Married with Children s07e11 Episode Script

She has no idea what she does to us.
She's the hottest babe at this, or any, bank.
I seem to have a run in my stocking.
That's right, want me.
Dream on, teller boys.
If that's for me, baby, put a little gravy on it and I'll take it home, because it looks finger-licking good.
This is a bank, Bud not a sex shop.
So besides saving you the cost of renting Basic Instinct what can I do for you? Well, other than saving you the cost of renting Lethal Weapon you can cash this.
Twenty-five thousand dollars? What could you possibly do that would be worth $25,000? What's that on your chin? Have some of the stronger boys been rubbing your face in the dirt again? Lt's called a beard.
Surely you've seen one before in the mirror.
Anyhow, it's part of my new lvy League image.
That cheque is a grant from the Ridenaur Foundation.
I'm going all the way, all expenses paid, to Tremaine University.
So because you've been a good girl, I'll give you one final butt flex and you can cash that.
And make it snappy.
- I've got cheques to write.
- Well, I'm afraid it's not that easy.
There are certain channels we must go through.
First we must process the cheque, then there's a waiting period, and Hey, baby.
Just got done with my hair appointment.
Feel it, baby, feel it.
Yeah.
Hey, Bud.
High-five me, buddy.
Oh, wait.
Nails aren't dry yet.
Air high-five.
Oh, you got a little dirt on your chin.
Look, babe, I don't have a lot of time.
I've only got about 20 minutes till my massage.
So should we pop into the vault and do the deed on the deeds, if you will? Mrs.
D'Arcy, before you perform geriatric love gymnastics l'd like to talk to you about clearing my cheque.
All this business talk is making me lose my edge, baby.
It's cleared.
Here.
Here's a chequebook.
Here's a pen.
That's still not a beard.
Goodbye.
Hey, baby.
Wanna go to lunch? Did someone rub your face in the dirt? Lt's a beard.
You like the way it goes with my chequebook? Oh, sexy.
Yeah, and I love you for your mind.
Let's go.
I'm sorry, sir, but you can visit your wife's ashes in 20 minutes.
Why don't you just keep her under the mattress like normal people.
They won't let me see my wife.
Well, take a look at mine, that ought to cure you.
You know, Peg, I feel good.
I do.
I promised Bud I'd keep putting money into his college fund and I'm keeping my word.
I'd like to deposit this, thank you.
Are you depositing the entire quarter? Do I look Japanese? I want 5 cents back, please.
And give it to me in ones.
You see, it's allowance day, and we are a family of five.
You know, honey, I am so proud of you.
We opened this account when Bud was a baby and now 20 years later, with one deposit, you're doubling it.
Here's your receipt and your cash.
Would you like a bank guard to escort us to the car? Nah, we tip him and the valet guy, we walk out of here with 3 cents.
Hey.
"Twenty-five thousand dollars and 50 cents"? Boy, that compound interest really mounts up.
Wait a minute, Al.
Don't you get it? The bank has made a mistake in our favour.
Shut up.
Now, just look normal.
All right, we have got to make a withdrawal right away before they find out about their mistake.
Excuse me, please.
- We'd like to make a little withdrawal.
- I wanna say the number.
- I wanna say the number.
- Hush.
We would like to withdraw Yeah, and get that 25 cents in pennies.
Not everybody can change a nickel these days.
Ain't life grand? What if the bank finds out they made a mistake and they want all their money back? - That's why we bought perishables.
They can get it back all right, but do they really want it? Yeah, who'd want Daddy's tuxedo back after it's been on his body? Come and get it.
But what about our shiny new appliances? Well Not new anymore.
Now it's ours.
Now it's ours forever.
And so are you, pumpkin.
Gee, I wonder why Buck would miss this meal.
What's going on here? Park it, boy.
Come, my dear.
Gee, Bud, big news.
Not as big as mine.
Family, I'm moving out.
I'm going to Tremaine University and I'm gonna live on campus.
I got a $25,000 grant.
Peg, this run of luck is unbelievable.
He got $25,000 too.
What are the odds? - Al - No, not now, Peg.
No, my boy just got into a bigtime college and time for him and his dad to have a little talk.
Personally, though, I never wanted to talk to my dad.
Well, I'm not really like a dad, more like a cool older friend.
You know, son, I know you're always proud of your old man.
You bet, Dad.
Nice mashed-potato stain.
Anyhow, son, now I'm proud of you.
Well, you were never a great athlete in high school God, it must have been cold there in my shadow.
But then I thought it'd give you more time for the chicks.
Then your personality killed that.
Then you brought home report cards with all A's.
I didn't say anything at the time, but then I was truly ashamed.
A boy getting all A's, you know.
Boy, did I hear about that from the boys down at the barbershop.
But now, son, you're going to a bigtime college.
And you're gonna get a chance to do something that I've only dreamed of.
Make business contacts? No, who wants to hang out with a bunch of smart little sexually-deprived A students, wouldn't know a breast from a football because they never touched either? You know the type I'm talking about, son.
Yeah.
Anyhow, the only reason I ever wanted to go to college was to experience one good panty raid.
And now you're gonna do that for me, son.
But son, heed your father's advice: Stay away from the big panties.
You'll see enough of those on the shower rod after you're married.
Go for the little ones, boy.
Go for the little ones.
Because you don't want a girl who wears big underpants.
Because a girl who wears big underpants has big stuff under her pants.
Thanks, Dad.
If it weren't for you, I'd probably grab the first pair I saw.
Probably would have been a big one.
Well, folks, normally I'd ask where all this stuff came from but since I'm moving out tonight let's just leave that little secret between you and the sheriff's office.
I'm gonna go pack.
Honey, wash your face.
You have some dirt on your chin.
It's a beard.
Never mind, I'll wash my chin.
The important thing is, I feel like a grownup.
I wrote a cheque for a year's deposit on my dorm room and I wrote a cheque for my tuition.
I bought a new wardrobe and a few things for my dorm.
Now I'm gonna take my chequebook and go buy me a nice little car.
Guys this is the happiest day of my life.
We're all proud of you, son! I think we stole his money, Peg.
Now, we agreed we love Bud too much to tell him what we did.
His cheques are bouncing all over town and even if he didn't see himself on America's Most Wanted, Kelly did.
So it's only a matter of time before she realizes who he is and calls the feds.
Well, we just have to convince him to quit school and come home with us.
Shouldn't be too hard.
The poor guy's probably homesick.
Longing for his mommy and daddy.
Who are you? Lt's us.
Oh, yeah.
I'm sorry I didn't call.
Get used to it.
Come on in.
Jumping Jehoshaphat, what a room.
Yeah.
We can't let you live like this.
You better come home with us where at least you'll have someone to talk to.
Hi, Bud.
Hi, girls.
I'm sorry, I'm not properly dressed.
Just give me one sec.
Bud, are you gonna introduce us to your little friends? Nope, don't think I am.
What can I do for you lovely ladies? We just wanted to tell you we'll be in the shower right next door.
So no peeking, now.
Your grandpa got lost.
We'll see you later, you cute old man.
See that, Peg? They think I'm cute.
Yes.
Honey, they must think you're that rapper, Ice Age.
And, Bud, why do you have girls in your dorm room? Just part of my new lucky streak.
See, all the guys' dorms were full so they put me in the women's dorm.
Luckily they knew I was mature enough to handle it.
Excuse me one moment.
That's low, son.
It's too low, you'll be looking at kneecaps.
Move it up, boy.
Move it up.
- AI, we are here to talk to Bud.
- I am talking to Bud.
Come on, boy, make a hole for Daddy.
Well, perhaps this, as well as every other task traditionally for the male is up to me.
What your father would say, if his tongue wasn't stuck in that peephole is that we think college is too much pressure for you.
We believe that you belong in the Army.
They'll pay you and prepare you for a nice career driving tanks or shining shoes.
Your father never went to college and look at him.
She dropped the soap.
Pick it up, baby.
Got soap in my eye.
Peg.
Peg, I got soap in my eye.
Perhaps your father is a bad example.
Of everything.
Mom, Dad, it's been more of a thrill than you know.
Now, look, Bud, if you should decide that you wanna come home or not necessarily want to, but have to just remember that our door is always open.
I know you're in there! Let me in! Now aren't you glad I made you change the locks? Lt was genius, Peg.
By the way, when do I get my key? Open up! I want your hides! We got the TV on real loud in here and we can't hear you.
Free pizza delivery.
- That's your son, you idiot.
- But, Peg, what if you're wrong? All right, stand back! I'm coming in! - Thanks, pal.
- No problem.
But next time can we start with the helmet on? Hey, Bud, what's shaking? Come here.
I think we need to chat.
We're busy over here now, Bud.
It's your mother and I's quality time.
Come here now! Funny thing happened to me today.
I was in my dorm room studying when a bunch of babes came in and invited me to my first college pyjama party.
But not just any pyjama party.
A bottoms-only pyjama party.
Save your pathetic high-five.
Because just as I was about to see some Midwestern, corn-fed boobies I was dragged away by the campus police.
It seems that every single cheque I wrote to the college bounced.
Do you have anything to tell me? Well, it was your mother's idea.
- It was your father's.
- Your mother's.
- Your father's.
- Your mother's! - It was your sister's.
- It was the girl's.
So you see, Bud, there's no reason why we can't be friends.
Come on, Bud.
We didn't mean to do anything wrong.
We just thought we were stealing from a bank.
Yeah, it was just one of those madcap goofs that don't hurt nobody except you.
Yeah.
Well, I'm still gonna go to Tremaine University.
I'll just live at home and work off my $25,000 debt.
The good news is, after working for 40 or 50 years everything I earn will be mine.
Just like your father.
You're a real male Bundy now, son.
Come on, Bud.
At least you're getting an education.
You won't be stuck in some low-paying waitress job like your sister.
Two hundred, 300, 400 A one.
I am sure glad I didn't waste my time in high school learning the three "arfs.
" You know, something, something and "arfrithmetic.
" Well, I guess education works for some people.
This guy came into the diner who just graduated from your college looking for a job as a busboy.
They said no.
We already had one from Harvard.
- Gee, honey, I'm really proud of you.
- You're not getting any.
Well, you need somebody to help you count it.
That's true.
You'll need to open a bank account, and I'll help you write cheques.
- Really? - Yeah.
The first thing you need to know is you need two names on the account of people that can write cheques.
In case you forget your name.
Yeah.
I don't want the same thing to happen to me that happened to Bud.
Come on.
Yep.
You're down, aren't you, son? Well, who could blame you? What a catastrophe.
Yeah, there's no coming back from this one.
It was your mother's fault, by the way.
And even though it wasn't my fault And always, always, please remember it was your mother's.
- I'm gonna make up for it.
I'm gonna make sure, son, that you get the real college experience.
Dad.
Big underpants.