South Park s07e10 Episode Script

"Grey Dawn" Friends, we gather in this place to mourn the victims of yesterday's tragedy.
Nine good people who were run over in the street by an elderly woman driver.
Oh God, memorial services are so boring.
You insensitive asshole, Cartman! Nine people died! Yeah, but like, eight of them were hippies.
Mostly hippies go to farmer's markets.
Mostly.
It is sometimes hard, in times like these, to understand God's way.
Why would he allow nine innocent people to be run down in the prime of their lives by a senior citizen who, perhaps, shouldn't be driving? It is then that we must understand, God's sense of humor is very different from our own.
He does not laugh at the simple "man walks into a bar" joke.
No, God needs complex irony and subtle farcical twists that seem macabre to you and me.
All that we can hope for is that God got his good laugh and a tragedy such as this will never happen again.
Look out! Huh? Was that a stop sign back there? I think I hit a pothole.
Hey Dad, how come they let old people drive? Well, Stan, it's a very fragile issue.
But they kill people.
Sometimes, yes, but senior citizens have to be dealt with very gingerly, Stan.
We can't just take their licenses away.
I'll be God-damned if they think they can take my license away! Oooh, hi Dad.
I heard what you said! You wanna take drivin' privileges away from seniors! Well let me tell you something, peckerface! I worked fifty five years in the steel mill! Yes Dad.
And I flew Spitfires over Germany in World War II! - Yes I know.
- And I will be God-damned if the government thinks it can step in and take away my right to drive! I think old people should have rights, Grandpa.
I just don't wanna die.
Damnit Mona, this isn't the fastest way to Country Kitchen Buffet! No, but it's the shortest.
I save the most gas that way.
You save more gas if you take the highway to Country Kitchen Buffet! Less miles means less gas, you old fool.
There's Country Kitchen right there! Where? Right there! You're gonna miss it! Is this the parking lot? I think so.
Another death tonight by a senior citizen motorist.
Carl Zorn of Pine Junction was killed instantly when struck by a vehicle driven by Pete and Lydia Malman, who were trying to find Country Kitchen Buffet.
This latest tragedy comes only two days after the accident in Deer Creek, where three construction workers and a bulldozer were run down by senior citizen Paul Thom, who was trying to find Country Kitchen Buffet.
Public outcry is forcing the DMV to consider suspending the licenses of all seniors over seventy, though no decision has yet to be made.
Seniors of South Park, I don't know about you, but I am mad as hell! Yeah! I'm sick of having my mental condition come into question! We need to let everyone know we're pissed off, and we're not gonna take it anymore! Yeah! Yeah! That's right, Pete! That's right! Now, can anybody remember what we're pissed off about? Now, remember we're all pissed about something and uh that's why we had this meeting, but I can't for the life of me re Oooo.
Was it the kids skateboarding on the sidewalks? No? Oh, I remember! They're gonna take our licenses away! Yeah! Yeah! That's right! That's right! They're gonna try and take our licenses away! And I, for one, am mad as hell! Me too! Yeah, that's right! And mine too! I'm sick of having my mental condition come into question! So now, what are we gonna do about it? Do about what? They're gonna take our licenses away.
They are? They can't do that! That's right.
So you know what I think we should do? I think we should have a senior citizens' meeting! Get all the seniors together at the community center and unite! Great idea, Marvin! Wait, ah I think we're having that meeting right now.
Oh, right, this is the meeting.
Right.
To get those damn kids to stop skateboarding on the sidewalks! Yeah! Yeah! That's right! Someone's gotta stop them! Sharon, have you seen Dad? He's not here, hun.
He's having a meeting with all the seniors in town at the community center.
Oh.
Wait a minute.
If all the seniors in town are at a meeting, that means that when the meeting gets out Every senior in town will be driving home At the same time.
Oh my God! Get inside! Get inside! Seniors' meeting getting out! Get off the streets! All right, great meeting everyone.
Let's do it again sometime.
So long, everybody.
Goodbye, Missy.
Get off the streets! Get off the streets! Old people are driving! Gerald! Where are the boys? We've gotta get out of here! The boys, Gerald! Where are they? They, they're they're playing street hockey! Oh my God! With just ten seconds to go, the offense makes its move.
Marsh heads for the goal and paases the ball to the poor kid.
The poor kid hands it out to the Jew! The Jew shoots.
Awww, and the shot is blocked again, proving once and for all that Jews cannot play hockey! It isn't fair.
Cartman's fatter than the goal.
I'm not fat.
I just have a sweet hockey body.
Get off the streets! Get off the streets! Dude, look! Get off the streets! Get off the streets! - What is that? - I don't know.
Get off Get straight off the streets! Dude, is that your dad? I think so.
Looks like Stan's dad's been hittin' the bottle again.
Streets! - What is he saying? - I can't understand him.
Calm down! We cannot understand you! Ohhhhh, look! You guys! - Oh Jesus! - Old people! Come on! Oh God, they're coming! Get over there! Stay low! Why are they all out driving at the same time? It's okay, boys.
They're gone.
Let's just lay low for a minute until we can find-- I don't remember there being a building here.
Run! I told you to turn left, Larry.
Get up the stairs! Up the stairs! Come on! Come on! Aah! There's another one! Excuse me, is this Costello Avenue? In here! They're not gonna stop until we're all dead! Quiet! Keep quiet! Dad, I'm scared.
Just, keep your voices down.
We'll stay the night in here.
We'll stay the whole winter if we have to.
I'm not staying the winter in this room! We just need to tell old people they can't drive anymore! Awgh.
Stan, it's not that simple! Just relax while I find the lights.
Here we go.
How the hell did we get up here? I told you this was the wrong way! Tom, I'm standing outside of the Department of Motor Vehicles, where senior citizens have until 3 PM to hand over their driver's licenses.
The new law was passed just three days after the Night of Horror, in which all seniors were out driving at the same time, causing fourteen deaths and three million dollars in damage.
Alrighty.
There we go.
Next? It ain't right what you're doin'! I never had an accident in my life! That's right.
You shouldn't punish all of us.
We're sorry, but this is the only way to be sure.
Next please.
There we go.
But how am I supposed to get to the grocery store? Or the pharmacy to buy medicine? Well, maybe you should be in a nursing home.
Hmmm? Some of us would rather die! Well, we can certainly help you with that, too.
We aren't second-class citizens! That's right! You can take our licenses, but you'll never take our pride! Yeah Ooooh, isn't this great, you guys? Being able to walk the streets now that old people are confined to their homes where they belong? Billy, get in the car! I need you boys to help me pick up my new Hov-Around.
Uh, Grandpa, I don't think you're supposed to be driving.
God-damnit Billy! You're supposed to listen to your dad, right? Well I'm your dad's dad, and that means you get in this car before I tan all your hides! Well, look at it this way: Statistically speaking, we're safer inside a car with an old person driving than outside.
My God, he's right.
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee, even though I walk through the valley of death.
Guys, I don't know if I ever told you this, but, well, I love you guys.
Except for you, Kyle.
Okay, all set? Asshole! Ooooh my God! Ah, I think there's a police car behind you, Grandpa.
Go around.
Go around, you moron! Blue Impala, pull your vehicle over! I believe that's us Thank God.
Could I see your license, please? I ain't got one! You peckers took it! Well then, I have to take you to jail.
You just try taking me to jail, scrotum-head! You just try! Stupid son of a-- God damnit! I just got him right here, Mr.
Marsh.
Oh brother.
Well, good job, Dad! Look at you now! Oh God damnit, don't you lecture me, you son of a bitch! You just had to be so damn stubborn, didn't you? Now my son is gonna talk to me like I'm twelve.
We're not treating you like children, Dad.
All right? Now I think you owe Mr.
Police Officer an apology.
Who needs to apologize, hm? Who's the sorry-sorry? Kiss my sagging ass! Well fine.
I was gonna bail you out, but maybe you can just sit here for a bit and think about what you did! Well I won't be sitting here long! I've already called the AARP! What's that? The American Association of Retired Persons! The largest political group in the country! When seniors like me are bein' descriminated against, the AARP comes and sets it right! And you're gonna be sorry when they get here! And so you see, children, Genghis Khan was a "Mongol," not to be confused with a "mongoloid" like the actor, Nicholas Cage.
Okay now, who can tell me in what year the first film by a mongoloid That's odd.
Those ROTC guys are way off course.
More old people! The American Association of Retired Persons.
Stay in your seats, children.
I'll be right back.
Set up a perimeter! Bring Bravo Team to Point Delta! Bravo Team is go.
Move! Move! Move! Let's go! Let's go! Uh, can I help you folks find something? Oowww! Old people gone mad! Contact.
Put your hands up, young man! - Marvin Marsh? - Yes? I'm Bill Stewart, President of the AARP.
Hu-we've come to help the seniors in this town fight back.
Oh, it's nice to meet ya, Bill.
We came as fast as we could.
We just had to stop by Country Kitchen Buffet first.
It's the nursing home! Liberate our comrades! There now, Mr.
Johnson.
We can go to the cafeteria and get you some creamed corn and toast.
Can I help you? Help this! The revolution is on, brother! We're taking control of the town! Well, alright, well it's about damn time! Hey everyone, we're taking the town.
Seniors, we're taking the town over.
The revolution is on! The revolution? Oh, I'd better get my other sweater.
Mrs.
Wyland, seniors are taking over the town.
Would you like a gun? Oh, I suppose so.
What the hell is going on? Shut your piehole and get over there! - Randy, what is this? - Hey! You are now under the authority of the AARP! Ha! There you go, Mr.
Smartmouth! Look at you now! Dad, what are you doing? The AARP is gonna help us take this town until we get our licenses back! Yeah, and we're gonna ask for more money in Medi-Care, too! - That's right.
- Yeah.
Have you all got Alzheimer's? The-they're not gonna listen to a bunch of whacked out senior citizens.
We'll tell them if they don't give us our demands, we'll start killin' hostages! Huh, right.
They're gonna really believe that.
Isn't that a little extreme, Bill? Heh? No, we gotta be tough! Just like with those damned Japs! This is insane, Dad! You all need to stop right now before more people get hurt.
The time when you can tell me what to do is over, pucky-boy! We're in charge now! All right, we've got control of the Mayor's office and the fire station.
Reinforcements have arrived from the nursing home in Conifer.
Good! Hell, us senior citizens could take over the entire country! We've got company! Attention, seniors: Lay down your weapons and turns yourselves over! Mrs.
Applegate, show 'em we mean business.
All right.
What do you want? We want our licenses back! Yeah! That's right.
And we want more money in Medi-Care! Yeah! And we want those damned kids to stop skateboardin' on the sidewalk! Yeah! Hey Dad.
Stan! Boys! You're safe! Dad, why is everyone letting old people do this? Why doesn't somebody stop them? They've tried to stop them, son, but The seniors get up so early in the morning they get everything done before everyone else is even awake! They're saying something about taking over the whole country.
Yes.
And now seeing how early they get up, I don't see how anyone can stop them.
Wait a minute.
You boys! You get up almost as early as they do! You can fight them! No.
Come on, Dad.
Can't you guys do it? No, son.
We like to sleep in.
Two hostages come front and center! They're coming! Get out of here before they see you! Run to the hills and find a way to fight them.
Go! Boys, avenge me! Avenge me! All right, check it out.
Kenny did reconnaissance on the town.
The old people have blockades here and here.
The old ladies are keeping watch in towers around the perimeter, and the leaders along with my grandpa are most likely in the Mayor's office.
So our only solution is to cut off their life force.
We can't fight them, Cartman.
No.
But we can sneak into town and shut down their food supply.
Here.
Country Kitchen Buffet? Yeah.
You take out Country Kitchen Buffet, and old people won't know what to do.
That's a retarded idea, Cartman! Is it? Two years ago, they closed the Country Kitchen Buffet in Steamboat Springs.
And all the old people died of starvation in less than a week.
Yeah, I remember hearing about that.
Ech, even if it could work, how would we go about shutting it down? I think I have a plan, though we'll have to do it tonight.
We'll start by sneaking into town, cleverly disguised as black people.
At 5:45, Kenny and Kyle split off and set a diversion on the east end of town.
Meanwhile, Stan and I sneak into the Mayor's office and steal some of the explosives the old people have stashed.
Nine o'clock, we rendezvous at the Country Kitchen Buffet, where we strap the explosives and the timer to Kyle's chest.
We say our tearful goodbyes to Kyle, and then we send him inside.
Yeah, or we just go to Country Kitchen Buffet and lock it from the inside so the seniors can't get in.
Well, right, or we could always do that.
All right everyone, round up your ammunition and get ready to move! We're takin' this war further out! All right! I appreciate what the AARP is tryin' to do for us, but uh, all we want is our licenses back.
Huh? Heck no! This is goin' too well.
We're gonna take the whole country back.
Wipe out everyone below the age of sixty five! Wipe 'em out? What are you? Senile? Come on, everyone! It's time to plan Phase 2! What the heck? Huh? What is this?! It's 6 AM.
C-Country Kitchen should be open! It's not open? It has to be! Try a window.
They're blocked from the inside.
No Let us in! Let us in! Open the door! It's 6 AM.
- Open the Country Kitchen Buffet for us! - You have to let us in! All right everyone, area secure.
Collect their weapons and free the hostages.
That was a great strategy, boys.
You may very well have saved this entire country.
Whoa-ho-ho-ooh, what happened? Is it over? Everything is fine.
Control of the town is back to you folks.
Country Kitchen Wha-what happened? Sir, what should we do with this one? It's up to the townspeople.
Well, I think he learned his lesson.
Huh? Don't you feel silly now, Dad? I think somebody owes us all an apology.
Yes he does.
Oh, stop it, Dad! This is partly your fault! Huh? Look, all Grandpa wants is not to be talked to like a child.
I think half of what he was angry about wasn't what you were doing, but how you were doing it.
That's right.
And Grandpa, you should be proud that you made it through life to be a senior, but you should also realize that, when you get behind the wheel, you're a killing machine.
I know.
I guess sometimes us seniors need to know when to stop driving so we don't put the responsibility on our families.
Well, I think this has been a real learning experience for the Marsh family.
People died, but we all grew a little.
Let's just go home.
Sure.
I'll drive.
That's our Grandpa.
Dude, I hate my family.