Frasier s07e11 Episode Script

FRASIER: Previously onFrasier There is absolutely no reason this can't be connected to some submerged anxiety.
I mean, what's bothering you? The only women in my life are friends.
Roz and Daphne.
Daphne's not even here anymore.
She'll be married soon.
It's been nice having her here.
I really do love Daphne.
DAPHNE: It's about Dr.
Crane.
I overheard him say he's in love with me.
Geez, not this.
You knew about this? I kept my mouth shut for six years.
I'm not saying anything now.
Of course I love you, Daphne, but as a friend, that's all.
When I said to your father, "Dr.
Crane's in love with me," he said it's been going on for six years now.
What did he mean by that? He meant Niles.
He's crazy about you.
Oh, good Lord, Dad.
You've been tinkering with that thing for hours.
Now, don't you think maybe Dancin' Santa could sit this Christmas out? Oh, I got to get him ready for your big party tomorrow night.
(doorbell rings) Oh, no need, Dad.
There'll be plenty of things to delight my guests.
We'll be caroling and playing games.
Oh, and I'll be reading A Child's Christmas in Wales to bring the evening to a close.
Oh, that should do it.
Hey, Frasier.
Oh, hello, Roz.
Hey, Martin.
MARTIN: Hey, Roz.
I can't stay.
I just stopped by to drop off your punchbowl.
Well, thank you, Roz.
Say, what kind of punch did you serve? Well, first I filled it with ice.
Then I just poured orange juice and vodka over it.
Well, Roz, that's just a giant screwdriver.
Yeah so, what am I, Martha Stewart? Fine.
Thanks anyway.
You know, I'm really going to be needing this bowl tomorrow evening.
There's going to be a crowd of guests.
I've invited the entire building, including Cam Winston.
Oh In the spirit of Christmas, I've decided to put an end to our feud.
What are you feuding about? Oh, he parks his SUV right next to Frasier's Beemer.
Yes, well, that car is grotesquely oversized.
I've often been forced to exit from the passenger side.
Many a time, I've been brought to grief on my gear shift.
Why doesn't he just back in? Are you kidding? He can barely hit that space even when the guy's car isn't there.
Hi, Roz.
ROZ: Hey, Daphne.
Bye, guys.
FRASIER: Bye, Roz! You leaving? ROZ: Yeah.
Actually, there's something I'd like to talk to you about.
What is it? The other day, I found out something about Dr.
Crane I wasn't supposed to know.
Frasier? No, his brother.
Apparently, he's had a crush on me for years.
(sighing): Thank God.
What do you mean, "thank God"? I've been afraid for months I'd be the one to blow the secret.
You mean you knew? Well, everybody kind of did.
And nobody said anything? Well, if Niles wasn't ready to say anything, it wasn't our place to do it.
Well, who spilled the beans? It was Frasier, wasn't it? Yeah, but he doesn't know he told me.
He doesn't? No, he was on those painkillers for his back, and well, I can't very well discuss it with Dr.
Crane.
He's so close to Dr.
Crane.
If I told him, he might tell Dr.
Crane, and then Dr.
Crane might feel embarrassed.
Yeah.
Why confuse things? The whole thing's just a bit awkward.
Well, I don't see why.
Niles has a girlfriend now, so obviously he's gotten over you, and you're engaged to Donny.
(chuckling): I suppose when you look at it like that, there's really no reason to feel awkward.
Well, there's a Christmas tableau-- naughty and nice.
Hello, Dr.
Crane.
Hello, Daphne.
I'd see you inside, but I just have to take out the garbage.
It's in my pockets.
Morning, everyone.
Hey, Niles.
Hello, Niles.
Frasier, I brought those caroling books you asked for.
Ooh, thank you so much.
Oh, yes, here we are.
(chuckling) Preferred Songs from a Victorian Christmas andElizabethan Tidings of Joy.
Now we're ready to party.
(laughing) So, Niles, what do you think? Should we start with the caroling or should we hold off until we've played a spirited game of the Minister's Cat? Start with the game.
Uh-huh.
Then the caroling.
Then perhaps the guests will be ready for another game.
Yeah, Russian roulette.
Yes, well, I'm off.
Oh, Niles, if you're not busy this evening, perhaps you could help me string popcorn garlands.
Uh, unfortunately, I have to see Maris tonight.
MARTIN: Maris? What the hell do you have to see her for? Sadly, to pay my condolences.
It seems our old gardener has passed away unexpectedly.
Oh, not Yoshi.
Gosh, that's too bad.
He had a heart attack when he was out trimming Maris' elaborate hedge maze.
The paramedics never had a chance.
No.
Well, I feel bad about Yoshi, but are you sure it's a good idea spending the evening with Maris? Well, she's terribly upset.
Maris and Yoshi were very close.
In fact, I remember he once made a topiary likeness of her and wept without shame when it developed root rot.
Well the problem is I have to cancel on Mel tonight.
Oh, really? Well, Niles, if you want my advice, I wouldn't mention Maris to Mel.
What? The last thing a new girlfriend wants to hear is that you're consoling your ex-wife.
Well, I hate to lie to Mel although I do see your point, Frasier.
(laughing): Hey there he goes.
Dad, Santa's back.
MARTIN: Yeah.
It's the darndest thing.
Every year, when I take him out of the box, something's wrong with him, but I always manage to fix him again.
NILES: Oh, good for you, Dad.
I told you to dunk it under water.
I did.
KENNY: Hey, Doc.
Merry Christmas.
Oh, hi, Kenny.
My! The station has certainly outdone itself this year with the Christmas- in-Mexico theme.
It was my idea.
It hit me when I realized their sauces are red and green.
(laughing): Ah, well that's why you are the boss.
(laughing) Hey, Frasier, what time's your party tonight? Shh! Please, keep your voice down.
You're the only one from the station I've invited.
The only one? Yes.
Oh, don't worry, there'll be scads of people, because I invited everyone in my building.
7:00.
Okay.
All right.
Oh, Gil Merry Christmas.
And to you, Frasier.
Oh, thank you.
I hope you saved room for dessert.
Have you been baking? I have.
Gingerbread men.
Oh, my, and don't they look muscular? Yes, well, the wife and I made a new year's resolution.
Mm-hmm.
Deb and I have joined a gym to slim down and buff up.
We made these to inspire us.
Ah, yes.
Nothing strengthens a dieter's resolve like a good motivational pastry.
(laughing) Precisely.
Problem is, they're so delicious, I've already had three.
This is my last little man, I promise.
Mm! Oh, Gil, who are you kidding? No one, Gil.
Frasier Mel? Hello.
Well, gosh, I never expected to see you here.
Oh, well, I was one of the doctors onHealth Chat during cosmetic surgery week.
I did a segment on breast augmentation.
Oh, how uplifting.
(laughing) Yes, well Niles is hanging up our coats.
So, did you two have a good dinner last night? Oh, uh, no, no.
Actually, we didn't have dinner last night.
I was too busy planning my party.
But, please, don't mention that to any of my colleagues.
They're not invited.
Mel? Frasier, Frasier, glad I saw you.
Listen, about last night-- if Mel should ask Oh, dear.
Oh, no.
Oh, yes.
And you? I'm afraid so.
Damn you! Well, I You're the one who told me to lie to her.
Now you fail to back me up.
Well, I'm a little preoccupied.
I'm having a party tonight for 200 people! Well, I won't lie to you, Doc.
This hurts.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
Oh, Mel, Mel, darling, please darling, please, come here, darling, sweetheart.
Niles, Niles I know you're upset, darling, but listen.
Please, we're at a party.
All right, all right, you're right.
Uh, we'll talk about it later.
No, no, no, we'll talk about it now.
Just put on your party face.
Don't embarrass me as if I could be further embarrassed after you lied to me.
I can explain.
No, no, no, uh, you don't need to.
When a man lies about where he's been, it's not hard to guess the reason.
So, what's the little whore's name? (chuckling) No, no, no, darling, the reason I told you that I was dining with Frasier was actually, I was out Yes? getting your Christmas present.
My present? Uh-huh.
Oh, darling, I'm so sorry.
I-I should've known.
(laughing) Oh! I'm so glad you're forgiving me.
(both laughing) Or is that your party face? Oh, no, no.
Of course not, darling.
So, why don't you, um, hang my coat back up All right.
and I'll get us something to drink.
Of course.
FRASIER: Oh, Mel uh, this is awkward, uh MEL: Oh, no, no, no, Frasier.
Niles explained everything, and while I don't like being lied to, I do appreciate why he did it.
FRASIER: Oh, I'm so glad.
Ooh, hello.
Darling.
Hello.
Chatting, are we? Well, actually, I was just apologizing for my part in your little misunderstanding.
Oh, yes, well, then, of course you were discussing the present? Oh, yes, yes, the present and the future.
Maris is all in the past.
(chuckling) Maris? Oh, dear.
You were with Maris last night? Well Howdare you? Anything else in the box, Pandora? Mel, please.
Oh, no, don't touch me, no.
Party face, party face.
No, no, forget the party face.
You're obviously still in love with her, and I'm not about to share you, so good-bye.
FRASIER: Niles, Niles, I'm so sorry.
Oh, Frasier, don't pretend to be sorry.
All you care about is your precious party that you're hosting tonight! ("Jingle Bells" playing on piano) Okay, honey, get ready.
Don't be nervous.
Okay, bring it on home, Daphne! (plays final chord) Yes! Daphne Moon, everybody! FRASIER: Brava! Okay, we're taking requests.
How about a little "Silent Night"? FRASIER: Stop that! Wha? Those are for the party.
In case you haven't noticed, Iamthe party.
Yeah, Frasier, didn't the invitation say 7:00? I hope people knew it was for tonight.
Stop worrying.
They'll be here.
I mean, they're probably just fashionably late.
I mean, people do love to make an entrance, you know.
(doorbell rings) A-ha! Daphne, open the floodgates.
NILES: Hello.
Good evening, Dr.
Crane.
Isn't Mel with you? Uh, no, she won't be coming.
We broke up.
What? NILES: Yeah, uh, this afternoon.
Oh, goodness, I'm so sorry.
Did you try to call her, Niles? Oh, I left a dozen messages.
DONNY: Aw, Niles, I'm so sorry.
How long were you guys together? Oh, not that long.
Still, I was optimistic.
Well, did you talk about moving in together? Made any long-term plans? This is really bringing out the lawyer in you, isn't it? The bartender, actually.
I was just wondering how big a drink to make you.
Ah.
Big.
Scotch, please.
All right, come on, don't worry, Niles.
We'll fix you up with somebody.
Oh, uh, thanks, Donny.
I don't think this is the time for me to be meeting someone new.
Someone old, then; you know, an old flame an ex-girlfriend, someone who got away, huh? Now, come on, Niles, there must have been somebody you had your eye on before Mel.
Donny, please! Can't you see you're making him uncomfortable? What? I was just trying to help.
Honey? See, Niles, it's not us, it's the holidays.
It makes women crazy.
Ha-ha! Hello, everyone! Come in! Come in! Oh, yes, that's very nice.
Ladies first.
All right, now, no crowding, no pushing.
(laughing) Where are they going? I've got bad news for you.
That feud you were having with the guy upstairs? It isn't over.
He's having his own party.
Damn him! He's siphoning off my guests.
You know, you won't believe this.
That dreadful Cam Winston is having a competing party! DONNY: Oh,that's what that was.
I saw a big sign in the lobby: "Winston Party 2000.
" Yes.
That's his apartment number.
Well, two can play at that game.
Donny? DONNY: Yeah? Do me a favor, will you? Make me one of those signs.
See what you can fashion out of these crude implements.
Okay, I'll try.
MARTIN: I don't know if that's a good idea, Fras.
FRASIER: Why? Well, "Winston Party 2000" sounds like the party of the future.
"Crane Party 1901" sounds like well, this.
I wouldn't worry about it, Frasier.
You always throw a good party.
This place will be hopping in no time.
FRASIER: Thanks, Roz.
Hey, Connie, it's a morgue here.
Is the party at the station still happening? Great.
I'll be there as soon as I can.
Oh, hey, Daphne.
You're not going to believe this.
Dr.
Crane broke up with Mel.
Oh, yeah, I know.
I heard.
Is there anything you don't know before I do? I overheard them at the office Christmas party.
Really? What happened? Well, okay don't freak out.
Mel accused Niles of still being in love with someone else.
Oh, my God, that's me! I'm "someone.
" I said not to freak out.
But what if he says something to me? Just let him down gently.
Oh, it never works out that easily.
You know what happens when you say no to a guy.
Yeah.
Sure.
It just gets messy after that.
You say you'll be friends, but you never are.
It ruins everything.
He's not going to say anything tonight.
As long as Donny's here, you're totally safe.
Let's find a prominent place to put this preferably right on top of Winston's sign.
Oh, go easy there, Niles.
Oh, haven't you given me enough advice for one day? (oven bell rings) My canapes! You know, Niles, you look like you need cheering up.
Oh! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, darn, I'm sorry.
Daphne's present.
Did it break? (broken pieces clattering) Well, we won't know till she opens it.
I'm sorry but, hey, look.
You don't need this one for Mel, do you? Well, I guess not.
Oh, okay, well, here.
Switch that in there for this right here.
Problem solved.
All right, now, you two, I don't want everyone congregating in the kitchen.
Now, go out and mingle! Niles! Martin! I didn't see you come in.
Roz! Daphne! Well, I didn't want to give these out in front of all the guests, but since there aren't any here you go.
Roz, that's for you, and, uh, Daphne, here.
Uh Merry Christmas.
Oh, Merry Christmas.
Thank you, Dr.
Crane.
Thank you.
(phone ringing) Excuse me.
Hello? Oh, no.
It's jewelry.
Oh, no.
It's a book.
My God, there must be Well, I'll just show you what you're missing! Savory lamb tenders! Pesto-filled mushroom caps! Smell 'em and weep! Come on, come on, Frasier.
Maybe we ought to walk you back inside.
Oh, Dad There you go.
Yes.
Yes, darling, that's wonderful.
I'll see you soon.
That was Mel.
And? I managed to explain about Yoshi.
She's on her way over.
FRASIER: Oh, thank God.
I know.
Another guest! It's also wonderful for you, Niles-- congratulations.
Well, there is one minor detail to be ironed out.
Yes? I also got a message from Maris saying she wants to see me again.
I think she may have mistaken last night's sympathy for affection.
FRASIER: Oh, my.
Well, Niles, if you want my advice Ooh, you know, you really need to stop saying that.
You've got to make your feelings clear to her, and the sooner, the better.
I mean, there's very little point in letting it drag on like this.
You're right.
I'll speak to her tonight.
At the moment, I just want to patch things up with Mel.
Uh-huh.
Well, you know, those antique earrings you bought her should go a long way toward that.
(groaning): Oh I gave them to Daphne.
You did what? Daphne's gift broke, and I didn't think Mel was coming.
Dad suggested I switch the gift cards.
Oh, for God's sake, Dad and his meddling.
Well, if you want my advice you know where to find me.
Roz! What? You can't go.
Why not? NILES: Daphne, I'm sorry to interrupt.
Uh, I need to speak with you.
It's a private matter.
Uh Would you join me on the balcony for a moment? All right.
Thank you.
Whoa, he's going to tell you.
(sarcastically): Oh,no.
Not tonight.
Not while Donny's here.
Okay, so I was wrong.
Boy, this is rough.
What are you going to do? I don't know.
I guess I won't give him the chance.
I'll speak first.
I'll just be direct.
I'll I'll tell him I know how he feels about me but I don't feel that way about him.
I love Donny, and nothing's going to happen between us.
Good luck.
Hi.
Daphne, uh I wish there were an easier way to say this.
I Wait.
I have something that I'd like to say first.
Dr.
Crane, I have to tell you that Oh, Daphne, I am so sorry.
What am I thinking? Here.
Oh.
Well, thank you.
Anyway, Dr.
Crane I know that Yes? I'm sorry.
I Look, uh, why don't I start.
Uh No, Dr.
Crane.
No, no, I really need to say this.
I can't wait any longer.
Daphne Yes? Uh This is so difficult for me.
Yes? I need my Christmas present back.
You what? People will go almost anywhere for free food and booze.
Am I really so insufferable? I could call the station and see if people want to come over.
Oh, yes, Roz, let's call in the second-string guests.
Let's fill my home with a bunch of angry, snubbed coworkers.
You think they'd come? Ah! Hey-hey! Hi! Merry Christmas! See? Fashionably late! Hello, everyone! Come in! Merry Christmas! Help yourself to some drinks.
Okay, Marty, how'd you get these people down here? Oh, I just called an old buddy in the fire department and told them that that many people in one place had to be a code violation.
Oh, that is smart, but aren't there going to be the same number of people down here? All right, everyone, we'll start by singing some carols, and then we'll choose up teams for the Minister's Cat.
I don't think that's going to be a problem.
I feel terrible about this, and-and, of course, I'll-I'll replace the gift.
Oh, that's all right.
Well, I won't be needing this anymore.
Right.
Oh, Daphne, Daphne, Daphne you never finished what you were going to say.
Oh, well it was about the gift.
Well, I could see from the box that you got me jewelry from Beadie & Sons, and I didn't get you anything nearly as grand.
Well doesn't matter now.
Oh.
Mel She's here.
Yes, uh excuse me.
I'm so glad you came.
Uh Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
So, how'd it go? Did you tell him? I never got the chance.
He went first.
It turns out he'd just given me the wrong gift and wanted it back.
You're kidding.
You must be so relieved.
(chuckling): Oh, I'll say.
I've never been so relieved in my life.
FRASIER: All right, everyone, we'll start with an easy one.
Deck the halls With boughs of holly Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la 'Tis the season to be jolly Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Don we now Our gay apparel Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Hey, baby, I hear the blues a'callin' Tossed salads and scrambled eggs Oh, my And maybe I seem a bit confused Well, maybe, but I got you pegged (laughing) But I don't know what to do With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs They're callin' again.
Happy holidays, everybody!