The King of Queens s07e17 Episode Script

Yeah.
Welcome to the Final Four.
Ah.
Final Four.
Just in time.
Hi, hon.
Hey.
I thought you guys were gonna be out all day celebrating his birthday.
Change of plans.
I heard you were home watching basketball, so I told her Six Flags could wait for another day.
Excuse me, I gotta get something.
Did you tell him I was home watching the games? He asked where you were.
What was I to say? I told you what to say.
Oh, yeah, you were reading to blind children.
I forgot.
You forgot.
Now I'm stuck with the Aqua Velva man.
Doug, just let him watch with you, please? Think of it as your birthday gift.
My birthday gift is that he's not living in the V.
A.
hospital.
Look, Carrie.
Look, I'm serious.
I wanted to watch the games by myself.
It's important.
My whole office pool rides on this.
What office pool? Do you listen to anything I say? I'm selective, I'll admit.
The March Madness pool, okay? If both my teams win, I get two tickets to St.
Louis for the championship game, all expenses paid.
Douglas! Hurry! You're missing the Maalox Pregame Roundup.
Just let him watch with you.
For me.
Okay, fine.
Thank you.
Now I just gotta run some more errands, but I just want you to know that I really appreciate this.
This is very sweet of you.
Well, I hate your guts.
They're doing a feature on one of the players.
Leshandon Hawkins, raised by his grandmother.
Did you ever? Never.
The most compelling story of this tournament.
This is some fun, huh? Just the boys watching some roundball.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, yeah.
Did I ever tell you I used to play for the Oneonta Red Dragons? Last night and this morning.
The other players nicknamed me "Crazy Legs Spooner.
" Prior to that I was known simply as "Legs Spooner.
" Oh, I will get it.
Hello? What? I can't- I just sat down, I'm watching the games with my father-in-law.
All right, all right.
I'll be right there.
Jeez, bad news, Arthur.
One of our other drivers got real sick.
I gotta go and fill-in for him.
Oh, my God.
Which one? Oh, uh, it's Tom Mc Jagger.
Here we go with the opening tip.
And we're down to two minutes left in this thrilling matchup.
Hey, Dad.
Where's Doug? Oh, he left.
He had to fill-in for McJagger.
Simpson, in-bound pass, looking for someone open.
What are you doing? What? You're supposed to be watching the game with my father.
I tried.
It was too painful.
So I just called myself with my cell phone and, uh, pretended it was work.
The fake phone call thing again? You know, he's gonna figure that out eventually.
When he figures out Velcro, I'll start worrying.
Come inside so we can do his cake.
No, Carrie, I got a shot at winning this.
Inside now.
Ugh.
Okay.
Wilkins sets, and the final free-throw is good.
And that ties the score at 61.
We'll be back with the final 55 seconds after these words.
Okay, I'm home from work! Let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Okay.
Dad, could you come in here a sec? A cake? I need my Lactaid pills.
Oh, I got 'em.
I got 'em.
Okay.
No, no, no.
These are regular strength.
I need ultra.
Okay.
Just eat around the ice cream.
Hello? What? You're kid- Okay, I'll be right there.
Work again.
Unbelievable.
I hate the way those bastards take advantage of his good nature.
Problem is, he's just too nice.
Yes, that's his curse.
Anyway, why don't you just go ahead and, uh, blow out the candles and make a wish? Ah.
Okay, that was a wet one.
Anyway, what did you wish for? A tiger cub? No, no, no, not this year.
I'm 0 for 22 on that one.
What then? Uh, to be honest, I wished I could spend more time with Douglas.
Really? Yeah.
He's such a wonderful young man, but it seems every time I'm about to enjoy the pleasure of his company, he's whisked away to his job, or one of his charities, or he's locked in his room stricken with fever.
Oh, well.
Let's enjoy this wonderful cake.
I won.
I won.
Douglas, I thought you were called back to work? No, t-that was a wrong number.
I'm going to St.
Louis for the big game.
Oh, that's great.
Sounds like a marvelous adventure.
Um, have you decided who you're gonna take with you? Yeah, Deacon.
Did you not see me bulge my eyes and point with my head? Yeah, I assumed you were having some sort of seizure, so I left.
Why can't you just- No, Carrie, I am not taking him to St.
Louis.
And, you know, it's insane for you to even ask.
But I'm only asking because it's his birthday.
No, no.
You got his birthday gift when you made me watch TV with him.
But you didn't watch TV with him.
He rubbed ear stuff on me.
Okay, look, Doug, I know that he's not a picnic to be around, but the fact is that he adores you.
Do you know what he wished for tonight when he was blowing out his candles? To spend more time with you.
How do you know that? Because he told me.
If he told you his wish, it can't come true.
Doug.
I don't make the rules, baby.
All right.
Let me bottom line this for you, okay? You do this for him, and I will never ask you to do anything with him ever, ever again.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, right.
No, I am serious.
Take him to St.
Louis, and you are done.
You don't have to drive him to the senior center, no more playing Monopoly, Chinese checkers, thumb wrestling, and my hand to God, you never have to apply ointment to his naked back again.
Wait a second, you just mentioned his back.
You didn't say anything about his front.
Has he got something on his front I don't know about? Fine.
You don't have to do his front, either.
All right.
Hey there, folks.
Welcome aboard flight 317 to St.
Louis.
Please make yourselves comfortable, we should be taking off shortly.
This was a wonderful surprise, Douglas.
Thank you again.
My pleasure.
The fact is, I've been itching to spend more time with you.
Really? I was just telling Carrie I wanted to spend more time with you.
Wow.
Well, let's just enjoy the time we have together now.
You know, in case we don't see each other much after this.
Yeah, let the enjoying commence.
What do you got there? My sleeping pills.
Nervous flier, huh? Oh, yes.
More than once I've stormed the cockpit in a panic, but these days, that's frowned upon.
Hey, folks, this is Captain Bender.
We seem to be having a little problem with the landing gear.
Hopefully we'll get it fixed and we'll take off shortly.
Oh, God.
Oh, I'm sorry your flight's delayed, honey, but hang in there, okay? You're doing a really great thing for him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, how's everything going there? Uh, it's okay, I guess.
I mean, you know I don't like to be home by myself, but it is one night.
I'll just try to get through it somehow.
All right.
I love you.
I love you too.
Bye-bye.
Folks, this is the captain again.
Apparently, our maintenance crew has been unable to fix the landing gear after all.
But don't worry, we'll get you to St.
Louis tonight.
We have another flight that connects through Pittsburgh leaving from Gate 2 in about 15 minutes.
All right, Arthur, come on, we gotta hustle.
Arthur? Arthur? Huh? Douglas? Douglas? Yeah, sh- Shhh.
He's old.
Uh, I'm here.
What's going on? Flight got cancelled.
We had to grab a connection to Pittsburgh.
We're in Pittsburgh? Yeah.
I've never been in Pittsburgh.
Come on, let's tour the steel mills.
Let's drink from the Monongahela.
We board in a few minutes.
Oh.
That's just enough time to load up on some souvenirs.
I'll be back in a jiff.
Hey, we don't have a jiff.
Guess who.
Hey, Joe.
What are you doing here? Oh, I had to go to a buddy of mine's funeral, but my flight back doesn't leave for a couple of hours, figured I'd pop in here and surprise you.
Well, mission accomplished.
Yeah, heh.
Where's my boy? He upstairs? Uh, no.
Actually, he, uh, won some tickets to a basketball game, so he's on his way to St.
Louis with my father.
Oh.
Ah, jeez, I'm sorry I missed him.
What's all this? You having a séance? Uh, no, no.
I- Just a little bit of mood lighting.
Won't be needing that now.
Oh, God, you're in the middle of dinner.
Yeah, I'm just having some sushi.
You want some? No, the one time I had that, I got a tapeworm as big as a baby's leg.
But you enjoy.
Attention all passengers on flight 641 to St.
Louis.
This is final boarding.
Final boarding for St.
Louis.
Damn it, Arthur.
Come on.
Hi.
Excuse me, my father-in-law kind of wandered off.
Can you give me five minutes? I got to get him to St.
Louis tonight.
I'm sorry.
If it's not an emergency, I have to close the door now.
Okay.
Y-you know, it is an emergency.
If I take him to this game tonight, I never have to spend time with him again.
Let me tell you something, that is huge, 'cause the guy is brutal.
I mean, if a migraine headache wore a cardigan sweater, and chewed its soup, that would be Arthur Spooner.
You know what I'm saying? Arthur.
And to think I just bought you an "I Heart Pittsburgh" button.
Arthur! Just give me one second, please? Arthur.
Hey, I'm trying to find a guy who ran off in that direction right there.
You want to help me chase him? I'll give you 10 bucks.
Sure, hop in.
All right, man.
Thank you very much.
Let her rip.
Let her rip.
Let her rip.
Gun it.
Okay.
Not the best 10 bucks I ever spent.
Thank you.
Arthur, how'd you get back here? I just did a quick circle around the chairs.
Sir, I'm closing the door now.
Are you boarding or not? Yes.
Yes, we are.
No, we're not.
I'm not flying to St.
Louis with a man who despises me.
Never again.
Look, I don't- I don't despise you, okay? I- I just made that stuff up so he'd hold the gate.
I swear it.
Now, come on.
Douglas, I may be a stupid old man, but I'm not stupid.
You meant what you said.
And I'm not getting on that plane.
You know what, Arthur? You're right.
I meant what I said.
I meant every damn word of it.
Every time I got something good in my life, you come along with your big Mickey Mouse hands and scoop it away.
What did I ever take from you? I defy you to name three things.
My basement, my privacy, a quarter of my paycheck every week.
I defy you to name three more.
There are thousands more, okay, Arthur? Let's go with the latest one, this game.
I really wanted to go to this game and you blew it for me.
I will not give you the satisfaction of lording this over me.
I will get you to your precious game.
How the hell are you gonna do that? How you doing there, Joe? Getting close maybe? Few more seconds.
Okay.
Startin' to get the shakes.
All right.
Let her down gently.
Okay.
Ugh.
How's that? She still wobbling? Didn't notice that she was wobbling before, but it seems fine now.
Ah, I don't know.
Let me see.
Whoa.
You don't have a level.
I don't know.
Just what's here is put in the box.
All right, no need to panic.
I can make one lickety-split.
All I need is a couple of Dixie cups, a Ping-Pong ball and a drop of oil.
Joe, the table's fine now.
It's your house.
Now, the last time I was here, I noticed the ice was a little milky.
Come on, help me move the fridge out.
No.
What's the matter? Look, Joe, I am done moving furniture for tonight, okay? And that also includes sanding and varnishing.
Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Carrie.
I guess I kind of did barge in and take over, huh? Yeah, a little bit.
Listen, I think maybe I'd better, uh, head over to the airport and, uh, hang out there till my flight leaves.
Again, I'm sorry if I interrupted your evening.
It was good seeing you, Carrie.
Oh, Joe.
Wait.
Please.
I want you to stay, really I do.
Really? Can't we just sit and talk? You know, have a normal visit without power tools and Dixie cups? I'd like that.
Me too.
Thank you.
Without you, we wouldn't have had a minyan.
Well, that's what we do.
Okay, that was ridiculous.
You're lucky I taught pottery on a kibbutz or I never could have talked our way on here.
Okay, if I were lucky, you wouldn't be living in my basement.
And if I were lucky, you wouldn't be so fat.
What does that have to do with luck? I can't hear you, you're too fat.
Oh, God! What was that? I don't know.
Gentlemen, we've hit a bit of weather here.
It's going to be pretty bumpy the rest of the way to St.
Louis, so please make sure you keep your seat belts fastened.
Thank you.
Where are my pills? You took 'em all in New York.
Oh, God! Just relax, okay? I can't relax.
I'm terrified.
I wish I'd really prayed with these men instead of just making silly noises.
Aagh! Come on.
Just relax.
You all right? You okay? I- I don't want to die, Douglas.
You're not gonna die, okay? It's just turbulence.
I mean, I don't want to die ever.
With my luck, you won't.
Douglas, when my time does come, am I headed upstairs or downstairs? I- I think upstairs.
I hope so.
Although, over the years, at least a dozen people have said to me, "You're gonna roast in hell, Spooner.
" Mm-hmm.
Even so, I think you're, uh- You're really not the hell type.
Down there, they're looking for evil.
You're not evil.
You're- You're exhausting.
Thank you, Douglas.
Yeah.
I'm sorry I played the fat card before.
It's okay.
You didn't play it very well.
Well, that being said, you might want to speak to the pilot, because I'm about to become hysterical.
Gentlemen, it looks like we're going to be making an unscheduled stop in about five minutes.
Don't worry, the screaming man will be getting off the plane.
So Freddy says to me, "That's not a Lionel engine.
That's a knockoff.
" But the joke is on him because I know it's authentic from the smokestack.
So he sold it to me for a song.
You're kidding me.
Hand to God.
I love it.
Oh, oh, oh.
Here's the capper.
Jump ahead three years.
I'm at a train show in Utica and guess who walks over to me with the sorriest-looking freight car you ever saw? I think I know who.
Oh, wait.
Hold that thought.
Hello? What? Oh, God.
All right.
I'll- I'll be right there.
Okay, bye-bye.
Crisis at the office.
I have to run.
Oh, that stinks.
Yeah, I know, but lock up when you leave, okay? Thanks.
Mwah.
Okay, so, what do you like? The Dayton snow globe or the Dayton cheese board? Okay, the cheese board.