The Middle s07e16 Episode Script

1 [Crow caws.]
Frankie: Cultures around the world celebrate coming-of-age in different ways.
Out here in the middle, we don't do much unless we have a Jewish friend.
Jewish people know how to party.
It was catered by Stuckey's, and Josh got to read from this giant scroll, and the font was insane.
I want all my books in scroll from now on.
Plus, they're letting me keep the hat.
I'm gonna wear it to church next week.
Wow.
Sounds like a hell of a Bar Mitzvah.
Oh, it was.
But here's what I don't get Josh Goldstein is several inches shorter and a whole year younger than me, and he's a man now? But I'm not? I don't get it.
That's just how it is in Josh's culture.
It's what they do.
Well, do we have something like that in our culture? We're Protestants.
We just try to obey the commandments and keep our heads down.
Really? You sure there isn't some ceremony we were supposed to do but you didn't feel like doing it, so you just floated it to some unknown date and then pretended you forgot? If there was something, we certainly would have done that, but honestly, there's not.
So, how do I know when I'm a man? Well, that's a tough one.
I guess technically, you're a man when you turn 18.
[Axl groaning.]
And sometimes not even then.
No, Axl, no! I told you if you're gonna be here, you got to keep your crap in your room away from the rest of our crap.
And when are you gonna find your own place, anyway? I want you out of here.
Actually, I'm moving out today.
- Aw! - Yep.
Savor your last moments with me 'cause after today, I'm dust.
Hutch and I landed ourselves a sweet new pad, which we're totally stoked about.
[Air horn honks.]
Why, there's my house now.
[Laughs.]
Brilliant, isn't it? While you suckers are stuck here throwing money away on this pit, we are taking a mobile house party wherever we go.
Where did you even get this thing? Where does anyone get anything awesome? Police auction.
You can't even tell this was once a mobile crack den.
It started at $600 then got up to $800 before we realized we were the only ones bidding.
Which, by the way, is only two months' rent, so who's laughing now? The crackheads who get to live in prison instead of this thing.
[Scoffs.]
Okay.
Anyway, once we get settled in on campus, we'll have you guys over.
Or we'll come over here.
Either way.
Yeah, we can have you over at our house at your house.
[Axl laughs.]
How are you not seeing how genius this is? Axl, did you two ev Just let him go.
Wi-Fi locked.
Wi-Fi locked.
Oh! There we go! - "Grandma's Wi-Fi" - Oh.
[Laughs.]
which means, if my calculations are correct, the password will be "Password.
" - [Snaps fingers.]
- I'm in.
Yes! Drop anchor! [Brakes squeak.]
- [Engine shuts off.]
- Yeah.
Phew! Free Wi-Fi and a perfect view.
Hey, look, we're right by the psych building.
I'm only gonna be 10 minutes late to class tomorrow instead of 20.
- Oh, hell, yes.
- [Laughs.]
Hey, do you want to order Chinese or something? Share a first meal in our new home? Oh, I'm on it.
Oh, hang on a sec.
Let me just lean my head out the window and find out what our address is.
Oh! Oh.
So the shirtless model is now gonna be a priest? Mm-hmm.
Okay, what church is that? 'Cause I will be there every Sunday.
[Chuckles.]
Right? [Laughs.]
Well, you seem to be handling it really well.
Yeah.
You know what? I am.
I mean, sure, I liked having Logan as my imaginary boyfriend, but I think he stopped me from really putting myself out there.
I mean, I'm in college.
I am supposed to be having fun and meeting all different kinds of people.
And I haven't really been doing that.
I haven't really let people know that I'm available.
Totally.
In high school, I dated the same guy all four years, and I missed out on a ton of stuff.
His dad owned an island, and every time my friends wanted to go out, I was like, "I can't.
I have to go to the island.
" Anyway, there's a party Saturday on the fourth floor.
Should be a lot of hot guys there.
Are you in? Oh, I am so in.
Sue Heck is on the prowl! [Chuckles, growls.]
[Laughs.]
Don't worry.
I won't do that in public.
That was just for us.
[Laughs.]
Thanks for agreeing to talk to me.
Well, you stood outside my bathroom door for 20 minutes.
I couldn't wait you out any longer.
I'm trying to wrap my mind around this man thing.
Without a demarcation, how will I know when I'm there? In Josh's culture, it's age 13.
In "Planet Nowhere," the Silligans reach manhood at 1,006 when their ears fall off.
I'm finding this whole Protestant ambiguity very unnerving.
Look, Brick, when you're a man, you'll know.
There's no exact date.
You just, you know feel it.
So when did you know? [Inhales deeply.]
Well, I guess when I was 16 and my mom died.
Makes you grow up fast.
Is there another way? 'Cause I'd really rather not have to kill off Mom.
[Chuckles.]
You know, Brick, there is something.
In some cultures, a boy becomes a man when he learns how to take out the trash by himself and replace the bag.
[Both laughing.]
Oh, man! We got a ticket! Oh, it's a cool.
Just a flier for Courthouse Pizza.
We've been sentenced to 8 to 10 delicious slices.
Oh, this day just keeps getting better and better! [Chuckles.]
[Gunfire.]
[Sighs.]
Why is Kenny here? Did you invite him to be our roommate again? Yeah, I invited Kenny to live with us.
I thought, "Hey, you know what this tiny living space needs? A giant third person.
" Well, maybe he just came by to say hi.
What? He talked that one time.
It could happen again.
Hey, Kenny.
How you doing? Yeah, it's, uh, good to see you, man.
How long are you here to visit? [Gunfire continues.]
- I don't get it.
- Pbht.
We know he can talk now.
Yeah, now he's just being a jerk.
Well, he can't stay with us.
I know.
Guess you're just gonna have to go tell him.
Me? I'm not gonna tell him.
You tell him.
I can't tell him.
I was his roommate for three years.
It's gonna break his heart.
Well, I can't do it.
Kenny loves me.
Do you ever notice he only eats my cereal and doesn't even touch yours? Mm, fine.
We'll both tell him.
We'll tell him it's nothing personal, but with such a small space, there's just no way we can make it work.
[Gunfire.]
[Sighs.]
Look, Sue, I know you're nervous, but don't be.
You've got this.
Now get in there and be unforgettable.
[Clears throat.]
- [Growls.]
- No.
[Soft music playing.]
Hi.
Sue Heck.
Nice to meet you.
Sue Heck.
How's it going? I was in an imaginary relationship with a shirtless priest, but now I am totally free and looking for action.
[Gasps.]
Oh.
That sounded kind of slutty.
Now, if you're looking for that kind of girl, you'd better look someplace else 'cause that is not me.
[Chuckles.]
Let me So you ever had a concussion? [Coughing.]
So I decided it was a bromance.
- Uh, are you okay? - I'm fine.
[Garbled.]
They say if you can talk, you're not choking.
[Coughs.]
That's a lie.
I am choking.
Please save me.
- [Coughs.]
- [Clatters.]
[Gasps, sniffles.]
[Clears throat.]
Well, I guess we have our meet-cute story.
[Chuckles.]
I suck at flirting.
You're not at college to flirt.
- You're there to learn.
- [Sighs.]
Don't you have to go shut down some dancing in "Footloose" town? Honey, don't be so hard on yourself.
I'm sure you're fine at flirting.
No, Mom, I'm really not.
Last night, I tried to talk to a guy, and I almost died.
- [Scoffs.]
- Not metaphorically.
Literally.
He had to Heimlich me.
I heard it's on YouTube.
Aw, well, listen, I think you're just perfect.
Although, if you want some advice, I mean, I could give you a few tweaks.
Mom, I need tweaks.
Tweak away.
Oh! Well, I mean, I can't think of any one Oh, your walk.
What's wrong with my walk? Nothing! It's great! It's just like it's a cross between a 5-year-old and Tigger.
Let me show you.
So, you go something like this which is great, but when you're trying to be attractive to a guy, you might want to just slow it down.
Okay? You just want to glide across the floor gracefully, you know? Work your hips, move your arms.
When have you ever walked like that? [Scoffs.]
Oh, I got moves.
I got tons of moves.
I'm just not gonna waste them on you.
Okay, go ahead.
You try.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
You're getting it.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, work your arms.
Oh, my God, I forgot how to walk.
Okay, forget the walk.
Just get to wherever you're going, and sit down immediately.
Here, I'll show you.
[Clears throat.]
And, anyway, the walk isn't important.
It's about confidence.
Here.
Pretend your dad's a cute guy.
[Grumbles.]
All right.
Now, you just kind of want to be alluring.
You might want to take off the two pair of Rite Aid glasses.
[Sighs.]
[Glasses clack.]
Okay.
Now, ask me a question.
Can I go? No.
You can't.
[Chuckles.]
See? See? Words are easy, but even more is said in the silences.
So you get something in your head, but you don't say it.
See what I'm doing? I'm being mysterious.
- [Bag rustling.]
- Oh.
Oh, and listen, when you sit, you you kind of want to be slinking into it.
Like, think of "S" shapes.
Okay, I got it.
Walk without thinking.
Think without talking.
Slink without sitting.
Okay.
Okay.
Mm-hmm.
[Groans.]
I can't do the garbage.
Mom's healthier than ever.
I'm never gonna be a man.
Oh, for God's sake, you're gonna be a man.
Sue's gonna learn how to walk.
Everyone around here just has to stop making such a big deal out of stuff.
I don't know, Dad.
The clock's ticking.
And I'm not learning anything about being a man just following you around.
I was thinking maybe I could pick up some tips from the guys at your work.
[Sighs.]
[Knock on door.]
- Pizza! - Boom! [Grunts, chuckles.]
I'm gonna need to see your license and registration.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we know the drill.
We have the right to delicious pizza.
Any topping we say may be charged against us for an extra 75 cents.
- [Imitates radio static.]
- Can you just give us our pizza? This RV's been parked here for two days, and this area of campus isn't zoned for a vehicle of this size.
You're gonna have to move this thing immediately.
Immediately after we eat the pizza we ordered? You know, if I start writing this, it's a $350 ticket.
Anchor up.
Anchor up! Is this for school? No, it's more of a personal research project.
So, when did you know you were a man? When I woke up smelling smoke and I carried my little brother through the fiery inferno, ignoring the excruciating pain until I found the safety of our parents.
Well, our house is a tinderbox.
Man: I remember back when I was in Prairie Scouts, I had all the badges except for one.
Then my mom lost my sash.
My troop leader told me that if I couldn't keep track of my sash, maybe I wasn't a man.
[Voice breaking.]
It's possible I'm not one.
[Inhales sharply, sighs.]
Listen here, baby Mike.
You can't become a man until you get out from under the tyranny of the man.
I was about your age when I went over the walls of my prison.
"Eat your vegetables, Chuck.
Don't date your teachers, Chuck.
" You can't become a man under that kind of oppression.
So I inked up, got a busboy job at Chi-Chi's, and, uh, became the awesome man you see in front of you today.
Okay, let's get back to work.
Let's go.
Shane had to go home sick, so I'm taking over his load of rocks.
You guys, get started on area six.
Can I come with you? Mike: No, you stay here.
But riding in a truck sounds like it would be a very manly thing to do.
It's a safety issue, Brick.
- Please? - No! Stop asking me.
Come on, Mike.
Take the kid on a ride.
Every day's a gift.
Don't you see? This could be it.
This could be the moment.
This could be the story I tell my kids someday when they ask me the same question.
Fine.
Here.
I'll tell you what, I'll even let you pull the lever to release the rocks.
Yes! Who's the man now, Josh Goldstein?! [Chuckles.]
[Grunts.]
Hey.
There's my working men! How'd it go? Why don't I let Brick tell you? - Oh, no.
- Oh, yeah.
He dumped two tons of rocks on the trailer steps and trapped my crew inside.
I had to pull five guys out of the hole to get the other three out.
Jim had a panic attack.
But you said I could pull the lever.
Yeah, 'cause I thought you were smart enough to wait to pull the lever until you got the word.
- Apparently, I was mistaken.
- [Sighs.]
You keep on asking me when you're gonna be a man.
Let me tell you.
You're not even close.
But I-I don't want to hear it.
Go someplace where I can't see you.
[Sighs.]
Mike.
I know.
[Sighs.]
Oh, silly baby, don't you cry Lexie: Okay, this party's gonna go way better.
I know a bunch of these guys.
They're super-nice and totally friendly.
So just stick with me all night.
Lexie, let's bounce.
- Hey! - [Chuckles.]
Hi.
Hi.
I haven't seen you here before.
No, it's my first time.
What are you doing? I'm thinking something, but I'm not saying it.
Well, I'm thinking about something and I am saying it.
I'm gonna go over there.
[Chuckles, groans.]
Ah.
Where's Kenny? Don't know.
Haven't seen him.
Yeah, I haven't seen him, either for days.
What? When's the last time he was here? Was he with us when we got kicked out of the Walmart lot? No.
Uh, what about when we got kicked out of those rich people's driveway? Not then, either.
[Grunts.]
Huh.
You told him we were going to the football stadium, right? Oh, my God, we lost Kenny.
This is horrible.
He probably thinks we ditched him.
Or he overheard us talking about why we didn't want him.
Why did we think we didn't want him? He's the coolest roommate ever.
He pays his rent on time.
He only talks when it's important.
It's okay.
We'll explain.
We'll just call him and tell him where we are.
- I don't have his number.
- Me, either.
Wait, what's his last name? Ooh, let me think.
Uh, something with an "L" or a "T"or some other letter.
[Sighs.]
Look, he talked one time.
- He never mentioned his last name.
- Okay, we can solve this.
We'll just drive around near the buildings where his classes are, and we'll look for him.
What's his major? Oh, come on, man! Hey, I'm gonna find Kenny, or my name's not Axl Heck, and your name's not Hutch Wait, what what's your last name? Hutchinson.
- What's your first name? - Charles.
- Really? - Yes.
Okay, as soon as we find Kenny, we are all filling out emergency contact forms.
Hey, hey, Lexie.
Lexie, I'm gonna take off, okay? Already? Yeah, yeah.
I have a really big test in 12 days that I need to study for, so Okay, let me just say bye to this guy.
He was just telling me about the time that he got to go to the Grammys with his cousin Justin Timberlake.
Blah, blah, blah, right? Totally.
No, no, no, but you you're having fun.
You stay.
Ah, I'll catch the campus Safe Ride.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
Okay.
[Indistinct chatter.]
[Sighs.]
- Where to? - Willard dorm.
- You got it.
- [Clears throat.]
So, uh, how was the party? Eh, it was definitely time for me to leave.
You got here fast.
Yeah, it's a pretty slow night.
Usually, by now, I've gotten barfed on.
[Both laugh.]
So, are you in a sorority, or No, no.
I decided it wasn't my thing when none of them picked me.
[Chuckles.]
I was just at the party 'cause, uh I don't know.
I shouldn't have gone.
And I took flirting advice from my mom, which was a bad idea.
[Chuckles.]
Hey, my mom still sends me care packages with stickers on them, so Aww, that's cute.
Oh, yeah, it's it's adorable, actually.
And inside, she includes clipped-out articles, which is great 'cause then I have to walk a mile to the post office to pick up an article - I could've read online, so - [Chuckles.]
I get articles, too, from my grandma.
The last one I got was on the lost art of cursive.
[Both laugh.]
The thing about Sue is she's someone who always tries so hard.
And for the most part, that's a good thing.
But sometimes, you really show your best self when you stop trying.
[Laughs.]
I know you don't like that movie.
I'm sorry.
- I know.
- [Chuckles.]
Well, I guess you're my last drop-off of the night.
Mm-hmm.
I had fun.
I had fun, too.
Sorry about all the drunk girls.
Oh, no, that's okay.
I enjoy a good Meghan Trainor sing-along.
[Chuckles.]
All right, well, thank you.
Have a good night.
Oh, I-I got to watch you walk inside.
You got to watch me walk? Yeah, it's policy.
What the hell? Go ahead and watch.
[Chuckles.]
So maybe the evening didn't start out so great, but it's amazing what a night of riding shotgun on the campus Safe Ride can do for your confidence.
- [Exhales sharply.]
- Thank you! You helped me! You really did! [Indistinct chatter.]
I got to tell you I'm getting worried.
I mean, we checked our old house.
We checked all the Best Buys.
He might really be gone.
Oh, man.
There's never gonna be another Kenny pbht! - whatever his last name is.
- Yeah.
I'll never forget the first and last thing he said to us.
[Sighs.]
I just hate to think about him out there being all alone.
And what if he doesn't have enough batteries for his game? Wait a minute.
Video games.
We can find him online! No time to talk.
We're just here for the Wi-Fi.
All right.
[Grunts.]
Okay.
All right, check all the breached rooms.
Kenny? Are you here? Kenny? Come on.
We got to find him! All right, you know what? I'm gonna check another room.
And I got a good feeling about this one.
I can feel his presence.
Kenny? - Kenny?! - [Soda can opens.]
[Controller clacks.]
- Kenny! - You're alive! [Laughs.]
Oh, man! He's like a dog.
He found his way home.
Oh, Kenny's leaving? It was kind of nice having you here.
The Internet's faster, and all our photos are on the cloud now.
Thank you, Mrs.
Heck.
As Axl and Hutch know, my family situation isn't typical, so I appreciate the hospitality.
And I'd love to get your chicken salad recipe.
Oh, that's from the "Eat it Today" section at the Frugal Hoosier.
But you got to do the sniff test first.
All right.
Good to have you back, buddy.
Hey.
Why are you picking me up? I thought I was supposed to take the bus.
Cindy gets mad if I don't save her a seat.
She'll get over it.
No, she won't.
[Sighs.]
Listen, Brick, I'm sorry about what happened the other day.
I shouldn't have blown up at you.
That wasn't your fault.
That was mine.
When you kept asking if you could ride in the truck, I should have stuck to my guns when I said no.
So that's on me.
No, it was my fault.
I shouldn't have touched anything without asking you first.
Hey, wait.
I feel like that was kind of man-like taking responsibility for my actions.
That's a good start.
You know, you keep asking what it means to be a man, and the truth is there's not just one way.
Every morning, you get up, there's a thousand chances to do the right thing, be a good man.
Hopefully, you get most of them right.
You're not gonna get all of them right.
You're just trying to stay above .
500.
I just have one question.
Baseball.
Ah, right.
Got it.
- Oh, hey.
- [Brakes squeak.]
I know that, uh, having some sort of a demarcation was important to you, so I got you something.
[Chuckles.]
Wow.
- This is awesome! - [Chuckles.]
Thanks, Dad.
I've often felt the siren song of plaid, but I always thought it was your thing.
I'll try to live up to it.
All right.
Okay, you got to be patient.
Let the juices pool first.
You only want to flip it once.
Not now.
Not now.
Now.
[Meat sizzles.]
I did it! Congratulations, son.
- ["Hava Nagila" plays.]
- Wow.
- Look at that.
- I know! That was much easier.