Seinfeld s07e16 Episode Script

You get to a point with your parents where all you can do with them is eat.
You can't talk anymore but you wanna at least try and keep your mouths moving.
And they're so anxious for it, you know.
You come in: "How was the plane? You must be hungry.
How did you sleep? Ready for breakfast?" My mother will argue with me about what I like.
"Can I have a piece of pumpkin pie?" "You don't like pumpkin pie.
" "Yes, I do.
" "Since when?" "What's the difference? Can I have it?" "No.
I have never seen you eat a piece of pumpkin pie.
" Mr.
Peterman sent me over here for a physical because as you may or may not know he and I are going on a trip to Kenya.
Africa.
It's my first such mission for the company.
The Masai Bushmen wear these great sandals and we're gonna knock them off.
Not the Masai, the sandals.
- I'll need a urine sample.
- Right.
Africa? Do you know how hot it gets there? Like 150 degrees.
Your skin is gonna be simmering with boils.
Oh, come on.
You coming to The Tonight Show? Yeah, yeah.
My parents wanna come too, is that okay? - Sure.
My parents will be there.
- The Tonight Show? Yeah, they're in town.
You wanna go? - Are you doing new material? - No.
I don't think so.
Hey, the super's in my bathroom changing my showerhead.
- Have they changed yours? - No, he's doing mine next.
- They're low-flow, you know.
- Low-flow? Well, I don't like the sound of that.
So, what are your parents doing here in New York? Well, they were humiliated.
After the impeachment, my father left office in disgrace.
- So, what are their plans? - Well, this is the problem.
They're moving into this new development.
Here's the pamphlet.
"Del Boca Vista.
" But they're not quite ready to go back so they're in seclusion here for a while at Uncle Leo's.
The three of them in that tiny apartment? No, Leo's not there.
He's got a girlfriend, Lydia.
- In fact, he moved in with her.
- Uncle Leo's having regular sex? Yeah, I know, it devalues the whole thing.
- Hello.
- What time do we have to be at The Tonight Show on Thursday? - You gotta be there at 4:30.
- But it comes on at 11:30.
Yeah, well, they tape it in the afternoon and then they air it at 11:30.
- How long they been doing this? - Thirty years.
Helen, did you know that they tape this thing in the afternoon? All right.
I'll see you later.
Georgie, how come your parents never moved to Florida? Yeah, that is odd, isn't it? - Yeah, it is.
- I mean, they're retired.
There's no economic reason for them to be here.
They have no friends.
No social reason for them to be here.
- You're all grown-up.
- Yeah, they're through ruining my life.
What the hell are they still doing here? Let me see this pamphlet.
All right, I'll I'll get back to you.
- Hello? - Where can I buy some ice? Your father likes a lot of ice.
I don't know.
Maybe get an ice tray? - I can do that.
- You know, Dad just called me.
Yeah, I know.
His phlebitis is acting up.
Yeah.
All right.
Well, I got some people here.
- Okay.
- All right, bye.
- You see this? - What? Any thought pops into their head, they call me because it's a local call now.
I'm used to a 1200-mile buffer zone.
I can't handle this.
Plus, I got the dinners, I got the pop-ins.
- They pop in.
It's brutal.
- Any idea when they're going back? The only way out is if Leo breaks up with his girlfriend and moves back in.
Then they would have to go back to Florida.
How's that gonna happen? It's about time you called your uncle.
We gotta do this once a week.
Once a week? So how's Lydia? She's a real tiger.
I don't know how you do it.
- What? - Well, a man like you limiting yourself to one woman.
I don't know.
It's none of my business.
What are you talking about? - Well - Look at this.
I told them medium rare.
It's medium.
- It happens.
- I bet that cook is an anti-Semite.
He has no idea who you are.
They don't just overcook a hamburger, Jerry.
Fine.
Anyway, the point I was making before Goebbels made your hamburger here is this: A man like you could be dating women 20 years younger.
Come on, Uncle Leo, I've seen the way women look at you.
When's the last time you looked in the mirror? You're an Adonis.
You've got beautiful features, lovely skin.
You're in the prime of your life here.
You should be swinging.
If I were you, I'd tell this Lydia character: "It's been real.
" Move back into that bachelor pad and put out a sign: "Open for business.
" Believe me, I thought about it but she is so perfect in every way, I can't see a flaw.
Well, keep looking.
Oh, hi, Mr.
Peterman.
Do you realize how short the Kalahari Bushmen are? I'm gonna look like a giant to those guys.
I'm afraid I have some bad news, Elaine.
It appears you will not be accompanying me to Africa.
What? Why not? I'm afraid it's your urine, Elaine.
You've tested positive for opium.
- Opium? - That's right, Elaine.
White Lotus.
Yam-yam.
Shanghai Sally.
Well, that's impossible.
I've never done a drug in my life.
Dr.
Strugatz must have made a mistake.
Not a chance.
I'm afraid I'll just have to find someone else to accompany me on my journey.
The Dark Continent is no place for an addict, Elaine.
Obviously, Mr.
Peterman, there's something wrong with this test.
I don't take opium.
Let me take another one, please? I'll call the doctor right now.
I'll take a pop urine test.
- All right, Elaine.
- Oh, thank you, Mr.
Peterman.
I'll be ready in three minutes.
Boy, it's cold outside, huh? Oh, these New York winters.
Bitter cold.
Bitter.
I was out for five minutes before.
I couldn't feel my extremities.
What extremities? You know what the temperature in Florida is today? Seventy-nine.
That's almost 80.
Yeah, I read someplace, the life expectancy in Florida is 81.
And in Queens, 73.
So, George, why are you here? What, I can't stop by and visit my parents? What's this? That's where the Seinfelds are moving.
They got a great deal.
- Yeah? - You know what they got in Florida? Jai alai.
You bet on the games, you clean up.
- I don't bet.
- Well, what about the dolphins? You can swim with the dolphins there.
I don't swim.
Well, you could pet them.
They come right out of the water onto the sidewalks.
Are you trying to get rid of us? "Rid"? Ma, come on.
The word is "care.
" "Care.
" I care about your comfort.
Be it here in Queens or 1200 miles away.
No? Jerry.
Jerry! - You too, huh? - Yeah.
These showers are horrible.
There's no pressure.
- I can't get the shampoo out.
- Me either.
If I don't have a good shower, I am not myself.
I feel weak and ineffectual.
- I'm not Kramer.
- You? What about me? I got The Tonight Show tonight.
I'm gonna have to shower in the dressing room.
- Where you going? - Well, I gotta find another shower.
- They got you too? - This is awful.
I'm not Newman.
- Oh, Elaine.
Yeah.
- Kramer, you look terrible.
Yeah.
I need the keys to your apartment.
I gotta take a shower.
- What's wrong with your shower? - There's no water pressure.
- Why didn't you go see Jerry? - Jerry's got nothing.
Newman's got nothing.
You're the one who's got the good stuff.
And I need it bad, baby, because I feel like I got bugs crawling up my skin.
- Now, you gotta help me out.
- Not on my watch! I won't have you turning my office into a den of iniquity! - What's wrong with you? - Get your fix somewhere else! Go on, beat it! - Mr.
Peterman, what are you doing? - Elaine, you're out of control.
You need help.
I know what you're going through.
I, too, once fell under the spell of opium.
It was 1979.
I was traveling the Yangtze in search of a Mongolian horsehair vest.
Oh, for God's sake.
I had got to the market after sundown.
All of the clothing traders had gone.
But a different sort of trader still lurked.
"Just a taste," he said.
That was all it took.
Mr.
Peterman, I don't know what's going on here.
I am not addicted to anything.
Oh, Elaine.
The toll road of denial is a long and dangerous one.
The price? Your soul.
Oh, and by the way, you have till 5:00 to clear out your desk.
You're fired.
- All they serve is chicken? - There's more food down the hall.
Here, wrap it up.
We'll take it home.
- Oh, hey.
- Oh, hi.
Hello, Seinfelds.
- Hello.
- Hi, Estelle.
This is your dressing room? They treat you like Toscanini.
Oh, Jerry, I don't know how you can do this.
I'm so nervous for you.
Actually, I'm drunk.
Hey.
Hey, how is Florida, huh? We just bought a new place down there.
I know.
We were looking at the brochure.
- You what? - Why, you thinking of moving? - Not really.
- Because if you are, you shouldn't.
There's nothing available there.
Are you telling me there's not one condo available in Del Boca Vista? That's right.
They went like hotcakes.
- How'd you get yours? - Got lucky.
Are you trying to keep us out of Del Boca Vista? I know this doesn't seem like work to you but if you'd conduct the psychopath convention down the hall so I could just get a little personal space.
How could I have tested positive twice? Once, I can understand.
That's a mistake.
But twice? Yeah, it's hard to figure.
I mean, I've lost my job.
I can't go to Africa.
I was gonna meet the Bushmen of the Kalahari.
- The Bushmen? - And the Bushwomen.
Excuse me.
I couldn't help overhearing.
I notice you're eating a poppy seed muffin there.
Yeah, I eat these muffins all the time.
Well, you know what opium is made from.
Poppies! Welcome back.
Talking with Jerry Seinfeld.
Jerry, let me ask you, I saw some people back there they look lik e family.
Is that family? - I got some family backstage.
My family's nuts.
They're crazy.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
My Uncle Leo, I had lunch with him the other day.
He's one of these guys that anything goes wrong he blames anti-Semitism.
Know what I mean? The spaghetti's not al dente? Cook, anti-Semite.
- Right there, yeah.
- Loses a bet on a horse? - Secretariat, anti-Semitic.
- Even the horse Even the animal.
The High Holy Days in the temple? Rabbi, anti-Semite.
Listen to this.
My Uncle Leo broke up with his girlfriend because of my bit.
She thought it was funny, so he accused her of being an anti-Semite.
They had a fight, now he's moving back to his apartment.
Know what this means? My parents are gonna go back to Florida.
What? What number is this? Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
Kramer, my parents are gonna have to move back to Florida.
Isn't that great? Yeah, well, I'm really happy for you.
Hey, you're not giving it to me, man.
What's wrong? I just took a bath, Jerry.
A bath.
- No good? - It's disgusting.
I'm sitting there in a tepid pool of my own filth.
All kinds of microscopic parasites and organisms having sex all around me.
Well, you used to sit in that hot tub.
Jerry, that was super-heated water.
Nothing could live in that.
- Chicken? - Oh, yeah.
Well, this you're not gonna believe.
I found out why I was testing positive for opium.
- Poppy seeds.
- Poppy seeds.
- Yep, that makes sense.
- Yeah.
- Here you want some chicken? - Yeah, thanks.
So I'm gonna get tested again later.
Hopefully I'll get my job back, and I will be on my way to Africa.
Hello, Newman.
Hello, Jerry.
Well, I may have a solution to our little problem.
- Elaine, will you excuse us? - Oh, come on, Newman.
I have a private matter to discuss with my fellow tenants.
If you don't mind - Jerry - Look, sister, go get yourself a cup of coffee, all right? Beat it.
All right.
Now, here's the lowdown.
Through a certain connection l've been able to locate some black-market showerheads.
They're all made in the former Yugoslavia.
And from what I hear, the Serbs are fanatic about their showers.
Not from the footage I've seen.
Nevertheless, sometime this afternoon behind the market diner, an unmarked van will be waiting.
I'm expecting the call at any time.
- Are you in? - I'm down.
Jerry? So, Georgie, we have some big news for you.
- Big news? - We're moving to Florida.
What? You're moving to Florida? That's wonderful.
I'm so happy! For you! I'm so happy for you! Oh, what do you need this cold weather for? Has nothing to do with weather.
- It's because of the Seinfelds.
- What do you mean? They don't want us there, so we're going.
We're moving right into Del Boca Vista! - So you're moving there for spite.
- Absolutely.
No one tells Frank Costanza what to do! That's right! Who the hell are they? How dare they? So, Georgie, are you gonna come to visit us? Oh, every chance I get.
Jerry, Jerry! I'm busting, I'm busting! - Well, what's going on? - My parents are moving to Florida! - Are you kidding? - Can you believe it? It's happening! It's finally happening, I'm free! - Well, where are they moving to? - Del Boca Vista.
That's where my parents are gonna live.
- I know.
- We can visit together.
Every five years! - That's incredible.
- You know why they're moving there? - Why? - To spite your parents.
- To spite my parents? - Yeah.
- Your parents are crazy.
- I know, they're out of their mind.
- I don't believe it.
- Fantastic.
- My parents are moving back too.
- Beautiful! I'm sorry Leo's moving back here.
I'm not ready to go back to Florida.
He was getting along so well with that woman.
What happened? Hello? - This is Frank Costanza.
- What do you want? You think you can k eep us out of Florida? We're moving in lock, stock and barrel.
We're gonna be in the pool.
We're gonna be in the clubhouse.
We're gonna be all over that shuffleboard court and I dare you to keep me out! I'm sorry, we can't go back to Florida.
I can't believe I didn't push for this sooner.
You have no idea how your life is gonna improve as a result of this.
Food tastes better.
The air seems fresher.
You'll have more energy and self-confidence than you ever dreamed of.
- Hello.
- Hello, Jerry, it's your father.
- Oh, hi, Dad.
- Is it all right if we move in with you for a little while? - What was that? - Nothing.
A bottle broke, that's all.
What do you mean, you're gonna move in here? Because the Costanzas are moving in to Del Boca Vista.
- But it's a big complex.
- You don't understand.
You gotta have a buffer zone.
All right, fine.
Come over here.
What? They're not going back to Florida.
- They're moving here.
- What? Why? Because your parents are going down there.
My buffer zone just went from You gotta do something.
Hey, I'm sorry.
You had your buffer zone for many years.
It's my time to live, baby.
You know what you're doing, don't you? You're killing independent Jerry.
I gotta go see my Uncle Leo.
I think he may have made a big mistake.
- Move back with Lydia? - Come on.
You're lucky to have anybody.
Last week you told me I was in my prime.
I should be swinging.
Swinging? What, are you out of your mind? Look at you.
You're disgusting.
You're bald.
You're paunchy.
All kinds of sounds are emanating from your body 24 hours a day.
If there's a woman that can take your presence for more than 10 seconds you should hang on to her like grim death.
Which is not far off, by the way.
- But she's an anti-Semite.
- Can you blame her? You don't think he minds us staying here, do you? Why would he mind? We're his parents.
- Hi, Elaine.
- Hello.
- Jerry's not here? - No.
- Oh, my God.
- What? A poppy seed.
It must have been in the chicken.
Oh, I'm dead.
I'm going to the doctor's in a half an hour.
- Why? - It's a long story.
Just a second.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Wait.
What are you gonna do in there? What am I gonna do in the bathroom? You gotta do me a favour.
- Elaine, I really have - Hold on a second, Mrs.
Seinfeld.
I need your sample.
You want my urine? I need a clean urine sample from a woman.
- I don't know.
- Oh, please, Mrs.
Seinfeld, please? Well, what am I gonna do it in? - Well, one of those glasses.
- Jerry's glasses? Oh, yeah.
He won't mind.
Come on, you're his mom.
I could Should I use a coffee cup? - Yeah, coffee cup's fine.
- Or maybe I could use a juice glass.
Yes, yes.
Fine, fine.
A juice glass.
It's perfect.
- This one is kind of scratched.
- It doesn't matter.
- All right.
How? A milk glass.
- A milk glass, a juice glass.
- Any glass, just pick a glass.
- Jerry really doesn't wash these very well.
- Mrs.
Seinfeld, choose a glass.
Pick a glass, Mrs.
Seinfeld.
All right.
I got everything here.
I got the Cyclone F series Hydra Jet Flow, Stockholm Superstream, you name it.
What do you recommend? - What are you looking for? - Power, man, power.
Like Silkwood.
- That's for radiation.
- That's right.
Now, what is this? That's the Commando 450.
I don't sell that one.
No, that's what we want, the Commando 450.
No, believe me.
That's only used in the circus for elephants.
- Just give it to us.
- We'll pay anything.
- Give me the money.
- We've got the - What about Jerry? - He couldn't handle that.
He's delicate.
It's nice being back at Leo's.
Jerry's place was too small.
First Leo breaks up, then he goes back.
What the hell's going on? - Who is it? - It's the super.
We're installing new low-flow showerheads in all the bathrooms.
Low-flow? I don't like the sound of that.
So as a result of your test being free of opium I am reinstating you.
- Oh, yes! What a load off.
So when are we going to Africa? I'm afraid I can't take you.
What? Why not? Elaine, according to your urine analysis, you're menopausal.
You have the metabolism of a 68-year-old woman.
But I wanted to see the Bushmen.
Oh, and one more thing.
You may have osteoporosis.
- Well, it's been a great visit.
- Jerry, I'll tell you.
First thing I'm gonna do when I get back to Florida is take a shower.
At least the Costanzas changed their mind about moving.
- They couldn't bear leaving George.
- George must be happy about that.
You have no idea.
Take my swim trunks.
I won't need them.
What does he want with your swim trunks? Why should they go to waste? Oh, yeah.