Married with Children s07e14 Episode Script

It is 5 a.
m.
And the morning sun is peeking through the pines of Lake Chunky.
But it is no ordinary morning.
The fish must face more than just the sun today.
The fish must face AI Bundy bass master.
Here it comes.
I shall now cast.
Sorry there, boy.
As Al lays his worm upon the waters a mighty hush falls over the woodland.
What creature would dare disturb him? - Hi, honey.
- The loon, of course.
Al, are you going fishing? Fishing? What makes you think that? Oh, and, Peg, by the way And this is a totally unrelated topic.
- If you're looking for me next week, I won't be around.
I'll be at work.
Work? Lt's a five-day, 24-hour, daylight-moonlight-daylight moonlight-daylight-moonlight madness sale.
Well, then they did go to the right man for the job.
Who but you could go daylight- moonlight-daylight-moonlight daylight-moonlight without showering or changing his clothes? Hey, the shoe game ain't for sissy boys, baby.
Anyhow, in case you were gonna call, which you never do but which I know you would just this once all wives are strictly prohibited from calling or coming anywhere near the shoe store for the entire duration of the sale.
Naturally, this has us shoe guys up in arms, especially me.
Because, Peg, Lord knows, you is my inspiration.
Al, wait a second, honey.
You just had a hair on your head.
Don't worry, I got it.
So now tell me where you're really going.
You're not tough enough to force it out of me.
I'm going on vacation.
Good boy.
Now, where are we going? Well, with any luck, to an early grave.
But right now, I am going to my boss's mountain cabin.
To fish and drink, and drink and fish.
And sometimes even fish and drink, and drink and fish.
For one week, I am going to pretend that I'm actually alive.
Oh, look, Peg, it's the paperboy.
Out of the way, shoe yeti.
Oh, Peggy, you'll never guess what Jefferson did.
Misunderstood your cries of "pluck me" to the butcher? But clearly, your cries of "pluck me" to the barber did not go unanswered.
Marcie, have the nerve to face me when you're speaking to me.
You are.
Hey, we gotta get you a sign says "front" and "back.
" Then we should get you one for your pants, eh? Listen to this.
Even though Jefferson has a job he is still charging his lunches on my credit card.
And you should see the size of the tips he leaves the waitresses.
You know what he said when I called him on it? "Hey, babe, I'm good-looking.
" That's his answer to everything.
What's his answer to cries of: "Hey, there, where you going with that little boy?" Go pick your heinie.
Women are talking.
Anyhow, I refuse to spend another minute alone with Jefferson.
I don't even wanna be in the same house with him.
Then I think I have the perfect solution.
Peg, if this is what I'm thinking I shall have to unleash my veto power.
You see, Al and I are going on vacation Veto, I say.
Veto.
Veto.
Veto.
Oh, stop pouting, Al.
If I don't see a smile, I will forbid you to come with us.
- That's better.
Now, come on.
- You didn't forget anything, did you? Nothing that matters.
What's going on? Cheese it, the kids.
- Vacation.
- Vacation.
Curse you! I curse you to your worst nightmare: An eternity of being together.
And you can't leave the bedroom.
And Grandma's there.
- And she's out of Depends! - Bud.
What? Mom and Dad just left us alone.
Alone, with no parental supervision.
And stay out.
Yes.
Finally alone.
Free.
Free to run amuck.
Oh, the hooters I'll be a-juggling.
Yeah, well, just don't hurt your hand on the staples.
But don't worry, end-of-the-rainbow, you can do anything you want.
I mean, we haven't been left entirely alone since we were in diapers.
Bud, we're free, with no responsibility to anyone but ourselves.
Hey, guys, what's for breakfast? Curse you! Curse your mangy hides and the horses you rode in on! Look what they did to us.
They left us with this little walking booger.
I'm hungry.
Well, Kelly's stupid.
Nobody's helping her.
Yeah.
And believe me, my mind was a terrible thing to taste.
What if they didn't leave us any food or anything? Come on, Kel.
I know Mom and Dad aren't way up there on the evolutionary scale, but even dung beetles wouldn't go on vacation without providing for their young.
See? Who wants some baking soda on a cracker? That's not a cracker.
It's a cockroach.
It's coming right at me! To tell you the truth, I'm not sure which was moving which.
Feed me, or I'm gonna be really annoying.
What are we gonna do, Kel? The parakeet trick.
It's what Mom used to use on you when you got hungry during her soaps.
- What is it? - Well, when a parakeet makes noise you throw a blanket over its cage so they think it's night.
They go to sleep.
Come on, Kel.
Now, that can't possibly work.
Food.
Food.
Food.
Well, it's gonna be a week.
Maybe we should get him a little mirror and a perch.
Well, it's fine for him.
What about us? I mean, Mom and Dad didn't leave us any money.
What are we gonna do for food? Boy, this ought to teach Jefferson a lesson.
He didn't even know I slipped out of bed this morning.
Maybe he's still out cold, having seen you slip into it.
Okay, Brunhildas.
Family meeting.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Gather around.
All right, just stay there.
I'll come to you.
That's better.
Now, it's time to lay down the ground rules of the house.
Rule number one: There are two bedrooms.
I get one alone.
You two can share.
Keep the door closed while you're changing.
You don't wanna kill my bait.
Rule two: Speaking to me.
Al, nobody is gonna speak to you.
Nobody wants to speak to you.
Nobody will speak to you.
That's why it's so great that Marcie came along.
Women are much better company for each other than men.
Men do just get in the way, don't they? Just think if they were all dead.
There'd be no more sports, no burping, no Howie Mandel What a wonderful world it would be.
Yeah, but maybe we could keep the gay guys.
They're so much fun at lunch and really good with colour.
Well, without straight guys to wrong you women where would they get those delightful stories for those wonderful made-for-TV movies? Maybe we shouldn't have brought him along.
- Thank God we have each other.
- I know.
- We're best friends and sisters.
- Goodbye.
And we will be forever.
Women's relationships throughout history have been much more supportive than those of My own room.
Look, Dad.
It's all mine.
Got my own bed.
Always wanted to have a bed of my own.
How come I never had one? Ozzie had his own bed.
Father from Father Knows Best had his own bed.
Mr.
Donna Reed had his own bed.
Well, Mr.
Peggy Bundy is gonna have his own bed.
I'm gonna go out there and ask Peg if I never have to sleep with her again.
- How dare you call me irresponsible.
- The day I take orders from you is the - How dare you call me a freeloader.
- Nobody talks to me that way.
- I should have paid for my vacation.
- Lf I want advice from you, I'll ask for it.
- Oh, Al, do something.
- Oh, Al, do something.
- You evil snippet.
- Eat yellow snow.
Girls.
Girls.
Girls.
Girls? Who am I kidding? Sea hags Now, what are you fighting about? And it better not be stupid.
- It's not.
- Well, then go on.
Okay.
Without looking in the cupboard tell me which way should the coffee cups be facing.
And I thought it was just stupid.
What's stupid is a woman who stacks them right-side up so they collect dust.
Well, at home, in her defence, we recycle dust to make hot cocoa.
And then in a few weeks, it becomes porridge.
It's not about the cups at all, is it? What's really bothering you is the way my clothes mould themselves to my body.
Spare me the voluptuous rap, you sasquatchian nightmare.
Chill out, Chiclet chest.
- Turn your chair upside down - How dare you so it doesn't collect dust.
- Visitors come - God intended them to be right-side up.
for miles to see my cups.
Upside down.
- Let's ask Al.
- Let's ask Al.
Anybody home? Hello? - Feed me.
- Feed me.
- Feed me.
- Feed me.
Feed me.
Feed me.
Yeah, I guess this would be unusual in any other home.
But I think, all things considered l'll just let this pass.
Hey, Bud, you seen Marcie lately? I spent all day and night in bed yesterday cuddling with her pyjamas till I realized she wasn't in them.
I was wondering why she was so docile.
I mean she let me do anything I wanted.
You know, like have candy and stuff.
You know where she might be? She went on vacation with Mom and Dad.
Left us here to starve with this miserable little grub.
Hey, who are you calling miserable, you little? Lmagine the nerve of that woman, leaving me just because she's mad at me for using her credit card.
So what if I leave big tips with her money? What's the difference what I do wrong? I'm good-looking.
You know, the attractive should have special rights.
I think we should have our own parking spaces.
They could have a little circle with a sparkly smile because looking at us makes people happy.
Ain't it the truth.
What? What? What are we attractive people laughing at? Oh, not you, good-looking.
- You ain't bad yourself.
- Yeah, no kidding.
How dare Marcie deny me anything.
Besides, I have every right to use this credit card.
Look at it.
It says right here, "Marcie D'Arcy.
" D'Arcy, that's me.
You know, I have a thought.
It's almost as funny as you being attractive.
Hey.
Oh, God, I needed that.
Anyhow, here's my idea I forgot it.
Oh, wait, but here's another one.
You should spend an enormous amount of money.
So when your wife comes back she'll appreciate how little you spent before.
Yeah.
How mad can she get? We're good-looking.
- What? What? - Somebody stop him.
- Don't criticize my hair.
- When is the last time you got it cut? You need a new hairdresser.
You're locked in the '70s.
It's disgusting.
I can't stand the sight of your hair.
For heaven's sake.
No, yours is horrible.
- Yours is.
Yours is.
- Yours is.
Yours.
- Yours.
Al? - Yours.
- Would you settle an argument for us? - No! Thanks, honey.
Al, sweetie which one of us has a loud, obnoxious voice? Me or Marcie? Wait a second, "Al, sweetie"? He's my husband.
I'll call him what I want.
Why not call him some of the things you call him when he's not around.
Al, you know I'm not proud of you.
Why would I talk about you? Oh, yeah? Who says, "What's the difference between Al and an egg? An egg takes three minutes to be done"? I said two minutes.
And I didn't say that.
- Believe me, she hates you.
- AI, she's lying.
- She hates you.
- She's not even your wife but she is lying.
- Silence! Silence, feline beasts.
Now, we have been here for 10 hours, and in that 10 hours the two of you have only been quiet twice.
Once, when I asked how come my luggage forgot to be put in the car.
The other time, for the hour that Oprah was on, which is remarkable since we don't have a TV.
All right, Al.
But I just have one more question.
Which one of us has the firmest heinie? I'm blind! I'm blind now! Are you happy now, Seven? Are you happy, Kelly? How about you, Bud? You happy? I will be soon.
May I see the back, please? This is very unusual, sir.
Department stores normally have lingerie shows not guys in their living room.
But then you Kennedys go your own way.
Please.
Kennedy is so formal.
Just call me Bud-Bud.
That's right, six dozen roses.
That's right, from me.
That's right, to me.
Hey, what the hell.
Send another dozen to a pair of pyjamas.
Same address.
Oh, Marcie, that was the most relaxing vacation I've ever had.
You know, that's the thing about women.
We can get in an argument, then talk it through rationally then work it out in a civilized manner like the sisters we are.
- Oh, God bless us.
- He did.
He made us women.
But to tell you the truth, I was just lost without my Jefferson.
I mean, so what if he tips big.
He's good-looking.
I can forgive him anything.
Jefferson D'Arcy, I better not be paying for this.
Do you have anything to say before I kill you? Good night.
Jefferson! Are? Are you still mad, honey? - Sweetie? - Yeah.
Do you know what a melvin is? No.
Then let me show you.
Oh, yeah, we used to call them wedgies.
Kelly, I wanna talk to you this minute.
- Yes, Mom.
- Sucker! Rub, dear.
Hey, Mom.
Where's? What do we call him? Starts with an L.
- Dad? - Yeah.
- Where is he? - Well, he kept complaining how we ruined his vacation so I decided to let him stay up there by himself for two whole days.
I just left the key on the table while he was out chopping wood.
I hope he's finally happy.
Well, folks, get ready for another 8 feet of snow.
But we'll let the poor saps who are outside worry about that.
Eh, folks?