Roseanne s07e11 Episode Script
Maybe Baby
[harmonica.]
Hi.
Hey.
Fred's taking Andy to the ballgame.
I wanted you to see how cute he looked before they left.
Oh, you look real cute, Fred.
No! Look at Andy's little outfit.
Oh, he's so sweet.
Sweet? You hear that, Jackie? You're dressing our boy to look sweet.
Oh, did I say sweet? I meant dainty.
You know, if we want him to grow up to be a man, we should dress him like a man.
Why? I think the burping and drooling should cover that.
I'm the one who dresses him every morning.
I'm gonna choose what he wears.
I am this kid's father, and I should have as much say in it as his mother does.
Well, Fred, if you ever pass a kidney stone, we'll let you dress that up.
Andy, we gotta go.
I can feel these uterine walls closing in on us.
So, tomorrow, get the results of the second amnio test.
Thinking good thoughts? Yeah, I had one of them, once.
You and Dan doing okay? No, he's being a total jerk.
Really? Yeah, alls he thinks about is himself, you know? He's worried that a sick baby might be an inconvenience to him, so he's trying to hint around that I should have an abortion.
Oh, I'm sure he knows it's your decision.
I mean, he must respect your right to choose.
Yeah, well, as long as I choose to agree with him.
[Dan.]
Hey, we're out of shampoo.
Well, since when did you become too good for Tide? Forget I asked.
When are you gonna go paint that crib? I want to get started on the nursery.
Well, I thought we'd wait until, you know Until what, Dan? Just say what you mean.
Fine, you want me to paint the crib? I'll paint the crib.
What the hell is your-- Hey, D.
J.
, what do you say? Mr.
Brand New Turtleneck! What are you guys yelling about? We're not yelling.
Yes, we're just practicing for when we're old and we can't hear.
D.
J.
, why don't you get out of here? I haven't had any breakfast.
Okay, here.
Take this.
Go.
He doesn't know? No, he's too young.
And he's not gonna find out, right, Roseanne? Well, I don't know, Dan, I think we should tell him.
And then we should go out and tell the whole neighborhood.
How else are they all gonna vote on what I should do? I mean it, Roseanne.
Until we decide on this, I don't think we should worry the boy.
You're right, you know? He was pushing you.
I thought Dan was better then that.
Why? He's a man.
You know, this is the only area in the world that they can't control, and it drives them crazy, 'cause it doesn't come with a remote.
Hey, do you know that we're out of shampoo? Yeah, well, I'll wear a hat.
** [blues rock.]
[laughing.]
** [video game.]
[laughs.]
** [video game.]
Son? Yeah? I don't think I properly explained camping to you.
At least it's quiet in here.
What do you mean? You and Mom are always yelling.
Well, son, that's just what we do.
We're not readers.
I know it's different this time.
So what are you fighting about? Well, I guess I should probably tell you.
It's-- It's about your Christmas gift.
Really? Yeah.
See, I think you're old enough to handle that dirt bike you wanted, but your mom's thinking clothes.
So that's all the fighting's been about? Hey.
Everything's gonna be fine, I promise.
All right.
Huh? Dan? Dan, I would like to talk with you alone.
D.
J.
, get out of here.
I don't have to do what you tell me.
You're not my parent.
One Two Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
Dan? Go.
Okay.
You are lucky I didn't make it all the way to seven, young man! I can't believe you're treating Roseanne this way.
Jackie, it's none of your business.
It is my business.
She's my sister.
And you are trying to push her to do something that she might not want to do.
I'm not pushing her.
This is her decision.
Oh, no, no, you don't really mean that.
Yes, I do.
I don't agree with it, but I accept it.
I'm not trying to tell her what to do.
Well, no, not straight out, you're not.
You just hint and imply and, uh-- you know, hint.
No, I don't.
Really? Shouldn't we wait to paint the crib, Roseanne, untilyou know.
Why don't you just tie her to the examining table and tell the doctor what you want done? Stop it.
Who do you think you are? I said that because I thought if we got the news tomorrow and it was bad, and Roseanne--not me!-- but Roseanne decided to have an abortion, it might be hard for her to come home to a freshly-painted baby bed.
I'm not trying to influence her.
I'm trying to help her through this.
Every time I open my mouth, she shuts me out.
Okay, I'm sorry.
You know, you're not-- you're not gonna tell me that Roseanne is the only person you're thinking of, here, because you know what you want her to do.
Yeah, if it was up to me, and there was something really wrong with the baby, I'd want her to have an abortion.
Have you thought about how hard that might be for Roseanne? Do you realize how selfish that is? Is that what you think? [sighs.]
Why don't you just leave me alone, Jackie? I'm not trying to be selfish.
I mean, what if they baby's born wrong? What if it's born without a brain, or something? [sniffs.]
What would that do to the family, huh? What would that do to Roseanne? Oh, Dan.
I'm afraid its gonna wreck our marriage.
I mean, look how well we've handled this stress.
I'm sorry, I had no idea.
That's all right.
Just I'd like to be alone right now.
Okay.
Jackie, that's the opposite of alone.
I don't like that, either.
No.
I'll get this back to you.
Hey, Dan! Hey, Fred! Been drinking? Yeah.
Okay, then we're playing for money.
So how you doing? I called you because I figured you probably had your fill of fighting with Roseanne.
Oh, you're late, Fred.
You should have called in 1975.
I heard she pretty much shut you out.
Nah, she still talks to me.
Every now and again, she'll point at me and go, [demonic voice.]
"You.
" I'm really sorry, man.
Oh, well, thanks.
Listen, I know it's none of my business, but would you mind if I said something to you about all this? Yeah, sure.
As long as you keep it short and you don't try to hug me.
Oh, well Now there's no point.
Look, I just don't think you'd be a terrible person if you demanded some control over what Roseanne's gonna do.
"Roseanne" and "demand.
" Two words that go together like "waffle iron" and "forehead.
" Look, having a kid It's half yours.
This is a 50/50 proposition.
Yeah, when it finally comes out.
You gotta admit, Fred, this is different.
Is it? I mean, Roseanne and I always make the big decisions about the kids together.
Sometimes she gets her way, sometimes I get my way.
Oh, okay.
Forget it.
No, I mean it.
It's like the time I kicked David out of the house.
She didn't like it, but I got my way.
Yeah, but then you let David move right back in again, didn't you? Then she got her way.
You see? 50/50.
Hey, Dan, I'm not saying it's your fault.
You know, Jackie's the same way.
They have the kids, so they figure that they own them.
Well, maybe that's the way it is at your house, Fred, but me and Roseanne are okay.
Hey, Dan, you're forgetting something.
I've been to your house.
I've seen the dents in the ceiling from every time she says jump.
Hey, pal, at least I don't let my wife dress my son up like a girl.
I'm not saying Jackie doesn't try to push me around.
But at least I still put up a fight.
Hey, don't tell me I don't fight.
I fight plenty, and I'm not shadowboxing like you.
I'm hitting the heavy bag.
And you're way behind on points.
Yeah, I don't need this.
Lucky I don't get Roseanne over here to kick your butt.
Mom, I'm hungry.
Yeah, well, I did kind of cheat you on breakfast, so, how 'bout I'll make you a great snack? Okay.
Got your message.
What's up? D.
J.
, get out of here.
Where's my snack? Here you go.
Go! Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
I was just wondering if you could get Leon to take your shift tomorrow morning.
Probably, why? 'Cause I want you to go to the doctors with me and Dan.
No, I-- I really think it's something that you two ought to do alone, together.
Come on, Jackie.
I might have a really hard decision to make tomorrow, and I want some support from somebody that gets it.
Dan'll support you.
That's what he's there for.
No, he's there to push his opinion on me, and I do not need to get bad news and look over at that face and know what it's thinking.
He's not gonna push his ideas on you.
Have you really sat down and talked to Dan about this? Why would I do that? What are you, a man, now? Did you grow a kickstand? Italked to Dan.
You talked to Dan about this? Yes.
Yes, and I thought that he made some very good points.
He's worried about what a sick baby might do to you.
Roseanne, he's thinking about the whole family.
Oh, so you're on his side, now.
[stammers.]
No, it's still your decision.
He just want to be heard.
I heard him! He loves you, Roseanne! So you think I should do what he says, right? No one is trying to control you.
Yes, they are, Jackie.
You just don't get it.
This is not Dan's decision and it is not yours.
I have to make it, and I have to live with it.
You're not listening to me.
Get out.
Roseanne! No, I'm serious.
Get the hell out of here and leave me alone.
You okay? No, I lost my tiara.
What were you and Aunt Jackie fighting about? Which one of us is the prettiest.
Whose side are you on? Everything's fine, D.
J.
Are you sick? What are you asking me that for? 'Cause everybody's fighting and whispering.
Like they were at Ralph's house last year, when his mom was sick.
No, I'm not sick.
Then what's going on here? I mean, you can't still be arguing about my Christmas present like Dad said.
Well, I don't agree with your father, D.
J.
I don't think it's right to buy everyone a present except you.
Well, when Ralph's mom needed an operation, they lied to him, too.
Come here.
Okay, I'm gonna tell you the truth because you're not a little kid anymore.
I'm okay, but, um There's a chance that something's wrong with the baby.
Oh.
Yeah, so, I have to, uh-- make a decision whether to have it or not.
You mean you might have an abortion? Uh, yeah.
Yeah, that.
Maybe.
I don't know.
It's just a very, very complicated decision, D.
J.
Why? Because I have wanted to have a baby for a long time.
Well, if you decide not to have a baby, when you come back from the hospital, we can take care of you.
Hey, I know you're gonna be a man someday, but, see, you cannot do this.
Do what? No man has any right to tell any woman what she should do in a situation like this.
I'm not.
I'm just saying that, if you do have the baby and it's sick, we can take care of the baby, too.
So you mean, you're saying, like, uh what, that you would support any decision I make? Yeah.
Oh, well Thanks.
Thanks a lot, D.
J.
It really makes me feel better that you can handle the truth.
Good.
So am I getting a dirt bike for Chris-- No.
Where the hell's that doctor? I don't know.
Boy, I hope he's driving a truck for the city some day, and he has a break down.
Then we'll see who's waiting for who.
Hey, look at this.
He's got three kids.
Man, if that's what he thinks kids look like, how's he gonna know if something's wrong with ours? Listen, honey, no matter what this doctor says I'm gonna want to talk about this.
I'm sorry to keep you waiting.
Oh, no, that's okay.
We still have four bottles of beer on the wall.
Well, then, take one down and pass it a-- Yeah, okay.
The results of a second amnio indicate that, apparently, this first test was contaminated.
The second sample shows that everything is developing normally.
Oh, really? Mm-hmm.
You mean the kid's okay? That's right.
Hallelujah.
I'm sure you two would like to have some time alone.
Congratulations.
Take all the time you want.
Oh, oh, by the way: it's a girl.
Oh, my God, it's a little girl.
Oh, boy, another daughter.
She'll be able to wear hand me downs from Jackie's boy.
Hey, I'm really sorry, Dan.
I know, I was, like, pushing you away all week.
And I wasn't a very good wife.
No, man, I know.
That's okay.
You've been through a lot.
At least we're partners again, right? God, I just couldn't stand not knowing.
I was so scared.
Hey, I haven't been that great, either.
Oh, come on, Dan.
This is my apology, okay? Let me be the ass.
You always get to be the ass.
Okay, as of tonight, you are the biggest ass in the world.
Could this day possibly get any better? We are gonna celebrate so huge, tonight.
Anything you want for dinner.
Oh, great.
Let's finish off D.
J.
's Halloween candy.
Well, I already had that celebration without ya.
All right, then we'll just have a romantic dinner and finish off with an R-rated movie.
Oh, yeah? I've got a better idea.
We skip dinner and we'll make our own R-rated movie.
Okay, but I only appear naked if it's tasteful and organic to the plot.
[laughs.]
Hey, something's different.
What? Not only did God help our baby, but he cleaned our kitchen.
What are you doing with all this? They were all over upstairs.
I mean under my bed, in Becky's room.
There's even a piece of birthday cake in the bathroom! I was saving that.
Well, D.
J.
, your mother and I are very proud of you for covering up whatever you've done in such a clever way.
I just thought I'd help out.
I mean, I felt really bad about the baby.
That's so sweet, D.
J.
But you know what? There's nothing to worry about, 'cause we just saw the doctor, and he said the baby's fine.
It is? Yeah, but I think it'd be a lot better if you went and cleaned up the backyard.
D.
J.
, you don't have to do any more.
Thanks.
Why did you tell D.
J.
the baby might be sick? What? I thought we talked and we agreed that we weren't gonna say anything to the kids.
Well, we didn't.
I did.
Well, you should'a asked me.
Why? Because we agreed.
Well, I changed our mind.
Really 50/50, Roseanne.
What's your problem? Aw, fine.
Nothing.
I don't have a problem.
Well, great.
So Well, what do you want to do to celebrate? Well, you wanted me to paint that baby bed.
I might as well get on it.
Say, dear, isn't Roseanne and Dan's little girl I know.
I sent her a birthday gift, and I also got a little something for her two kids.
You know, that reminds me.
D.
J.
called today.
He finally got that big promotion.
Oh, that's great.
He has wanted to get on that trapeze for years.
Ooh, where's our little Andy? That kid is gonna miss his football game.
Oh, don't worry, dear.
I don't think they're gonna start without him.
After all, he is the captain of the squad.
Do you remember how you used to complain about the way I dressed him? Hey, Andy! Hurry up there, buddy boy! Will you guys stop yelling? I'm ready.
Now, son, before you go out there on that field today, your mom and I, we just want to tell you one thing.
We are so proud of you.
You've turned into one fine strapping young man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Where are my pom-poms? Right where you left them.
Up by your purse.
Yep, that boy's gonna break a few hearts one day.
[laughs.]
Why do I drink so much?
Hi.
Hey.
Fred's taking Andy to the ballgame.
I wanted you to see how cute he looked before they left.
Oh, you look real cute, Fred.
No! Look at Andy's little outfit.
Oh, he's so sweet.
Sweet? You hear that, Jackie? You're dressing our boy to look sweet.
Oh, did I say sweet? I meant dainty.
You know, if we want him to grow up to be a man, we should dress him like a man.
Why? I think the burping and drooling should cover that.
I'm the one who dresses him every morning.
I'm gonna choose what he wears.
I am this kid's father, and I should have as much say in it as his mother does.
Well, Fred, if you ever pass a kidney stone, we'll let you dress that up.
Andy, we gotta go.
I can feel these uterine walls closing in on us.
So, tomorrow, get the results of the second amnio test.
Thinking good thoughts? Yeah, I had one of them, once.
You and Dan doing okay? No, he's being a total jerk.
Really? Yeah, alls he thinks about is himself, you know? He's worried that a sick baby might be an inconvenience to him, so he's trying to hint around that I should have an abortion.
Oh, I'm sure he knows it's your decision.
I mean, he must respect your right to choose.
Yeah, well, as long as I choose to agree with him.
[Dan.]
Hey, we're out of shampoo.
Well, since when did you become too good for Tide? Forget I asked.
When are you gonna go paint that crib? I want to get started on the nursery.
Well, I thought we'd wait until, you know Until what, Dan? Just say what you mean.
Fine, you want me to paint the crib? I'll paint the crib.
What the hell is your-- Hey, D.
J.
, what do you say? Mr.
Brand New Turtleneck! What are you guys yelling about? We're not yelling.
Yes, we're just practicing for when we're old and we can't hear.
D.
J.
, why don't you get out of here? I haven't had any breakfast.
Okay, here.
Take this.
Go.
He doesn't know? No, he's too young.
And he's not gonna find out, right, Roseanne? Well, I don't know, Dan, I think we should tell him.
And then we should go out and tell the whole neighborhood.
How else are they all gonna vote on what I should do? I mean it, Roseanne.
Until we decide on this, I don't think we should worry the boy.
You're right, you know? He was pushing you.
I thought Dan was better then that.
Why? He's a man.
You know, this is the only area in the world that they can't control, and it drives them crazy, 'cause it doesn't come with a remote.
Hey, do you know that we're out of shampoo? Yeah, well, I'll wear a hat.
** [blues rock.]
[laughing.]
** [video game.]
[laughs.]
** [video game.]
Son? Yeah? I don't think I properly explained camping to you.
At least it's quiet in here.
What do you mean? You and Mom are always yelling.
Well, son, that's just what we do.
We're not readers.
I know it's different this time.
So what are you fighting about? Well, I guess I should probably tell you.
It's-- It's about your Christmas gift.
Really? Yeah.
See, I think you're old enough to handle that dirt bike you wanted, but your mom's thinking clothes.
So that's all the fighting's been about? Hey.
Everything's gonna be fine, I promise.
All right.
Huh? Dan? Dan, I would like to talk with you alone.
D.
J.
, get out of here.
I don't have to do what you tell me.
You're not my parent.
One Two Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
Dan? Go.
Okay.
You are lucky I didn't make it all the way to seven, young man! I can't believe you're treating Roseanne this way.
Jackie, it's none of your business.
It is my business.
She's my sister.
And you are trying to push her to do something that she might not want to do.
I'm not pushing her.
This is her decision.
Oh, no, no, you don't really mean that.
Yes, I do.
I don't agree with it, but I accept it.
I'm not trying to tell her what to do.
Well, no, not straight out, you're not.
You just hint and imply and, uh-- you know, hint.
No, I don't.
Really? Shouldn't we wait to paint the crib, Roseanne, untilyou know.
Why don't you just tie her to the examining table and tell the doctor what you want done? Stop it.
Who do you think you are? I said that because I thought if we got the news tomorrow and it was bad, and Roseanne--not me!-- but Roseanne decided to have an abortion, it might be hard for her to come home to a freshly-painted baby bed.
I'm not trying to influence her.
I'm trying to help her through this.
Every time I open my mouth, she shuts me out.
Okay, I'm sorry.
You know, you're not-- you're not gonna tell me that Roseanne is the only person you're thinking of, here, because you know what you want her to do.
Yeah, if it was up to me, and there was something really wrong with the baby, I'd want her to have an abortion.
Have you thought about how hard that might be for Roseanne? Do you realize how selfish that is? Is that what you think? [sighs.]
Why don't you just leave me alone, Jackie? I'm not trying to be selfish.
I mean, what if they baby's born wrong? What if it's born without a brain, or something? [sniffs.]
What would that do to the family, huh? What would that do to Roseanne? Oh, Dan.
I'm afraid its gonna wreck our marriage.
I mean, look how well we've handled this stress.
I'm sorry, I had no idea.
That's all right.
Just I'd like to be alone right now.
Okay.
Jackie, that's the opposite of alone.
I don't like that, either.
No.
I'll get this back to you.
Hey, Dan! Hey, Fred! Been drinking? Yeah.
Okay, then we're playing for money.
So how you doing? I called you because I figured you probably had your fill of fighting with Roseanne.
Oh, you're late, Fred.
You should have called in 1975.
I heard she pretty much shut you out.
Nah, she still talks to me.
Every now and again, she'll point at me and go, [demonic voice.]
"You.
" I'm really sorry, man.
Oh, well, thanks.
Listen, I know it's none of my business, but would you mind if I said something to you about all this? Yeah, sure.
As long as you keep it short and you don't try to hug me.
Oh, well Now there's no point.
Look, I just don't think you'd be a terrible person if you demanded some control over what Roseanne's gonna do.
"Roseanne" and "demand.
" Two words that go together like "waffle iron" and "forehead.
" Look, having a kid It's half yours.
This is a 50/50 proposition.
Yeah, when it finally comes out.
You gotta admit, Fred, this is different.
Is it? I mean, Roseanne and I always make the big decisions about the kids together.
Sometimes she gets her way, sometimes I get my way.
Oh, okay.
Forget it.
No, I mean it.
It's like the time I kicked David out of the house.
She didn't like it, but I got my way.
Yeah, but then you let David move right back in again, didn't you? Then she got her way.
You see? 50/50.
Hey, Dan, I'm not saying it's your fault.
You know, Jackie's the same way.
They have the kids, so they figure that they own them.
Well, maybe that's the way it is at your house, Fred, but me and Roseanne are okay.
Hey, Dan, you're forgetting something.
I've been to your house.
I've seen the dents in the ceiling from every time she says jump.
Hey, pal, at least I don't let my wife dress my son up like a girl.
I'm not saying Jackie doesn't try to push me around.
But at least I still put up a fight.
Hey, don't tell me I don't fight.
I fight plenty, and I'm not shadowboxing like you.
I'm hitting the heavy bag.
And you're way behind on points.
Yeah, I don't need this.
Lucky I don't get Roseanne over here to kick your butt.
Mom, I'm hungry.
Yeah, well, I did kind of cheat you on breakfast, so, how 'bout I'll make you a great snack? Okay.
Got your message.
What's up? D.
J.
, get out of here.
Where's my snack? Here you go.
Go! Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
I was just wondering if you could get Leon to take your shift tomorrow morning.
Probably, why? 'Cause I want you to go to the doctors with me and Dan.
No, I-- I really think it's something that you two ought to do alone, together.
Come on, Jackie.
I might have a really hard decision to make tomorrow, and I want some support from somebody that gets it.
Dan'll support you.
That's what he's there for.
No, he's there to push his opinion on me, and I do not need to get bad news and look over at that face and know what it's thinking.
He's not gonna push his ideas on you.
Have you really sat down and talked to Dan about this? Why would I do that? What are you, a man, now? Did you grow a kickstand? Italked to Dan.
You talked to Dan about this? Yes.
Yes, and I thought that he made some very good points.
He's worried about what a sick baby might do to you.
Roseanne, he's thinking about the whole family.
Oh, so you're on his side, now.
[stammers.]
No, it's still your decision.
He just want to be heard.
I heard him! He loves you, Roseanne! So you think I should do what he says, right? No one is trying to control you.
Yes, they are, Jackie.
You just don't get it.
This is not Dan's decision and it is not yours.
I have to make it, and I have to live with it.
You're not listening to me.
Get out.
Roseanne! No, I'm serious.
Get the hell out of here and leave me alone.
You okay? No, I lost my tiara.
What were you and Aunt Jackie fighting about? Which one of us is the prettiest.
Whose side are you on? Everything's fine, D.
J.
Are you sick? What are you asking me that for? 'Cause everybody's fighting and whispering.
Like they were at Ralph's house last year, when his mom was sick.
No, I'm not sick.
Then what's going on here? I mean, you can't still be arguing about my Christmas present like Dad said.
Well, I don't agree with your father, D.
J.
I don't think it's right to buy everyone a present except you.
Well, when Ralph's mom needed an operation, they lied to him, too.
Come here.
Okay, I'm gonna tell you the truth because you're not a little kid anymore.
I'm okay, but, um There's a chance that something's wrong with the baby.
Oh.
Yeah, so, I have to, uh-- make a decision whether to have it or not.
You mean you might have an abortion? Uh, yeah.
Yeah, that.
Maybe.
I don't know.
It's just a very, very complicated decision, D.
J.
Why? Because I have wanted to have a baby for a long time.
Well, if you decide not to have a baby, when you come back from the hospital, we can take care of you.
Hey, I know you're gonna be a man someday, but, see, you cannot do this.
Do what? No man has any right to tell any woman what she should do in a situation like this.
I'm not.
I'm just saying that, if you do have the baby and it's sick, we can take care of the baby, too.
So you mean, you're saying, like, uh what, that you would support any decision I make? Yeah.
Oh, well Thanks.
Thanks a lot, D.
J.
It really makes me feel better that you can handle the truth.
Good.
So am I getting a dirt bike for Chris-- No.
Where the hell's that doctor? I don't know.
Boy, I hope he's driving a truck for the city some day, and he has a break down.
Then we'll see who's waiting for who.
Hey, look at this.
He's got three kids.
Man, if that's what he thinks kids look like, how's he gonna know if something's wrong with ours? Listen, honey, no matter what this doctor says I'm gonna want to talk about this.
I'm sorry to keep you waiting.
Oh, no, that's okay.
We still have four bottles of beer on the wall.
Well, then, take one down and pass it a-- Yeah, okay.
The results of a second amnio indicate that, apparently, this first test was contaminated.
The second sample shows that everything is developing normally.
Oh, really? Mm-hmm.
You mean the kid's okay? That's right.
Hallelujah.
I'm sure you two would like to have some time alone.
Congratulations.
Take all the time you want.
Oh, oh, by the way: it's a girl.
Oh, my God, it's a little girl.
Oh, boy, another daughter.
She'll be able to wear hand me downs from Jackie's boy.
Hey, I'm really sorry, Dan.
I know, I was, like, pushing you away all week.
And I wasn't a very good wife.
No, man, I know.
That's okay.
You've been through a lot.
At least we're partners again, right? God, I just couldn't stand not knowing.
I was so scared.
Hey, I haven't been that great, either.
Oh, come on, Dan.
This is my apology, okay? Let me be the ass.
You always get to be the ass.
Okay, as of tonight, you are the biggest ass in the world.
Could this day possibly get any better? We are gonna celebrate so huge, tonight.
Anything you want for dinner.
Oh, great.
Let's finish off D.
J.
's Halloween candy.
Well, I already had that celebration without ya.
All right, then we'll just have a romantic dinner and finish off with an R-rated movie.
Oh, yeah? I've got a better idea.
We skip dinner and we'll make our own R-rated movie.
Okay, but I only appear naked if it's tasteful and organic to the plot.
[laughs.]
Hey, something's different.
What? Not only did God help our baby, but he cleaned our kitchen.
What are you doing with all this? They were all over upstairs.
I mean under my bed, in Becky's room.
There's even a piece of birthday cake in the bathroom! I was saving that.
Well, D.
J.
, your mother and I are very proud of you for covering up whatever you've done in such a clever way.
I just thought I'd help out.
I mean, I felt really bad about the baby.
That's so sweet, D.
J.
But you know what? There's nothing to worry about, 'cause we just saw the doctor, and he said the baby's fine.
It is? Yeah, but I think it'd be a lot better if you went and cleaned up the backyard.
D.
J.
, you don't have to do any more.
Thanks.
Why did you tell D.
J.
the baby might be sick? What? I thought we talked and we agreed that we weren't gonna say anything to the kids.
Well, we didn't.
I did.
Well, you should'a asked me.
Why? Because we agreed.
Well, I changed our mind.
Really 50/50, Roseanne.
What's your problem? Aw, fine.
Nothing.
I don't have a problem.
Well, great.
So Well, what do you want to do to celebrate? Well, you wanted me to paint that baby bed.
I might as well get on it.
Say, dear, isn't Roseanne and Dan's little girl I know.
I sent her a birthday gift, and I also got a little something for her two kids.
You know, that reminds me.
D.
J.
called today.
He finally got that big promotion.
Oh, that's great.
He has wanted to get on that trapeze for years.
Ooh, where's our little Andy? That kid is gonna miss his football game.
Oh, don't worry, dear.
I don't think they're gonna start without him.
After all, he is the captain of the squad.
Do you remember how you used to complain about the way I dressed him? Hey, Andy! Hurry up there, buddy boy! Will you guys stop yelling? I'm ready.
Now, son, before you go out there on that field today, your mom and I, we just want to tell you one thing.
We are so proud of you.
You've turned into one fine strapping young man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Where are my pom-poms? Right where you left them.
Up by your purse.
Yep, that boy's gonna break a few hearts one day.
[laughs.]
Why do I drink so much?