Modern Family s07e16 Episode Script

1 Thank you.
Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Samples! Mmm! Mmm.
Excuse me, do I know you? I don't think so.
You look so familiar.
Why am I picturing a bench ad? Minor celebrity.
Guilty as charged.
Oh! You're the "Accidentes" guy.
Mm.
No.
No, no, no.
Um, I'm, uh [Chuckles.]
I'm Mr.
Real Estate Phil Dunphy.
Oh, right.
I am actually looking for a house right now.
Wow.
Well, if I could be of any service I don't I don't have any cards.
I'm in my gym clothes.
Oh, I see you earned that hot chocolate.
Yeah, I rocked a pretty intense Shake Weights/power walk combo.
Morning, neighbors.
Saw your daughter yesterday.
Boy, she is growing up fast.
My name is Angie.
Here is my number.
If you find any good three-bedrooms in the neighborhood, I'd love to see them.
Well, I'll call you.
I'd love to show them to you.
I'm not just a pretty face people sit on.
Forget I said that.
Here you go.
Oh, thanks, honey.
Who's Angie? Oh.
Just a woman I m-met inside.
Really? She gave you her number? And dotted her "I" with a little heart? Oh, yeah.
She's looking for a house.
Sweet old lady.
Don't know why I said that.
Little overweight.
No idea where that came from.
Thick Irish accent.
I panicked! I should have told the truth, but Claire knows I have a type.
It was just a little white lie.
Ironically.
Hey, America! I didn't see you there.
Welcome to another live webcast of "Jay Talking.
" You know what really gets my goat? Goat cheese.
It's on everything.
I hate it.
The only thing worse than goat cheese is eating it at a communal table with some jerk wearing a hat inside.
Have some respect.
And pull up your pants! Only crack I want to see is in the Liberty Bell.
Greatest country on the damn planet.
If, six months ago, you'd have told me I'd have a big Internet show, I would have said, "Yeah, that adds up.
" I used to entertain my staff with jokes and observations.
When I retired, I started sharing those gems around the house.
Manny went so nuts for it, he set up the whole webcast.
Sorry, Internet.
He's your problem now.
Bottom line, you can keep your hashtags, 'cause I like hashbrowns.
But, hey that's just "Jay Talking.
" And we're out.
Wow.
90 minutes just flew by.
Hey, guys! The comments are already rolling in! "Keep it up, Jay.
" "You're saying what we're all thinking.
" "I miss chop suey, too.
" I love it, because now everybody gets to see what I live with.
- What the hell? This guy again? - Who? Some meatball named "LadyKiller52" been dogging me for days.
Look what he wrote.
"Hey, Grandpa, no one cares what you think.
" Are you sure that that's not from Haley? Here's another one.
The same jerk! "It's weird you don't like goat cheese when you've got a goat face.
" - Well, that makes no sense.
- Mnh-mnh.
What kind of goat eats its own cheese? Here I am, trying to make America laugh and think, and this hockey puck's coming at me with tired insults.
Okay, I-it's called a troll, Jay.
But you can't let him or anything else keep you from directing all of your opinions into that computer.
You're right, Manny.
It's tough being in the public eye.
Now I know why Sinatra was always punching guys.
[Cellphone rings.]
Hola, Claire.
Hey.
What's going on? You do a lot of yoga, right? Ah, I used to.
But all those judgy vegans with their ponytails and their Lululemon, [namaste.]
I'm like, "nama-stay home," you know what I mean? [Chuckles.]
Um I just started taking it, but I think that the instructor is hitting on me.
- He is.
- How do you know? Because you're you in yoga pants.
Ugh.
Just go to another class.
But this one is perfect.
It's at the same time as Joe's Gymboree, right next door.
Ay, why don't you come with me today and tell me if I'm just being crazy? Sure.
Text me the info.
Hey, remind her! Oh! And don't forget today, all-new episode of "Jay Talking.
" He takes on restaurants that write their menus on blackboards.
I want to feel a menu in my hands! [Cellphone beeps.]
Hey, girl.
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
Just wanted to say hi, talk about stuff.
- What stuff? - I don't know.
I just miss you.
We could talk about anything.
How about Watergate? Like, what would you say were the three most significant ways it changed American politics? Cite your sources.
I'm not writing your essay.
Okay.
See you at Easter.
Hey.
I'm back.
How'd your showing with Angie-with-a-heart go? Oh, fine.
Uneventful.
Nondescript.
This shower's really small.
Could you imagine me in here? Weird thing I was with her for two hours, I couldn't pick her out of a crowd.
Really? That is weird.
Nothing weird about it.
You just said it was weird.
That's weird.
Give me a kiss! [Chuckles.]
Mwah! What are you up to, buddy? Writing a paper on President Nixon.
[Scoffs.]
What an idiot.
He had it all and just threw it away because of some stupid lie.
Well, maybe it came out of his mouth before he knew what he was saying.
Okay, but then he just kept lying over and over and making it worse and worse.
Phil, how old is Angie? Oh, uh, gosh 70.
Why? I was thinking about that house on Forsyth.
It's nice but has a lot of stairs.
No.
She's too fat for that.
Hmm.
Therefore, I shall resign the presidency effective at noon tomorrow.
If only he had told the truth.
He was in too deep! Ta-da! Check out what I got! No, thanks.
Thought we could go to the park tomorrow and you could finally learn.
What pavement tastes like? I don't think so.
Well, Lily, when you're ready, it's here for you.
Mitchell, can I, um, speak to you in the bedroom about the, uh, dust ruffle? Don't worry the dust ruffle's leaving.
Okay, why are you doing this? We need Lily to get on this bike.
Why are you pushing this so hard? She's clearly afraid.
She's been afraid of a lot of things lately.
Last week, she wouldn't even open her closet door because she thought something scary was in there.
Could be the denim jumpsuit your mom made her.
This is a pivotal moment.
We can't raise a child who won't ride a bike or get on an airplane or eat mayonnaise.
It's a texture thing.
How does egg become that? We are doing this tomorrow.
She is getting on this bike.
What's the rush? She's 8 years old.
Most Vietnamese kids her age are already riding a bike to work.
So, where's Mahatma Handsy? I noticed that you have a lot of these yoga puns.
I don't think we need any more.
Namaste.
Okay.
Now I get the one from before.
Uh-huh.
[Chuckles.]
- Hi.
- Hi.
We haven't met.
Oh.
Claire.
- Claire.
- Mm-hmm.
Beautiful.
Like the sunrise in Tanjung Rhu.
You have a great yoga body.
You've done this before? Um, yeah.
I mean, it's been a little while, but yeah.
Great posture, strong core.
[Exhales heavily.]
We're going to have fun.
Maybe I've just been stressed lately, but I was wrong.
Yoga felt good.
We are lifting our hips towards the ceiling.
Very nice, Claire.
Claire: Ra was very supportive.
Maybe I just never had the right teacher.
[Exhaling deeply.]
Am I doing it right? Shh! And they validate parking.
Another one? I've had it with this LadyKiller son of a bitch.
He's been lobbing insults all night.
"Hey, dumbbell, I can smell your breath through the Internet.
" They can't do that, right? Jay, take it from a fellow performer If you're going to put yourself out there, you need to let the criticism roll off your back.
I must say, I was impressed you didn't mope for a month after that brutal review of you in "Sound of Music.
" What are you talking about? There was no review.
There was no school paper that week.
Eeeeeexactly.
There was no paper that week.
Oh, yeah.
What did you do? I I am not going to stand here and let you accuse me of stealing all of those papers! He didn't say that.
"After seeing Manny Delgado mangle the role of Captain Von Trapp, all I can say is "Doe-a-dear Lord, make it stop.
I am 16 going on antidepressants.
I wanted to climb every mountain and jump off.
" What teacher allowed this? [Cellphone rings.]
[Sighs.]
Hey, Grandpa.
Hi, honey! Oh, I'm so glad you called.
I've just been having the worst week.
It's been so overwhelming and so much You know what helps? A cocktail.
Listen, I've got a situation.
Do you know any computer nerds that can track someone down on the Internet? Yeah, I think I can find a few.
Okay! How exciting is this, Lily? In no time at all, you're gonna be a bike rider.
- Or a corpse.
- Okay [Sighs.]
I know you're afraid, and sometimes it's helpful if you say exactly what you're afraid of out loud.
So? I'm afraid I'll fall because I'm not ready and you forced me, so for the rest of my life, I'll hold it against you.
And then other times, it's just best to tamp it down and soldier on.
I said this when you pried her out of the car, and I'll say this again she doesn't want to do this! She will when she sees how easy it is for me.
See? Easy as pie! Okay, look, Lily, if you don't want to do this - I don't want to do this.
- Okay.
[Crash.]
Aah! I'm good! Um look.
All right.
I'm gonna talk to Daddy.
But just promise me you'll learn someday, okay? And that you'll get on a plane.
Why wouldn't I get on a plane? What's wrong with them? Nothing.
They're safer than cars.
- Cars aren't safe?! - Oh, my God.
Okay! Look here's Daddy.
- [Bell chimes.]
- Here we are, safe and sound! - What's wrong? - Nothing.
I just think I left the oven on at home after breakfast, so we should get going.
Thank God.
No, you had cereal for breakfast.
What's going on? I wiped out, and I think I broke my arm.
I've never been in so much pain.
[Groans.]
Keep smiling.
Got to get you to an ER.
No, don't! No, no! If Lily sees me hurt, she's never gonna get on a bike.
You crashed because of that shirtless jogger, didn't you? Oh, my God.
Right? Oh, Gloria! I was wondering if you were gonna be here today.
[Chuckling.]
What are you doing here? I got to say, I thought I was over yoga, but yesterday was a real eye-opener.
"Eye" or "thigh"? [Chuckles.]
Hmm.
Wow.
I thought it was a very challenging class, and I don't really appreciate anything else you're implying, 'cause you're a little I'm what? Jealous.
Of what of him rubbing you like he was expecting a genie to come out? Look, you are so used to being the center of men's attention that yesterday, it probably bothered you that I got some.
Attention.
That's all.
Just attention.
That's insane.
I am a married woman.
I am used to getting no attention.
No, Angie, you're like right around the corner from me.
Yeah, turn left, walk west, and I'll see you in front of the hair salon.
All right.
See you in a minute.
- Phil? - [Keys clatter.]
Ohh! Hey! No! What are you guys up to? I have a yoga class.
And, apparently, Claire does, too.
What are you doing here? Oh, just on my way to show more houses to my fat, Irish client, Angie O'Plasty.
Huh.
I'm going in.
I will tell Ra that you're here.
Ra is our yoga instructor.
Oh, she must be great.
You're here two days in a row.
She is great.
She's a little old.
Don't know why I said that.
I got to go.
See you black home.
Pretty sure I know why I said that.
[Exhales deeply.]
This is the most pain I've ever been in in my life.
And a horse once kicked me into an electric fence.
Well, C-Cam, yeah, you broke your arm.
You got to go to the hospital.
No.
Not yet.
I'll go in, draw myself a bath, pretend to fall and break my arm.
In the meantime, go get those painkillers that they gave you when you twisted your ankle.
- Oh, I think I threw those away.
- Did you? Or are they in the nightstand next to your bed because they go good with a glass of wine? [Exhales deeply, groans.]
Lily: Dad? Yeah? Can you open these? 'Course I can.
[Chuckles.]
Well? Will you? Uh sure.
Yeah.
Now? Okay.
[Chuckles.]
Let's see here.
Ohh! Ooh, you know what? There's a fun way to open these I don't know if I've ever taught you.
There! Whoopsie-daisy! Bon appétit.
Bath time! Okay, so, I got the Uh [Cameron groans.]
What happened here? Daddy opened the chips.
With what a snowblower? [Groans.]
Whew! [Grunts.]
Oh! - Oh! - Oh, I wonder what that noise was.
I hope Daddy's okay! [Groaning.]
- Daddy! - Oh, no! Looks like you fell and broke your, uh, left arm.
No, Mitchell, I fell.
I really fell.
- Oh, really? - Really.
- Are you okay? - My head hurts.
And my arm.
I'm never taking a bath again! Oh, great.
Too bad you didn't fall off a stripper pole.
- Ow! - I-I'm sorry.
That is the left.
Left.
Well, this is the address Alex's nerds gave me, but it's not where I pictured a troll living.
"After his performance in 'The Sound of Music, ' Christopher Plummer went on to a distinguished acting career.
After Delgado's performance, I expect he'll go on to a distinguished plumbing career.
" Focus! I need you to film this for my show tomorrow.
By the way, if the punk's under 18, you have to hit him.
What?! I never agreed to that! Pritchett? Earl? You've got to be kidding me.
What the hell are you doing here? I'm here to punch LadyKiller in his fat face.
I'm sorry.
Can we start over? I was on "Photo.
" Go ahead.
Any time.
You're pathetic.
I crushed you in the closet game, and I'm crushing it on the Internet.
Put that rat down, and I'll crush you on your porch.
Like that is gonna be any more painful than your stupid rant, "When did restaurants get so loud?" I should have known it was you all those typos from your stubby fingers.
Watch it.
I got my mother's hands.
You also have your mother's mustache.
- [Huffs.]
Hold this! - Hold this.
[Both yelling.]
That went on for a good 20 seconds.
[Both breathing heavily.]
Why do we keep doing this?! Who knows? Isn't it obvious? You two need each other.
It's what drives you.
The kid is right.
Beating you is half the reason I get out of bed.
Locking horns.
We made each other better than I ever thought we could be.
Pushed each other to greatness.
We touched the sky.
We're talking about closets here, right? Oh, I'm sorry You mean the sanctuary where a man dons his armor in the morning and takes stock of the battle at night?! The one thing we all have in common presidents to postmen, tycoons to teachers, from sea to shining sea! This is taking a weird turn.
We did kind of bring out the best in each other, didn't we? Why did you have to retire, Pritchett? I miss the fire.
I guess I miss it, too.
All right, here's something.
What if we do the show together? What? No! I'm not gonna let you glom onto my new hit show! 43 views.
We could do like a like a point/counterpoint kind of thing.
Like I would say something like, uh "Let's get rid of pennies," and you would say Of course we should get rid of pennies! They're annoying to own and make you feel bad when you throw them out.
All right, what what if I said, "I miss milkmen"? Who doesn't miss milkmen? The glass bottle, little bow tie.
What am I, an idiot? I don't miss milkmen? Okay, well, then you think of something! I'm not the one auditioning.
Okay.
Here's something that represents my unique brand of thinking.
When I fly, I like luggage fees.
Me too.
Why should us carry-on folk have to foot the bill for those morons who don't know how to pack?! Three weeks, I went from Edinburgh to Warsaw on two pairs of pants and a tam-o'-shanter.
I'm falling asleep.
- I love naps! - Who doesn't? This is ridiculous! The irony that, despite you two being mortal enemies, it appears you agree on everything? No! It's that this jackass thinks he can actually bring something new to "Jay Talking.
" Come on! We would be magic! You already stole one company from me.
You're not getting this.
Okay, fine! I will start my own show.
I'll call it "Earls of Wisdom.
" Can't wait.
I'll see you in the comments section.
I'll just turn the comments off.
- You can do that? - Yeah.
Then why am I here?! [Door slams.]
Really, you don't have to do this.
If I don't drive you to get your keys, how are you gonna get your car? Well, thank you.
This is me right here.
Not here.
Not here.
Two down.
Oh, there's a stomach cramp.
Much better.
Uh, right here.
With the mailbox that says "Porterfields"? Yep.
It is a joke that we play with the mailman.
Long story.
I will be right back.
[Chuckles.]
[Dogs barking, branches rustling.]
[Thud.]
[Telephone rings.]
Hello? Hey, Claire? It's Ra.
Oh.
Hi.
The readout said "Ira Burnbaum.
" Yeah.
Uh, "Ra" is short for "Ira.
" Anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to get together, maybe grab a shower and a movie? No.
No.
Oh, I am Mm.
Ira, I'm a married woman.
That's not gonna happen.
Wow.
I didn't pick up that energy when I was planking you.
- [Thud.]
- Mm.
Aaah! Ohh! Phil! What are you doing home? I lost my car keys.
Who were you talking to? - Nobody.
Why are your pants ripped? - No reason.
Here they are.
See you later! [Chuckling.]
Hey! There you are.
Off we go.
Phil, why didn't you show me this house? It has everything I want.
I forgot it was for sale.
You're the agent.
Oh.
I remember It's built cheap.
It looks pretty solid to me.
Well, it's mostly held up by beehives.
- Let's go.
- Phil, what is going on? Nothing.
Just trying to keep you away from all that asbestos.
Do you not want me as a neighbor? Okay.
I-I can't do this anymore.
No more lies.
It is related to that.
Wow.
[Chuckles.]
I did not peg you for a racist.
Wait.
No, no, no, no, no! Wait, wait, wait.
Angie It's always the last people you think.
We're done.
Goodbye, Phil.
No, Angie! That's not it! I lied to my wife because she knows I have a thing for black women! Oh, really? Hey, there! So, that was Angie O'Hara? Okay.
Full disclosure Mm-hmm.
- I did lie.
- Mm-hmm.
But only because she's beautiful and you get a little crazy.
Why the hell did I say that?! I'm sorry.
Oh, it's okay.
[Scoffs.]
You're being so understanding.
It's so unlike you.
Are you secretly mad? Are you lulling me into a false sense of security? Are you gonna do something to me while I'm asleep? Phil, you know what really gets my goat? [Sighs.]
That you lied.
Guess men are men.
I don't know why I expected anything more.
[Ringing.]
Hello? I want to apologize.
You were right.
It did bother me that Ra gave you all the attention.
He's an attractive man, and you're a very sexy woman.
Of course he put his hands all over you.
- What?! - Ra? It's Phil.
Oh.
B-Bye-bye! Claire You know what really gets my goat? Okay, Lily.
Let's do this.
Can we just please give this a rest until you're fully recovered? No.
Mitchell, we're in too deep.
I have a broken arm, and I can't remember any of my grade-school teachers' names.
Yeah, you've mentioned that four times now.
Have I really? Yeah.
All right.
Uh, Lily, let's let's get on the bike.
- Carefully.
Carefully.
- Yep.
One leg at a time over.
Feet on the pedals.
Perfect.
And then we start pedaling.
Mitchell, we start pedaling.
Good.
Now let go.
- Don't let go! - Okay.
Mitchell, let go.
- I'm not ready.
- She's not ready! Mitchell, sidebar, please.
Okay.
Okay.
Stopping.
Just put your feet down.
Be right back.
What's wrong, Lily? Don't you know how to ride a bike? Yeah, Sydney.
I'm just showing him how to teach a kid.
Okay, I'm dragging my feet because I have a brain injury.
Why are you dragging yours, again? Because I don't want her to get hurt! No, see, it's not the worst thing in the world that she's actually starting to be cautious.
She used to fly off of bookcases and jump off of swing sets, and now she's trying to protect herself.
And what kind of life is she gonna have if she's scared of everything? A life where I don't have to worry about her.
Ohh.
I get it.
So you're the one that's afraid.
It's dangerous out there.
T-There's so much weird stuff going on in the world, and I just I want her to be safe.
I guess we can wait a couple weeks if she wants to.
Lily, it's Lily? [Screeching.]
Lily?! Cam, look! Oh, my gosh! That's so great! [Gasps.]
God, I hope so.
Ohh, everything's gonna be okay.
Yeah.
Miss Tweeddale fourth grade.
Mr.
Kleezak! Mr.
Lundgren! I'm back! Ow! Oh, my God.
I tol Angie, thank you so much for meeting me.
- This is my wife, Claire.
- Hi.
You need to know that my husband is the furthest thing from a racist.
- I love black women.
- Maybe a little too much.
So, I told her that you were white, which is the only reason I didn't want you living across the street.
I didn't want her to find out that I was lying.
- Is that true? - Sadly, yes.
Well, I am relieved.
Although it is a little offensive to be reduced to a type.
Of course.
I'm sorry.
- Hey, babe.
Everything okay? - Yeah, everything is fine.
Just a big misunderstanding.
This is Phil.
- Hi.
- Hi.
And his wife, Claire.
- Hi.
- Well Hello.
Yeah, apology accepted.
I'm on fire.