Rules of Engagement s07e11 Episode Script

Can you believe that fits And how much you'll give me if I put all in my mouth? - Nothing.
- You're on.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hi, honey.
- Stop it.
All of them.
So, good news.
You know how we wanted the Central Park birdhouse - for our wedding? - Yep.
They had a cancellation.
It's ours in two weeks.
Oh, wow, that's good news.
I thought you were planning your wedding in your hometown.
We were, but that's when the boathouse wasn't available.
- Now, it is.
- Oh, I love the boathouse.
Such a romantic setting.
You know what else is romantic? The coatroom in the boathouse.
Don't act like you don't remember that Bar Mitzvah.
Anyway, all I have to do is call this woman Heidi back to confirm.
Oh, Heidi! Hope it isn't Heidi-ho.
Oh.
Here we go.
Who's "Heidi-ho"? This woman that Jeff and I went to college with who always had a thing for him.
Audrey thinks that Heidi and I had a fling before we started dating, but we didn't.
I know that's hard to imagine, what, with all of this.
Well, why are you so sure she did? Because she would openly flirt with him right in front of me, touching him, laughing at his jokes.
He's not funny.
So for our wedding, I figured You wanna know why? Because we see her at a reunion, she still flirts with him.
No, she doesn't, why are we still talking about this? Because you won't just admit it! I'm not gonna take credit for something that isn't true.
Oh, please.
You take credit for inventing the word "supersize.
" Hey, I heard a lot of people start using that word right around the same time I did.
So enough about us and our big day.
What's up with you guys? How many ways to say I love you How many ways to say that I'm not scared With you by my side There is no denying Here's your lunch, sir.
Great.
Oh, hey, can you call the manufacturer of my fancy watch and report a problem? Oh, um, what problem is that? Well, it says it's 12:37, but that can't be right because I know my lunch is supposed to come no later than 12:30.
I get it, I'm seven minutes late with your lunch.
Perhaps you could've snacked on your self-satisfaction.
So what happened? Did you make some sort of detour? No, sir, just a long line at the deli today.
Oh, you didn't stop anywhere? Not even that nerdy bookstore with the vintage books you like? The one that smells like antique farts? Um, you know, come to think of it, I did pop into that shop Oh, okay.
But how did you know? Oh, just Lucky guess.
I suppose so.
Hey, Tim, in the future, maybe no more lies? I mean, I don't lie to you.
I'd expect the same in return.
You do nothing but lie to me.
Oh, boo-hoo, Tim.
Go cry to your friends at the fart store! So Audrey's still upset with that Heidi girl? Yeah, you know, Audrey and I have had a lot of fights over the years, but this is truly one of her favorites because she knows I can't win.
What? Why can't you win? 'Cause you can't prove a negative.
- Sure you can.
- No, you can't.
It's like if I said "hey, I heard that, one time at camp, you touched another dude's wiener.
" Well, Kyle's a liar.
- Wait, what? - What, what? Who? Uh, nothing.
Oh.
Well, listen, if you didn't sleep with Heidi, you should have, because Audrey already thinks you did which supports my theory: Never leave untapped that which could be tapped.
It was never really an option.
She's just a flirty girl.
I mean, she was that way with everybody.
Well, I believe you because you're trustworthy, and that's an important quality, one that I like in my best man.
- Oh, boy.
- Oh, no.
Yes, yes, this is a tough decision for me, but you're the two guys who know me the best.
I don't know.
Kyle might know a thing or two.
No.
No.
It's gotta be you two.
You know, as much as I hate to say this, I really think Russell's the man for the job.
- He's your boss.
- All right.
He took you under his little wing.
You know, but what I say is that I think it might be Jeff because he's been to the altar.
He's made the same mistake, you know? Yeah, I-I I was a I was afraid you guys might fight over this.
Is that what's happening? Well, that's why I prepared this: A list of questions to see who knows me best.
Now, whoever can answer the most gets to be my best man.
Question one: What is my middle name? - Suckhole.
- Who gives a crap? The correct answer is "Shannon.
" Um, but Russell's closest with the "s" guess, so hey, you get the point.
- Hey.
- Hey! Listen, I didn't know if you were hungry, so I got you a meatball sub.
Ate mine on the way home.
No, I already had dinner.
I was hoping you'd say that.
So just for fun, I decided to check out Heidi-ho's Facebook profile.
You seem happy.
How fat is she? Oh, no.
She's not fat.
I am happy because of a certain picture she posted.
Uh-huh, what am I looking at here? That's you in college without a shirt at a party.
"Where is your shirt?" You may ask.
Your shirt is on that girl sitting on your lap kissing your cheek.
She's wearing it.
So Heidi's wearing my shirt.
And kissing you! - This proves I'm right.
- No.
It was probably cold, so I gave her my shirt.
All it proves is that I was a gentleman.
All it proves is this fight is over.
I win.
No, it's not over.
It's far from over! My God, my pecs were defined.
Oh, excellent draping, Felipe, and thanks for remembering that I dress to the right.
Well, well, well.
Lookie here.
What are the chances? Sir, what are you doing here? I'm not telling you anything until you say, "I'm a fancy lad with fancy pants.
" - No.
- Say it.
- I will not.
- Sing it.
- Negative.
- Think it.
Fine.
For the past few weeks, you seem to know my every move.
The bookstore, the tailor, how many times I've used the restroom.
Yeah, what's with that? You have a UTI or something? Fess up, sir.
Did you install something in my phone so that you could track my whereabouts? In your phone? - Well, that would've been easier.
- Easier than what? Hey, a houndstooth handkerchief.
They still make these? What have you done? Uh, okay.
Remember when I made everyone in the company get a mandatory flu shot? Well, you were the only one that actually got one.
Why would you bring in a nurse to give only me a flu shot? Well, 'cause she wasn't exactly a nurse.
She was a veterinary assistant I was dating at the time.
No.
Did Did you implant a tracking chip in me? I kinda did.
You actually inserted a microchip into my body to track me.
Unbelievable! You are an animal.
I'm not the one with a pet chip in him.
Oh, no.
Don't.
Timmy, don't leave.
I'll know where you're going.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How'd the best man quiz go? Oh, they both went 1 for 30.
Aw, that's not very good.
I know.
Tied for first.
This'll be tougher than I thought.
You know, I don't think I've ever said this to you before, but maybe you're over-thinking this.
I do do that.
"Doo-doo.
" Okay, why don't you ask yourself who's been there for you the most? Yeah.
Yeah, like, who would rescue me if I was in danger? That's not what I meant.
When the chips are down, and my life is on the line I don't like where this is headed.
You know, the only way to really know who should be my best man is to see who has my back when it counts.
Don't put yourself in danger.
That's exactly what I'm gonna do.
- Hey, thanks again, honey.
- Mm.
Great idea.
Hey, you ready for dinner? I was thinking maybe we could stay in.
Huh, we don't have any food.
Just have something delivered.
Come on.
I wanna go out.
Fine.
Let's go out.
Let me just take a quick bath.
Bath? What's going on with you? Aw, forget the bath.
Just get the door.
- Audrey! - Heidi-ho my gosh.
What are you doing here? Well, Jeff called and asked me to come over.
- He did? - Yeah, yeah.
He did.
Audrey and I need you to help us settle a little disagreement that we're having.
All right, okay.
This is all Jeff's idea.
Frankly, I'm embarrassed he asked you over here at all.
Don't let her presence embarrass you.
Let her words do it.
Now, Heidi, could you tell Audrey the nature of our college relationship in your own words? Well, we were friends in college.
Friends.
So we saw each other socially and nothing more? Is that a fair assessment? Yeah, I guess that's what friends are.
Interesting, interesting.
- Your witness.
- Jeff.
Wait a minute.
Is that what this is all about? Audrey, did you think Jeff and I had something going on? Well no, not when we were dating.
I just thought, you know, perhaps, you two were an item before we started dating, which is fine.
It's not even any of my business.
No, no, we never did anything.
And that's not from Facebook.
That's from her actual face.
Well, honestly, you had nothing to worry about, Audrey.
I mean, Jeff's really not my type.
Yeah.
He's really not anyone's type, is he? Damn, voice mail.
Jeff, Jeff, it's Adam.
Look, I was climbing my favorite rock in Central Park, and my foot got stuck, okay? I need you to come help me right away.
Please hurry.
I don't want to have to cut this thing off! Agh Adam.
"Ignore.
" The race is on, gentlemen.
Timmy, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be at 74th and Broadway.
I was there.
It's my doctor's office where I had the chip removed.
Why? It was such a fun game.
It was like "where's Waldo?" But incredibly easy.
Sorry, but the fun is over.
Okay, look My lunch has been late a few times.
You know how I get when my blood sugar gets low.
I turn into a bit of a micromanager.
Micro! And I implanted you with a microchip.
That's wonderful.
All right, what's this? It's my letter of resignation.
Oh, we have a company letterhead? I didn't know that.
Can I get a bunch of these? I cannot - As I no longer work for you.
- Oh, come on.
This is the part where I apologize and tell you to come back, and then you say no, and then you cave in.
We've done this a million times.
Can we not do it again? Good-bye, sir.
Well, this is a new wrinkle.
Heidi, I am so glad you came.
Thanks for making it abundantly clear that we never dated.
Well, it's hilarious that you ever thought we did.
- I know.
- A real hoot for all of us.
Anyway, we will see you at the next reunion.
Yes, I'm looking forward to it.
I'll walk you out.
Thanks.
Thanks again for coming.
Oh, happy to help, and I think she bought it.
Yeah.
What did you just say? I said, "I think she bought that I wasn't interested in you back in college.
" I I mean, you knew I was, right? I did not know that.
Oh, my God.
Well, I mean, I saw something was bothering Audrey, so I played along, but I totally had a thing for you.
Did you now? Yes.
I thought it was so obvious.
I was always flirting with you and touching you and laughing at your jokes.
How could you not see that? That's a good question.
As a matter of fact, when you called, I was kind of hoping that's what this was about.
How about that? There you go.
It was really fun seeing you.
Fun isn't even the word.
All right.
Go ahead.
Gloat that you won the 20-year argument.
Yeah.
I win.
You know, after talking to her, I feel pretty dumb that I ever thought there was anything between you and Heidi.
Yeah, well, there wasn't, so let's just forget the whole thing.
You know, I guess in my mind, she was skanky because I resented her, but she's actually really pretty.
I mean, she's way out of your league.
Right.
Movin' movin' on.
Oh, God, she could not have been less interested in you.
Yeah, I was here.
Boy, did we have a good laugh about that one.
Okay.
Okay, you know, I didn't wanna have to tell you this, but if she's so out of my league, then why did she just hit on me? That's a good one.
No, she did, right there at the elevator.
Said that she's always wanted some of this, and, you know what? Still does.
Honey, she just sat there saying the complete opposite.
That was all for your benefit.
Oh, ho, honey.
No, don't patronize me.
There's an attractive woman out there who is hot for me.
Okay, sweetheart, you cannot have this both ways, okay? You just spent 20 years trying to convince me she wasn't into you.
You finally did! You won! Enjoy it.
I can't, I can't.
Not like this.
Heidi.
Heidi, it's Jeff.
Yeah.
Could you come on back up here, and tell Audrey how you've always wanted me and still do? What do you mean? How is that weird? Hey.
So Adam didn't come home last night.
Oh, you know what? You should think about chipping him.
He was waiting for you idiots, and neither of you were any help at all.
Don't look at me.
I didn't get a message.
Well, it didn't work.
He was at the park all night.
What was he doing in the park? I don't know.
He's a dope.
Oh, my God! You're freezing.
No, no, I've never felt more alive.
Why are you looking so happy? I was watching the sunrise or a bum drop a twosie on the jogging path.
I realized something.
I realized you guys weren't coming, but it wasn't because you didn't care.
- It wasn't? - No.
No, it was because you knew that I had to figure this out for myself.
- Mm.
- Right? I mean, I'm an adult now.
I'm getting married.
I can't always rely on my friends to bail me out.
No, you cannot.
You guys taught me that lesson.
That was the lesson - that we were intending to teach.
- Yeah.
Listen, we were talking to Jen about this whole "best man" thing, and it's not fair that you have to choose between us, so what do you think about having co-best men? Seriously? Bros, you have no idea what this means to me.
Hey, I'm gonna buy you guys breakfast Right after I thaw out my junk under the hand dryer.
Hey, Timmy.
Tidying up the old work space.
I appreciate that.
It was looking a little taj mahalian here.
Yeah, but I didn't say anything 'cause I'm the cool boss.
All right, are you still mad that I chipped you? Look, I'm sorry, all right? I'm gonna make it up to you.
Congratulations.
You're getting that promotion you asked for.
No, thanks.
But it comes with your own office! Pass.
All right, listen, a couple weeks ago, I needed you.
Tried to get you on your phone, you weren't answering.
I couldn't find you, and I And what? You needed someone to blow on your soup? Apply your ointment? Help convince some unsuspecting girl that you're Thirtysomething's Peter Horton? No.
Truth is, I panicked.
And I started thinking, "I don't know what'd I do if you weren't here.
" You're about to find out.
Good-bye, sir.
Timmy.
Tim! Come here.
Who's gonna help convince chicks that I'm Thirtysomething's Peter Horton? All right, you guys ready to go to the movies? Uh, not quite.
Well, it starts pretty soon.
Oh, don't worry, you won't miss the show biz celebrity scramble quiz.
This time, if the clue's "Indiana Jones," I know it's not Harrison Dorf.
All right, let's get moving.
Fine, let's go.
Let me just take a quick bath.
Oh, never mind.
Get that.
Adam.
Kyle? What are you doing here? I invited him.
Found him on Facebook.
Now, how do you two know each other again?