Roseanne s07e13 Episode Script

[crash.]
Hey, honey.
What's goin' on? Well, me and my unborn daughter was just goin' in here to have a little puke party.
What are you doin' in here? Doin'? Oh, I thought I heard something.
Uh, probably a squirrel or a bird but he ran a away.
Or flew, depending on what it was.
Oh, you don't wanna know.
Come on, Dan.
The only thing I don't wanna know is what is in that green bag in the freezer.
Well, today, after I dropped off Darlene at the library, I ran into Ed Jorgensen and You know he sells firewood in the winter now? Anyhow I didn't see anything yet, but he told me that our new neighbors, they kinda like to run around naked.
And I just wanted to see if it was true, you know, so I could warn ya.
Good, God, what's the matter with you, thinkin' I don't wanna see the neighbors naked! [giggling.]
I thought you'd think I was perverted.
No, you watchin' alone is perverted, but us watchin' together, now that's a date.
Besides, this guy I saw the other day carried boxes in over there, he's the kind of guy you normally have to pay to see naked.
Oh, God, I-- I guess that might have been their grandson.
Or their great-great- great-grandson.
Oh, me.
I hope mine don't look like that when I get that old.
Yeah, I hope not too, Dan, because that's the wife.
Oh, my God, I cannot sit here and look at this anymore.
Me neither.
[laughter.]
What are you doing? [Dan.]
There's a commercial on.
I'm gettin' a beer.
Newsflash, Dan.
We don't have a TV in our bedroom.
No, but the neighbors got one in theirs.
By the time they left the room, I realized I hadn't had anything to drink in six hours.
I can't believe you're still sittin' there watching the Illinois Raisins.
It's not my fault.
They're retired.
They never go out.
Yeah, it's really sad how they have no life.
I can't stop lookin'.
It's like a train wreck.
A train wreck full of naked people.
[keys jingling.]
[Mark.]
Stupid keys.
Open up, you stupid door! Come on! [jostling door.]
Hey, hey.
[drunken slur.]
Oh, hey.
What's the matter, Mark? Did the guys at the garage convince you that it was New Year's Eve again? I'm not drunk, Roseanne.
Hey, you know, that's the first time I've ever called you that? Roseanne.
Rosie.
Roady-row-row-row.
You better get in here.
You're in no condition to be out there.
You better get in here and start cleanin' Dan's guns.
You know, maybe I could use some coffee.
Yeah.
Well, if you really wanna sober up, you should see what drinkin' did to our new neighbors.
So, you wanna tell me why you're drunk? I don't have to tell you anything 'cause you're not my friend.
All my real friends are down at the bar, like that fat guy, and, um the guy with the hat.
So, is, uh, Becky worried about me or Um, no, she's still out with David.
Darlene go with 'em? No, they went alone.
Great.
It's like the eighth night this week.
Sorry, Mark.
I don't care what those two do.
I don't give a damn about them.
Well, you better start caring, 'cause if we start tradin' spouses around here, you just might end up with me.
Would you like that? No! I can't do anything about it.
Yeah, you can.
Just tell her that you don't like it.
I'm afraid if I yell at her, she's just gonna hate me.
She's not gonna hate you, Mark.
She loves you in a way that makes our entire family think less of her.
Look, I'll handle this my own way.
But thanks for tryin' to help me.
Hey, you know somethin'? [chair scraping floor.]
You're all right.
Well, gee, thanks, Mark.
You know, I didn't get much approval from my parents, but hearin' it from my drunk son-in-law is just as good.
Look, I know I'm a big pain in the butt, but I'll tell you what.
I'll give you a free one.
Go ahead, hit me.
Hard as you can.
I knew it.
You can't do it, can you? Yeah, I can.
I'm just goin' to get a bat.
Hey, come on! Big 'ol greasy bucket of chicken! Last one in lives to a ripe old age! Get that stuff away from me.
Just thinking about those people next door has given the term "chicken skin" a whole new meaning.
What are they doin' now? Playing air hockey.
[laughs.]
Oh, God.
As if hockey wasn't an ugly enough sport.
Hello.
Hey, guys, brought the beer.
Well, before we eat, I'm gonna run to the bathroom.
I gotta wash my hands and burn out my corneas with Drano.
What's the matter with him? Oh, he's just really, really into, uh, watching our new neighbors.
They have a new Buick.
Oh, yeah, and they walk around naked all the time.
I can't believe that Dan would do that.
What? It's no big deal.
You approve? You're not lookin' too, are you? Well, yeah, but not as much as Dan.
I'm not sick.
Do your new neighbors know that you're watching 'em.
No, we stand completely still because if they see us, you know, they might change their behavior.
We got that from Wild Kingdom.
Good God, Roseanne.
You want a cheap thrill, go rent a porno movie.
At least those people want to be watched.
Yeah, but they ain't, like, 112 years old.
That's no excuse.
If anything, it makes it more wrong, more sad, and more sick.
[snickers.]
They're really old? Oh, yeah! I'm sure they'll never forget where they were the day Lincoln was shot.
They're completely naked? All the time? Sometimes he wears a hat.
[giggles.]
I gotta look.
Jackie! Don't do it, Jackie.
The Coronellis can be quite a monkey on your back.
Outta my way, Dan.
They gotta be stopped.
It's not the neighbors' problem, Dan.
They got a right to do whatever they wanna do in their own house.
That's right, Dan.
Our forefathers died so the Coronellis could play naked air hockey.
But you don't have a right to watch them.
Watching's wrong.
Wrong, Fred? Wrong is when bad things happen to good people.
And you wanna know why bad things happen to good people? Because God is too busy watching the Coronellis.
Fine, if you say there's nothing wrong with it, then let's just forget it.
Hey, Mom, I know what I want for my birthday.
Good.
Keep it a secret so I'll be surprised.
I want an air hockey game.
Oh, this is bad.
I know.
You know, this could wreck D.
J.
's whole sex life.
I mean, at the very least, he'll hate old people.
And at the very worst he'll really, really like 'em.
Hey.
What do you want? You never come down here.
Well, this time I wanted to.
No, Mark, that wasn't an observation, that was an order.
You, never come down here.
I just wanted to ask you about something.
So, uh how are you and David getting along these days? Great.
We find that nothing enhances romance like breaking up and sleeping with other people.
Yeah, you know, I don't think he was real serious about that Dinah girl he was seeing.
You could probably get him back.
Oh, do you think so? Every night I kneel at the foot of my bed and I pray that we'll get back together and then I make my new boyfriend get out of bed and pray with me.
I just think you guys are really good for each other.
Mark, stop it.
David made you come down here, didn't he? No.
He doesn't even know I came down.
Just get out.
Look, I don't care what the hell happens between you two.
I just want David to stay away from my wife.
[chuckles.]
Wake up, Mark.
I mean David's just trying to make me jealous.
He doesn't want Becky anymore than my parents did.
It isn't just for you.
This has been going on way before you came home.
What? Yeah, they've been spending tons of time together.
Becky hardly even talks to me anymore.
I don't believe it.
She thinks David's Mr.
Sensitive.
So what am I? Mr.
uh opposite of that? Get outta my way.
What are you doing getting involved with David, Becky? You're a married woman.
Since when did you care about my marriage? Since you decided to trade Moe in for Curly.
You're just jealous.
No, I am not jealous.
Hey.
Mind if I watch TV? Are you doing this because of some sick competition thing between you and me? I mean, is that what this is about? That is ridiculous.
David and I hang out together because we like talking to each other.
Yeah, I'm sure you find it a lot easier to talk with your skirt over your head.
You know, I think I watch too much TV.
Hold it.
What are you doing with her? Not that I'm necessarily against necrophilia, but I think it's illegal.
There's nothing going on between us.
She's my brother's wife, for cryin' out loud.
The man stuck a fork in my hand when I tried to take his dessert.
Well, if it's not a sex thing, then what is it? I mean, I ran out of things to talk to her about when I was, like, two.
Ignore her, David.
She's just jealous 'cause we have a relationship where we like and respect each other.
Not like the one you had with David.
What's that supposed to mean? I was closer to David than you could ever be.
[chuckles.]
Yeah.
Okay, Darlene.
Oh, don't give me that.
I mean, what could the two you possibly have in common? Well we both live with you, and you treated us both like crap.
I did not.
I mean, maybe I treated you like crap, but Well, have you ever spent any time with you? Oh, that's right.
You treated David with lots of respect.
I did.
Tell her.
You may speak.
Come on, David, now's your chance.
You said you weren't gonna take any more of her abuse.
Abuse? David, what have you been telling her? I can see I'm just in the way here.
Come on, David.
Tell her how horrible it was.
Stand up for yourself.
You don't agree with her, do you? David? Shut up.
Do you? Darlene Come on.
Tell her she's wrong, David.
I can't.
What? I'm sorry.
At the time, I thought it was great.
But now But now what? I just don't think we ever really connected.
God, David, I mean I was closer to you than anybody I've ever been with in my whole life.
I'm sorry.
Face it, Darlene.
You just can't get close to anybody.
Oh, go to hell, both of you.
You're serving the neighbors sliced Twinkies.
You don't think it's too pretentious, do you? You know what? I don't think this is such a good idea.
We should have just sent them an anonymous note.
Oh, yeah, right.
"We're sorry, but our bedroom looks right into yours.
" Signed "anonymous.
" [doorbell rings.]
Jeez, Roseanne, I was taught to respect my elders.
I don't think I can do this.
Oh, it's no big deal, Dan.
If you get nervous, just try picturing them naked.
Hi.
We're the Coronellis.
Hi.
I'm Dan Connor.
This is my wife Roseanne.
Nice to meet you.
I'm Skip and this is Irene.
Here, I baked you a little something.
Thank you.
Gee, I hate to think of you standing over a hot stove.
Come on in! Sit down! Boy, we were so glad when you moved in.
'Cause, you know, nowadays, when new people move in, you get so nervous, what with oh, all the drug problems and things like that, you know? It seems like everywhere you look nowadays all you see is crack.
This might be a good time to bring up something.
What a beautiful family! Skip, Roseanne was talking! Oh, I'm sorry.
He loves young people.
He taught high school for 40 years.
And Irene was our school nurse.
Except for those three years when she looked after our boys in Korea.
Oh, but I'm sorry.
You were going to say something.
Oh, yeah.
Well, I, uh Um, I was wonder what you guys do all day besideshang out.
Come on, Roseanne, I thought you had something else you wanted to ask them.
Yeah, I was wondering where are you guys from? I'm guessing it's some place really warm.
We're from Elgin.
You really have a lovely home.
Well, thank you very much.
Uh, I could give you a tour.
Yeah, um this is the kitchen.
You know, no big deal.
Just--just a kitchen.
The hallway.
We should go in the bedroom there because at night you get a really good view of the stars there.
Usually, around now, we have a lovely view of Uranus.
Yeah, this is our bedroom.
We named it after our bed.
And, hey, there's our window.
You know what, Skip and Irene? I'll bet you can see right into our bedroom from over there.
Oh, no.
We're terribly nearsighted.
Oh, well, Dan's got perfect eyesight.
He don't even need those binoculars he's got sitting there.
You know what your house could use? A hedge.
Not every house can hold a hedge, but yours sure could.
No.
We like an open yard.
It's more neighborly.
Uh hold it.
See, the thing of it is is, um Dan? I don't know what "the thing of it is" honey.
You sure as hell seemed to have a handle on "the thing of it" earlier.
Okay, well, I don't exactly know how tosay this.
We can see you naked.
That is one time we were looking out the window, and we happened to notice-- through no fault of your own-- you weren't wearing any clothes.
That's all right.
We rarely wear clothes around the house.
That's right, dear.
We believe the human body in its natural state is beautiful.
God, are they nearsighted.
Uh, look, it's not that we think anything is wrong with nudity.
As a matter of fact, me and Mr.
Connor used to have sex that way.
Well, we figure if people don't want to see us, they just won't look.
You don't understand.
It's not that we want to look We can't help it.
You can't help it? Well, we don't want to offend you or anything.
It's just that we think the sight of you might be wrecking our son.
Oh, really? And how's that? Well uh, no offense, you know.
Uh but look at you.
Well, no offense, but look at you and you have clothes on! It isn't our nudity, it's our age, isn't it? Perhaps if we were younger and more attractive, we wouldn't be having this talk.
Well, yeah, probably not for a couple more weeks.
I feel sorry for you people.
Nudity is our chosen lifestyle.
But you can't help yourselves.
You're compulsive, sick perverts.
Well, it's not that easy not to look.
Well, I certainly think we could manage.
Oh, yeah? What color are my eyes? Oh, my God! Come on, dear.
We're going to plant that hedge, believe me.
And we'll tell all your neighbors just what kind of people you are! Well, it's too late.
They already know.
You know, honey, we really must entertain more often.
That was fun.
Hey, Mark where's Mom and Dad? I gotta get to the bus station Are you leaving? No, I just gotta get down there and meet my pimp.
If I don't get going, he'll smack me around.
Your parents are gone.
Great.
I'm walkin'.
I gotta get out of here.
What, you got a suitcase? No, Mark, I wear the same outfit every day.
Then when it gets dirty, I jump into the river fully clothed and beat myself against a rock.
Look, it's a 5-minute drive.
I can take you down there.
That'd be great, but you gotta turn twice to get there.
How would you find your way back? Just forget I offered, all right? I've had enough of your crap.
I'm sorry, Mark.
Look, it hasn't been the best week for me either, all right? I really am sorry.
Just get your stuff.
You're bummed out about this whole Becky thing, right? I mean, there's still a chance you guys could work it out.
Yeah, right.
Like you really care.
I'm trying to be nice here, Mark, you know? It would really be helpful if you didn't speak.
What, you're trying to be nice to me? Man, I must seem really pathetic.
No, I just think that there's gotta be some hope for your marriage if it means this much to you.
I mean, you cared enough to come down to my room and talk to me.
Apparently, that isn't the easiest thing for anybody to do.
It really didn't help.
Well, maybe that's because you opened up to me and not to Becky.
So you think if I make myself more open to talk to, Becky will come to me instead of David? Yeah.
Well how do I do that? [scoffs.]
Hell if I know.
Hey, Darlene Yeah.
You knowthanks.
[chuckles.]
You know, you're really not that bad a guy, Mark.
Wait a minute.
Are you trying to get back at Becky by coming on to me? What? Look, just so you know, no way am I being part of your sick game.