Desperate Housewives s07e18 Episode Script

Previously on Desperate Housewives.
I need a CFO.
I'm prepared to give you stock options, access to the company jet Tom got a job offer he couldn't refuse.
I am in.
Yes! At dialysis, Susan made a friend.
Beth took her life.
Which led to Susan getting a kidney Honor Beth's life by allowing her to make you well.
and Felicia being freed.
I've just heard from the Parole Board.
They've decided to grant your request for humanitarian release.
Alex left me.
Oh, honey.
I guess he just got sick of living with a drunk.
And Bree helped her son face his addiction.
When Bree Van De Kamp decided to stop drinking, her recipe for sobriety was the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.
She admitted she was powerless over alcohol.
She asked God to remove her shortcomings.
She made a list of all the people she had harmed.
So when her son Andrew decided to stop drinking, Bree was pleased to see him follow those steps as successfully as she had.
Let me see it again.
Oh! Thirty days sober.
I am so proud of you.
I feel great, Mom.
And it gets better all the time.
Just keep going to meetings and working those steps.
Yeah, kind of stalled out around number eight, though.
Ooh.
That is a tough one.
No one likes to make lists of people they've done harm to.
Particularly with your penmanship.
No, I wrote the list.
But now I have to make the amends.
And there's one person I've been really been awful to.
Well, I know it seems difficult, but give it a chance.
Some people are more forgiving than we give them credit for.
You thought I meant you? Well, of course I did! Mom, no offense, but you're way down the list.
I think you're like seventh.
Seventh? I'd like to know about these six people ahead of me.
Did you steal their pocketbook? Did you wreck their car? Stick a kitchen knife through an oil portrait of them? Okay, calm down.
I will not calm down.
I resent you thinking you've harmed anyone more than me.
Well, I have.
And if I'm going to make amends, I need to start now.
With the top of the list.
And who might that be? Who is this Victim Number One? Mr.
Solis.
Yes, Bree was diligent about following the Twelve Steps.
After all, I did sort of kill his mom.
But even she could recognize a step too far.
Andrew, stop! We teach our children to apologize when they make a mistake.
We tell them that it's wrong to blame others.
Or pretend it never happened.
Or try to cover it up.
But there are those times when apologizing Hey, Carlos? You got a minute? is the biggest mistake of all.
Be right there.
Andrew, stop.
You really need to think about this.
Mom, you know what the step says, "Make direct amends to those we have harmed.
" "Unless to do so would injure them or others.
" And if Carlos finds out, trust me, he's going to injure others! Hey, buddy.
What's up? You know there's something I never told you Yes! How wonderful you were to him after Rex died.
You were like a surrogate father.
I don't know about that.
You were.
You took him on hunting trips, football games, car races.
I didn't know you were gay then, or I'd have thrown in a few musicals.
The point is, you've always been so kind to people.
Never injuring them or others.
Well, that was the same year that my mom died, so I was working through some grief, too.
It was great that we could be there for each other.
So, that was what you wanted to tell me? Yeah, yeah, just thanks.
No problem.
Someone just earned another pie.
Hey! Whoever's in here, I own this house.
And I want you out now.
Why, hello, Paul.
What the hell are you doing here? I'm just nosing around to see what I'll need to buy before I move in.
Not much apparently.
I had no idea the place came furnished! Have you lost what's left of your mind? This is my house.
Now, get out! Oh.
I know you bought it.
You bought a lot of houses on this street.
But you didn't want people to know, so you put this one in Beth's name.
So what? I was her husband.
And since she never made a will Oh But she did, Paul.
Years ago, and according to that will, I own this house and everything in it.
Oh, my goodness, is this a Gustav Stickley? Do you really think the people on this street want a manipulative psycho for a neighbor? Well, they let you live here, so I'm guessing the zoning laws aren't all that strict.
If they want to shun me, let them.
I won't be alone.
I'll have my daughter with me.
My God.
You stole her ashes? I did not steal them.
You are so quick to think the worst of me.
I just went to the mausoleum and I explained my legal rights.
Your rights? What about my rights? She was my wife! Did I say you couldn't visit her? Drop by any time, Paul.
My door is always open.
Everything looks great, Susan.
Your blood work, creatine levels.
You're like the poster girl for kidney transplants.
Does that mean I can have salty food and sex again? Salt in moderation.
You should wait two more weeks before resuming normal sexual activity.
Mike and I've already waited a month.
There's not going to be anything normal about it.
Okay, well, I'll see you at your next checkup.
Where are you off to? Well, I am definitely going to the mall to enjoy the last few hours of my handicap placard.
But first, I'm going to the dialysis center to visit my friend Dick Barrows.
You don't have to go to the dialysis center.
He's here in the hospital.
He was admitted yesterday.
Hey, tall, dark and jaundiced.
Delfino! Come closer.
I want to see if you still have that new kidney smell.
What are you doing here? Where else can you get a large Jamaican nurse to give you a sponge bath for 4 grand a day? Another viral infection.
I'm sorry.
I can't believe you got a kidney so fast.
I don't suppose you have any more suicidal neighbors with donor cards? I didn't laugh when you wrote it on my get-well note, and I'm not laughing now.
I'm telling you, you are the luckiest person alive.
You should take advantage.
Do you gamble? A little.
Oh, great.
When I get out of here, I'm taking you to that casino by the airport.
I've never won in that place.
You could be my rabbit's foot.
I'm not big on casinos.
I'm more of a round the kitchen table, gossip with my girlfriends, win all the M&M's kind of gal.
It's time for my spinal tap.
You see? You're not the only lucky one.
Hey, babe.
You're home late.
I got called down to the legal department.
Is everything okay? There's no easy way to say this.
Oh, no, what is this? That, my dear, is my signing bonus.
A hundred thousand dollars.
No way, it is not $100,000.
One It is.
It's $100,000.
I can't believe I know.
What are we going to do with it? How about this? Go to the bank, get 100,000 singles, and roll around naked on them, and then apologize to everybody in the bank and come home.
I like the naked part.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh.
Okay, okay, let's think.
Obviously we should put some in the kids' college fund.
And then top off our retirement account.
Or actually start a retirement account.
Definitely.
We should do all of that.
With 90 grand.
The other 10 is for you to spend on something fun and totally frivolous, like a mink vest or a diamond Frisbee.
No, no.
No, Lynette, do you know how long I have waited to be able to say this to you? Go crazy.
It's on me.
Fine.
If you're gonna be a jerk about it, I'll spend $10,000 on myself.
We should celebrate.
Let's go out to dinner.
Definitely, but not tonight, I've got a ton of work, okay.
How about Friday? Okay, it's a date.
Wait a second.
Nope, that's $100,000.
And I'll call.
Nine, ten, jack, queen, king.
A straight! Eat it! I was going to say how nice it is to have you back in our game, until you so charmingly told us to "eat it.
" For the third time.
I'm sorry, I just never been this hot before.
And my friend called it today, he said I was on a lucky streak.
No, you are lucky.
You got a kidney transplant, and if you take any more of my money, you're going to need a face transplant.
Okay, is anyone going to notice what's different around here? You cut your hair? No.
Well, you should.
I mean the coffee.
Tom gave me part of his signing bonus and said go crazy.
So, I bought a Grind and Brew Coffee Master.
Wasn't even on sale.
Check me out.
Shall I say it? No, please.
Allow me.
You're pathetic.
You finally get a little mad money and you buy a kitchen appliance? But I don't really need anything.
Oh! Honey, look around.
You need everything.
Two.
Well, it's hard for me.
Tom's only had this job a month.
I'm used to clipping coupons and buying in bulk, I even color my own hair.
Mystery solved.
Hey! How did you let this happen? Don't look at me like that.
I tried, I tried for years.
I couldn't even get her out of flip-flops.
Maybe I can take a shot at her.
Don't do it.
She'll break your heart.
Well, I'm bored.
Look, after this game, I'm taking you to a clothing store that doesn't also sell patio furniture and meat.
I'm out.
I'll bet 20.
I'm all in.
You didn't even look at your cards! I don't need to.
So what do you say, Van De Kamp? Did you come to play? Let's see what you are made of.
Three kings.
Look at me! I should buy a lottery ticket right now.
Yes, you should.
And then you should "eat it.
" I so don't belong here.
And that saleslady knows it, too.
Did you see the look she just gave me? Come on.
What? Wait.
Excuse me? We'd like two prosciutto paninis and a couple of iced cappuccinos.
There's a café across the street.
Oh, please don't make me go to the enormous hassle of buying this place just to fire you.
Nice! Now, let's get started.
You have got to try these on.
Nah, I don't I don't need boots.
You will once you try them.
It's like the boot is French-kissing my foot.
Walk around in them.
Oh, dear.
What they are doing to my feet now, I can't even say.
Oh.
Now, try these.
Five hundred dollars for jeans? I wouldn't pay that if they had $400 in the pocket.
Try them.
Look at my ass! Where did that ass come from? It came with the jeans.
You like it? You should see the ass that comes with the $900 pair.
Do I even wanna know how much that is? You just wanna put it on.
Thank you for shopping with us, Mrs.
Scavo.
That dress should be altered by tomorrow.
We open at 10:00.
Let's make it 8:00.
And bring croissants.
Hey, Bree.
I hope Andrew brought his rain gear, I hear it's going to pour up there.
Up where? The cabin.
What are you talking about? Didn't Andrew tell you? He came by this morning to talk to Carlos.
He did? Yeah, Carlos was just leaving for a hunting trip, and invited Andrew to come along.
For old time's sake.
Andrew is with Carlos? In the woods? With guns? I have to call him.
Why? Is something wrong? Oh, yes, something's wrong.
Has Andrew lost his mind? I tried to talk him out of it.
But he's taking this AA thing seriously.
Okay, see, this is the problem with sobriety.
It ruins lives.
Damn it.
I still can't get through.
There's no reception up there.
I'm starting to get scared.
You're scared? I'm gonna be the one raising two kids with a husband in jail for murder! And, Andrew's gay so it's a hate crime.
That's 10 more years! Let's not panic.
It may not be too late to stop this.
You're right.
We have to get up there.
I'm gonna see if Lee can watch the girls.
And I have to get something out of my nightstand.
Bree, aren't there gonna be enough guns up there? When one of them is in my hands, then there'll be enough guns.
I just want to say I'm sorry for the way I behaved yesterday.
You're sorry? I'll give you two reasons I don't believe you.
I knew you'd be upset to find you'd bought me a house, but I still had to twist the knife.
I guess old habits die hard.
You think that's what upset me? The house? And Beth's ashes, of course.
But I want to make that up to you.
You're giving them back? No.
I don't think either of us should keep them, I think we should scatter them together.
So you've picked up on the fact that I long to spend more time with you.
There's a pretty little lake about an hour north of here.
When Beth was a girl it was her favorite place.
I think she'd be happy there.
You could just do this on your own.
Why do you want me there? Because Beth loved you.
It's what I think she'd want.
And I don't have a car yet.
Shall we say tomorrow around 10:00? Shall I make us some sandwiches? If it's all the same to you, Felicia, I'll bring my own.
Dick, are you awake? Oh, good.
You were right about the lucky streak.
Guess who won at poker? Are you looking for my Uncle Dick? Yeah.
Did he go home? No.
I'm afraid we lost him last night.
What? Oh, my God.
Yeah, he never let on how sick he was.
I'm Wally, by the way.
Susan.
Susan Delfino? Hey, he left something for you.
He was always bugging me to go out to that casino with him.
Now I wish I'd gone.
Bree, Gabby.
What are you doing here? He's not here.
Where's Andrew? He's hiking over by the cliffs.
In the rain? It wasn't raining when he left.
Why'd you two come all the way out here? We were worried about Andrew Because he forgot his medicine.
So when is he going to be back from his hike? Soon, I hope.
Those rocks get awful slippery when they're wet.
Oh, my God, is that blood? Yeah, I cut myself chopping wood.
What's that? A shovel? With fresh dirt on it! Why is there fresh dirt? Damn it, Carlos, what did you do to Andrew? What are you talking about? Don't pretend.
We know he came clean about your mother.
My mother? It was an accident! He didn't mean to run her over! You should blame me! I'm the one who helped him get rid of the car! Mom? Andrew.
Thank God you're all right! Wait, what's going on? You killed my mother? What! No! No! Who said that? We thought you told him.
In the woods? Alone? What am I, crazy? Well, you weren't here, and we saw blood.
And a shovel with fresh dirt, explain that! Do you see a bathroom in here? You son of a bitch.
Carlos! I'm warning you! I have a gun! In the car! Park Ranger! Come in, please.
Hey.
Sorry you people picked such a lousy weekend to enjoy our park here.
Actually, we were just leaving.
Oh, 'fraid not.
Just got a radio call, a big old pine tree just fell across the access road.
We can't clear it up till tomorrow, so you're gonna have to sit tight till then.
You mean we have to stay here all night? Yeah, but I got a deck of cards in my truck in case you get bored.
Oh, I wouldn't worry about that.
Here! In case you were planning to put your champagne in a paint bucket.
I think I'm good.
Wow! The sad caterpillar has turned into an extravagant butterfly.
I am checking Tom's ETA so I know when to pre-heat the oven.
And I'm not talking about cooking.
I'm talking about I know what you're talking about.
Please stop.
Hey, Mr.
CFO.
The kids are gone, the champagne is on ice, and my bra actually matches my panties.
I was just going to call you, I'm on my way to the airport.
I've got to get to Montreal tonight on the jet.
What? No! No, this is our celebration night.
Can't you reschedule? I'm sorry, I can't.
I'm a hero for landing this meeting, I gotta be there.
Fine.
I'll take another rain check.
You're starting to owe me a lot of rain, you know.
All right.
I love you.
Travel safe.
Hey! Get your mitts off that! We'll have it tomorrow when he gets back.
Lynette.
Tomorrow it'll be something else.
Tom is a big shot now, and the bigger he gets, the less you're gonna see of him.
Hey, you want the clothes and the jewelry and all the other perks.
Well, this is what they really cost.
You came to the funeral.
What? My mother's funeral.
You sat in the second row, behind the family, consoled us all.
What was that like? Kind of funny? Of course not.
It was very awkward.
Awkward? Gosh.
So sorry her funeral was so tough on you.
God, I'm so hungry! Can't believe you guys didn't bring any food.
Actually, I brought something.
This is all the dinner I need.
Oh, great! We've got tension and firearms, let's add alcohol.
Carlos, please put that away.
Andrew's only been sober a month.
I heard.
A whole month without a drink? You must be thirsty.
Help yourself.
No thanks.
I'm good.
Okay, let me put it this way.
To Mama Solis.
May she rest in peace.
Are you going to drink to my mom? Or you going to insult her memory? I guess I'm gonna drink to your mom.
Yeah.
Carlos, stop it! You have every right to be angry but please, think of all the years we've been friends.
Friends? You think that we're still friends? How long have I watched you play Miss High-and-Mighty to the whole damn street? And the whole time you were just covering your ass.
Hey! Hey, get mad at me, not the people who just knew about it.
People? Who else knew about this? It's not important.
No.
Gabby, what was that? Nothing, it was a moth.
You knew.
Her, I can understand, but my own wife? Oh, for God's sakes, Carlos, let it go.
This is ancient history! Not to me.
I mean, not a day went by that I didn't think I should've found the guy that did it.
Well, I didn't have to look far, did I? I was taking him to ball games.
Inviting his accomplice to dinner parties.
And my wife knew.
You know what, to hell with all of you.
What? Carlos, where are you going? Anywhere but here.
I don't trust myself to be in the same room with you people.
Carlos! Carlos! Ladies and gentlemen, please discontinue use of all electronic devices so we can begin our meal service.
What are you doing here? We are about to take off.
Not anymore.
I pushed your flight back half an hour.
You What? How? Well, let's just say your pilot's back at the terminal having coffee with a few dead presidents.
So, now it's just you, me, and two unfortunate lobsters.
Hey, you know what you can do on a private jet? Anything.
Absolutely anything.
I can't believe you did this.
I know, what a wife, huh? No, no, I mean it's really gonna screw me up.
I'm supposed to sit down with my team the moment I land, I need every second to prep for this meeting.
I understand.
You've been working so hard.
I just wanted you to have half an hour of fun.
Thank you.
But you need to realize this is fun.
Honey, I love this job.
I have never felt so valuable before.
I walk into a room, and people stop talking.
They want to know what Tom thinks.
And I gotta tell you, this company is a rocket ship.
It's taking me on the ride of my life.
Wow! That's I am really happy for you.
And don't think I've forgotten why I have this gig.
You gave me the confidence to jump at it, and I am so, so grateful.
This is all 'cause of you.
-Do you Can -What? Yeah.
Back to fun? I should take this.
I'll call you when I land.
Got it.
You look great, by the way.
Oh.
Hey.
I got a little hung up on the ground, but I'm on my way.
While I've got you on the phone, who is going to be in on this conference call Yeah No.
Not Ted.
Susan! Roy.
I didn't know you came here.
Every Thursday, Karen sticks 50 bucks in my pocket, pats me on the butt, and tells me not to come home till I blow it or double it.
So, slots? I can't speak for those two, but I think Lottie gets around.
No.
Slots.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, sit down.
Oh, thanks, but I'm gonna try the poker room.
You don't want to go in there.
Those guys are just a bunch of sharks.
I'm sure I won't be here long.
I'm playing for a friend.
Hundred bucks? You're an honest woman.
When somebody gives me money to gamble, I pocket it and tell them they lost.
Except you, Lottie.
You actually lost.
What's so funny? Just wondering what Beth would think if she could see us now.
Driving along like we're off to a picnic.
I think she'd be glad.
Our hate was what killed her.
She couldn't please either of us without hurting the other.
So she just walked away.
So maybe she's thinking, "Great, now they get along.
" Or, "Better late than never.
" Tell me something, Paul.
What? Did she suffer at the end? In her last conscious moments? I don't know.
I wasn't there when she died.
Yeah, I don't mean Beth, I meant my sister.
You were there for that one.
For God's sakes, Felicia.
I've wondered about this for years.
I'm not wearing a wire, Paul.
And I'm not gonna frisk you to make sure, so let's drop it.
Think about it.
We both saw someone we loved be destroyed.
First, my sister drove your wife to kill herself.
You admit that? Finally? Yes, Paul, I do.
You loved your wife, so you killed my sister.
I loved my sister, so I tried to destroy you.
Who paid the price for it? Beth.
I just hope that by doing this together, we can put a stop to this awful cycle, and reach some sort of closure.
I'm all for closure.
Well, I lost my 50, but I ate my weight in shrimp.
So all in all, a good day.
How're you doing? I am okay.
Yeah, you got a little left.
What's that, 60 bucks? Good for you, kid.
Those are $1,000 chips.
I'm all in.
Thousand? You bet $6,000? What are you, nuts? She's nuts! We're taking these back.
Hands off the table, sir.
Grandpa must know something.
I'll call.
Two pair, kings over fours.
Three aces! The kid had three aces! Susan, you won over $12,000.
I know.
I just keep winning.
And you cry every time.
You're weird.
Susan? What's wrong? My friend.
Your friend is gonna be thrilled.
You just won for him.
He died yesterday.
He wanted me to come here.
He said I was on a lucky streak.
And he was right, I am.
But why? Why do I keep winning while other people lose? No one And why did I get a kidney while good people died? It doesn't make any sense.
I served in Korea with this guy Joe Dansak.
Funny as hell, he made whiskey sours in his helmet.
One day, we're out on patrol.
I felt something whizz past by my ear, I turned and looked and Joe was on the ground.
He was dead? Yeah.
That night I asked the sergeant, "Why was it him and not me?" He sort of shook his head and said, "Why ask?" So, you're trying to tell me that it is random? I'm trying to do anything I can to get you to stop crying, honey.
You're on a lucky streak.
Who knows why? Just enjoy it.
But what happens when my luck runs out? I know.
Why ask? Why ask? How about right here? What do you think, honey? Is this a good spot? Would you stop talking to the urn? You're creeping me out.
Must we bicker? I thought the point of doing this together was to make a fresh start.
Do you really think I'm that stupid? That just scattering some ashes is going to make me trust you? I know you don't trust me, Paul.
It's why you brought a gun.
What? You're not gonna deny it? Okay, so what? You show up at my house and say, "Hey, let's go to the woods together.
" I'd be crazy not to bring a gun.
I know.
And I'd be crazy to let you keep it.
What? How did you get that? Prison's not a very nice place to live, but I did pick up a few skills.
I just brought that for self-defense.
So now I'm supposed to believe you? See, that's our problem, Paul.
How do you trust somebody who doesn't trust you? You fear me, so you bring a gun.
I fear you, so I take it.
Where does it end? Just put the gun down.
It could end right here, with me shooting you just so I can sleep easier.
Go ahead.
Shoot me.
At least I'll die knowing you'll rot in jail forever.
Oh, I don't think so.
I'll plead self-defense.
It is your gun, after all.
You pulled it on me, we struggled, it went off.
I could kill you right now and go scot-free.
Or I could do this.
I don't want you dead, Paul.
And I don't want us to fear each other.
I just want this over.
Don't you? I think you should do the honors.
Well, just keep looking, it's not that big a forest.
Finally! Next time you drop your girls off for a few hours, you might mention you may not be home that night.
The roads were closed.
We were trapped in the woods.
Could've been worse.
Could've been at my dinner party when I tried to serve the tiramisu and the tira had been licked off.
Look, Lee, I'm sorry, okay? My guests were another gay couple who were thinking of adopting a child.
They're not anymore.
Lee, cut me some slack.
My husband is missing! Don't try to play me.
Carlos called this morning.
He did? Yeah.
He asked if I could watch the girls for a few more hours while he drove out to Littleton.
I said why not, I have very few breakables left.
What's he doing out in Littleton? I know.
Come on! What? No! Wait.
Gabby, wait! I'm hungry.
Of course you are.
You'll be pleased to know that Paul was very touched when we scattered the ashes.
He even teared up a little at the end.
Of course, he thought it was really you in the urn, not just some sweepings from the fireplace.
But I would never scatter you in the woods.
No, you're going to stay where you belong.
Right here with me.
And don't you worry about Paul.
I'll make him pay for what he did to you.
But not just by shooting him, no.
That's too quick, too merciful.
No, death is the easy way out.
But look who I'm telling.
Carlos! Thank God you're okay.
You really scared us.
Flowers for your mom, how sweet.
Save it, Gabby.
You never liked her.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
Maybe I didn't see why she had to be in your life so much, why she couldn't just let go.
But I wasn't a mother yet.
I didn't realize you never let go.
Listen, Carlos We are so deeply sorry for what we did.
Andrew was only 16 and already abusing alcohol, a habit that he learned from me, so Quiet, Mom.
Please.
I'm just trying to defend you.
I know.
I know, it's what you've always done.
All right, and I've let you.
That's why my life has been such a mess.
But I need to do this.
This is between me and Carlos.
Just please wait in the car, okay? But, Andrew The car, Mom! Bree, let's go to the car.
I'm gonna make this right.
You can sue me, you can go to the police, whatever it takes.
I know this must hurt.
I'm not hurt.
I'm proud.
Sit down.
Yes, whenever we make mistakes, we need to apologize.
And then we need to move on.
We must try to accept the changes in our lives, or choose to trust an old enemy, or learn to stop fighting our children's battles.
But sometimes the pain we've caused is so great, there is no moving on.
Carlos, I wanna thank you for forgiving Andrew.
You're a generous man and I am so grateful to you.
May I come in? You can go to hell.
Carlos.
Excuse me? I did forgive Andrew.
He was a kid that made a mistake.
But you were an adult, my friend, who covered up for him.
-Carlos, please -Mmm-mmm.
Listen carefully, because this is the last thing I'm ever going to say to you.
We are no longer friends.
Not you and me, and not you and Gabby.
You can't speak for me.
I just did.
No barbecues, no cocktail parties, no poker games.
You are not even to wave to us on the street.
That's how it's going to be.
You can keep your muffins.