Frasier s07e13 Episode Script

And we'll be right back after this short news break.
Frasier Hmm? I'm here to give you an advance tip.
Really? Hey, Gil.
Roz.
I'm about to review a divine new Italian trattoria I've discovered called Bella, Bella.
Uh-huh.
I'm alerting you now because once I review it, reservations will be impossible to come by.
Oh, well, thank you, Gil.
It's always gratifying to be a few minutes ahead of a trend.
They make an osso buco that's so divine I call it the veal shank redemption.
Hey, guys.
Oh, Kenny.
Show's going great, Frasier.
Only one thing missing, of course.
I know, I know.
A new theme song.
I'm sorry, I just haven't gotten around to it yet.
Mrs.
Delafield's been hounding me on this.
She really thinks each show having a theme song will help hook the listeners.
Gil's got his.
My first choice was "Food, Glorious Food" from the showOliver! Ooh, that's a perfect match.
Haute cuisine and a chorus of starving orphans.
But then, a composer friend of mine came up with this little ditty for me.
Whether choosing a wine Or the best place to dine It's all a matter of taste Yes, sir It's all a matter of taste Great, huh? And the nicest thing is he didn't take a penny for it.
Well, at least he has a conscience.
You know, Kenny, I'm sorry for procrastinating on this thing.
I tell you, I'll get one as soon as I possibly can.
Well, you better come up with something here.
I'm sorry to be a hard-ass-- it's the part of my job I hate the most-- but I need this thing on my desk, Monday-ish.
You know.
You know, Roz hearing Gil's little ditty puts me in mind that maybe we should just do an original song.
My new boyfriend, Leon, is in a band.
He could write one for you.
Actually, I was thinking of composing it myself.
I'm not without musical ability, you know.
Could you at least hire Leon to accompany you? I take it he's desperate for work.
Hasn't had a gig in months.
Music is all he knows.
He's not good at anything else-- except in bed.
That's what he does best.
Yes.
How long did it take you to find that out? Ten seconds, Frasier.
Oh, longer than usual.
Frasier.
Oh, Niles.
Oh, dear.
We had dinner plans tonight, didn't we? Yes.
Don't tell me you're canceling.
Well, I have to.
I have a little project this evening.
Oh.
Does this have to do with the new theme song you promised your listeners? As a matter of fact, it does.
I've got to have something by Monday, and I thought I'd take advantage of a nice, quiet evening at home.
(vacuum cleaner whirring) Oh Daphne! Daphne, would you please turn off that vacuum cleaner? It's not a vacuum cleaner.
It's the Dirt Scourge 2000, a total cleansing system.
Is it new? Yeah.
Got it this afternoon.
You see, this water traps all the dirt particles instead of recycling them back into the air.
I got all that just from Dr.
Crane's pillow.
Ew.
I've been begging you to switch to a more abrasive loofah.
No, it would be the same for anyone.
Dead skin, dust mites That's what we're all sleeping on only we don't know it.
We do now.
Jeez.
This is the chance I've been waiting for.
(vacuum cleaner whirring) (water bubbling) Well, apparently, the Dirt Scourge 2000 is no match for the dirt pile 1957.
Well, this is going back.
On the commercial, they clean all the mud off a hippopotamus.
Well, at least now I can get down to work.
You know, Niles, I'm sorry again about dinner, but can I buy you a sherry? Oh, thank you.
About this theme song of yours why don't you just use a standard? Actually, I want to compose one myself.
You see, I've always had an affinity for music and I've often wondered what I might achieve if I just rolled up my sleeves and gave it a try.
Didn't you write some kind of musical back in prep school? Yes, I did, Dad.
Niles was in it.
You know, the whole school came out humming my opening anthem.
They went in humming it.
It was Beethoven's Ninth Symphony note for note.
It was not.
It absolutely was.
It was not at all.
We are valiant men of honor Wrenching, brawling sons Well, all right, all right, all right.
Well, I suppose I may have borrowed a note or two as a launching pad.
Prancing, leaping, laughing All right, point taken.
Over hill and Stop it! I'm sorry I'm just teasing.
Actually, it was a wonderful show.
I was very proud to be acting in it.
And you know, Niles, you were wonderful in it as well.
Well, thank you.
I thought so.
I often thought if I'd kept at it, I could have been a professional actor.
Ah, you see? We all have a road not taken, some unfinished business worth exploring.
Yeah, I always wanted to be a toe dancer, but a bullet ended my dream.
Well, Frasier, if you need any help with this, I'm right here.
Thank you, Niles.
I'd rather handle the composing chores myself, but I could use a sounding board.
Fair enough.
Let's put our heads together.
Figuratively speaking, of course.
I saw what came out of your pillow.
(piano plays simple notes) I think this new bridge is the best thing you've written.
Really? Oh, absolutely.
Claustrophobia, nymphomania He will probe ya He'll explain t'ya It's brilliant.
You know, it does have a Cole Portery, Stephen Sondheimy flavor, doesn't it? Absolutely.
Yes.
Sondheimy would have killed to have written this.
(chuckles) You know what? I'm a little nervous.
It just may be a bit too conventional.
Perhaps instead of a regular bridge I could substitute it with a dramatic monologue spoken against a musical background.
I like it.
Of course, I would have to hire an actor.
Yes, I suppose you could squander a lot of money on some so-called professional.
Someone who doesn't know a thing about psychiatry.
Who doesn't understand the whole gestalt.
Well, maybe you could do it.
I think so.
(laughs) Oh, gosh, Niles.
I will write you a speech that will challenge your entire histrionic range.
This is so exciting.
Let's play the chorus again.
MARTIN: Hey, Fras.
I just got an idea for your little jingle.
Came to me while I was brushing my teeth.
What's new? I'm listenin' Feelin' blue? I'm listenin' 'Cause that's what you say on your show.
Feelin' sad, feelin' mad, feelin' glad Feelin' bad? I'm listenin'.
Bravo.
That's wonderful.
Well, thanks.
You know, it's catchy-- that's what counts in a jingle.
That's very, very nice, Dad.
It's just that, well, you know, I did promise my listeners that I'd compose this myself.
It's no fair cheating.
Well, it's not cheating technically.
Yes, very good, very good, Dad, but thank you Off you go.
Okay, all right.
Hey, um Frasier, are you sure you want to modulate here? That may just complicate things.
Perhaps.
You know, I'm just trying to make it interesting.
To my ear, there's still something lacking-- some tiny ingredient that's missing.
I'm not sure what.
(musicians tuning instruments) (tapping) All right, everyone.
Let's try this again.
We still have a few minutes before the choir gets here.
Well, finally, the choir has deigned to join us.
Sorry.
Our bus broke down.
We had to walk two miles to get here.
Ah, well, then I suppose we can dispense with the breathing exercises I was going to recommend.
Please, if you would? Off you go.
Frasier, did you mean to cut paragraph five of my monologue? Gosh, I might have, Niles.
I've just been so busy.
What was the gist? A lighthearted lampoon of mental health care abuse.
Ah.
Yes, I did.
I was afraid that some fussbudget might take offense at my jape about lobotomies.
Well, I suppose it's best to play it safe.
Although I did like the way you indicated manic depression with the slide whistle.
(chuckles) Do we really have to use so many musicians? For the sound I want, yes.
Whatever happened to the concept of "less is more"? Ah, but if less is more, then just think how much more more will be.
You may be seated.
Ladies and gentlemen, if I may have your attention, please.
I'd like to take a few minutes to explain my artistic vision.
Take as long as you want-- we're all on the clock.
Point well-taken.
Moving right along, then.
Frasier, I'm sorry we're late.
We got stuck in traffic.
Some stupid bus broke down.
This is Leon.
Ah.
Hello, Leon.
Hey, Dr.
Crane.
Lovely to meet you.
Listen, why don't you help yourself to the refreshment table there.
I've got to have a few words with Roz.
Roz, we've got a problem.
In scoring this, I had to eliminate the guitar part.
Well, put it back.
Well, I can't.
I'm afraid another instrument might make things sound cluttered.
Unless, of course, Leon can play the bagpipe.
Bagpipe? Yes.
Our show deals with the whole range of human emotion, from euphoria to despair, and nothing says despair so quickly as the skirl of a bagpipe.
Nothing says "turn off the radio" so quickly, either.
Isn't there something else he can play? Well, I yes.
Yes.
Actually, our triangle player called in with a touch of tinnitus.
Here we are.
Leon, I have some good news for you.
I had to eliminate the guitar part, but I'm promoting you to first triangle.
I-I've never played one of these.
It looks tricky.
I'll work with him.
Off you go.
Well, then, now, people, um, before we start, I was wondering, uh, are there any questions? Yes, Viola.
My name is Tiffany.
No, no, no.
I'm calling you by your instrument name so as to avoid confusion.
Oh, well, I have a question about measure 34.
Aha.
I thought you might.
Yes, you see, I've accelerated the tempo there in order to depict the yearning of the superego.
Very perceptive of you to spot that.
No, I meant, are these eighth notes or what? Yes, eighth notes.
Anyone else? Yes, Timpani? You just answered my question.
Not Tiffany.
Timpani.
What are we rehearsing this for? Are we going to record it? Yes.
We are waiting for the final go-ahead from my station manager, and then we will be recording it.
Yes.
Anyone else? Yes actor.
I'm just wondering how my monologue is going to be audible over all these instruments.
Oh, that's a good point, Niles.
You may be seated.
It is imperative that everyone play pianissimo during the spoken portions, very, very softly.
That applies particularly to brass and timpani.
Why me? To the drums, Tiffany.
Oh, Dad, Daphne! I'm so glad you came.
Well, after all, it is the world premiere of your theme song.
I don't have to search you two for any hidden recording devices, do I? The last thing I need is some bootleg CDs flooding the marketplace.
Boy, you really got everything here.
Oh, it's not a time for stinting, Dad.
I've got everything from the African rainstick to the Javanese tam-tam.
Are the tam-tams the long ones with the cream in the middle? Oh, Kenny! Kenny, I'm so glad you made it.
Listen, I think you're in for a bit of surprise.
Well, I got tell you, I don't surprise easily whoa.
Our little ensemble.
So many musicians.
All working on a weekend.
Oh, now, listen.
I realize we are a bit over budget I promise, I will pick up the difference myself.
All right, the time has come to unveil my magnum opus.
Just let me do a little fine-tuning on the opening fanfare.
Uh, brass, if you will, please.
In four, the first measure.
(playing fanfare) (fanfare ends) Well, you see, that's-that's fine as far as it goes, but this time I want you to do it with a bit more grandeur-- with some majesty and a soupcon of awe.
(playing fanfare exactly as before) There, you see? That's what good conducting can do, yes? All right, everyone, the time we've been waiting for is at hand.
And with a simple bow of thanks to the muse Calliope, let us begin.
And (trumpets playing fanfare) (orchestra playing) Whom can you turn to for prompt diagnosis? Of fetish or fantasy Sex or psychosis? No problem at all, let us handle your call CHOIR: On our show, on our show Bring us your traumas, your latent neurosis: Erectile dysfunction Bed-wetting narcosis There's no need for shame, you can use a false name On our show, on our show Who dares enter the dark labyrinth of the human mind? (high-pitched whine) What festering secrets are buried in the recesses of the subconscious? (chiming) Lurid images (ringing) Lewd desires (whistles) Guilty pleasures strange compulsions (squawks) The whole catalogue of human behavior from the aberrant to the monstrous lurks behind a locked door to which one man holds the key! (gong resounding) So if you are stymied to find a prognosis And ask yourself, just like Freud,"Himmel, vas los ist?" Stop scratching your head and let us cure it instead CHOIR: On our show, on our show Now here is the man to explain The tortured terrain of your brain The man who feels everyone's pain: Dr.
Crane! Dr.
Crane! Frasier Crane! (dings) Way to go, Leon! Well, Kenny, what's your reaction? Wow.
Takes your breath away, doesn't it? Wow.
I thought as much, and in anticipation of your approval, I had the forethought to order in a little bubbly.
Niles, if you would help me, please.
(laughing): You were wonderful! Thank you.
The trombone frightened me.
Wow.
That was sure something, wasn't it? I'll say.
Sort of like Gilbert and Sullivan-- only frightening.
A little jingle, that's all we wanted.
Ten seconds to start the show.
Maybe Frasier can cut this down.
He gives me harps and drums and people speaking German.
All we wanted was a simple little jingle.
Probably more like the one you came up with.
Tell him yours, Mr.
Crane.
No, no, no.
It was nothing.
I can't even remember how it goes.
Well, I do.
How are you? I'm listen It doesn't go likethat.
Well, then, you sing it, Mr.
Crane.
Well, all right.
But, you know, it's really nothing.
What's new? I'm listenin' Feelin' blue? I'm listenin' Feelin' sad, feelin' mad Feelin' bad, feelin' glad? I'm listenin'.
That's exactly the kind of thing we're looking for! You know, it sets the mood.
It-it says it all.
Did that just pop into you head? Hardly.
It was gut-wrenching, but, you know, it's nice to know that I made it look easy.
No, no, no.
I'm talking about your dad's little jingle.
Dad's? Yeah, yeah, yeah, he just sang it.
It's exactly the type of thing we need.
You know, simple, catchy.
You know, we ought to just use that one.
FRASIER: No, no, no.
Kenny, no.
No, if simple is what you wanted, you should've just said so.
I thought I did.
Obviously not.
Now that I know what you want, well, there's nothing easier.
Of course I can write simple.
I promise you, it'll be something far more memorable than what my dad came up with.
Well, I don't know.
I remember it.
What's new? I'm listenin' (choir joins in): Feel blue? I'm listenin' Feelin' sad, feelin' mad Feelin' bad, feelin' glad? I'm listenin'.
You're off the clock! (playing ornate, classical-sounding music) (speeding up) (playing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat") Hi, Fras.
How's it going? "Merrily, merrily.
" Well, now, it's getting kind of late.
Maybe you should call it a night, huh? Dad, you heard Kenny.
I have to come up with something as simple as yours by Monday.
By the way, thanks, once again for completely upstaging me today.
Oh, come on.
I'm sorry I stole your thunder, but it's not like I did it on purpose.
I know, I know.
I'm sorry.
It's just I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with this.
Well maybe you're just thinking too much.
You know, look at me-- I go to bathroom, I'm flossing my teeth and that song pops in my head.
Are you suggesting that I bring out a spool of floss? Well, it might not be a bad idea for a couple of reasons.
Frasier, why don't you just decide what you want to say and say it without a lot of big words and showing off.
You know, and the tune should be something simple, something you can whistle.
I tried whistling that thing you wrote today, and I got light-headed.
Of course it might've been that last doughnut.
I went back for one of those African rainsticks.
The truth is, Dad, I I'm not sure I can do simple.
Well, I don't know if you can't or if you just don't want to.
But some of the best things in the world are simple, Fras.
Just like that art gallery you took me to a couple months ago.
Do you remember? You were oohing and aahing over this painting of a big, red dot.
Yeah, Dad.
But there is a difference between simple and deceptively simple.
Well, all I'm saying is that it's fine to be smart, but you shouldn't have to be proving it all the time, that's all.
You know, just as an experiment, tell me what it is you're trying to say stripped down to nuts and bolts.
All right, um in my first stanza, I want to represent myself as the ombudsman between the conscious and subconscious minds of my listeners.
Ah.
Well, there you are.
There's the song right there.
All we need is a rhyme for "ombudsman," and we can go to bed.
I was playing around with "north woodsman.
" (laughing) Oh, Frasier Look, I'm going to tell you what your show's about: People have a problem, they're feeling low, they call you, you make them feel better.
Oh, for God's sake, Dad.
Well, that's it, that's it.
Why don't you just write about that? How would that sound exactly? If you've got a problem, if you're feeling low Looking for some answers Oh, gosh, now I'm stuck.
How will I ever find a rhyme for "low"? Okay, smart aleck.
I was just trying to help.
Well, thanks, Dad.
I'm sorry.
It's just not my thing.
Okay, well, I'm going to bed.
So, if you need any help tomorrow, all you got to do is ask.
Thanks, Dad.
(plays a note) If you've got a problem If you're feeling low Looking for some answers MARTIN: Things you need to know! FEMALE VOCALISTS: If you've got a problem If you're feeling low Looking for some answers Things you need know All you've got do is ask (tempo slows): All you've got to do is ask.
(triangle dings) Hey, baby, I hear the blues a'callin' Tossed salads and scrambled eggs Quite stylish And maybe I seem a bit confused Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged (laughing) But I don't know what to do With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs They're callin' again.
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
What is a boy to do? Good night, everybody!