The King of Queens s07e11 Episode Script
Pour Judgment
Oh, that's, uh- That's my pillow.
What? That pillow behind you.
That one- That one's mine.
Well, there's two perfectly good pillows right there.
No way.
This one's too puffy, and this one's too flat.
Can I have my pillow, please? I need it.
It's perfect for my special head needs.
Well, I'm sorry.
I'm all set up here.
So why don't you lay your special head on one of these pillows, close your eyes and fall asleep.
Okay, is that what you think happens here every night? I just close my eyes and fall asleep? Yeah.
That's pretty much how it goes down.
Okay, Carrie, that is my pillow, and I want her now.
And I am telling you, Doug, that I'm not moving.
I don't care.
Yeah.
You know what? You are such a baby.
Yeah? Here, here, here.
And now I'm gonna sleep like one too.
Actually, I think that's my pillow, right there.
Gin rummy, you and me, right now.
Oh, I'm sorry, Dad.
I have to finish this report.
You can keep dealin'.
I'm still not playin'.
Dad, if you have nothing to do, why don't you go down to the senior center? No.
Not as along as George Barksdale is president.
He picks the movies, he picks the pudding, and if ya cross him, good luck in getting a bingo card.
Well, if you're so unhappy, why don't you just say something? The last guy who did that was "accidentally" run over by a Rascal scooter.
Barksdale's goons are everywhere.
I'm tellin' ya I gave it back to you.
No, you didn't.
You came a long way for some humble pie.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Car.
Hey.
Deacon seems to think we have his Earth, Wind & Fire box set.
Now, you haven't seen it, right? Yes.
It's right there on the bookshelf.
I told you to give it back to him.
Thanks.
Okay, was, uh this not clear to you? Anyway, I'm gonna head out.
What ya talkin' about? We were gonna watch the Knicks.
I gotta get up early to take that personnel evaluation test at work.
No- No, they didn't tell you? It's- It's optional.
I know.
I'm still taking it.
Okay, do you know what "optional" means? I don't wanna be a driver my whole life.
Here's a chance for me to improve myself and move up in the company.
I think I can get up an hour earlier for that.
Yeah? Well, while you're improving yourself, I'll be laying in bed holding in a bladder full of pee.
What's this test Deacon's talking about? It's nothin'.
He said it can help you move up in the company.
How come you're not taking it? Does anybody know what "optional" means? It's not for a specific promotion.
It's just some kind of general aptitude thing.
Oh, I see.
So you're taking yourself out of the running for any promotion ever? From your lips to his ears.
Look, Carrie, I'd probably do lousy at it anyway.
Well, how do you know if you don't even try, Doug? We've been married for 10 years, but I've never seen you really try for anything.
Believe me, I've tried for things.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
You did try to finish Newark's biggest burrito.
It would've been free.
All right, forget it.
Sorry I even brought it up.
You know, I did try for something once.
It was 1989, and I was working as bouncer at this place called Poison, one of the hottest clubs in Queens.
But what I really wanted to be was a bartender.
The movie Cocktail was taking the world by storm and dishing out booze was the coolest job a guy could have.
Then finally one night, my boss said the magic words I'd been waiting to hear.
"Mike called in sick.
"He ate some bad salmon.
He's been on the toilet all day.
" I finally got my shot.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Ya understand now? Well, I don't remember Cocktail taking the world by storm, but other than that, yeah, I guess.
Let me tell ya.
I learned something that night.
You don't try for things, you don't get hurt.
Doug, is this all because of what happened at some stupid club? Stupid? Okay.
Stupid clu- That's why Bell, Biv and DeVoe were regulars.
All I'm saying, in my career, okay, I try for things, and yet I fail, and it hurts, but I keep trying.
You wanna know why? You're a slow learner? No, because I want a better life for us.
Better? Doug, please.
Carrie, I don't know what you want from me.
I'm just a truck driver, and I'm fine with that.
Why can't you be? Because I don't think you're just a truck driver, Doug.
I think you're a smart, talented guy who could do anything he wants to.
I just wish you felt the same way.
I did it.
Did what? I thought about what you said last night, and you're right.
I shouldn't be afraid to try something, so I went out, and I did it.
You took the I.
P.
S.
test? No, no- I enrolled in bartending school.
Bartending school? Yeah, it's a two-week course.
I already called Paddy down at Cooper's.
He's gonna give me some shifts as soon as I get my certification.
Doug, you're gonna be a bartender and quit your job at I.
P.
S.
? No, no, not yet.
But, hey, who knows where this wild ride is gonna take us, you know? You know, I- I don't want a wild ride.
Maybe someday we'll have our own bar.
We can call it "Doug's Place.
" Slow down, honey- Or I can change my name to Melrose, and we can call it "Melrose Place.
" Hey, guys.
What's going on? I'm going back to school.
Oh, great! Yeah, bartending school.
Ooh, better yet.
Bravo, Douglas.
And while we're making announcements, I've decided to run for senior center president.
Good for you.
Yes.
I'm going to end Barksdale's reign of terror and begin my own.
All right, see you guys later.
All right.
Bartender.
Rarr! Doug, you have a union job with a pension and health benefits.
You can't throw all that away.
That's crazy.
I know it's crazy, but you told me I'm talented, and I'm great, and you said I could do whatever I wanted, right? Yes.
If you believe in me, that's all I need.
Mwah! Ha-ha! Crap.
All right, everybody, settle down.
So you people think you have what it takes, huh? Think ya can cut it? Think ya got the right stuff? Is this the 1-2-3 bartending class? Get out.
Huh? Get out! You thought this was gonna be easy.
Well, let me tell ya something.
One out of three of you ain't gonna make it through this course.
So I want you to look at the person to your left and look at the person to your right, because one of those people ain't gonna be here tomorrow, and that person could- Where you lookin', meat? I, uh- I-I-I didn't have anybody to my right, so I just- You- You know what? I'll go- Sit down.
I'm gonna sit down.
All right.
Let's dive in.
Rule number one: A depressed customer is the best customer.
Good job, huh? Hey.
I ain't shakin' your hand, meat.
You're not? Come here.
Ha-ha! Huh? Hey! Yeah! There he is, the smug despot, drunk with power.
All right, Holly, you're my campaign manager.
Let's get goin'.
Okay, well, I guess you should tell people why you're running.
What's your platform? Essentially, my platform is I'd like to be president very badly.
Okay, but the voters are gonna wanna know what you're gonna do once you're elected.
That's none of their business.
Okay, here we go.
What can I get you? Uh, club soda, please.
Yeah.
What is it? Oh, it's just that I just graduated from bartending school, and you're my first customer.
Well, that's great.
Yeah, I was kind of hoping that my first drink would be memorable.
You know, like a mai tai or a Bermuda rum swizzle.
Yeah.
Uh, look, I- I- I got a little drinking problem, you know, so I'd- I'd just rather not, yeah.
Guy, just one.
Double scotch, neat.
There you go.
Alrighty.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, what can I get for ya? Just a Bud Light.
Uh, you know I do serve from Europe, heh.
Great.
You're a regular Epcot Center.
Just give me a Bud Light.
Comin' right up.
Here we go.
Oh.
All right.
Ahem.
Okay, uh- Whoa! Okay.
Whoa-ho.
That's, uh- That's half price, that one right there.
That's half price.
I mean, I just don't know what to do.
Should I talk to Steve? Should I not talk to Steve? I mean, is he ever gonna change? Uh, you know, ladies, those drinks come with free advice, and man problems is my specialty.
Oh.
Well, can you tell me how to get my husband to stop sleeping with every woman he meets and spend about 10 minutes with his own son? No, but let me set you ladies up with some beer nuts.
Hey.
So how'd it go? I did good.
Great.
I'm officially a bartender's wife.
Just what I've always wanted, a husband who reeks of olives.
Actually, you're gonna have that either way.
But don't worry.
I'm giving up bartending.
I'm gonna stick with I.
P.
S.
Really? Yeah.
I don't know.
All these years, I built up bartending to be such this magical thing.
You know, it turns out it's just a- Another stupid job.
I'll tell ya, I'm glad I did it, though, 'cause 15 years ago, oh, I screwed up bigtime, you know? And tonight I just proved that I could do it, you know? I- I just conquered my demon.
Did you, uh make this all tonight in tips? Actually, more.
On the way home, I hit an Arby's drive-through pretty hard.
Are you sure you're not giving up on this bartending thing a little too soon? What are you talking about? You said it was a dumb idea.
Yeah, but that was before eh! I mean honey, if you can make all this in one night in some crappy bar in Queens, just think what you can make in Manhattan.
As a matter of fact, there's a bar next-door to where I work.
I know the owner.
I can get you in there.
No, that's it.
I'm done with this whole thing.
I'm over it.
I conquered my demon.
I don't think you did.
What are ya-? What are you talkin' about? I conquered the crap out of it.
No.
No, I don't think you- You conquered your demon at all.
You know, now that I think about it, your demon wasn't not trying, you know, it was quitting.
Yeah, that's your demon right there.
Quitter.
No, no, no, that's not my demon.
I'll tell ya what my demon is.
My demon is you.
Come on, Doug.
All we've been talking about is your dreams.
What about my dreams? I've always wanted to live in Manhattan, If we had more money, we could do that.
Look, I want you to be happy, okay? Maybe I'll- I'll take that I.
P.
S.
test, and I can move up through the company- Okay, you know what? If I hear one more word about that stupid I.
P.
S.
test, I'm gonna puke.
Come on, honey.
We could do this.
I mean, we'll have my salary.
You'll be working in the bar four or five times a week.
In this dream, uh, am I also working at I.
P.
S.
? Manhattan ain't cheap, babe.
Okay? This is a whole new life for us! Yeah, but if I'm working all the time, you'll never see me.
Yeah, but I'll have eh-heh! Thank you very much.
Ah, Josephine, my dear, I hope I can count on your vote.
Oh, well, actually I'm voting for Mr.
Barksdale.
I think he's doing a very nice job.
I see.
Welcome to my enemies list.
Spooner.
I understand you've been questioning my war record.
I just think people have a right to know why you didn't serve in Vietnam.
Because I was 60.
Sixty or just plain yella? How are we doing in the polls? Ten people say they're gonna vote for you, and three for McGovern.
There's my problem.
He's got the black vote all sewn up.
Not much you can do about that.
Or is there? Hey, what's going on? You said there was some sort of emergency.
Ah, Deacon, slap it high.
What? How's by you, my talented and very equal friend? Wh-what exactly is the emergency? Well, actually it was an emergency of the heart.
I haven't seen you since the Million Man March, and I need a hug.
Now.
What the hell's goin' on? All right, look, I'm running for senior center president, and I need the black vote to win.
Play ball, and you and your family will have powdered milk for the rest of your lives.
What? Do you know how insulting this is? Hey, everybody, Arthur Spooner is a bad man.
You hear that, everyone? I'm bad! They keep coming! Why is everyone so thirsty? You're doing great, just move a little faster, honey.
Hey.
Great bartender, huh? Cute too, don't you think? He's kinda sweaty.
And I ain't hatin' it.
Whoa.
Fifty-cent tip.
How am I gonna get to Manhattan with that? Doug, do that.
Do what he's doing.
What? Do the bottle flip.
The only time I did that move was in class, and it was with a Nerf bottle.
Do it for me, baby, please? Hey! Okay.
So the bartending didn't work out as well as we hoped.
But you're still great, and you're still talented.
Okay, you know what? Tomorrow morning, you are gonna march in there, and you are gonna take that I.
P.
S.
test, and you're gonna show 'em what's what.
Oh.
Yeah.
"Employee demonstrates no special skills "or potential for advancement.
"His qualifications for his current job are questionable at best.
" Well now we know.
Spooner.
Hello, Barksdale.
Congratulations on your unanimous victory.
I hope we can put all this ugliness behind us.
'Fraid not.
Just not in the face.
What? That pillow behind you.
That one- That one's mine.
Well, there's two perfectly good pillows right there.
No way.
This one's too puffy, and this one's too flat.
Can I have my pillow, please? I need it.
It's perfect for my special head needs.
Well, I'm sorry.
I'm all set up here.
So why don't you lay your special head on one of these pillows, close your eyes and fall asleep.
Okay, is that what you think happens here every night? I just close my eyes and fall asleep? Yeah.
That's pretty much how it goes down.
Okay, Carrie, that is my pillow, and I want her now.
And I am telling you, Doug, that I'm not moving.
I don't care.
Yeah.
You know what? You are such a baby.
Yeah? Here, here, here.
And now I'm gonna sleep like one too.
Actually, I think that's my pillow, right there.
Gin rummy, you and me, right now.
Oh, I'm sorry, Dad.
I have to finish this report.
You can keep dealin'.
I'm still not playin'.
Dad, if you have nothing to do, why don't you go down to the senior center? No.
Not as along as George Barksdale is president.
He picks the movies, he picks the pudding, and if ya cross him, good luck in getting a bingo card.
Well, if you're so unhappy, why don't you just say something? The last guy who did that was "accidentally" run over by a Rascal scooter.
Barksdale's goons are everywhere.
I'm tellin' ya I gave it back to you.
No, you didn't.
You came a long way for some humble pie.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Car.
Hey.
Deacon seems to think we have his Earth, Wind & Fire box set.
Now, you haven't seen it, right? Yes.
It's right there on the bookshelf.
I told you to give it back to him.
Thanks.
Okay, was, uh this not clear to you? Anyway, I'm gonna head out.
What ya talkin' about? We were gonna watch the Knicks.
I gotta get up early to take that personnel evaluation test at work.
No- No, they didn't tell you? It's- It's optional.
I know.
I'm still taking it.
Okay, do you know what "optional" means? I don't wanna be a driver my whole life.
Here's a chance for me to improve myself and move up in the company.
I think I can get up an hour earlier for that.
Yeah? Well, while you're improving yourself, I'll be laying in bed holding in a bladder full of pee.
What's this test Deacon's talking about? It's nothin'.
He said it can help you move up in the company.
How come you're not taking it? Does anybody know what "optional" means? It's not for a specific promotion.
It's just some kind of general aptitude thing.
Oh, I see.
So you're taking yourself out of the running for any promotion ever? From your lips to his ears.
Look, Carrie, I'd probably do lousy at it anyway.
Well, how do you know if you don't even try, Doug? We've been married for 10 years, but I've never seen you really try for anything.
Believe me, I've tried for things.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
You did try to finish Newark's biggest burrito.
It would've been free.
All right, forget it.
Sorry I even brought it up.
You know, I did try for something once.
It was 1989, and I was working as bouncer at this place called Poison, one of the hottest clubs in Queens.
But what I really wanted to be was a bartender.
The movie Cocktail was taking the world by storm and dishing out booze was the coolest job a guy could have.
Then finally one night, my boss said the magic words I'd been waiting to hear.
"Mike called in sick.
"He ate some bad salmon.
He's been on the toilet all day.
" I finally got my shot.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Ya understand now? Well, I don't remember Cocktail taking the world by storm, but other than that, yeah, I guess.
Let me tell ya.
I learned something that night.
You don't try for things, you don't get hurt.
Doug, is this all because of what happened at some stupid club? Stupid? Okay.
Stupid clu- That's why Bell, Biv and DeVoe were regulars.
All I'm saying, in my career, okay, I try for things, and yet I fail, and it hurts, but I keep trying.
You wanna know why? You're a slow learner? No, because I want a better life for us.
Better? Doug, please.
Carrie, I don't know what you want from me.
I'm just a truck driver, and I'm fine with that.
Why can't you be? Because I don't think you're just a truck driver, Doug.
I think you're a smart, talented guy who could do anything he wants to.
I just wish you felt the same way.
I did it.
Did what? I thought about what you said last night, and you're right.
I shouldn't be afraid to try something, so I went out, and I did it.
You took the I.
P.
S.
test? No, no- I enrolled in bartending school.
Bartending school? Yeah, it's a two-week course.
I already called Paddy down at Cooper's.
He's gonna give me some shifts as soon as I get my certification.
Doug, you're gonna be a bartender and quit your job at I.
P.
S.
? No, no, not yet.
But, hey, who knows where this wild ride is gonna take us, you know? You know, I- I don't want a wild ride.
Maybe someday we'll have our own bar.
We can call it "Doug's Place.
" Slow down, honey- Or I can change my name to Melrose, and we can call it "Melrose Place.
" Hey, guys.
What's going on? I'm going back to school.
Oh, great! Yeah, bartending school.
Ooh, better yet.
Bravo, Douglas.
And while we're making announcements, I've decided to run for senior center president.
Good for you.
Yes.
I'm going to end Barksdale's reign of terror and begin my own.
All right, see you guys later.
All right.
Bartender.
Rarr! Doug, you have a union job with a pension and health benefits.
You can't throw all that away.
That's crazy.
I know it's crazy, but you told me I'm talented, and I'm great, and you said I could do whatever I wanted, right? Yes.
If you believe in me, that's all I need.
Mwah! Ha-ha! Crap.
All right, everybody, settle down.
So you people think you have what it takes, huh? Think ya can cut it? Think ya got the right stuff? Is this the 1-2-3 bartending class? Get out.
Huh? Get out! You thought this was gonna be easy.
Well, let me tell ya something.
One out of three of you ain't gonna make it through this course.
So I want you to look at the person to your left and look at the person to your right, because one of those people ain't gonna be here tomorrow, and that person could- Where you lookin', meat? I, uh- I-I-I didn't have anybody to my right, so I just- You- You know what? I'll go- Sit down.
I'm gonna sit down.
All right.
Let's dive in.
Rule number one: A depressed customer is the best customer.
Good job, huh? Hey.
I ain't shakin' your hand, meat.
You're not? Come here.
Ha-ha! Huh? Hey! Yeah! There he is, the smug despot, drunk with power.
All right, Holly, you're my campaign manager.
Let's get goin'.
Okay, well, I guess you should tell people why you're running.
What's your platform? Essentially, my platform is I'd like to be president very badly.
Okay, but the voters are gonna wanna know what you're gonna do once you're elected.
That's none of their business.
Okay, here we go.
What can I get you? Uh, club soda, please.
Yeah.
What is it? Oh, it's just that I just graduated from bartending school, and you're my first customer.
Well, that's great.
Yeah, I was kind of hoping that my first drink would be memorable.
You know, like a mai tai or a Bermuda rum swizzle.
Yeah.
Uh, look, I- I- I got a little drinking problem, you know, so I'd- I'd just rather not, yeah.
Guy, just one.
Double scotch, neat.
There you go.
Alrighty.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, what can I get for ya? Just a Bud Light.
Uh, you know I do serve from Europe, heh.
Great.
You're a regular Epcot Center.
Just give me a Bud Light.
Comin' right up.
Here we go.
Oh.
All right.
Ahem.
Okay, uh- Whoa! Okay.
Whoa-ho.
That's, uh- That's half price, that one right there.
That's half price.
I mean, I just don't know what to do.
Should I talk to Steve? Should I not talk to Steve? I mean, is he ever gonna change? Uh, you know, ladies, those drinks come with free advice, and man problems is my specialty.
Oh.
Well, can you tell me how to get my husband to stop sleeping with every woman he meets and spend about 10 minutes with his own son? No, but let me set you ladies up with some beer nuts.
Hey.
So how'd it go? I did good.
Great.
I'm officially a bartender's wife.
Just what I've always wanted, a husband who reeks of olives.
Actually, you're gonna have that either way.
But don't worry.
I'm giving up bartending.
I'm gonna stick with I.
P.
S.
Really? Yeah.
I don't know.
All these years, I built up bartending to be such this magical thing.
You know, it turns out it's just a- Another stupid job.
I'll tell ya, I'm glad I did it, though, 'cause 15 years ago, oh, I screwed up bigtime, you know? And tonight I just proved that I could do it, you know? I- I just conquered my demon.
Did you, uh make this all tonight in tips? Actually, more.
On the way home, I hit an Arby's drive-through pretty hard.
Are you sure you're not giving up on this bartending thing a little too soon? What are you talking about? You said it was a dumb idea.
Yeah, but that was before eh! I mean honey, if you can make all this in one night in some crappy bar in Queens, just think what you can make in Manhattan.
As a matter of fact, there's a bar next-door to where I work.
I know the owner.
I can get you in there.
No, that's it.
I'm done with this whole thing.
I'm over it.
I conquered my demon.
I don't think you did.
What are ya-? What are you talkin' about? I conquered the crap out of it.
No.
No, I don't think you- You conquered your demon at all.
You know, now that I think about it, your demon wasn't not trying, you know, it was quitting.
Yeah, that's your demon right there.
Quitter.
No, no, no, that's not my demon.
I'll tell ya what my demon is.
My demon is you.
Come on, Doug.
All we've been talking about is your dreams.
What about my dreams? I've always wanted to live in Manhattan, If we had more money, we could do that.
Look, I want you to be happy, okay? Maybe I'll- I'll take that I.
P.
S.
test, and I can move up through the company- Okay, you know what? If I hear one more word about that stupid I.
P.
S.
test, I'm gonna puke.
Come on, honey.
We could do this.
I mean, we'll have my salary.
You'll be working in the bar four or five times a week.
In this dream, uh, am I also working at I.
P.
S.
? Manhattan ain't cheap, babe.
Okay? This is a whole new life for us! Yeah, but if I'm working all the time, you'll never see me.
Yeah, but I'll have eh-heh! Thank you very much.
Ah, Josephine, my dear, I hope I can count on your vote.
Oh, well, actually I'm voting for Mr.
Barksdale.
I think he's doing a very nice job.
I see.
Welcome to my enemies list.
Spooner.
I understand you've been questioning my war record.
I just think people have a right to know why you didn't serve in Vietnam.
Because I was 60.
Sixty or just plain yella? How are we doing in the polls? Ten people say they're gonna vote for you, and three for McGovern.
There's my problem.
He's got the black vote all sewn up.
Not much you can do about that.
Or is there? Hey, what's going on? You said there was some sort of emergency.
Ah, Deacon, slap it high.
What? How's by you, my talented and very equal friend? Wh-what exactly is the emergency? Well, actually it was an emergency of the heart.
I haven't seen you since the Million Man March, and I need a hug.
Now.
What the hell's goin' on? All right, look, I'm running for senior center president, and I need the black vote to win.
Play ball, and you and your family will have powdered milk for the rest of your lives.
What? Do you know how insulting this is? Hey, everybody, Arthur Spooner is a bad man.
You hear that, everyone? I'm bad! They keep coming! Why is everyone so thirsty? You're doing great, just move a little faster, honey.
Hey.
Great bartender, huh? Cute too, don't you think? He's kinda sweaty.
And I ain't hatin' it.
Whoa.
Fifty-cent tip.
How am I gonna get to Manhattan with that? Doug, do that.
Do what he's doing.
What? Do the bottle flip.
The only time I did that move was in class, and it was with a Nerf bottle.
Do it for me, baby, please? Hey! Okay.
So the bartending didn't work out as well as we hoped.
But you're still great, and you're still talented.
Okay, you know what? Tomorrow morning, you are gonna march in there, and you are gonna take that I.
P.
S.
test, and you're gonna show 'em what's what.
Oh.
Yeah.
"Employee demonstrates no special skills "or potential for advancement.
"His qualifications for his current job are questionable at best.
" Well now we know.
Spooner.
Hello, Barksdale.
Congratulations on your unanimous victory.
I hope we can put all this ugliness behind us.
'Fraid not.
Just not in the face.