King of the Hill s07e17 Episode Script

How's it going, Joe Jack? I lost my bathroom key again, honey.
Mr.
Strickland? Yeah.
Hank, I just lost a pile of money and a pair of Eye-talian loafers to that sleaze bag Lane Pratley.
Oh, and you can cancel the morning run to Strickland North.
I lost that, too.
I got to take my mind off my boo-hoos.
Donna! Find me that website where the elephant does his business on the man's head.
Sir, I I don't like to ask personal questions, but are you okay? My wife threw me out.
What? Yeah.
I had Donna over at the house.
The old crow found us in flagrante on the credenza.
It's all over.
She said she could handle my drinking binges and my gambling and even turn a blind eye to my extramarital escapades but not when they happen all at once and on her birthday.
Ah! I don't know what to do anymore, Hank.
Uh There, there, sir.
Today we start cross-country.
Every day for the next two weeks, you kids are going to be running.
For those of you a little overweight or not athletic, this will be difficult, but so will life.
Now go.
Uh, Coach.
If you don't mind, I preferto play to my strengths.
Why don't I just hang back and hold the clipboard? Move it, Hill.
Hey, Maggie, if we stay together, neither one of us will be last.
I let you hide behind me in dodge ball.
I'm through with you.
My running days are over.
I'm home.
Table for one near the air conditioner.
Sorry, kid, this is high tea.
We require a jacket and tie and long pants and no sneakers.
Doesn't passion count for anything? My Bible study teacher is going on vacation and he won't let me be the substitute teacher while he's gone.
I think he's just jealous of my close relationship with Jesus.
Oh, Luanne, give him more credit.
Maybe he genuinely thinks you won't be good at it.
Nobody has any faith in me.
I'm telling Jesus that you weren't any help.
You are not going to believe what's happened at work.
Buck gambled away Strickland North.
It's gone.
Gone.
And you are surprised by this behavior? Hank, the man is a lying, cheating, drunken, gambling, philandering adulterer.
I know he has his demons, but he's also the guy who took me under his wing and brought me into the world of propane and propane accessories.
There's a money-back guarantee on those.
It's not the store's policy it's just mine.
You do a damn fine job of selling dungarees there, uh Hank, but let me tell you what I'm selling.
Propane.
Huh.
Propane.
He was a window into the exciting world of clean-burning heat.
Yeah.
You keep these tanks shiny and clean they reflect more sunlight and stay cooler.
That means less gas escapes through this here valve, see? I can't turn my back on him.
Without buck, I'd be selling pants.
I'd never tell him this, but I think of him as a a mentor.
Really? I thought I was your mentor.
I'm worried, fellows.
Buck's never been this bad and this time, I'm afraid he's going to take the business down with him.
You know what a friend would do? He'd get me to burn down said other friend's failing business for the insurance money.
Just say the word or don't.
I'll get the signal.
Just nod your head.
Or don't.
Shut up, Dale.
So, we're on.
Hmm.
Buck's back on the floor.
You got to buy this grill.
I need the money.
There's a horse that can make all this right.
You got cash? Huh? Huh? Uh sir, why don't I take you home? Good idea.
No, wait a second.
Okay.
I'm so got dang lonely.
Hey, you know, before I drop you off, there's someone I'd like to introduce you to.
I think you two might hit it off.
Can we go yet? No, not until you hear me out.
Sir, the flame in you has grown dim, but if you'll just take your hands off the valve, and let Him in, the Lord will fill you with His gas.
So I'll just leave you two by yourselves here.
You probably have a lot of catching up to do.
You cannot fix Buck Strickland.
He is drowning in a sea of his own addictions and if there is one thing that I learned at YWCA camp, you cannot save a drowning man.
I used to like that song.
Now it scares me.
Greetings, fellow Christians.
Ah, there's the shepherd that brought this lost sheep back into the fold.
I did? Huh.
So it worked.
Bless you, Hank.
Well, in fairness, I didn't really do anything.
I just alley-ooped you to the Lord.
Well, you brought me to church where I met an angel who showed me the light.
This woman is gonna keep me on the straight and narrow path to the promised land.
Praise be! Nothing but net, Lord.
I understand why God loves Buck He has to but what kind of pathetic doormat of a woman would fall for him? Come on, Peggy.
I bet she's just some nice old lady who used to be a nurse or something.
You know how those churchy types are.
They like a fixer-upper.
Hey, Uncle Hank, Aunt Peggy! Look who I saved! Hallelujah.
Good Lord.
What the hell is going on here? A private Bible study class.
Praise the Lord! Luanne, Platter family conference on the patio, ahora.
Is he hitting on you? Is he coming on to you? Has he put his hands on you? What has he done to you? Nothing, Aunt Peggy.
I found him at the church and he was so sad and lost.
I told him about the word of God and he volunteered me to be his private Bible tutor.
Me! A Bible tutor.
Luanne, you're on the naive side.
But even you cannot be buying this horse manure.
Buck is my student.
I am his teacher.
And the Lord is our principal.
And until He rings the bell, class will not be dismissed.
Uh are you trying to date my niece, sir? Now, Ol' Top, I don't blame you for thinking the worst of me, but I'm a changed man.
Now, if you'll excuse us, we have to get back to class.
You know, Luanne, it's awful hot out here.
Maybe next week we could study in the pool.
Bible class in the pool? Like a baptism.
Yeah, I'll bring my swimsuit.
Are these English cucumbers in the cucumber sandwiches? The regular ones come back on me.
I don't know.
Well, would you find out for me, please? It's so nice to see such a refined young man.
My grandson steals from me.
Would you care to join us? That depends: Would you care to share your lemon curd? Oh, hmm.
Hank, you've been very unclear on this whole thing.
Do you or do you not want me to burn down your workplace? Dang it, Dale, I don't want you going anywhere near Strickland.
Things have been great since Buck found religion.
Again, your words say "no," but your body language says "torch that sucker.
" Un-be-freakin-lievable.
Peggy, will you knock it off? Why can't you just accept the man's been saved? It doesn't cost you anything.
They are in the pool, Hank.
Luanne is in her bikini.
Her hair is wet.
Sopping wet.
Well, she's supposed to be giving him a Bible lesson.
I'm going to make sure it stays a Bible lesson.
So, that's why it's better to be a little bird sitting in heaven than to be the biggest, toughest grizzly bear in hell.
Do you know what I mean? Yes? Yay! Fellowship hug! Whoo! Amen to that.
Dude, what are you doing with her? This is a Bible study class, Joseph.
Oh, yeah? Um I like the Bible.
A bunch.
Well, come on in.
I thought this was a private Bible tutorial.
There's enough God to go around.
Need another student? Uncle Hank, you're joining the class? What are you doing here? Bible-ing up, dude.
Joseph, go home.
Nuh-uh, hold on.
This is my Bible study class.
And all of God's creatures are welcome.
Even Joseph.
Oh, Bobby, you are a delight.
Pearl, we should fix him up with your niece.
How old is she? Okay, the thing about camels going through the eye of a needle it's not good for the camels, so you can understand why it's not good to be rich.
Totally.
I'm as good as broke.
I'm losing everything in the divorce.
Hey, is this the Bible study in the pool class? Principal Moss? Pratley! Aw, rooster poop! You got my flyer.
We sure did, Teach.
And that picture does not do you justice.
Oh, dang, I forgot my Bible.
I'll just kind of look off yours here, Miss Luanne.
Okay, but next time, you'd better remember.
Remember-iness is next to holiness.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on here.
We don't want to distract the teacher.
Principal Moss, you can look on with me.
Okay, then.
Now, Luanne, weren't you and Buck discussing the importance of the commandments and why you shouldn't covet things and such? Yeah, as a matter of fact, Luanne Hey, can I get in on this? Well, who the heck are you? Octavio, dude.
We're trying to talk about the Bible here! Oh, sure, Ese.
I'm way into it.
Hey, look what I got Jesus.
Oh, that's beautiful.
Hey, that's Rob Zombie.
Shut up, kid.
He got my Bible wet.
Okay, Joseph, Octavio, no more fellowship hugs.
Not until you show me you're here to learn the Bible, not get it wet.
Pearl, I talked to my doctor about you yesterday, and he agrees with me you've got to cut down on the salt.
He's coming in.
Just act natural and pass me the scones.
I thought I saw someone I know.
Mind if I take a look around? Sorry, sir, we have a dress code ties for men, no tube tops for the ladies.
Ah Uh-huh.
So, Paul was named Saul until he saw Jesus on the road to Damascus and changed his ways.
That's right! Fellowship hug! Oh, boy.
So, when the Bible says "He is without sin should cast the first stone" what it's saying is It's saying What it's saying is, is we should look at our own sins.
Try to be better people.
Yes.
But if you Sure, but you can't be a better person just by acting all righteous and stuff.
It says right here in the Book of Acts that wait, uh, the red letters are the Jesus words, right? Uh, Luanne, if Buck could just I've got a testimony! Now you all may have read the story of the prodigal son, but fellow Christians, I have lived it.
I have strayed far and long from the path of the righteous.
I have sinned, I have lied, I have fornicated on stolen antique furniture.
But I will tell you this the good Lord sets the most beautiful table for the son who's eaten from the most dumpsters.
Huh.
Wow.
You know, I have to admit, Buck is a changed man.
Luanne must be one heck of a Bible teacher.
Yep, I guess she really got through to him.
And all that time in the water's been good for his phlebitis.
Sorry to interrupt, but I had something very important to tell you two.
I'm an old-fashioned man, and as Luanne's nearest unincarcerated kin, I wanted you to be the first to know I'm going to ask Luanne to marry me.
Wow, Buck and Luanne.
Wow.
Well I guess it was inevitable.
Women from broken homes always look for a father figure.
I guess technically, Buck is more of a grand father figure, but I guess that might even be healthier.
Well, there, I've made it palatable for myself.
And Luanne's been a pretty good influence on Buck.
Did you see him? He was clean-cut, polite he wasn't even sweating vodka.
And when Buck's in good shape, so is Strickland Propane.
Hank, do you realize if they marry, Buck will be our nephew.
Huh.
You know, Buck will probably lose his house in the divorce, and move in with Luanne.
He and I could drive to work together.
Luanne, you've changed this ornery old jackass into a noble pack mule.
But this mule don't want to walk life's treacherous mountain path alone.
Luanne Platter, will you have me as your husband? Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Of course not.
Jibbit? Mr.
Strickland, that's so crazy.
You're very nice, but you're totally old.
I like young guys who love Jesus, but have fitness and hair.
No, no, you see I I got She spurned me! I've been spurned! She what? She toyed with my affections.
She was only doing it to get me to the Lord.
How sick is that? Sir, wait.
Luanne, what happened? Buck just wanted to marry me and I said no.
Well, he looked pretty upset.
And when Buck's upset, he dives straight into his addictions.
Oh, that's okay.
He's totally addicted to Jesus now.
Earl Grey.
Come on, give me a tough one.
Bobby Hill.
You just ate your last thingie.
Muffin? Pastry? What whatever.
Move it! Congratulations, Mr.
Fybel.
I'll be out there tomorrow to personally hook up your new tanks.
Yee-ha! : Well, what are you all looking at, you heathens? No, sir.
Not on the premises, and certainly not during business hours.
Fine, then.
Hank, let's you and me go bet on the ponies.
I'll just get some cash from the safe.
Don't bother, sir.
I changed the combination.
But it's always been my birthday.
Well, now it's my birthday.
You've been here 20 years.
I I know your birthday.
I know it.
It's Sept Sepover Septober 22, 29 Hank, I'm sorry.
Yeah, I know.
Don't we have a boy who comes and does this? Yeah, but the better these tanks are polished, the more sunlight they reflect, the cooler they stay and the less propane escapes through that valve.
That valve yeah.
I taught you that.
You know, Buck, maybe Luanne and her Bible class in the pool was His way of getting your attention.
So you could see what's really important.
Yeah, propane's been good to me.
Well, Lady Propane's been good to all of us, sir.
Lady Propane.
That's a perfect swirl, sir.
You know, maybe I could get rid of all my old addictions and get myself hooked solely on propane.
And maybe just one other thing.
You know, keep things spicy.
Boy, these look pretty at sunset, don't they? They sure do, sir.
Oh, and those are And it's sunrise.
Fellowship hug! Oh boy!