Roseanne s07e15 Episode Script

Hey, Beck.
Hey, Dad.
When you were walking around the house this morning, in and out of various rooms, you know, observing things, you didn't happen to see my pants, did you? You lost your pants? Not all of 'em.
For your information, little girl, I have a very important meeting with my supervisor today, so I need my Dockers.
I don't know where they are.
Ask Mom.
I can't ask your mother.
The doctor said she needed a week of total stress-free bedrest and you know how she hates it when I lose my pants.
Then wear your regular pants.
Dad-- Just a minute, D.
J.
These are executives, Becky.
I can't just waltz in there with my regular pants.
We'll never get that new vending machine.
So? So, what am I supposed to tell my men? That I was kidding about the frozen snack treats? I'd have a riot on my hands.
I gotta talk to Mom about something for school.
Whoa! Don't bother your mother.
I will tell you everything you need to know about school.
You have to stay until you're 16, now scoot.
Well, I need something for a bake sale and I told everybody she makes the best cookies in town.
I'm sorry, D.
J.
, but your mother's just too sick to drive to the bakery.
But I promised! D.
J.
! [Roseanne.]
You okay out there? Never felt younger or more refreshed.
Let's see.
Okay, we got frosting and half a meatloaf.
I'd get real scarce after they sell that.
[Jackie.]
Dan? Dan? How's Roseanne doing? Oh, she's resting.
Listen, you didn't happen to see a pair of pants on the front lawn when you pulled up this morning? Things a little hectic, huh? Are you kidding? The kids have school, they want breakfast, people have to go to work.
I'll tell you one thing: she sure picked one heck of a day to get sick.
Yeah, I hear you.
Listen, could you do me a favor? I don't know, does it involve strangling you? 'Cause I'll make time for that.
Well, I wouldn't ask, but Fred and I need a babysitter for Tuesday night, so we were hoping that maybe you guys could-- Never mind.
No, no.
Please finish.
That we could, what? Recommend somebody? Sure, who was the guy the Lindberghs used? No.
I'll get somebody else to babysit.
Someone who loves children.
Get out of my way, D.
J.
! I need the car just as much as you do, Mark.
Why should you get it? I'll give you five good reasons.
One, two, three, four, five.
What are you gonna do with that? Wave at me? Ow, ow! Come on, you're wearing a ring.
Mr.
Conner, will you please tell Mark that he can't just have the car whenever he wants it? There's gotta be a fair way to settle this.
I don't know what it is, so I suggest a slap fight.
Fine, you wanna make this ugly? I'm getting Mrs.
Conner.
No.
Everybody stop! Okay, the doctor said Mrs.
Conner is sick and has to stay in bed for the next week.
Okay? That means for the next seven days, under no circumstance is any stress allowed in that bedroom.
Therefore, you will all grow up and take care of yourselves around here! You will cook for yourselves, you clean up after yourselves, and you think for yourselves! Got it? [all.]
Yes.
Okay, now everybody spread out and find my pants.
[laughing.]
Mom, you'rehere Yeah.
instead of Fred.
Hi, hi! It's just that I assumed that because Fred was babysitting when I left that that when I returned, he would still be here, but, no, it's my mother.
How nice.
Oh, it's no trouble really.
Fred had to get some more diapers and I was here to see Andy anyway.
You shouldn't have to come all the way over here to see your grandson.
What, did you lose the picture we gave you? Hey, honey.
Hey, Bev.
Okay, Andy, I got the diapers.
Let her rip! Speaking of little accidents, when I babysit, I'll need a list of emergency numbers.
I checked next to the phone and I see that in case of fire, there are over 20 Chinese restaurants I can call.
Did you say "babysit"? Hey, honey, good news.
You know how we talked about going out on a date once a week? Well, Bev's offered to babysit on Tuesday nights.
Well, that's great.
That's great.
Is--But, uh, see, there's trouble.
'Cause, uh I just gave the job to this lady I met.
What lady? What lady? The, uh-- The--pffft.
Wrote the name down, but I--I left it.
You wanna leave our baby with somebody whose name you don't even know? Fred, like she's not gonna introduce herself.
Why don't you call her and tell her we'd rather have Andy's grandmother? Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Uh Well, there's trouble there 'cause, uh-- 'cause she's deaf and she won't hear the phone ring.
I don't think that's really somebody you want watching the child.
She has eyes, Mother.
Bev, would you mind putting Andy down? Ooh, I'd love it.
I'll find some of his cleaner stuffed animals to put in the crib with him.
Come on.
Come on.
Thanks, Mom.
[whispers.]
Don't you dare call her "Mom".
You may call her "Bev" or "Sea Hag.
" What is bugging you? Have you lost your mind? I don't want that old woman around the baby.
You're being ridiculous.
Bev gets along with him great and he loves her! What does he know? He loves my house keys.
Come on, Jackie.
You've gotta admit whenever she comes over, his face just lights up.
He is laughing at her.
I taught him that.
He looks like an angel.
Oh, Jackie, I've rearranged the changing table so it makes sense.
Look, when she's babysitting, you won't have to be around her.
Come on, Jackie, you owe it to the kid to try to make things up with his grandmother.
All right, fine.
It's just that none of this would've happened if you hated her like a normal person.
Well, time for me to hit the hay.
It's my turn to take care of Andy in the morning.
Oh, how nice.
You have a husband who lets you sleep in while he does your work for you.
Mom, about Tuesday nights-- Oh, my pleasure.
I can see as long as I have a dustrag, I'll never be bored.
Well, the job is yours if you could just do me one little favor.
What, dear? Not a big favor.
It's just, uh, something I've always wanted you to do and it'd make me feel better about you spending time with Andy.
Well, of course.
What is it? Um, say that every single thing you ever did in my life was wrong.
What? Every decision you made, everything you said, every look you gave, wrong, wrong, wrong.
What are you talking about? I'm talking about the way you raised me.
Well, I don't believe it was wrong.
You don't have to believe it.
You just have to say it.
You've lost your mind.
Not allowed to write it.
And you can't sing it.
You must say it loud and clear.
"Everything I did was wrong!" I most certainly will not.
Well, then you can't babysit your grandson.
Butthat's just wrong! Ohthat was close.
Not close enough.
Well! Oh, man, this is so great, Dan.
Look at me: I'm laying in bed, reading the Inquirer, eating this Cheese Whiz right out of the bottle just like the queen of England.
Not quite, honey.
The queen of England can't get The Dukes of Hazzard.
Happy now? My foot's kinda blocking my view here.
Mark.
That leg gets crossed again, honey, just give us a call.
I just wanted to tell you that I finished working your shift at the diner.
Oh, great.
How were the tips? Pretty good.
Great.
Well, just leave 'em up there on the dresser.
Mrs.
Conner, there's kind of been something that's bothering me.
Your doctor called the diner today because he needed to reschedule your next appointment.
Yeah? Well, I hate myself for even thinking this, but why would he call you at the diner if he ordered you to stay in bed? All right, I'll split the tips with you.
Oh! You're faking this whole thing? Mrs.
Conner.
I know it's not my place, but what you're doing is more than just wrong, it's-- Oh, it's really wrong.
No, it isn't.
I'm pregnant, I don't feel good, and I'm tired.
And this is the only way I could get a break.
I understand.
I just don't know if I can go along with it.
What's your favorite dinner? I don't know, roast beef, mashed potatoes, I guess, but-- Becky! I want you to make me roast beef and mashed potatoes for dinner tonight! [Becky.]
No fair.
It's David's turn to cook.
Well, David doesn't have to cook anymore.
He's, uh, above you now.
Fine.
Oh, God, now I'm a part of this.
Yeah, it's great.
Isn't it, David? And this is just the beginning.
Go get me that family portrait over there.
Why? Because.
I want you to close your eyes and point out a family member.
And whoever you point out, I'm gonna make them bathe me.
[Roseanne.]
Dan, I'm bored! How much longer do I have to stay in bed? Well, you told me the doc said a week.
How many days has it been? Just the one.
Hi.
Hey.
Is dandruff shampoo bad for dishes? Are they already in there? Uh-huh.
No, it's fine.
How's she doing? She's starting to get a little bored.
She's been counting the cracks in the ceiling.
Of course, there weren't any till she got a hold of my nail gun.
I gotta talk to her about a problem.
No, no, no.
The doctor said no stress, and no stress it is.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, then I guess I'll just handle it myself.
I'm an adult.
That's good, Jackie.
It's really important, Dan.
I need to talk to somebody.
This isn't a sex problem, is it? No, No.
No, I need someone who hates Mom.
I'm listening.
Okay.
So, Mom volunteered to babysit, for free, every Tuesday night and Fred is pushing me to let her do it.
Yeah? So? So? So I'm not going to trust her with Andy.
She shouldn't be left alone in a room with any baby.
Why not? Roseanne always liked having her babysit.
Bev was great with our kids.
Man, she could take a punch.
No, Dan, you don't understand.
Roseanne would never approve of Mom babysitting.
Roseanne hates our mother.
Of course she does! Roseanne hates vegetables too, but she doesn't keep our family from corn.
You're on Mom's side.
No, I'm on you and Fred's side.
You leave the kid with Bev, you two get a night out, and all the dishes in the cabinet get rewashed.
Good God, Dan, you're talking about Mom! I know! What do you think's gonna happen? She's gonna forget to change him, forget to feed him? Give him to the paperboy instead of a tip? You really think your mother would harm your child at all? Well last time I went out when I came back you didn't see the hat she put on his head.
Come on, Jackie, you're being ridiculous.
You're not worried about Andy.
You're doing this to punish Bev.
So? You're just doing this to be wrong.
Mom is a horrible woman.
You and Roseanne may let her near your kids, but I love my child.
Yeah, right.
If you'd read the instructions on a pack of condoms, you wouldn't have a child.
Hey.
Hey, do you know the name of Mrs.
Conner's gynecologist? Yeah.
I mean, no.
I mean, why? I wanna call 'em to find out what's going on.
Mrs.
Conner doesn't tell me much and I'm afraid it's worse than she's letting on.
Oh, here it is.
Uh, you know what? I'll call the gynecologist for you.
I had to call him yesterday for Mrs.
Conner for something and I kind of have a relationship with her gynecologist.
That's interesting, David.
Hello, doctor? It's David.
Listen, we were just wondering if Mrs.
Conner's condition is any worse than she says.
No, uh-huh.
Yeah, it's exactly the same as she says.
Okay, then.
Thanks, doctor.
Wait a minute, David.
Ask the doctor what the condition's called.
Uh, Mr.
Conner wants to know what this disease is called.
Oh.
Mono-cly-nosis-- David, hang up the phone.
Goodbye, doctor.
That wasn't the doctor, was it, David? No, sir.
And Mrs.
Conner is faking it, isn't she? Yes, sir.
I can't believe she did this! I had to sleep on the couch.
I had to move the TV in there.
I had to sleep on the couch without TV! Come on, she's not totally wrong.
I mean, you did tell her to take it a little easy and a lot of people might think that that meant to spend a week in bed.
Well, then in a way, I guess this worked out for the best.
You're not mad? Mad? No.
But this is our little secret, okay? [Roseanne.]
Dan, I can't stand this anymore! I'm gonna go for a little walk! Get my shoes, will you? No, no, no, no.
The doctor said you deserve your rest and you're gonna get what you deserve.
You're not gonna kill me, are you, Mr.
Conner? Kill you? No.
This isn't squirrel season, David.
I'm huntin' bear.
[knocking at door.]
Ooh.
Oh, my, it's Jackie.
What can I do for you.
If you've come to insult me, why don't you just save it for my eulogy.
You probably won't have to wait long.
Why, what have you heard? Why are you always so cruel? Mother, I didn't come over here to fight.
I came over to tell you that it is okay for you to babysit Andy.
Really? Yes.
Thank you, Jackie.
You're welcome.
I'll see you on Tuesday.
I'm glad you changed your mind.
I really didn't understand why you got so upset with me.
I mean, I take very good care of Andy.
Yeah, I know, Mom.
And Andy really loves his ol' Gran-Gran.
Yeah, he does.
I'm crazy about that boy.
I'm always very good to him.
Yeah, I know.
I justwish you could've been good to me.
Why, Jackie, I was good to you.
No.
No, you weren't, Mom.
Not the way you are with Andy.
I see the way that you look at him and you sing to him and you cuddle with him, and you never were that way with me.
Oh Oh, Jackie, it was all so long ago.
I told myself that you just didn't have it in you, but if you can give it to Andy, I don't know why you couldn't ever give it to me.
What was so bad about me? Oh, Jackie, it wasn't you.
Sure, it was me.
I mean, why was I so unlovable? It wasn't you.
Oh, Jackie, it was me.
What? Being a mother was just a very hard job for me.
It was all the time, day and night.
And I had your father to contend with, not to mention Roseanne.
Okay, so, you know, I didn't get much love because I had a cheating father and a difficult sister.
No.
It's because I was young and just not very good at it.
I'm sorry, Jackie.
Now, Mom-- I'm just so sorry.
Mom, don't.
You deserve better.
Mom, I wasn't perfect.
I--You know, the dog Skippy? I put him to sleep after he shredded your wedding dress? That wasn't Skippy.
I forgive you.
Okay.
You know, Jackie, the truth is I'm sort of jealous of you.
What? Yes.
You waited until you were older to have Andy.
You're more settled, more patient.
You're a good mother.
Wait.
You're telling me that I'm a good mother? You're complimenting me? I can't-- This is like a dream come true.
I mean, this is, like, one of those golden moments that comes around only once in a lifetime.
And I also think that you and Fred-- Mom, don't, please, say another word.
Why? Mom, you're gonna say something Mom-like and you're just gonna ruin it.
You're gonna-- you're gonna ruin my moment.
No, I'm not.
Oh, I think you will.
I'm just gonna say.
I'm not listening to you.
Le le le le le Well, I'll see you Tuesday.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
I'll bring my vacuum since yours seems to be broken.
No.
No, it's still good.
Hi, Dan.
How's it going? Pretty good.
Quick question.
You weren't just trying to head out the front door, were you? Who me? No, I just came to.
'Cause D.
J.
said he saw you heading out the front door and when he called for me, you did a U-y and torqued back in the bedroom.
[whistling.]
Feet cold? No, not since I put my shoes on.
Roseanne, the doctor said you were supposed to stay in bed for a week, and that's what you're gonna do.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a few exits to block up.
And I've nailed the windows shut.
Shoot! [whispering.]
Roseanne, you're not too sick for me to talk to you, are you? No.
Get in here.
I've been dying for the sound of another human voice.
Read me the ingredients on this Cheez Whiz.
You're not gonna believe this.
Mom said she's a bad mother.
What do you mean? Like in the way that Shaft was a bad mother? No, I'm serious.
She said those exact words! Oh, my God.
Okay, you've gotta sit down and tell me every single detail of this.
Okay, I go over-- Okay, now wait! All right, now I'm ready.
Um-- Hey, hey, hey, what's going on in here? I'm just telling Roseanne this really great stuff about Mom.
No way.
You bring up the name of-- there's gonna be stress.
Shut up, Dan.
See, already it starts.
Let's go, Jackie.
Dan, no.
She's been waiting Then she can wait another week.
Let's go.
Doctor's orders.
No.
Okay.
All right.
Uhokay.
The doctor really never said I had to stay in bed.
Out, Jackie.
Hey, you don't have to go just 'cause he tells you to.
Yeah! You have a point.
Dan, put me down! Put her down! Oh, Roseanne, my God, it was glorious! [Dan.]
Say goodbye, Jackie! No, no, no, wait, wait, wait! Roseanne, she cried.