Frasier s07e17 Episode Script

How's your coffee? Oh, good.
Good.
Yours? Very nice.
That's good.
Marty we have no reason to be uncomfortable.
We're two consenting adults.
What about your husband? He never consented.
Stan loved you, Martin, and he loved me.
If anything, he's up in heaven right now watching us and smiling.
You don't think he was watching the whole time, do you? Not if heaven gets ESPN.
Come on, now, stop feeling guilty.
Okay.
Hello, Dad! Oh, Fras! You remember Claire Wojadubakowski? Yes, of course.
Hello, Mrs.
Wojadubakowski.
Good to see you again.
Gosh, I'm sorry again about your loss.
Oh, thank you.
FRASIER: He was a good man, your husband.
Dad's often said if it weren't for Stan, he wouldn't have made it through the academy.
Isn't that right? That's right.
And didn't he lend you the money for you first car? Yeah yeah, he did.
Of course, we all owe him for introducing Dad to Mom.
Oh, God You know, Marty, I think we'd better go.
Oh, of course.
Well, Claire, it was lovely seeing you again.
Uh, please give my regards to your son, Martin.
Oh, God Oh, hi, Roz.
Hey, Frasier.
Why don't you join me? Well, aren't you here with Niles? No.
Actually, I haven't been seeing much of Niles lately.
He spends all his time with Mel.
Uh Well, that's what happens at the beginning of relationships.
Can I have a decaf latte, please? Yes, and I'll have my usual.
Thank you.
Gosh, I do hope he hasn't forgotten me completely.
We have wine club tonight.
I'm sort of counting on him to help me become Corkmaster.
But you'll still keep yoursecretidentity as Frasier Crane, right? Corkmaster is the most prestigious position in our club.
If elected, I plan to have vertical tastings and guest speakers, perhaps even a trip to Portugal where some of the world's finest corks come from.
I wish I had a cork right now.
That's very funny, Roz.
Anyway, I do hope Niles shows up.
You know, Mel has a way of making him change his mind at the last minute.
You know, I think she's a bit manipulative.
Based on what? Well I don't know, a feeling.
So you really don't know her that well? That's true.
You know, I really haven't given her much of a chance, I suppose.
Well, I suppose I could put together a a little get-to-know-you event-- a-a Sunday brunch, perhaps.
There you go.
Yes, that's a good idea, Roz.
Of course, I don't want to make it seem like she's under the family microscope.
You know, maybe you could come along.
Oh, I guess I could.
Great! Oh, and by Sunday, you'll be Corkman.
Corkmaster.
Thank you, Roz.
Actually, I won't know until after the election tonight, but you know, I'll let you know.
Or I could just look up in the sky for the cork signal.
Very amusing, Roz.
If you win, I'd love a ride in the Corkmobile.
All right, Roz! (knocking on door) MEL: Niles? Oh, don't you look dashing! I brought you a nice bottle of Cheval Blanc Oh! to impress the wine club.
Mrs.
Briggs gave it to me as a thank-you after her last face lift.
Yes, that's what they're saying about Mrs.
Briggs.
Oh, this is the perfect occasion for me to bring this wine.
We're electing a new president tonight.
Oh? Yes.
And I promised Frasier I'd nominate him.
Oh, did I mention brunch at Frasier's tomorrow? Oh, yes, darling.
Well, I'm so happy my rare and expensive bottle will benefit your brother.
Oh, that tie's all wrong.
Let me? Yes, of course, of course.
Yes, well, uh, ever since the day he joined the wine club, Frasier's dreamed of becoming Corkmaster.
Oh good choice.
I think it's wonderful-- I really do-- helping your brother win this prestigious post.
Well, Frasier deserves it.
Because, uh, he knows more about wine than you do.
I wouldn't say that.
Well, he's probably been in the club longer.
No, actually, I sponsored his membership.
Oh! Well, so you've never wanted that honor for yourself? I wouldn't saynever.
Who hasn't nursed the dream of one day becoming Corkmaster? Well, I'm sure Frasier at least asked if you were interested.
Well, now that you mention it, no, he didn't.
Oh.
And you don't resent it? Well you see, that's why I love you.
Because most people would.
I would bitterly, but then, I'm not you, and I don't know what's best for you.
And now the jacket's wrong.
You think I should call him on this? Oh, please, the last thing I want to do is come between you and your brother.
He knows perfectly well how much I've coveted this post.
I distinctly confided my aspirations to him the night Judge Rivington fell off the ferry after the spring tasting.
Well, I'm sure he just forgot.
No, no, don't defend him.
Here.
He's always putting himself first, and I always let him.
Why, Niles? Oh, I don't know.
I think perhaps it's because I'll tell you why.
Because you can't see yourself for what you really are.
You are a powerful sexy dynamic colossus of a man.
In other words the perfect Corkmaster.
I am, aren't I? Don't let anyone anyoneever take that away from you.
And now that's all I'm going to say, because I love you and I don't want to meddle.
FRASIER: Oh, Niles, finally you're here! Sorry I'm late.
No, that's all right.
It's just that the nominations are about to begin.
Now, look, here's what I thought we would do: After you nominate me, I will demure modestly for a moment and then I'll say something like I want to be Corkmaster.
Well, that's a bit artless, don't you think? No, no.
I want to be Corkmaster, too.
I covet this post as much as you do.
I always have, and I think I deserve a shot at it.
But, Niles, I've been campaigning for this all week.
I was counting on you to nominate me.
And I will.
I'm just hoping that you'll return the favor unless, that is, you're afraid of a little competition.
(silverware tapping glass) May I have your attention? My friends, as outgoing Corkmaster, I would like to thank those of you who stuck with me during the ugly days of Spritzergate.
But the time has come to pass the tasting cup.
Are there any nominations? Niles? It is an honor and a privilege to nominate my brother, Frasier Crane.
Fine.
Any others? Yes.
I would like to, uh, reciprocate and nominate my brother, Niles Crane.
CORKMASTER: Oh.
Well done.
And are there any further nominations? Well, then, um a show of hands, please, for those in favor of Frasier Crane.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, 11, 12, 13 And those in favor of Niles Crane.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.
Oh! 14.
(chuckling): Oh, a tie.
If only our venerable founder Virgil Hefflewhite were here to guide us.
VIRGIL: I'm over here! Oh, sorry, Virgil.
I didn't see you.
So, uh, what is the procedure? Blind taste-off.
Five bottles.
(spitting) FRASIER: Oh, for God's sake, Niles! That wine spent less time in the bottle.
All right, gentlemen, you have correctly identified the first three wines.
Let's see if number four can break the tie.
Niles? It was ripe, round and thoroughly seductive.
I said Australian Shiraz.
Uh-huh.
And Frasier, what did you think? Well, contrary to my brother, I thought it was dark, dusky and supple but I also said Australian Shiraz.
You're both right! We're still tied.
Well, Niles it's the moment of truth.
Don't choke.
Please.
Prepare to be stomped like a late-harvest Gewurztraminer.
Gentlemen? It was jammy, plummy, dense and chewy.
There is no doubt in my mind that it was a Napa Valley Merlot.
(all gasp) And you, Frasier? A nice, big wine with excellent heft.
It's Napa, all right, but as I always say, "Why go Merlot when you can call a cab?" Well I thought this bottle might trip you up.
Gentlemen, it's actually a blend of 45% cabernet And? And 55% Merlot! Niles wins by ten percent! Well, Niles, congratulations.
Obviously, the better man won, and Frasier, please.
No, Niles, don't be modest.
No, I wasn't.
They're starting my inauguration.
ALL: Hail Corkmaster The master of the cork He knows which wine goes with fish or pork Hail Corkmaster, the master of the cork The whole purpose of this brunch is to get to know Mel better, but it irks the hell out of me preparing a-a sumptuous brunch for Niles after the way he betrayed me at the wine club.
Oh, would you shut up about that Corkmaster thing? I already hate you for putting that song in my head.
(hushed): Okay, it's all clear.
Thanks for dropping off my Tupperware.
Oh, oh, it's no trouble at all.
I was headed out to church this morning and I thought, "Oh, Marty's right on the way.
" What's the matter with us? Oh, Martin, we have done nothing wrong.
I mean, maybe we were a little impetuous, but that's no crime.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Well, listen, thanks for dropping by, and-and I'll call you.
Mrs.
Wojadubakowski.
Yeah, look who just got here! Come on in.
How are you? Fine, fine.
I didn't even hear the doorbell ring.
What brings you here? Oh, she just, uh, brought me back my chili bowl.
Oh.
Well, thanks a lot, and I'll see you later.
No, Dad, where are your manners? Why don't you join us for brunch, Claire? I insist.
I'm not sure that we'll be able to give you a treat as spicy as the one that Dad gave you, but Yes, he does make very good chili.
FRASIER: Isn't that flattering, Dad? You know, I think someone wants seconds.
Uh, Fras, could I see you in the kitchen for a minute? Yes, of course.
Uh, Claire, you'll make yourself at home.
(chuckles) Oh, splendid idea, Roz-- Bloody Marys.
You know, why don't you offer one of those to Claire? Oh, I don't think she's got time.
I'll ask her.
Mrs.
Wojadubakowski, Mr.
Crane was wondering if you have time for a quick one? Look, uh, Frasier, there's something you should know about me and Claire.
We just slept together.
Are you sure? She just got here two minutes ago.
She was here earlier.
I just don't know what came over us.
You know, we couldn't keep our hands off each other.
We were like animals or sex-crazed teenagers.
Well, what's wrong with that? Well, I'll tell you what's wrong with that.
She's Stan's widow.
I mean, he didn't even like it when I borrowed his lawn mower.
Dad, listen, Stan's been gone a while now.
I mean, you're not teenagers.
You're two mature people reaching out for some companionship.
(doorbell rings) I think it's adorable.
"Adorable"? Oh, good morning, Dr.
Crane.
Hello, Daphne.
My, isn't that a beautiful outfit? Oh, thank you, Dr.
Crane.
How sweet.
So just beep me if you need me.
Oh, greetings, all.
Uh, Mel, I think you know everyone.
Hello, Mel.
Hello.
Oh, Mrs.
Wojadubakowski, what a nice surprise.
Uh, this is Mel Karnofsky.
Hello.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
Martin, I really have to be getting to church.
Oh, yeah, sure, okay.
Well, I'll just walk you out.
And by the way, I'm so sorry to hear about your husband.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
I understand Dad's been doing what he can to fill the void.
MARTIN: See you.
May I pour you a Bloody Mary, Mel? MEL: Not for me.
It's a little early in the day for hard liquor, don't you think? Not anymore.
Niles, let's get this gravlax in the refrigerator.
Oh, hello, Eddie.
Or should I say good-bye? Huh? Well, Martin, I'm sure you'll be locking Eddie out on the balcony if people are going to be eating here.
Boy, I'll tell you who I'd like to lock out on the balcony.
Oh, please, let it be me.
Now, now, may I remind you that we are having this little brunch in order to get acquainted with Mel.
We owe it to Niles to give her a chance.
I agree with Dr.
Crane.
We should all have another Bloody Mary.
I didn't say that.
It was implied.
Oh, Frasier, I almost forgot.
The Corkmaster and I brought this along for you.
Oh, well, thank you very much.
It's a lovely bottle.
I guess, uh, Niles must have told you about his eleventh-hour victory.
Oh, yes, and I'm so proud of him.
Well, let's give credit where credit's due-- to Mel.
To Mel? Well, yes, it was her idea that I should run.
Really? Well perhaps I'll just put this around the corner before the cork flies out and hits someone.
So, after all these years of doing tummy tucks and liposuctions, I can look at a fully-clothed person and see exactly what they look like naked.
I can see every sag, droop, ripple and pucker.
(uncomfortable laughter) It's like X-ray vision.
How interesting.
I think I'll go check on breakfast.
Let me give you a hand with that.
When you invited me, did you say "brunch for Mel" or "brunch from hell"? Oh! That woman is unbearable.
Well, guess who's allergic to Eddie? She wants a glass of water to take her pill with.
You know what I can't stand? All that "sweety-dearie-darling" stuff.
I've never met anybody so phony.
Hello, dear.
Here's your water.
Thank you, Martin.
Well, Frasier, I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Mm, I just got beeped by my service and I have to go.
Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry.
Thank you for brunch, though.
Thanks for inviting me.
It's such a civilized way to spend an afternoon.
With her head tucked underneath her arm She walks the bloody tower.
You know who that song's about, don't you? Bloody Mary? Oh, don't mind if I do.
Well, anyway, I-I'd better go.
Darling, I have your coat.
I'll walk you to the elevator.
Well, thank you all for a lovely afternoon.
Yes, bye, Mel.
Bye.
FRASIER: Lovely to see you.
Well, that's a blessing.
Now we can enjoy our breakfast.
ROZ: I doubt it.
I was only allowed to make a cheese-free, mushroom-free, fat-free frittata, thanks to the girl in the plastic bubble.
I think I'll order a pizza.
You know I have half a mind to say something to Niles.
He is making a terrible mistake with that woman.
Now, Frasier But, Dad, it is Maris all over again! She's dominating him, emasculating him.
Look, I don't like her any more than you do, and God knows we've been through this before.
I didn't like Lilith, we both didn't like Maris, and you boys sure as hell didn't like Sherry, but what good did it do talking about it? But he's repeating a terrible pattern.
Well, he's going to repeat it whether you like it or not, and if you say anything, you're just going to drive a wedge between you, so nobody's going to say a word.
Well, it's a shame Mel had to leave.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You know, we were having such a good time.
Yes, Niles.
Actually, I was nervous bringing her over here.
I was concerned I was concerned what you'd think, you know, getting to really know her the first time.
So? ROZ: Ooh! I'm going to go let Eddie in.
Come on, seriously.
I-I-I-I want you to be totally honest.
Really.
Tell me.
What do you think of Mel? Oh, I don't like her at all.
She's bossy and fussy and mean.
She's all wrong for you.
Yes, I need a large pepperoni pizza.
Yeah, and some cheese bread.
I'm sure she didn't mean that, Niles.
Well that was startling.
Yes, well, don't take that seriously, Niles.
You know how women sometimes just form irrational dislikes for one another.
Oh! That's great.
I leave the room for one second, and you rat me out.
No, Roz ROZ: No, that's okay.
I don't have anything to hide, and I'm not irrational.
She's pushy, demanding and a gigantic pain in the ass.
I'd dump her like radioactive waste.
Well, so that's two of you in the anti-Mel camp.
Oh, did you tell him what you thought of Mel, too? No, Daphne did.
Oops.
Frasier? I just think she's-she's Maris all over again.
She's manipulative.
I think you're repeating a terrible pattern.
Oh, well, isn't this neat? We all have our individual reasons for disliking her.
Hey, Dad, what's your reason for disliking Mel? So you did tell him what you think of her! And after shoving me into the kitchen and shaking your freakin' finger at me.
She's crazy, Niles.
I-I-I don't know what she's talking about.
No, no, that's all right, Dad.
I, uh I asked you all to be honest, and you were.
I got my answer.
You know, what would have been nice is if one of you could have found one nice thing to say about her.
She does have that X-ray vision.
Did you talk to Niles? Mm.
I left a couple of messages, but no answer.
I think he's going to have to stay mad for a while.
Yeah, well, that was a hell of a brunch all the way around for you as well as me.
Dad, if you're talking about what happened with you and Mrs.
Wojadubakowski, I mean, you have nothing to be ashamed of.
Yeah, yeah, I guess.
So you're going to see her again? Oh, I don't know.
I don't think it's going to work out.
You're not still feeling guilty, are you? MARTIN: No.
What you said made a lot of sense.
I just think it's run its course.
Hmm.
Well, I have a theory.
Oh, geez.
No, no, hear me out.
I think by giving you my approval to sleep with Claire, I've made it less exciting for you.
There was a certain illicitness to the relationship that gave it a kind of piquancy.
Frasier, it's Sunday.
Take the day off.
Wait, Mr.
Crane, you slept with Mrs.
Wojadubakowski? Yes, I did.
Isn't that adorable? No, it's disgusting, you dirty old man.
Sleeping with that poor widow before her husband's even cold in the ground.
You think that was wrong? You're damn right I do.
You ought to be ashamed.
See, I told you, Frasier.
We live in a civilized society, and there are certain rules we have to live by.
We all have impulses we'd like to explore, but we don't.
Daphne? Well we can't just go chasing anyone you fancy just because you're suddenly attracted to them.
There are certain things you don't do no matter how tempted you are.
Boy, that was strange, wasn't it? I don't think it was strange at all.
It made a lot of sense to me.
Where the hell are you going? Well, I'd better get over to Claire's and apologize.
And, uh, don't wait up for me, Frasier.
I got a lot of apologizing to do.
Hey, baby, I hear the blues a'callin' Tossed salads and scrambled eggs Mercy And maybe I seem a bit confused Well, maybe, but I got you pegged (laughing) But I don't know what to do With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs They're callin' again.
Good night, Seattle! We love you!