Roseanne s07e17 Episode Script

Well, I give up.
Our insurance company only gave us a hundred dollars to fix this water damage.
I mean, I can't get anybody to paint it for that.
Come on, Leon, there's gotta be some interior decorator out there that owes you a big favor.
Oh, what a classy comment, Roseanne.
You know, it's a wonder that you work here in a diner and not in the world of opera, where they would appreciate a woman of yourgirth.
Don't talk to me about class.
And it's pronounced Oprah.
Listen, Stacy, I'm really sorry about you breaking up with you boyfriend.
I know how hard that is.
I mean, you feel alone, you feel empty, you feel like a part of you died.
So, if there's anything I can do to help Can you lend me 40 bucks? Well, uh I've got 12.
Whenever.
You know, if we don't get him neutered, he's gonna end up spraying everywhere.
I just--I think it's disgusting the way that Stacy is taking advantage of our David.
You're right.
If anybody's gonna take advantage of our David, it'll be me.
David, come over here.
Yeah, Mrs.
Conner? Uh, you can't hang around here anymore.
I can't? No.
We've got this painter coming in to do this wall tomorrow.
It's gonna be way too crowded.
And it's gonna take that painter probably all day to fix that wall, and then he'll probably stretch it out so he can just stand there and stare at Stacy.
Hey, what if I painted the wall for you? You? Well, that's right.
You do paint.
But I couldn't take advantage of you like that, David.
I've only got $20 to work with.
No, I could do a mural.
I mean, it would be a great opportunity for me.
I would feel like I was taking advantage of you.
Well, I wouldn't want you to feel bad, David.
I'll tell you what.
I won't pay you anything.
Okay.
And bring your own paint.
Could you help me with my math? I'm not good at math.
I don't care.
Get out of here.
Break's over, Stacy.
Those dishes have been on table three for an hour.
[sighs.]
Could someone else clean that table? I can't.
Why not? 'Cause that's me and Billy's table.
It brings back too many memories.
I never saw the two of you sitting there.
Well, we didn't.
Then how can you call it "our table"? I mean, if you didn't even eat dinner there, what else could you-- Oh, my God.
You had sex on it? Is that a problem? No, it's no problem.
I gotta go talk to Roseanne.
This isn't about you.
Stacy had sex on one of our tables.
God, I hope they left her a good tip.
That's not funny.
I find it disgusting.
I wanna fire her.
Well, I wanna keep her and install some security cameras.
You think it's okay? God, don't be such a hypocrite, after all the places you've done it.
I never did something like that.
Come on, Jackie, I'm the one that had to tell you that you could do it laying down.
I am an adult now.
My life has become more stable.
I have values.
You're jealous.
I am not jealous of that slutty, trampy mother of ours.
I like Mom.
I really can't clean table three.
Could someone else please do it? Okay, I'll do it.
Just do me a favor and finish cleaning up this ice machine.
I can't clean that either.
[laughing.]
How's the mural coming? Great.
I just can't wait to get to college and really study art.
Who's Art? Your new boyfriend? I'm real proud of you, David.
You'll be the first Conner man to go to college.
Wait, you're not a Conner.
You'll be the first man I know to go to college.
See, Mark? Some people value education.
Yeah? If those college boys are so smart, how come they're always asking guys like me to fix their toilets? Leave him alone.
Aren't you proud of your brother? Yeah, of course.
Dan, you know, when you were younger did you ever think about going to college? Oh, sure.
When I was his age it was the most important thing in the world to me.
Then the the draft ended and I didn't see the point.
Hi, Mark.
Hey.
Listen, do you think I could watch you work on the pipes? I mean, I love to watch guys fix things.
You do, huh? Mm-hmm.
That's pretty mental.
You're so funny.
You want a coffee? No.
Okay.
What the hell are you doing? What? You're a married man.
You shouldn't be coming on to Stacy.
I'm not coming on to her.
She was coming on to me.
Oh, come on, that doesn't even make sense.
I'm the one who's available.
Why would she want you and not me? Hmm.
I don't know, Mrs.
Size 7 Shoes.
Leon? Mm-hmm? Can I ask you a question about women? Well, it's a bit like asking Mrs.
Conner about low-cal desserts, but go ahead.
Uh, I was wondering-- Come here.
I was wondering what they like in a guy.
You know, since you like guys This is offensive, isn't it? No, actually, it's surprisingly interesting.
Well, it's just-- Is Mark better-looking than me? Come on, David.
I mean, that's like trying to compare apples and what do they call those dinky little tiny oranges? The ug-- Kumquats! Everyone loves kumquats.
I think Stacy likes apples.
Don't worry about it, David.
You know, when I was a kid about your age, I wasn't very popular with the girls either, and things worked out great for me.
But you're gay.
Best of luck to you.
Hey, Stacy, I was wondering could I paint you in my mural? Wow! Really? Yeah.
That's why I've been kind of staring at you a lot, not because I'm some creep.
Hey, Mark, guess what? David's going to put me in his picture.
This is going to be so much fun! Boy, Mark, now I bet you wish you had used crayons for more than just stabbing people, huh? Hey, Stace, you still want to watch me fix that pipe? Sure.
Great.
Let's go.
[giggles.]
Hey, hey! What are you doing? Just proving a point.
Why don't you get back to your painting there, Fembrandt? Jackie? Honey? You okay? Do we have to go to the Lobo tonight? Can't we do something different? Like what? I don't know, man! I just want to go! I just want to go so far I got to come back just to see where I came from.
Are you with me? As long as we're back home to relieve the baby-sitter by 9.
Oh, yeah.
You're right, Fred.
I'm just being silly.
Honey, pull the car over.
Why? You getting carsick? No, I only want you to you know, pull over, so we canyou know.
Oh! What? In the car? You're crazy.
Come on, Fred, it will be fun.
It will be just like high school.
I'll even let you brag to your friends.
Jackie, if you wanted to have sex, you should have thought about that before we left the house.
I didn't want to have it then.
Fine.
I'll turn the car around, we'll drive back to our home and our comfortable bed, have the sex, and then go to the bar.
I don't want to have the sex in the bed.
There are six rooms in that house.
The only room we have the sex in is the bedroom.
Yeah, and the only room we cook in is the kitchen.
Sometimes we barbeque.
I'm really sorry, but I just don't get it.
I don't see anything good about having sex in a cramped car.
It's not just the sex, Fred.
Our whole lives are boring.
You're boring! Why, because I don't want to get an ashtray in my butt? Every single Thursday night we drive to happy hour and every single time you take Kenter to Raleigh and a right on Radford.
You don't take Sycamore because of the potholes! Okay, I'm sorry.
You're right.
We'll take Sycamore.
[thump.]
Woohoo! That's livin'! [chattering.]
Hey, Dan, where's Roseanne? Oh, she was feeling a little nauseous so she filled her purse with chicken wings and went on home.
Oh.
Great.
I'm glad I came then.
While you two play pool I can sit at the bar and have a drink, because that's what bars are for.
Bars are for drinking and kitchens are for cooking and cars are for driving.
That's God's plan.
You can either stick with that or you can go to hell.
Grouchy, party of one.
We're kind of having a few problems.
Yep.
Should have married yourself a quiet, easy-going gal like I did.
Driving over here, all of the sudden, out of nowhere she starts blaming me for her life.
She says it's lousy and predictable, and get this-- Boring.
Ah, women.
They just can't say they're happy.
It's got me worried, Dan.
It all started with thisthing.
What kind of thing? This weird sex thing.
Chicken wing? I don't even know how to begin to talk about this.
I mean, this woman is the mother of my child.
There's hot sauce.
I am all for having some fun in the bedroom, but what she's talking about, it's-- It's bizarre.
Boy, these must come off tiny chickens.
Dan is this making you uncomfortable? No, no.
Speaking in front of a group makes me uncomfortable.
Listening to your and Jackie's sex life makes me wish I was speaking in front of a group.
Okay, forget it.
No, I'm sorry.
Okay, what did she want you to do? She wanted us to have sex in the car.
With how many people? Just me and her.
She wanted to have sex with her husband in the car? God, it's freaky.
Someone like that living right here in Lanford.
You're making fun of me, Dan.
No, it's just if your wife is this unhappy, you got to do something about it.
Hey, I thought our sex life was great! But apparently she thinks we're in some kind of a rut.
You are in a rut.
We are not! Of course you are.
That's why you're happy.
Guys love being in a rut, but women think it's boring.
The trick is to keep them from getting too bored before they leave you.
Then there goes your nice, comfortable rut.
But I don't want to have sex in the car.
Women like to try new things.
If you love your wife, you got to give a little.
I suppose doing it in the car is not going to kill me.
Not if you put your flashers on.
Dan, do you ever have sex with Roseanne in your car? Hell, Fred, I've had sex with Roseanne in your car.
That's how much I love my wife.
So he just left on his motorcycle.
I don't know why I always end up dating jerks who just care about acting tough.
I just wind up getting burned.
Well, maybe you should start dating more sensitive guys, guys who aren't afraid of showing their emotions.
Oh, God.
I said I wouldn't do this.
Yeah, you're right.
But guys like that, they just wind up feeling like my brother.
Or my sister.
Heh.
Yeah.
Boy, those wussy boys just make me sick.
Hey, listen, I've got an extra ticket to the Dead concert tonight.
The chick I was going to go with had to cancel, because she had this, uh she had a baby.
Are you kidding? That would be great.
But it gets really hot in the stadium.
What do you think I should wear tonight? I don't care, man.
Wear whatever you want.
I'll be wearing a tube top.
Hey, Mark, guess what? David's going to take me to the Dead show later.
Oh, yeah? He must like you.
Dr.
Quinn is on tonight.
Hey.
Hey, Dan-aroo.
What's the good word? Well, it's not "Dan-aroo.
" David, this came for you in the mail.
It's my SAT scores.
How come they're already open? Mrs.
Conner made an honest mistake.
She forgot to reseal it.
How did you do? He did great! Spelling, deciphering, he done whomped all they threw at him.
Well, not great, but, yeah, I did pretty good.
Don't be so modest.
What's the capital of Montana? Uh, Helena? It probably is! Hey, Dan, you know, I got that sink practically done in there.
I was able to save a lot more of that copper tubing than you thought.
That's great.
Yeah.
You just made us 8 cents.
See us later, egghead.
Oh, come on.
Don't let it bother you, Mark.
He was just all excited about my test scores.
By tomorrow he'll remember that I mostly just make him uncomfortable.
Hey, Stacy, you know, if you want me to help you with your car, tonight's the only night I have free.
But I'm going to the Dead show tonight.
Well, take it or leave it.
Oh, all right.
I mean, I really need to get my car fixed.
Sorry, David.
Hey, if you want to pick up some beer, I'll hang out afterwards.
Okay.
What the hell are you doing? Why do you have to ruin this for me? It's not my fault that she likes me more than she likes you.
Oh, don't give me that.
You just can't stand it that I was getting somewhere with her.
You were just closing in on a handshake.
God, Mark, how evil can you be? Fine, I'll ask you nicely.
I really like Stacy.
Okay? Now could you please, please as a brother, just back off and give me a chance? No.
Why are you such a bastard? I'll tell you what, I might leave her alone if you cry for me.
Hey! Hey, what's going on? Nothing.
No, come on, Mark! Why don't you tell her what we're fighting about? It's nothing! What did you want? I came by to ask if you wanted to go to a movie tonight.
Hey, that's a good idea.
Why don't you go to a movie tonight with your wife? I can't.
I'm busy.
Busy doing what? What? I don't know.
What, I have to tell you what I'm doing every second? What is the big deal? Why are you acting like this? It's not a big deal.
I just have to fix a car.
Okay.
Whose car? Whose? Uh You know, it's, uh What's going on, Mark? It's my car.
Actually, it's a car I'm thinking about buying.
Mark said he'd come down and take a look at it.
Oh, well, why didn't you just say so? Why did you have to be so difficult? Sorry.
That's okay.
I guess I'll see you at home, then.
Bye.
Hey, look, when it comes to my life, I don't need your help.
No, I think you do.
I can't believe you are risking your marriage just to hurt me.
Are you really that jealous of me, Mark? I ain't jealous of nobody, especially you.
Oh, come on, let's face it.
Mr.
Conner is proud of me for something you could never do.
Oh, what? Walk under a table without ducking? Fine.
Put me down, take a girl away from me, whatever it takes to make you feel superior.
Just remember one thing, Mark, besides Becky, I'm the only person around here that gives a crap about you.
Hey.
Hey.
So what time are you going to come by and fix my car? I can't do it.
You should go to the concert.
[Jackie.]
I still don't see why you couldn't just get your wallet in the morning.
Actually, honey that's not why I brought you here.
Oh, God.
Oh, Fred! Oh, God, let's do it someplace bad.
Real bad! Tables are bad.
Don't I know it.
I can't wait to get up on top of this table and-- It's not too sturdy.
How about the counter? Oh, the count-- Oh, the counter is better! You get served quicker there.
Do you need to see a menu or do you already know what you want? What? What? It's kind of dirty.
That's okay, though, because sex is supposed to be dirty.
[Both giggling.]
You sure there's not, like, a cot in here or something? Fred, I know you're kind of tense about this, but you just have to try and relax because it's supposed to be a fantasy! You tell me what you want to do.
You don't want to know my fantasy.
Fred, rea-- I'm your wife.
We really should talk about this stuff.
You're just going to get mad.
No, I won't, Fred.
I swear to you.
Whatever it is, I'm not going to judge you.
Okay.
All my fantasies are you and me at home in bed.
Really? Doing what? What we always do.
Oh.
I'm sorry, Jackie, but that's what I like.
Let's go home, Fred.
You don't mind, do you? No, I don't.
No, not at all.
You tried, and that's the important thing.
Thanks.
Oh, man, I thought they'd never leave.
You know, baby, I really missed you since we broke up.
Hey, let's go do it on our table.
You know, I've got a better idea.
Have you seen the new ice machine?