Seinfeld s07e13 Episode Script

I love it when people are complimented on their clothes.
And they accept the compliment as if it was about them.
Nice tie.
Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.
The compliment is for the tie.
It's not for you.
But we take it.
And that's the job of clothes.
To get compliments for us.
Because it's very hard to get compliments based on your human qualities.
Right? Let's face it.
No matter how nice you are, nobody is gonna say: "Hey, nice person.
" It's much easier to be a bastard and just try and match the colours up.
Oh, look at this.
Boy.
Oh, I miss the days when they made toys that could kill a kid.
Oh, cool.
Look at that.
Yeah, I'm right there with you.
That is a Schwinn Sting-Ray.
And it's the girls' model.
Oh, I always wanted one of these when I was little.
What do you think, Jerry? Jerry.
What do you think? Oh, yeah, it would be great for your paper route.
I love it.
I'm getting it.
Can you help me get it down, Jerr? Jerry.
- Your friend needs some help.
- The only way to really help her is to just let her be.
Hey.
- A little baby girl? - Doctor says it could be any day now.
So, Carrie, you and Susan are cousins.
So your baby daughter is gonna be Susan's second cousin, right? - So, what does that make me? - It doesn't make you anything.
Well, so, legally, I could marry your daughter.
So have you picked out a name yet? Well, we've narrowed it down to a few.
We like Kimberly.
Oh, boy.
You don't like Kimberly? - What else you got? - How about Joan? - Come on, I'm eating here.
- George.
- Pamela? - Pamela? All right.
I'll tell you what.
You look like nice people.
I'm gonna help you out.
You want a beautiful name? Soda.
- What? - Soda.
S-O-D-A.
Soda.
I don't know.
It sounds a little strange.
All names sound strange the first time you hear them.
Are you telling me people loved the name Blanche the first time they heard it? - Yeah, but Soda? - Yeah, that's right.
- It's working.
- We'll put it on the list.
I solve problems.
That's just what I do.
Yeah, let's look at that boy.
That's good.
You're going to town with that turkey.
Oh, yeah.
I got a big appetite.
Oh, Jerry.
You got no mustard.
- It's on the door.
- What, this yellow stuff? No, I said, mustard, Jerry.
Dijon.
I still wanna do it.
No.
That's bush league.
No.
Hey, wait.
You're just gonna leave it there? - It's half a pound of turkey.
- I can't eat that.
You can't eat a sandwich without Dijon.
Yeah, you're right.
I really should keep more of your favourites on hand.
Hey, hey, hey.
I'm getting a vibe here.
What, are you unhappy with our arrangement? What arrangement? I was under the impression that I could take anything I wanted from your fridge.
You take whatever from mine.
Let me know when you get something in there, and I will.
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
Hey.
What's with your neck? It's still killing me from having to get that bike off the wall by myself.
Well, if it's any consolation, I did get her number.
I think I really strained it.
Oh, I doubt you strained it.
Maybe you pulled it.
- Maybe.
- Did you twist it? - You could have twisted it? - I don't know.
Did you wrench it? Did you jam it? - Maybe you squeezed it and turned it? - Why don't you just shut the hell up.
- All right.
God, man, this is killing me.
I would give that bike to the person who could make this pain go away.
- You're really hurting, huh? - Oh, Kramer, it's just awful.
Well, you're arterioles have constricted.
All right, lean forward.
Relax.
- What? What? - Encounter shiatsu.
Wait a minute.
You know what you're doing? Oh, yeah.
A wise man once taught me the healing power of the body's natural pressure points.
He sells T-shirts near the World Trade Center.
He's a genius.
Here we go.
Here we go.
All right, from pain will come pleasure.
Voila.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
Wow, that is unbelievable.
That pain is totally gone.
What's even more amazing is his formal training is in paediatrics.
All right.
My work is done here.
Oh, man.
Kramer, thank you.
- You can send that bike over any time.
- What? - What is he talking about? - I don't know.
You said you'd give the bike to whoever fixes your neck.
- You really think he wants the bike? - Oh, yeah.
But it took him like 10 seconds.
Well, that's the most he's worked in the last four months.
- I think they really went for that Soda.
- What are you, crazy? They hated it.
They were just humouring you.
All right.
Very good.
Believe me.
- That kid's going to be called Soda.
- I can tell you I would never name my child Soda.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, of course not.
I got a great name for our kids, a real original.
You wanna hear what it is? Are you ready? Yeah.
- What is that, sign language? - No.
Seven.
Seven Costanza.
You're serious? Yeah, it's a beautiful name for a boy or a girl.
- Especially a girl.
Or a boy.
- I don't think so.
- What, you don't like the name? - It's not a name.
It's a number.
I know.
It's Mickey Mantle's number.
So not only is it an all-around beautiful name it is also a living tribute.
- It's awful.
I hate it.
- Well, that's the name.
- Oh, no it is not.
No child of mine is ever going to be named Seven.
All right.
Let's just stay calm here.
Don't get all crazy on me.
Seven? Yeah, I guess I could see it.
Seven.
Seven periods of school.
Seven beatings a day.
Roughly seven stitches a beating, and, eventually, seven years to life.
You're doing that child quite a service.
Yes, I am.
I defy you to come up with a better name than Seven.
All right.
Let's see.
How about Mug? Mug Costanza.
That's original.
- Ketchup.
Pretty name for a girl.
- Right.
You having a good time? I got 50 right here in the cupboard.
How about Bisquick? Pimento? Gherkin? Sauce? - Maxwell House? - All right, already.
This is a very key issue with me, Jerry.
I had this name for a long time.
Oh, I forgot to call Christie.
That's the one you met in the store? She had this great black and white dress with a scoop neck.
She looked like some kind of superhero.
And you met her in an antique store.
I don't know how you do it.
I'm not engaged.
- I got it.
- Got what? I got the answer, Jerry.
Refrigerator problem is solved.
Oh, it's no problem.
You can take whatever you want.
I will.
But now I'm accountable.
All right, I take what I want.
Here.
And I write it down.
One cupcake.
And then I put it in the bowl.
There.
Very simple.
- Sort of a mooching inventory.
- No, not mooching.
Because at the end of the week you add them.
- And you give me the bill.
- All right.
Look, I gotta run some errands.
When Elaine comes by with that bike, hang on to it for me.
Kramer, I don't know if you're getting that bike.
Oh, yes, I am.
We had a verbal contract.
If we can't take each other at our word, all is lost.
Oh, yeah, yeah, put that on my tab.
Well, this is it.
The food is atrocious.
But the busboys are the best in the city.
- May I take your coat, miss? - Yes, thank you.
- The same outfit? - The exact same outfit.
- How many days between encounters? - Three.
Three days.
Well, maybe you caught her on the cusp of a new wash cycle.
You know, she did laundry the day after she met you.
Everything got clean.
She started all over again.
Possibly.
But then shouldn't the outfit only reappear at the end of the cycle? Maybe she moved it up in the rotation.
Why? It's our first date.
She's already in reruns.
- Very curious.
- Indeed.
Einstein wore the exact same outfit every day.
Well, if she splits the atom, I'll let it slide.
- All right.
I'm heading home.
- Did Susan change her mind about the name? - Not yet, but she's weakening.
Just because your life is destroyed don't destroy someone else's.
It's Mickey Mantle, Jerry.
My idol.
- How about Mickey? - Mickey? Mickey - Is this your half a can of soda? - Nope, that's yours.
My half is gone.
- What? - Yeah.
I put my half a can here in the tab.
- Why? What's your beef? - You cannot buy half a can of soda.
- Well, why not? - I don't wanna get into the physics of it.
But you know the sound a can makes when you open it? - Yeah.
- That is the sound of you buying a whole can.
And the same goes for this.
Okay? When you pierce the skin of a piece of fruit, you've bought the whole fruit.
Not a third of an apple.
Not a half of a banana.
- All right.
- You bite it, you bought it.
All right.
I'll make the necessary adjustments.
- All right.
- Thank you.
Oh, so how's the neck? Nice and loose? Lookit, Kramer, you are not getting this bike.
I don't even know why you want it.
I mean, it's a girls' bike.
It's a verbal contract.
We had a deal.
No, we didn't.
You take these things too literally.
It's like saying you're hungry enough to eat horse.
Well my friend Jay Riemenschneider eats horse all the time.
He gets it from his butcher.
This is not the point.
The point is, you just can't have the bike.
Boy, I am really surprised at you.
You are the last person I figured would do something like this.
I mean, George, yeah, I can see that.
Even Jerry.
But not you, Elaine.
I always put you up here.
They're over here.
Now you're all: - All right.
- Yeah.
Come on.
It's a fantastic name.
It's a real original.
Nobody else is gonna have it.
And I absolutely love it.
Well, I don't know how original it's gonna be.
- Why not? - Well, I was telling Carrie about our argument.
And when I told them the name, they just loved it.
- So, what are you saying? - They're naming their baby Seven.
What? They're stealing the name? That's my name.
I made it up.
I can't believe they're using it.
Now, it's not gonna be original.
It's gonna lose all its cachet.
I don't know how much cachet it had to begin with.
Oh, it's got cachet, baby.
It's got cachet up the ying-yang.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Kramer.
Watch your step.
Oh, stupid Kramer.
Excuse me, Elaine.
Over here.
I thought that was you.
You're Jerry's friend.
Yeah.
Yeah.
- Christie? - Yes, how you doing? I'm fine.
Well, I gotta run.
It was good to see you.
Okay.
It was good to Good to see you.
- Looking good.
- Hey, Cosmo.
- Nice wheels.
- You got that right.
- Hey, you're riding a girls' bike.
- Kramer.
Kramer.
- Hello.
- Hello, Ken.
It's George Costanza.
I think we need to talk.
Kramer.
- Kramer! - Hey.
God.
Is Kramer back from his little joyride yet? - Haven't seen him.
How's the neck? - His chiropractic job was a crock.
I mean, it's even worse than it was before.
I'd think Kramer would have a knack for moving a person's spine around.
Hey, you know what? I think I ran into that girl from the antique store.
- What's her name, Christie? - You saw her? What was she wearing? I don't know.
I couldn't see.
I couldn't look down because of my neck.
- Didn't you get a glimpse? - An impression? - What do you care? Both times I've seen her, she's worn the same dress.
- Did you have a nice ride? - Oh, great ride.
Oh, that's good, because it was your last.
What are you talking about? We had a deal.
You gotta give me back that bike.
Look at this! Look! I couldn't even crawl out of bed this morning.
Bed? You should be sleeping on a wooden board for at least a week.
- What? You never told me that.
- Well, it's common sense.
What is he talking about? He's being ridiculous.
Look, Jerry, you know the whole story.
- You should settle this.
- Yeah.
I'm flattered you'd appeal to my wisdom.
But, unfortunately, my friendship to each of you precludes my getting involved.
What you need is an impartial mediator.
Yeah, I'd go for that.
Would you go for that? All right, I'm down.
It would have to be someone who hasn't heard the story.
Someone who is unencumbered by any emotional attachment.
Someone whose heart is so dark it cannot be swayed by pity, emotion or human compassion of any kind.
So that's the situation.
You present an interesting dilemma.
Each of you seemingly has a legitimate claim to the bicycle.
And yet the bicycle can have only one rightful owner.
Quite the conundrum.
As a federal employee, I believe the law is all we have.
It's all that separates us from the savages who don't deserve the privilege of mail.
Stuffing parcels in mailboxes, where they don't belong.
Newman! But you must promise that you will abide by my decision no matter how unjust it may seem to either of you.
Do I have your word? - All right, yeah.
- Yeah.
All right.
Let's begin.
My cocoa.
Why can't we use Seven? It's my name.
I made it up.
You can't just steal it.
Well, it's not as if Susan's pregnant.
You already postponed the wedding.
Who knows if you'll get married.
Hey, hey, don't worry about me.
I'm not a waffler.
I don't waffle.
Look, we're both big Mickey Mantle fans.
And we love the name.
It's very unusual.
What happened to Soda? I thought we all agreed on Soda.
- We don't care for Soda.
- You don't care for Soda? No, no.
We don't like Soda at all.
How do you not like Soda? It's bubbly.
It's refreshing.
- What is it? - I felt something.
- Are you okay? - I'm going into labour.
Oh, God.
Okay, let's not panic.
Let's just get to the hospital.
- Okay.
- I got the suitcase packed right here.
- Let's go.
- What about Six? Nine? Thirteen? Thirteen is no good.
Fourteen.
Fourteen.
Are you okay, Jerry? You seem quiet.
No, I'm just a little worn-out.
- I know exactly what you mean.
- Oh, I'm sure you do.
What in God's name is going on here? Is she wearing the same thing over and over again? Or does she have a closet full of these lik e Superman? I've got to unlock this mystery.
Oh, my God.
I can't go to the movies like this.
Do you mind if we go back to my apartment so I can change? Change? Yes, I think that's a super idea.
- Are we almost there? - Just keep breathing, okay? - Okay, okay.
- Okay.
You know, the thing is, I kind of promised the widow Mantle that I would name my baby Seven.
Now's not the best time, George.
It's just that I know her.
And, boy George, she's in labour.
So am I.
Well, you both presented very convincing arguments.
On the one hand, Elaine your promise was given in haste.
But was it not still a promise? And, Kramer, you did provide a service in exchange for compensation.
But does the fee, once paid, not entitle the buyer to some assurance of reliability? These were not easy questions to answer.
Not for any man.
But I have made a decision.
We will cut the bike down the middle and give half to each of you.
What? This is your solution? To ruin the bike? All right.
Fine, fine.
Go ahead.
- Cut the stupid thing in half.
- No, no, no.
Give it to her.
I'd rather it belong to another than see it destroyed.
Newman, give it to her.
I beg you.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Not so fast, Elaine.
Only the bike's true owner would rather give it away than see it come to harm.
- Kramer, the bike is yours.
- What? Sweet justice.
Newman, you are wise.
But this isn't fair.
Lookit, my neck is still hurting me.
And now you have the bike? Well, tell it to the judge, honey.
I'm going for a ride.
Here we are.
So this is the fortress of solitude.
Well, I guess I'll go change.
Yes, change.
By all means, change.
August 17 th, 1992.
The same dress.
She never changes.
Oh, my God.
She's gotta have hundreds of these dresses.
There must be a secret stash around here somewhere.
- Are you looking for something? - I thought you were changing.
You know, maybe we should just call it a night.
No, no, no.
Come on.
Put something else on.
It's early.
Let's go out.
I think I'm just gonna go to bed.
You know, I'm kind of tired myself.
I'll just sleep here on the couch.
In the morning, we'll walk out together.
Both dressed, different clothes.
I'll be in the same clothes.
You'll be in different clothes, as it's your place.
We'll go down.
Me in my same clothes, you in different clothes.
Jerry, I don't think so.
- Wanna throw something on, walk me to a cab? - Get out.
Tell me what you're wearing tomorrow.
I'll help you lay it out on the bed.
- Okay, breathe, honey.
Breathe.
- You're really being very selfish.
Be nice if you'd think of someone other than yourself.
- I'm having a baby.
- You're not getting Seven.
- Now, get out of here.
- Please, I have so little.
- I'm sorry, sir.
Family only.
- I'm family.
I'm having sex with the cousin.
Seven! Seven! Hello, Christie.
I was wondering if we could get together again.
Oh, really? You can't break up with me over the phone.
You gotta do this in person.
It doesn't have to be one-on-one.
Bring a group of friends.
I just wanna see you.
Don't hang up on me.
Why do you always wear the same dress? Hello? Jerry, if you're gonna be snacking on these you can't expect me to pay for the whole box.
All right, Hobo Joe.
I didn't wanna put a damper on your smorgasbord.
But it's the end of the week, so I added up your tab.
I know, pretty steep.
Well, I don't have this kind of cash.
- Few do.
- I'm good for it.
Yeah, well, until this bill is paid, the food court is closed.
Closed? All right.
I'll get that money for you in five minutes.
And don't eat any more.
Hey, that's my bike.
- Gangway.
- This is my bike.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
I bought it from Kramer.
He was hard up for cash.
Fifty bucks.
Can you believe it? I had to make some minor modifications.
Solid tires, reinforced seat post heavy-duty shocks.
But, baby, this is one sweet ride.
No, you gotta give me back that bike.
Newman, give it.
Elaine, Elaine.
Help me.
Help me.
Help.
Help.
Help.