Home Improvement s07e12 Episode Script

- Hi.
- Oh, hi, sweetie.
You won't believe what happened to me today.
What? Wayne County Community College called the set and wants me to teach a class.
How to Blow Yourself Up 101? You know, these barbs draw blood sometimes.
It's actually a 12-week course in auto repair.
You'd be great teaching auto shop.
That's what the dean said.
What do I know about teaching? - Isn't that what you do on Tool Time? - No.
Tool Time is a veiled attempt at entertainment.
Teaching is serious business.
You're talking about kids' futures.
If you don't prepare just right they're gonna heckle ya, throw spitwads at ya.
- They don't do that stuff in college.
- Want to bet? You're always saying that you want to give something back to the automotive community.
I give them 30 percent of my annual income already.
No, look.
You'll finally get to share your knowledge of cars.
I share that knowledge with you guys all the time.
But now you'll be sharing it with someone who's interested.
Hello, class.
Oh, whoa.
Wayne Community College is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Ha, ha! What's up? What's up? - Welcome.
- Thank you, Heidi.
- No, man, it's Billy.
- But we'd trade him for Heidi.
Thank you, flat top.
I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
For the next 12 weeks you will be my assistants.
Yeah.
All right! We're gonna talk about the most important part of a car.
The back seat? They'll be covering that in Miss Hensley's class down the hall, Our Bodies, Ourselves.
We're gonna focus on the engine, actually.
- All right! - No, no, sit, sit, sit! You don't need tools today.
All you need is paper and pencils.
I'm gonna do a history lesson about the internal combustion engine.
It's interesting because most people don't know it was developed in a little village in France.
- That's cold.
- Very good spit to wad ratio on that.
Very nice, very nice.
Is this not interesting? Is that the problem? - We came here to get our hands dirty.
- Oh, really? Well, look.
The school curriculum says the first lesson is just lecture, OK? Since when does "The Tool Man" follow instructions? Right.
He didn't follow them when he fell in that port-a-potty.
You know, this material is boring but it may come up on a test.
You make the tests.
I do? I can give D's rather than get them? I'm the king.
And these are my subjects.
I say, let's get greasy.
Great! All right! We gotta get to the movies.
I know.
I just gotta set up the table for your dad.
He's running late.
I hope he didn't forget about the poker game.
Dad forget about poker? It's like Mark forgetting to be a dork.
Or Randy forgetting to wear the color "puke.
" Can we get through the rest of this evening without any more insults? Mom, I'll drive to the movies.
Geek-boy and Vomit-Shirt can sit in back.
Sorry I'm late.
Thanks for putting the table together.
- How did your first class go? - It was great.
So much energy.
I love school.
And I think hell just froze over.
The two hours went by like that.
They picked my brain clean.
What did you do for the other hour and 59 minutes? I thought about what I was gonna buy with your allowance.
I want to hear all about the class when we get back from the movies, OK? You don't have to leave.
I'm making my "mucho macho" chili.
Stick around.
Five men and a vat of chili.
Hm.
You might want to get a hotel room.
Later.
All right.
Cut those.
Everybody in.
The game, gentlemen, is Five Card Draw.
Jacks back, snake in the grass.
So, Professor Tim, how was your first day in the world of academia? It was great.
I have a really cool group of students.
Hey, during roll call was anyone named Seymour Butts? Or Jacques Strap? Or Kay O'Pectate? Whers the last time you were on a campus, Harry? Oh, let's see.
I got out of 'Nam in '71, so that would make it never.
You ever thought of going back to school, Al? I don't know.
What would I do at school? Well, you could become a lab experiment.
Let's go, guys.
I've got rent to pay.
You don't pay rent.
You mooch off your aunt.
It was a figure of speech.
Right up there with, "My wallet's in the car.
" I need two and I'm in.
- Anybody want chili? - Is it spicy? Take the chrome off a bumper with this stuff.
I'll eat it.
Extra onions.
How could you digest that stuff? I said I'd eat it.
I never said I'd digest it.
Harry, you want some? Oh, no, thanks.
I don't want to irritate my colon.
Gee.
Thanks for sharing.
- Al, you want some of this? - Oh, no, that stuff is way too spicy.
- Do you have any salt-free crackers? - Yeah, right here.
Just have Benny lick the salt off for you.
- Wilson, you want some? - Oh, no chili for me.
I just got my cholesterol results.
I wish my IQ was that high.
Wait a second.
It is.
We sound like a bunch of geezers.
There's a very good reason for that.
We are.
I'm reminded of the novelist Anthony Powell who said, "Getting old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you never committed.
" This is crazy.
Come on, we've got our whole lives ahead of us.
You think young you are young.
We're young, right? We're young.
That was pathetic.
Come on, say it.
We're young.
- We're young! - We're vital.
We're vital! We go out there and grab life by the yahoos! Yahoo! Yeah! Let's get this game going.
I want to be in bed by 10:00.
Ooh! That's it for the day, everybody.
Good job.
Clean up your stations.
I'll see you next time.
All right.
Wait, wait, wait.
Quick.
Pop quiz: - What's the coolest car of all time? - '72 Eldorado convertible.
- No.
- The '67 Mustang Fastback.
Interesting, but so wrong.
'66 Karmann Ghia.
Get some help, Grant.
Get some help.
'65 GTO with a 389 tri-power.
- Color? - Montero red.
Montero red! So close and yet so definitely wrong.
Palmetto blue.
Palmetto blue.
- Wait a minute.
Are we graded on this? - Just you, Heidi.
Billy.
It's Billy.
Tim, we're headed to Carmine's for pizza.
You want to come? Are you sure you want to be seen with your teacher? You're not like a teacher, Mr.
Taylor.
You're cool.
So, you cats dig me, huh? Up until that last sentence, we did.
You know, Grant, you're starting to remind me of me at your age.
Thanks.
It's not a good thing.
- Come on, we'll ride together.
- I don't know.
Shotgun! Wait.
So, the guy says to the bartender, "Who keeps saying all these nice things about me?" And the bartender says, "The peanuts.
They're complimentary.
" This is good.
Eight pieces of pizza, I'm still laughing.
It wasrt that funny in the car with the windows rolled up, was it? I'm still hungry.
You got anything to eat? - Fridge is there.
Help yourself.
- Is this your old lady? Yeah.
Although when you meet her, I might use some other term.
- She's a babe.
- Yeah, she is a babe.
If you think she's a honey, wait till you see the honey in the garage.
Hey, can I eat this? Looks like tuna casserole.
For your own safety, Grant, don't touch the casserole.
Put it down slowly, back away and don't make eye contact.
Whoa.
It's a '55 Nomad.
Fully restored.
And fully restored again after you dropped that beam on it.
- What do you got under the hood? - 395 horses.
Listen.
It sounds awesome.
But I bet it wouldn't beat my Firebird off the line.
- You don't think so? - Why don't we go find out? Oh, right.
You want to go drag race at 12:00 at night? All right.
Our first field trip! Oh! - Tim, what's going on? - Ahhh Hey, guys, this is my babe.
This is Grant, that's Brett, that's Billy.
Hi.
Can I talk to you for a second? - Sorry to bother you, Mrs.
Taylor.
- Oh, no, that's OK.
I was just, uh, you know sleeping.
What are you doing rewing up the engine at this hour? That was stupid.
That's why I'm taking it outside.
Now? Yeah, I'm gonna go out and do a little comparative driving.
- You're gonna go drag racing? - No! I'm not gonna take those kids drag racing.
We'll just cruise.
Wouldrt it be cool to take those kids off the line? Are you insane? You have to work tomorrow.
You should get some sleep.
I've got more energy than I've ever had, thanks to you.
- Me? - If you hadrt encouraged me, I wouldn't be with these guys having fun.
I'd be in bed with you.
Gotta go.
Who wants more breakfast chili? What's the difference between breakfast chili and dinner chili? Well, in this case, about a week.
How can you have so much energy after spending the night with a bunch of guys screwing around with cars? Well, I think you answered your own question, didn't you? Why would your students want to hang out with you? 'Cause they're sucking up.
You gotta be pretty desperate to suck up to an auto shop teacher.
Guys! Come on, you're gonna be late for school.
- Oh, we don't want that, now, do we? - No, we don't! Have a good day.
Bye.
Am I crazy or did I hear you come in at 2:00 in the morning? You're crazy.
It was closer to quarter to three.
Hey, do you have any plans next Tuesday night? No.
Why, what's up? We could invite some of the students and girlfriends for dinner.
- Tuesday night's your poker night.
- I'll skip it.
You've played poker every single Tuesday night for seven years.
It's getting to be a drag.
All those guys do is talk about bodily functions.
- You love bodily functions.
- But I'm a doer, not a talker.
Does everybody know what time it is? - Tool Time! - That's right.
Welcome to Tool Time on location, starring that man in the tub, rub-a-dub-dub, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
- Thank you, Heidi.
- You're welcome.
Welcome to Tool Time on location.
I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
And speaking of tubs, here's Al Borland.
Thank you, Tim.
We're gonna be doing a little repair work on the Burnett family bathroom.
To get the ball rolling we have our friend and master plumber, Felix Myman, who's going to show us how to get rid of a really nasty sink clog.
And they say there's nothing good on TV.
Felix, come on and join us.
- Hello, Tim, Al.
- How are you doing? Great to have you back.
Felix has more of his work on TV than any other plumber I know.
Years ago I had my own cable show.
Pipe Styles of the Rich and Famous.
Felix, from now on let me do the jokes, OK? - Well, why don't we plunge right in? - Al! All right, well Now, the first thing you want to do is determine the nature of your clog.
Well, my guess is, there's something foreign caught in the pipes.
You think? Foreign? You mean like a Volkswagen? Maybe Julio Iglesias? Maybe Stonehenge is in there.
I'm on the clock, Tim.
Every one of your jokes is costing you money.
Not to mention our viewers.
To clear a foreign object through the pipe I use a snake.
That's pretty old-fashioned stuff.
Hip, young guys are using compressed air to clear their clogs.
That's fine if you've got hip, young pipes, Tim.
But these old pipes, compressed air can damage old plumbing.
That's right.
A snake may be slower, but it's trusty and reliable.
"Trusty" and "reliable.
Are there two duller words in the English language? Wait a minute.
Yeah, there are.
Al, you don't have a middle name, do ya? Well, this clog won't budge.
I'm gonna need a snake with a retrieving auger.
Wait a minute.
Felix, come on.
Go with compressed air.
It's now.
It's "go with the flow, baby.
" If there was any flow, we wouldn't be here.
I'm gonna get my pipe snake.
While Felix gets the retrieving auger, why don't we take the time now to Not so fast, Al.
While he's gone Heidi, my master blaster, please.
- Here you are, Tim.
- Thank you, Heidi.
Uh we might want to remind our viewers that these are old pipes, and the master blaster blows compressed air at 1,400 psi.
Well, it used to.
Until I removed the regulator.
Now it goes to 3,000 psi.
Tim, that's an awful lot of pressure.
"The Tool Man" works great under pressure.
- What are you doing? - Clearing pipes with compressed air.
Don't burst my bubble.
That's not the only thing your bubble's gonna burst.
Oh! I worked on a sub in the Navy and I know that sound.
- What happens next? - I'm going AWOL.
Me, too.
I'm going down.
- Thanks, honey, for making this dinner.
- I wanted to.
I've never seen you so excited about dinner.
It'll be great.
For dessert we'll go to the garage.
I'll introduce us all to the hot rod.
The dinner party of my dreams.
- Hey, come on in.
- Hey, Tim.
This is Christy.
- That's Andi.
- Hi.
Good to see you.
This is my wife.
Everybody, this is Jill.
Hi.
It is so nice to meet you, Mrs.
Taylor.
- Oh, please, call me Jill.
- Oh, I love your house! It reminds me of my mom's.
This place is so retro.
I've been meaning to ask you, where did you find this great '80's furniture? In the '80's.
- Do you guys want sodas? - No, I brought brewskis.
- Yeah.
- Not me.
I'm driving.
Whoa! Party.
- Can I get you a glass? Paper towel? - No, thanks.
How's that carpet doing? Well, um We got hors d'oeuvres.
You want to wait for Billy and his girl? - They may not be coming.
- They didn't call or anything.
They were thinking of going to a club, said they'd play it by ear.
Jill planned the party for eight.
- She took a lot of work to do that.
- It's OK.
- There's more for the rest of us.
- Yeah! Great! - Yeah.
- Then again, maybe not.
This meal was delicious, Jill.
Oh, thanks.
Thanks.
Oh, my God.
The chickers all gone.
I'm sorry.
Did you want some? No, no! I'm just so surprised that anyone ate my chicken! It was nice of you guys to come by tonight.
- Yeah.
We know it's a school night.
- Oh, not for me.
We're playing hooky tomorrow because it's my birthday! Yeah, it's the big two-three.
Grant and I are gonna go and pick out a ring.
- Oh! Are you getting married? - No! Grant's buying me a nose ring! Nothing says "I love you" like a piece of steel right through the nostril.
I wanted to get a nose ring, but Brett here thinks it's gross.
- I'm with Brett.
- He wants me to get a navel ring.
Yeah, so it'll match mine.
Isn't it cute? Oh! Cool.
Matching "his" and "her" lint traps.
- Oh.
Can I use your phone? - Sure.
Yeah, yeah.
You know, Jill's in college now.
Yeah.
I went back for my Master's in psychology.
It was really hard to go back at my age, but I've always been fascinated by the complexity of the human mind.
- Keg party in Ypsilanti! - Whoo-hoo! Yeah! Billy said we should all drive up.
I can fit six in my truck.
I've got the camper.
If we leave now we can get there for the first round of Thumper.
- Whoo! - Hey, hello.
Hello.
What about dessert? Jill baked a real nice cake.
We can look at the hot rod.
What do you think? - We can do that some other time.
- Come on, Jill.
Let's party.
No, guys, I'm sorry.
But there's no way on Tuesday night at 10:00 that I could drive to Ypsilanti.
I've got classes and I've got to get three kids to school.
You? We can pull an all-nighter and get you back in the morning.
Hmm.
Let me think about it.
No! I've got a real busy day tomorrow.
I've got to go to Small Claims Court about a little bathroom issue.
If you don't want to go to Ypsilanti we don't have to go.
No, you guys go and have a good time.
I'll see you in class on Thursday.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Thanks.
- Bye.
- Mind if we take a piece of cake? - Please help yourself.
- Bye, thanks.
- Nice to meet you.
- Thanks a lot, OK? - Bye, Jill.
Yeah, OK.
Bye! - Drive carefully.
- Bye.
- Well, they seem very nice.
- Yeah.
Yeah, didn't they? If you like immature, irresponsible, rude people they're nice.
Honey, they're kids.
They were just acting like kids do.
We never acted like that in college.
Tim, do you remember anything about college? I remember there were a lot of stairs.
I'm sorry this evening didn't work out the way you expected.
I don't know what I expected.
I'm not 21 years old anymore.
I bet it was fun to pretend you were for a couple weeks.
Did you ever envision yourself in the future, married in the suburbs with three kids? No.
I figured I'd spend the rest of my life driving my van, listening to In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida on an 8-track.
I guess it's not so bad to be 40 instead of 20.
It feels good to be settled, have some roots, even though they're getting gray.
To have a job, some money in the bank.
That's good.
We don't have to worry about getting lucky on New Year's Eve.
We just have to worry about staying awake on New Year's Eve.
So, how was it, being married to a college kid for a couple of weeks? Well, the sex was a lot better.
No small thanks to the moves I learned from Mrs.
Hensley.
- Mrs.
Hensley? - She had a class in the university.
Our Bodies, Ourselves.
She's 75 and she can do some wacky things with the overhead projector.
I know that sound.
I worked in the Navy on a sub.
What happens next? AWOL.
We're going down.