Home Improvement s07e11 Episode Script

This will be my most exciting lighting display ever.
The guys at the power plant will be working overtime for this bad boy, huh? You might want to read this flyer.
I found it in the mailbox.
It's from the lighting contest committee.
"Because certain rooftop displays have exceeded the bounds of prudent energy consumption and good taste, this year's lighting contest will be strictly regulated.
" They're pulling the plug on you, Dad.
What makes you think this has to do with me? It says right here, "To be referred to, henceforth, as the Tim Taylor clause".
This is bunk.
This is bunk.
Come on! "Electricity is limited to two 20-amp breakers.
" Who can work with that? "No bulbs over 25 watts.
" Ha, ha! "Maximum height of elves, three feet.
" What kind of elf is three foot tall? This one's gonna kill you.
"Nativity scenes may include only characters mentioned in the Bible.
" Which means no more Three Stooges.
Those were the Three Wise Men.
Really? Then why were they poking each other in the eye? To break up the trip.
What is that smell? I'm making us a special Christmas cake.
It's really cool.
It's got pineapple and mangoes and papaya.
It's a fruitcake.
Everybody hates fruitcake.
I know that.
This is not a fruitcake.
This is a Christmas cake with fruit.
"Cake with fruit.
" Reverse that.
- "Fruitcake.
" - Don't take it out on me just 'cause the neighborhood put the kibosh on your lighting display.
You say "ki-bosh," I say "pish-tosh".
- I got Wilson to be my partner.
- To help you do the roof? No, no.
He's gonna give me two 20-amp circuits.
He's not decorating his roof.
I get his allotment of electricity.
I get more wattage.
It means I can make elves the size of Shaquille O'Neal.
I can't believe Wilson would go along with this after reading that flyer.
I'm not sure he read it.
- Where are the boys? I need help.
- Picking up Mom from the airport.
Listen, um when she gets here I want you to be extra nice to her.
Oh.
Now you tell me.
I just short-sheeted her bed.
No.
You know, I want this to be a really great holiday for her.
It's the first one since Dad died, and she's bound to be depressed.
If anything will lift her spirits, it will be the new lighting display.
Guess who's bearing frankincense this year? Come here.
I want you to see this.
Look.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
It's your mom and dad at their wedding.
I found it in her house after the funeral, so I had it restored.
I'm gonna give it to her for Christmas.
They did a nice job restoring this.
They were able to airbrush a smile over your dad's scowl.
No, that's a real smile.
You said he never smiled at their wedding.
No, he never smiled at our wedding.
- Oh, Tim! Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas, Lillian.
How are you? - It's good to see you.
- Hi, Mom.
- Hello, baby.
- Can I take your coat? - It's so good to see you.
- Merry Christmas.
I love your hair.
- You look gorgeous.
- It's so cute.
How was the trip back with Brad from the airport? It was a lot less scary than when I ride with Tim.
I never knew Detroit had stop signs.
Roundish red things.
Yeah, I've seen them.
Oh, Jill, the tree looks beautiful.
Yes, it does, doesn't it? Well, except for this spark plug here.
That's right.
Every year Tim sneaks auto parts onto the tree.
And on Easter we have a muffler hunt.
Mom, there's a present that I want you to open while we're alone.
Oh, no, no.
It's not Christmas yet.
No, this one's kind of personal.
I want you to open it while there's not a lot of other people around.
Speaking of having other people around, there's something I need to ask you.
Would you mind if I invited a friend to join us for Christmas? - Oh, a friend! - He's really very nice.
He.
His name is Parker and he's an engineer.
He's going to be visiting people in Detroit during the holidays.
Is Uh Mom? What are you saying? You're seeing someone? Like dating? I guess that's what you would call it.
We've been going out together for a couple of months.
I really like him.
- Would it be all right if he joined us? - Sure.
It's fine, it's great.
Whatever's gonna make your Christmas good for you.
I can't tell you how happy that makes me.
I was nervous to tell you.
Oh! Well, now you've told me and now I know.
So, there's nothing for anybody to be nervous about.
Let me show you his picture.
I brought a picture along with me for you to see.
Here it is.
He has a duck tail and you're wearing a poodle skirt.
Yes, it it was Fifties Night at Karaoke Pete's Tandoori Kitchen.
Oh! Parker does a mean Blue Suede Shoes.
Yeah, I I see he's wearing some.
He's He's just a wild man.
Now, how about that Christmas present? Oh.
You know, now that I look at this, this isn't the right one.
I'm gonna have to look for it and give it to you later.
All right.
I'm going to call Parker and tell him that he's invited.
- I can't wait for you to meet him.
- Me, too.
Look at this.
A Partridge in a pear tree.
Tim.
Mom just told me that she's bringing a date for Christmas.
Why doesn't she bring a whole box? You can put them in your "Christmas cake.
" No.
Come here.
His name is Parker.
She's been seeing him for a couple of months.
Wow.
That's, uh, kind of soon.
I mean - How do you feel about that? - Well, I was in shock.
I mean, I'm starting to give her this photo of her and Dad, then she starts talking about this other man.
I didn't feel I could give it to her.
Do you think I'm overreacting? No.
I think you're taking this very well.
My mom waited 30 years to start dating and I still think it's too soon.
It's obviously a little awkward for me, but it's not about me.
So I'm gonna be supportive and when Parker gets here we'll be hospitable.
It'll be easier for me.
He's not shacking up with my mom.
Whatever I can do to help.
See, Parker, here's my problem.
Even with Even with Wilsors allotment of electricity, I still can't get these mechanical things to work properly.
If I'm reading this right, this doesn't say anything about voltage.
Huh? You can use a 220 volt line for your appliances instead of the standard 110.
It takes the same 20-amp breaker, but doubles your power.
Yeah.
Double your power, double your fun.
Oh, oh, oh! Let's go to the garage.
Would you like to know where Parker and I met? Uh-huh.
OK.
In the frozen vegetable section of the supermarket.
Nothing says romance like a bag of frozen succotash.
We chatted a little more in paper goods, and ended up exchanging life stories in pet food.
By the time you got to checkout, you were an item? It didn't go quite like that.
You want to know what we did on our first date? Yeah, sure.
Parker took me dancing.
- I thought you hated dancing.
- No! Well, it was your father who didn't care for it.
Do you and Parker go dancing a lot? Every Saturday night.
A couple of weeks ago he took me to a square dance festival in Austin.
You drove up for the day? Well, actually we made a weekend of it.
It's a great idea.
I'll run a line from the garage.
Parker figured out how to get more electricity and not break the rules.
- This guy's sneaky.
I like him.
- You're pretty sneaky yourself.
You figured out how to use a motor from your dryer.
You're taking apart our dryer? I'm taking apart the dryer for you.
It's for the holidays.
You won't have to do laundry until way into the new year.
Guess what, Tim asked me to come to Tool Time.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Just remember, if Tim uses words like "tweaked" and "souped up" and "uh-oh," you run like hell.
If we're gonna make the Johnsons' for dinner we better go.
Oh, they're Parker's oldest friends in the world.
I'm a little nervous about meeting them.
- They're gonna love you.
- Oh.
- How could they not? - Wait.
What time are you gonna be home? You don't have to wait up, honey.
I have my keys.
- See you later.
Have fun.
- Bye.
Parker's a great guy.
Hey, how would you feel about him becoming part of the family? You throw pretty good for a girl.
What do you got against Keith Partridge? He's not dating your mother.
I just I can't believe the way that she's acting! It's like Dad never even existed.
And the way she goes on and on about her tawdry square dancing weekend.
Come on, it's just square dancing, honey.
I could just see the two of them, do-si-do-ing around naked.
It gives new meaning to the words, "Grab your partner".
And you! You! You! You're going out of your way to be chummy with him! I'm being hospitable because you, you, you asked me to! You asked him to come to Tool Time.
You never asked my father to come to Tool Time.
Your father hated Tool Time.
He'd never go.
He said, "I'd rather watch a test pattern.
" How come you never took my father's suggestions about the Christmas lights? Jill, your father never gave me suggestions.
He gave me orders.
OK, yeah, he was gruff.
He was a very difficult person, but that doesn't make this easier.
It seems like Mom's happier with Parker than she ever was with Dad.
That's not the case.
It's because it's a new relationship.
I've got to talk to Mom about this thing, the way I feel.
- No, no, don't.
- Why not? It's Christmastime.
It's no time to tell people how you feel.
Does everybody know what time it is? Tool Time! That's right.
Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Thank you.
Wow, what a good audience.
Good for you.
Thank you, Heidi.
Welcome to Tool Time.
I am Tim "The Yule Man" Taylor.
Of course, you all know my assistant, Al Borland.
Thank you.
Well, it's almost Christmas, and Christmas is a time for giving.
Right.
And for you last-minute shoppers, the "Tool Man" here's got a selection of last-minute gift ideas.
And to start us off, we have the Binford 6100 Sleep Enancer.
It's for you guys who can't drift off to sleep.
It produces sounds to help you deep, deep sleep.
We have "Primeval Forest," "Babbling Brook" Boring.
Boring.
I like this one.
Ahh.
Indy cars going 220 miles an hour.
All right.
What do we have next? I have a big surprise.
I'll be right back.
In the meantime, why don't we look at some stocking stuffers from Binford? This year, say "Merry Christmas" with how-to videos starring Tim and Al.
Right.
Show your loved ones how to get rid of that annoying hum from lights in Silence of the Lamps.
And learn when to use nails instead of adhesives in Glueless.
And my personal favorite, The Nutty Compressor.
They loved this one in France.
And Tim has one more gift to show us.
He said it was a red wagon.
What would a grown man want with a little red wagon? Oh, boy.
Wilson, what are you doing? Well, I'm trying to black out my windows so I can finally get some sleep.
- Insomnia? - No, no, no.
"Timsomnia.
" Here they go! Do not look directly into the Jesus.
Oh.
I brought you a present.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, boy, that's heavy.
Jill, is it fruitcake? No, it's not a fruitcake! It's a Christmas cake.
It's made with mangoes and papayas and Oh, hell, it's a fruitcake! Fruitcake! Fruitcake! Fruitcake! I'm sorry, I'm just upset about this whole thing with my mother and her new boyfriend.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Tim says I should wait till after the holidays to talk to her, but I'm acting so crazy.
I'm throwing baked goods at Keith Partridge.
I don't know.
What do you think? Well, he's no Greg Brady, but No! I mean, what do you think about whether I should talk to her.
Well, I agree with the poet William Blake, who said, "I was angry with my friend I told my wrath My wrath did end".
Yeah, but if I talk to her it could ruin her Christmas.
If you don't, it could ruin everybody else's.
Wilson, I want to show you Santa's sleigh.
- Not now.
- It'll take a minute.
- Just a couple minutes.
- I want to show you.
What if I say the wrong thing and she gets hurt? Well, she won't if you just express yourself in a sensitive and tactful way.
Tim, will you keep your freakir Santa out of my yard?! Merry Christmas, honey.
Oh, Merry Christmas, Mom.
I told Parker to come over around 9:00 if that's not too early.
Fine.
Jill, are you feeling OK? You seemed a little quiet last night.
Mom, I have to talk to you about something.
Um I hope that you don't hate me for saying this, but I am uncomfortable with you dating.
Oh, I see.
It doesn't have anything to do with Parker.
It's just so soon after Dad's death.
Well, it seemed soon to me, too.
That's why when Parker first asked me out in the grocery store, I said no.
I thought it would be disrespectful to the memory of your father.
So, you waited till you got to the parking lot? For your information, I turned Parker down for weeks.
I spent a lot of sleepless nights feeling guilty for even considering going out with him.
Mom, that's what you should feel! I mean, you were married to Dad for 50 years! It was 51 years.
And seven months.
I don't need you to tell me how I should feel.
Excuse me.
I'm having some trouble having to see you with another man.
It just seems like, I don't know, like Dad has just been replaced.
Replaced? Jill.
Your father could never be replaced.
He's still so much a part of my life that it takes everything I've got to let someone else in.
I'm sorry, Mom.
I just I hadrt anticipated how hard it would be for me to not have Dad here for Christmas.
Well, it's hard for me, too.
I mean, as much as I'm trying to move on with my life, it Not having him around just tears my heart out.
Oh.
You don't know how happy that makes me.
Well, not happy.
- That sounded awful! - I know what you mean, honey.
Oh, Mom.
Oh, now, come on now, come on.
Remember when you girls were little and your father would get up on Christmas and make his famous apple pancakes? Oh, yeah.
As soon as he left the room we fed them to the dog.
Do you think that's what killed the dog? Well, it was sweet of him to do it for us.
And nice of him to pass his cooking skills along to me.
- Mom.
- Hmm? You remember I wanted you to open that present? - Oh, yes.
- Would you do that now? - Yes, thank you.
- Here.
Here you go.
Oh, look at that.
There's an air filter and a gas cap.
Oh, Jill.
I found it in your house and I had it restored.
Oh, it's beautiful.
You were a beautiful bride.
Look at that lovely alabaster skin.
No, I was pale 'cause I was stuffed into that dress so tight the blood couldn't get to my head.
Of course, Dad's uniform is perfect.
Check out the sword.
That wasrt just for show, you know.
What? You're gonna tell me he cut the cake with it? No, he used it to cut me out of that dress.
All right, Dad.
Judges are out front.
Turn on your lights.
- Judges, you all ready? - Ready.
One, two, three.
Oh! Dad! Your Santa bounced off three different cars.
What did the judge think of the lights? We'll let you know when he regains consciousness.
Christmas is over.
Your wife might have got you stuff you didn't want.
So, what do you do? I say exchange them for some how-to videos from Binford's new home video collection.
Like this one, our newest, Look Who's Caulking.
The most important thing when caulking is to get a smooth seal.
I like to use a harbor seal.
- Right, Al? - I don't think so, Tim.
Concentrate on the work or there could be an accident.
Actually, there's already been an accident.
Mom! I never knew Detroit had stop signs.
Those octagonal red things? Yeah.
Are those octagons? Just are they octagonal? Well, I scared myself with that word.
I never knew Detroit had stop signs.
Ah.
Those octagonal red things.
No.
I never knew Detroit had stop signs.
Those are those octagonal red