids, don't you think that Daddy should wear his wedding ring when he's dead? I married till death do us part.
Which means when I'm dead, I'm free to date.
This is it? This is your final resting place? Well, there's no spot for me.
That's why it's called a resting place.
Well, it sucks.
I wanna be buried above ground.
I don't like all those insects bothering me.
They always bite me.
It's because I'm so sweet.
Maybe it's because of the 200 bonbons she puts away every week.
I want another spot.
Fine, Peg, get yourself another spot.
But I have my spot.
I'm going to be buried next to the Fuzzball.
You'd better let me know if you don't want it.
Because Fuzzy McGee was considered a genius in France.
I believe they called him Le Grand Fuzz.
When news of his passing hits Paris, this place will be swarming with a lot ruder people than you two.
I was smart to buy when I did.
Would you tuck that big hair back into your nose.
Now do you see why I ordered a bubble top for him too? You know, by the way I have heard that your nose hairs continue to grow after death.
So could you bury him face up? That way, the nose hairs can sort of break through and it'll be like we have our own tree.
- And it'll be free.
- Yeah.
Anyway, I wanna be buried next to Al.
This is what we're gonna do: We're just gonna move Fuzzy over.
Who's got that one next to him? That's reserved for his beloved mule.
Well, certainly we can move the mule.
We'll just chop him up and bury him in some crummy cans of dog food.
That way, everybody's a winner.
Then, we dig up the Fuzzster, put him into the mule hole and I will go here.
Then Al and I can be together forever.
Hasn't it already been forever? Honey, just pretend we're in bed, and let me take care of everything.
How much for everything? All right, let's see.
That's bubble tops, digging up dead man ignoring deceased's last wish grinding up mule into pulp.
Tax plus tip.
Let's say $27,000.
Well, we might have to cut out a few frills.
How much is it if it's just for the two plots and you toss us in.
That depends.
Are we doing the digging, or are you? Well, I figured the wife would.
Let's cut to the bottom of the grave, sir.
What do you have to spend? A hundred dollars.
You looky-loos.
It's people like you who take the joy out of death.
Oh, say, you folks look real sick.
And your daughter looks like she'd be mighty grateful to save a buck if you know what I mean.
Peg, it's a shame.
We don't have enough money to bury you.
But I'm gonna be dead alone.
Oh, man, I can't wait.
Well, what about me? Well, Peg, I don't care about you, you work it out for yourself.
Bury yourself wherever you want, I'm not moving.
Well, Fuzzy, just me and you now.
Thank God, she'd have driven you crazy.
And, by the way, in case you overheard I never would have let her move Dadgummit, I love that damn mule.
Hey, by the way, we might be getting a tree.
Oh, man, the time we're gonna have.
I'll tell you about all my high school football stories.
You can tell me where they used to go to the bathroom in the Old West.
My guess is it's by the horse, so you could blame him.
Okay, Al.
We took care of everything.
- And it's only gonna cost you $100.
- It doesn't involve moving me? Nope, you stay where you are, next to Fuzzy.
Fine, then I don't care.
What are you doing, Peg? Well, I'm just showing you where I'm gonna be.
We're gonna share a grave.
They're gonna stack us.
Isn't that great? And whoever dies first is on the bottom.
Well, that'll be me! I know!